I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
im hella hurting deep down inside.real badly.
its cutting right through my heart.
im so afraid of going back to square one.really.i worked hard,tortured myself,forced myself to get myself here; away from the hurt,him.now its all coming back.its august.its nearin august 29.those memoriies are jus flowing baq rapidly again.wherever i go,i see myself pass by him once before in the past.when i stare at my handphone reading through msgs,i see his msgs last year even thou we havent been talkin for months.people around me reminds me of him.the school reminds me of him.this computer reminds me of him even.everything in my life is associated with him.the friends i mix with; the people i know.everyone.even HE reminds me of him.the places i go in sch,i just see visions.i remember it all.what's wrong with me.this ain't right.its not the way it should be.i should be happy;smiling.im the girl who's got it all.why am i like this?i worked hard to get myself out of the pain,the torture,the mess.now im jus like a helpless lil kid;defenceless and fallin back like crazy.
everything in my life reminds me of him.no one realy knows how bad im hurting.i dont know how to say either.its just..unbearable.to him in the past; i was just a girl who was helplessly in love with him.a girl to keep him company when he was bored.a girl who he could tell everyone en say "oh,she likes me." a girl who's there for him always.a girl who would do it all for him.
don't tell me dhat its over dammit,29.you tink it is,but its not.you keep hurting me.cus you never really ended evrything.we never talked it out.its just so like you isnt it,running away from things you're afraid to deal with.oh,like everything would be okay if ya run away.its not.superficially now to you,it is.cus i never said anything.you think im long,way over you.you forgot everything.im less than a friend to you.im just a nobody on your list.perhaps a person you simply know.no.the truth is.to you now,im simply your best friend's girlfriend.
you ripped my heart out en left me there to bleed.
bgf.i dont know what i can do,to make up everything.the love is still there.but im pressed,choking with all the past.im too complicated.i want simplicity;but i cant get it.i know you want to be there for me and everything but...its far too negative for you.i really want to hold on; i don't wanna ever let go.i know staying with you is the right thing,but somehow my heart is half tellin me to do the wrong thing,to return to the past.
29,you stabbed me to death.
23,i still love you.
im dying.repressed.choking.screaming.yelling.depressed.cries.tears flowing.trembling.shaking.tired of all.bleeding.afraid.phobia.falling.
its 50 50 now.i cant help the way i feel.shit.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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