I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
im gonna ask dad if i can get out of here earlier.
im sick of being here.
sick of living my life off here,dammit.
next year,im damn bloody gonna study hard.
&get that freaking good marks.
sighh.it'll help to keep my mind off stuff.
okay people.nerd weiru next year.
and i'll be gone.really soon.
here,i would like to wish sunny best of luck in getting into our sch.should be fine lah sunny. =) dont worry yupp.
im sick of remembering you.
im sick of sitting here alone,shaking in pain,crying.
im tired of everything.
im tired of having illusions of you around.
i hate myself,for turning around,trying to look around for you,expecting you to be just by me,but later,crumble,cus you're not there.
im tired of having my eyes swollen each time.
im sick of being so weak.
im tired of playing games.
ons&offs.
coming back and leaving again.
remembering and back to square one.
then try to erase everything all over again.
YOU.stay,far far away.
leave me alone.ALONE.
since you've walked out,or rather i pushed you out,please please.
don't.ever.walk.back.in.again.dammit.
don't try anymore.
i'll forget you.totally.
if ever there was to be a next time.if ever.you let me rmb you again.i'm just gonna stick you by my side,dammit.stick until i go overseas and come back,then i let you off.dont blame me if i do that.so if you dont want me to do that,GET AWAY.
suicide notes&butterfly kisses.
love.hatred.time.dejavu.
im pathetic.
im losing it.
losing control.
losing my humanity.
i dont know who i am anymore.
-cries.
thanks for killing my piano.the music,i used to have.literally clean cut.
beautiful letdown.
&I thought...Nevermind.
i've got piano cross examination tmr.
the standard is there.
but the music and the feelings are not in.
forget it.
i give up hope lah.
im tired today.the cementary filming was a lil creepy.and it drizzled. -.- then go orchard from chua cho kang.then erh.went to IMM.wanted to buy new piano.but bloody hell.it was closed.sighh.
the times with you,seemed to be something out of someone else's life.coming to think of it now,its so unreal.there were so many times when i thought,once i turned around,you would be there.there were times,i seemed to see you right in front of me.there were even more times,when im completely broken,i seemed to feel you by my side,smiling that "everything's fine." smile of yours.im having wierd dreams at night,en even wierder illusions in the day.
conclusion -im on a nervous breakdown.
major big one.
oh,JOY.hooray
what now?
im messed up.
&I thought...Nevermind.
take note of this.
night everyone.
&I thought...Nevermind.
i've been scribbling the whole day on a piece of paper.everything that comes in my mind.i walked around like a lost soul.just staring into space.replaying those songs over and over again,blasting into my ears,to my brain,down to the heart.
by the way.
i've been talking to my dad about going overseas.
& its fixed.after O's,i go.he making preparations already.(:
but bloody hell lah x( i wanted to go this year! or next year.but no,he dont want.
grumble.i need to get out of here.desperately.
before i hang myself.
oh,wish me luck for my piano xD
en besides moonlight sonata all three parts,im learning another one."pathetic" by beethoven too.im joyed. =) but something's missing in the music.terribly.i got scolded.ah whatever.
everything seems to be in a mess without you around.
i've lost every bit of strength&faith i ever HAD'.
i've lost it.permanent.
its something that i cant tell anyone cus i dont know how to.
i just want,to be alone.
no,dead.
today's supposed to be the fourth official month...23..520..
-cry.
&I thought...Nevermind.
change your encoding to - Unicode(UTF-8)
thanks! xD
tagboard will be up soon.when im not lazy to get it.
HEH.(:
&I thought...Nevermind.
tmr,thursday,sat and sun have filming also.
stupid lah.director and script writer even have to be there for every editing session.ZZZZ' en oh.i got another new job.of being the translator.chinis translate eng,eng translate chinis. biang.director,scriptwriter plus translator.thanks man. x( sob.im being bullied!tiny roar.grumble.
someone get me a coffin,dammit.
im ready to hang myself already.
we had better win this two competitions.
SVA and singapore short films.
bloody hell.
after filming went pw with mingjiang.without umbrella.but fun lah,in the rain xD we pratically stayed at RUSTY the whole time.cus his friend works at the shop marh.then we all like statues,at the display box there talking.LOL.like model statues.except we're not wearing rusty.heh.and there was one super perverted scene of the model.cus the model statue was wearing any pants or short or anything.it was like,erh.half naked.eeeek.then the mattew had to go and put a pair of jeans on for the model.cus kids walking by were like,mesmerized by the nakedness.ROFL.then the way he hold the model to put the jeans in ah,BIANG. it was so so so so.ERRRRHH.me en mingjiang keep laughing like shit.seriously.it was hilarious. =x yeah.just stayed there the whole time.then go home at bout 6 plus.super tired =/
yawn.
我的头发都已经剪掉
你指定的发型我现在不想要
我再也不能抱着你聊
聊那些以前以为有的未来
对你说的话
现在想起来都可笑
请你别太计较..
早知道我会爱得受不了
就该随身带着一把剪刀
把所有我不爱的画面统统剪掉
是否我会更好.
早知道认识你像往高空弹跳
拉着你,我爱的距离不大不小
也许,认识我的时候
你就知道,
你对我的爱有多少...
sighh ;
&I thought...Nevermind.
that you will never measure up to those people.
you must be strong,can't show them you're weak.
have you ever told someone something thats far from the truth.
just to let them think you're okay,make them stop asking?
i have.
i've just been sitting here.remembering.
glowing stars.
the hearts.
the boy and the girl.
the letter.
520.
ncc sea.
i've been listening to the songs.more memories come back.
bugis elevator.
bugis cinema.
charlie and the chocolate factory.
july 23.
august 13.
honey.
forget it.weiru.stop torturing yourself.zzzz' stupid tears.
by the way.im thinking a new url for this blog.someone help me.
oh,en everyone might like to know.im already back to the girl since august 29 in the past.oh,thats sooo nice.let's open champagne..(:
depressed.insecure.hurt.holding back tears.biting my lip.trying not to scream.JEALOUSY.yes,thats the crux of everything.bgf.you sure move on real fast.
feeling isolated&empty.without you ; but.i see you're doing fine.more than fine.okay then.i dont have teeniest right to say anything actually.go do what you want.im ready to bet by febuary,im nothing but just a empty name to you.so forget about july 23 even.thanks for showing me how to bleed.
don't deny my existence.please.
&I thought...Nevermind.
im drained of energy.this damned love.you can go now.im letting you.dont get held back by me or july 23 06'.seriously.go do what you want.be with whoever you want.let anyone take my place as xmm or whatever.seriously.i dont have to care.i dont have a reason too.oh no,wait.i shouldnt be saying this.im in the wrong.from the start,it was all a mistake.maybe the lord has a better plan for both of us.it was just a game.a hardcore habit game.forget about the tears shed,the blood dripping,the hurt piercing.throw everything away,burn it all.you can do it right ; so i will too.someday.
i was never like this.i never felt so insecure,so lost,so empty inside,ever before in my life.i always could find my way,be the girl i want and potray myself to be.but no,you had to tear that all away and expose my real self.the lost,pathetic little girl i am.uhh.thats very nice of you.
im living PERFECTLY WELL.without you being by my side helping,catching me,encouraging me,motivating&everything single thing you did to my life.
now,thats a nice illusion of your living style right now,weiru. ( mumbles )
or maybe you're just like me.living under a facade each day.smiling&moving on.but there's a nagging doubt in me,that even if you are,not all of you is under a facade.which shows; you've done it.
i still have the letter....
no matter how much i want to burn everything ; i cant do it.
fcuk the courage.
scream'
&I thought...Nevermind.
tommorow is the,real thing man.
shit.
this had better be a success.
&I thought...Nevermind.
today went sch for ava meeting.imee came also(:
haha.we keep making sacrastic jokes to pass time.LOL.
no imee,im not gonna wake at 7 am tmr! x( my goodness gracious.
you're impossible >.<
mm.tmr another meeting.aishh.
get ready for hard work! xD
-im fine.i will be,dammit.
i cant always go around in circles.
being insecure.right?
yeah right.like i can do it. ( mumbles )
&I thought...Nevermind.
it reminds of alot of happy pasts..yet sad.
everything rushed back to me,with each word.
i remember,everything.
the smiles.the joy.the laughter.yet..the pain.the tears.the wishes and hopes.most importantly..the love we had once,so deep.
i thought that you were the only one for me when i'd fallen,for no one else,but YOU,the best best friend i ever had,the guy who helped out in every single thing.i thought,the happiness was long lasting.it would go on and on..we would never have to seperate.but...thanks to my fickle minded heart,i broke every single connection we ever had.even if we did revive it later on,it still lost.not once.1.2.3.four times actually.now thinking it through,i really didnt cherish you.you were the best friend/boyfriend anyone could EVER hope for.every single thing yu did was for me.you thought everything well for me.you helped me in times when i was at my weakest times.you never gave up on me like everyone else did.you believed in me no matter what people say.& im sorry.520..july 23.
maybe next life ;
&I thought...Nevermind.
i hate those korean dramas which make me cry.
now my eyes are all red and swollen x(
arghs. ( rubs eyes )
im looking forward to bi's new movie(: -this damned love*
title sounds nice.heared its a sad drama.AHH.( grumble grumble )
not a good sign.not a good sign. =/
someone get me the tissue box,NOW. ( screams )
korean fanfics make me laugh like shit.
HAHAHAH. xD
insane. ( mumbles )
you ripped my heart out&left me there to bleed.
i cant get you out of my head.
entirely out of selfishness,i hope..that the one waiting at the end would be -you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
what if i said,i need you.
im sitting alone here in the corner,thinking of the past.
oh,en i went out to buy more books ytd xD
i feel oh-so-satisfied.hee.
abby says im boriiingggg.
AH well.
dancing tires me out =/
studying social studies and chinese plus doing e maths keeps my mind off stuff.
fine,im a wierdo finding joy in studying at THIS TIME.big deal.
so sue me.
im a wreck ;
&I thought...Nevermind.
i didnt even know the mere you,would affect me at all.
until....today.
when i realised,how exactly,insignificant i was to you.
then i realised,i wasnt over.i'm falling for you.still.
no no no.
fcuk.
not,again.
i hate being a third party ;
cries.
&I thought...Nevermind.
i hate being monitored.
i hate being processed.
get my meaning?
the crux of my pain,my tears,is YOU.
-party girls are deeper&smarter than they first' appear(:
they demonstrate,how to be naughty&nice.
all i want,is everything.
becus' im worth it.
i like it like that.
you're the one that i want.
nobody does it better
nothing,can keep us together.
&I thought...Nevermind.
but wait.im isolating myself.
nobody really cares.im just a lil' nobody.
i dont want to remember anything.
july 23.6 pm.bugis cinema.
player.flirt.cheater.
& you're the guy i fell hard for.
who appeared when i fell.like my guardian angel.
but it was all a game of yours ;
you're a pro.
making the right moves at the right times
turning the tables in the totally opp way,just to fit your means.
it had always been about you,YOU.
you never stood in my place,and stop to think for me,even for a moment.
you want to leave ; you'll just leave.
you want to play ; my,the harsh big game you play
that makes me follow blindly.stupidly.
then.
you leave me hanging there.
waiting...stupidly believing.
that impossible guy.
i never knew.that it still hurt.until i know.
so sometimes.i guess ignorance is really bliss.
i want to forget.to hate.to give up.to just turn and walk away..
i've fallen.i've lost control.im nothing,just completely empty.
get the meaning.
you ripped my heart out and left me there to bleed *
leave me alone.
unforgivable sinner.
im highly,highly dangerous.
为你弹奏肖邦的夜曲,
纪念我死去的爱情 ,
跟夜风一样的声音,
心碎的很好听 .
手在键盘敲钢琴,
我给的思念很小心,
对你心跳的感应 ,
还是如此温热亲近 .
失去你 ,
泪水混浊不清.
失去你 ,
我连笑容都有阴影 .
你不用在意 ,
流泪也只是刚好而已 .
再说我爱你 可能雨也不会停 ...
&I thought...Nevermind.
the pain you've given me.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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