I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
okay.so i havent blogged for days. =/ the past weeks been pretty okay.hanged out with lots of friends except i realised one thing.
One,when out of love,has LOTS of energy. -.- zzzz.namely,cher' kevin.i think he had tiff with his gf or smth,then BIANG.dance like so many hours straight.& duhh,we had to contd&follow until he says stop.he couldnt stop.then i was around like him.only stopped when i finally twisted my ankle =/ retard weiru.mm.had a major shopping spree,i cant rmbr when =/ cus isetan holding private sale to all cardholders&they only do it like twice every year.so those who has a isetan card will be given the invitation card.which my mum,irish&me got it.the sales are really good,cus the usually super ex stuff will go down by like 30-60%.it depends.but when me&mum got there,the queue was like O.0 WOW.this is the first i've seen such a long long queue.irish was long inside isetan already cus she reached earlier.while in the queue line,saw abby&******* walk past.hem.HEMM(: alrightey.so walked until foot got blister.reached home with lots of shopping bags.
then erm,one of the days,went to sch with auntie alvina to look for mr singh.but he wasnt in.but we chanced upon mrs lee (VP) though.she was really nice while auntie explained sunny's situation&stuff and mrs lee seemed quite interested cus she doesnt want to leave foreign students in the lurch.but our damned sch,has only ONE stupid lil vacancy at the moment.like HUH?!! wth.okay.why sunny should be accepted AT ONCE.
o1.his soccer is FABULOUS.training under fandi ahmad&tohari.
o2.he's a foreign student.
o3.his badminton's good.
o4.his piano is until the standard of (UK) trinity board examinations,grade 5.
05.in his whole report book of 6 years in pri sch,every page the comments is like OMG.so darn good lah can.
o6.he's in charge of bringing new students to fit in when in pri sch.
o7.he's a prefect.
08.he's ava head monitor.
09.he's freaking nice,friendly¬ racist like some.
10.he's hardworking.
11.auntie is willing to be counsel for our sch students&she's FABULOUS at that.
12.sunny's parents are willing to make a donation&support whatever sch activities the sch has.
HELLO?!??his conditions are the pratically the BEST that anyone can give.damn it lah.until now still havent give him reply.but we'll all know by 8 of jan(: &im praying my life away now for him,to GET IN XD he will will,MUST get in. *mumble prayers*
then i cant rmbr what else i did for the past 2 weeks.erm.oooh,i watched kingkong with teng last last sunday i think.until 1 in the morning at balestier.superr touching xD i love it.then,watched chronicles of narnia.Also watched the promise.that was with laine&stacy.
mm.nowadys,i LOVEEE THE PIANO.(: i jst forget who i am when im in the music.oh,&bi is soooo cute!aww.korean guys.
Some people always say "Amarantine." I used to so naively believe in it.However,as time goes by,i see truely what love is.Love's jst a devious lil game,something sacrificial.The more you desier,the larger price you pay for smth thats nvr meant to be yours.I always used to illusion myself,keep myself in denial by thinking,all those yesterday feelings will be lost in time.It nvr did though.To cry,scream,breakdown,bleed,lose faith,insecurity...etc. tainted my life greatly.It leaves a mark so deep,that i'll nvr forget.We're jst a beautiful letdown.Me&you?It'll nvr work.Our story ends here...i'll jst smile&go on.For you,jst go on with life,/without me at all.It's time,that we get on with life,forget the whole thing& slowly start giving others a chance.&jst let go on both of us...which'll nvr work.i'll forget all those things&stuff i used to think,do or know bout you.all the used to be(s).im sorry i had to game over us....mianhae.
&I thought...Nevermind.
im home for a while(:
i shall stop being a brat,whining&complaining abt stuff.i should have known that i jst didnt matter to anyone!ooh.excellent.i should have known.really.that i nv ever rly mattered to anyone.my existence is just smth too extra to notice.no wait,everyone's got their own life.but im just not in it,not cut out to be in.i thought wrng.maybe,this place was a mistake all along.leave,is what i should do,everyone would be much much relieved&happier without my stupid extra prescence.isnt it that way?no,im not depressed;not drunk.im clearer now,then anyone,than anytime.i've woken&seen stuff more clearly,stuff i shouldnt see or know.its not that i want to isolate myself,its cause' i feel out of place.oh sure,maybe everyone's gonna go,"stop the self pity.",&start whispering behind my back about my stuff.fine,i'll shut my trap.in turn,you people just stop your fake concern&even more hypocrital smiles.who said i couldnt survive on my own?i'll jst show that i can.bye.
im not going to hide in a corner&cry like a small kid;like i used to.im not going to lost a single second of sleep over this.im not going change myself because of this.cause' it doesnt matter to me either.abandon,talk for all you people want.(:
&I thought...Nevermind.
YOU,finally made me snap&break.
YOU,made me rmbr this morning.
YOU,disturbed my process of destruction/healing.
YOU,made all the pain rush back,all the memories flowing back just like that.
don't blame me for lashing out.maybe you never really knew me under all the pretence.bittersweet dream.convenient eh?leave me alone.the last person i want to hear from,is you.whether i die,or not.it has nothing to do with you.you're supposed to forget me rmbr?im supposed to be nothing,NOTHING- to you.so get it?jst,go.
WHRE'S THE DAMMIT TRUCK?!!
im off to crash the piano now.blog laterrr.
&I thought...Nevermind.
went to sch to pass the application form plus script to mr anwar in sch for submission.oh man,we had better win this time.if not,i should consider assasinating all whole panel of judges x) then went to auntie's tuition for history.& we finished the first chap on russia!OH YEAH.after like 3 full lessons = 6 hours -.- Hakim came today again.that cute lil kid.biang,i think cher' Z peng gonna die soon.he was trying to teach Hakim chinese,but Hakim ah,cannot stay still on the chair.Move here&there,lie here,there,cher' Z peng had to move arnd with the book to teach him.LOL.preeeetay sight aye?(: next week cher' Z peng teaching me chinese.WHOO.finally,after waiting for so long.he's bloody good lah.china guy.Jonathan,Andrew and that new guy,(whats his name*?) oh,tidus aka weilun,also came.to me actually,Jonathan&Tidus looked simply like a bunch of super jock soccer assholes,thinking they're oh-so-hot& stuff.they were trying to flirt with some girls at tuition which is such a open,irritating behaviour.but i kept reallll quiet though.i had to control my self to the highest,to not roll my eyes at them&just lash out.Cant be bothered to speak to them lah.&jonathan is weijie's cousin.OH,LIKE I CARE.HUR.remind me*/i need to have a word with weijie bout that self centered bastard.ahhh grr.i pity poor nice andrew. x( then after tuition,went with irish&teng to paragon 5th floor for usual dance class.I just brought them in like that as guests.LOL.like anyone noticed =x wanted to go surprise abby at Long John's,as teng was so itching to tease the hell out of her.Luckily,we didnt go.oh by the way.me&irish finally,FINALLY,found a way to shut teng up when he's teasing people mercilessly( like poor abby,or jay for that matter ).hmm.seems like a certain guy has his spot of weakness eh? xD MUHAHAHA.okay.i shall not be so evil.hem hem.then after class,they went off,complaining of ACHES.pssh! -.- then went to coffee club to meet with mum&one taiwan auntie.oh,then later shopping!the best part bout shopping with mum,is that,i dont have to pay for anything(: reach home at 9 plus.dead beat man.i didnt play my piano today x( ah,forget it!
lalalalalaa.
i dont' careeeee!
i dont want to!
im hiding far far far awayy!
now i think,falling deep in love now,or rather,falling deep in love LAST TIME,was really stupid stupid,STUPID!(:
&are you people out of your lil puny screwed up minds?!!!! THERE,at like,3 plus in the morning?aye wait,on second thought.let's hit it :D see you guys later.loveeee!
awww,that new guy at dancing class is ^^! mixed with CUTNESS&TOTAL HOTNESS.sweeeett!(:
oh by the way miswan.
if he really ask me,erm.that question.before he can finish asking,i'll probally RUNNN like dunno where already.(run,baby,run!!!!) haha(: anyways,i told him i couldnt msg for 3 months&that im really busy with all those filming stuff&piano though.so yeah,that should simmer things down a lil while,whilst i prepare my stuff to run&poof!disappear!!xD i know im deadly evil,but ahh,who cares?! this isnt my fault.uh huh.so nah,im not gonna stay&face the consequences for any heartbreaking or rubbish.i had enuf of all those shit.i know im reall bad,but hey,i didnt do anything in the first place!
&I thought...Nevermind.
i cant believe that bunch of them ytd morning.they just barged into my room,irish pulled my blanket off,laine pulled the curtains apart( the sunlight was fcuking bright.grrrr. ),jessica yanked my pillow away& they together kicked me down the bed.then i open one eye&start cursing like shit.They literally dragged me out,just to make me treat them the usual.that korean cuisine at chinatown.they claimed it was "for my own good?" YEAH RIGHT.zzzzz.teng&the rest met up there.we made a complete mess with the kimchi.but LOL.artistic eh.(: then go shop at takashimaya&isetan.The jap sale is here again.those idiots,i've lost count how many times they went around to try the food.groan.im was dead tired man.reached home bout 5 plus.it feels kinda good to be out for a change.then contd watching rain's new korean drama "this damned love." AHHH.i cant believe him in the drama.its soo different from his previous role in "full house." & i cant take this new side of him!its so,heartbreaking =/ so,erh.evil?roar.no wonder this drama isnt selling well in korea.hardly anyone can take the complete change of character in this two dramas.i mean like,rain used to be the nice,cute,tender,kind guy you know?then now,BIANG.its like,he's scheming,a heartbreaker,full of revenge to a GIRL.& its the worst of the worst.but rain is still super ultra cute to me x) haha.
by the way,im going to change my url to www.pathetique-.blogspot.com
im only staying with this dejavu url for until tuesday,then i'll be changing to the above one.so those who didnt notice,please dont ask me alrighte.(:
im having a nice quiet day at home today.my biggie lorry truck didnt come ytd.i doubt it can come today unless it has wings to fly and RAM into my house. =x tmr going sch to pass them the script&complete application form for SVA comp.we had better get that damned platinum award.mr anwar says he'll be showcasing our short film on the plasma tv in the canteen during recess time at least twice a week each time next year.his motive : to make everyone know the story& be sick of by the end of the year.ROFL.imee's face went T.T,when i told her.haha.dont worry lah,imee.i think mingjiang then face no more lerh.he in the movie cry until like that.Then all the new sec 1's see ms seah in the video will be like "oh my goodness,who's that teacher so fierce.better not offend her." LOL.you three are going to make a name man.oh yeah!the band teacher also!haha.i still rmb his mock horror when he saw the video."i look so fat in there!" LOL LOL LOL.its okay mr muz.at least you were smiling KINDLY? (:
okay.tmr have tuition at auntie's there again x) yay.history on the russian monarchy thing,CONTD!hee.& bellboy ah.let's think of a place to hit tmr after tuition.no no,not paragon again.im sick of that place =/ how bout heeren? :D
为什么当初相爱的原因,随着你转身的离去.
为了不再失去,我关上了心门.
我好想抱着你诉苦,却显得好无助,无助得让人想痛哭.
只有默默想起你.
难道,缘分已尽了...?
&I thought...Nevermind.
i havent been having good night sleeps.
& my stupid stupid car truck hasnt come hurling at my head yet >.<
just don't hurt or disable any part of me except to wipe my stupid brain memory clean clean!
i need a haircut plus rebond hair.
i need to attend more functions -.-
i need do smth w/ my long nails.its irritating me.
im craving to read that book again by phil lovesey."the screaming tree." maybe i should just buy it(: its a skilful potrayal of a mentally disturbed guy.niceee! :D
i need to lost weight x(
i need to get more contacts,its running out.
i need to have a good hard,shopping spree.
i need to clean out my wardrobe&re-buy the contents.
i need to do my application thingy.
i need to fill up the SVA script submission too.
MOST IMPT.i need to find my lil' facade mask before people start nosing.it got lost somewhere.come back to mummy,darliing! (:
-im extraordinaire pathetique.
quelle pleasure in alcohol,sleeping pills&destroying myself?oh,mais oui.
it amuses me to see how weak i can become.
oh man.they're scaring me out.shit.go away lah.no?now,run,baby,RUN!!!!!
&I thought...Nevermind.
im not a very pretty sight right now.
firstly,i cant,don't remember what im doing at times.
secondly.god?if you have a heart,please just end it all for me now.stop the stupid suffering.
thirdly.when i go to my next life,please dont ever let me meet him again.29's okay though.
fourth.i hope while im busy getting myself out of here early,you'll look after him with them.
LAST.oh,please let me get involved in a car accident any of these days,so i can get my head hit,fall into a deep,long coma&get amnesia.so when i wake,VIOLA!i cant remember anything.& please.erase every single thing.From my family,to music,to friends,the whole past.every single person wipe out okay.wipe it nice&clean.
if all these things happen,or rather,the LAST wish with the most desire,i promise i'll be a good lil girl when i wake up from coma,& get 80 above for EVERY subject.yes,even maths&science.okay?OKAY.deal xD YES.i'll await for the big lorry truck for bigger hit impact. :D ooh.i cant wait.let's do a lil jaywalking,shall we.haha.(:
im laughing one moment,then i cry out loud the next second.wierd.mentally disturbed?no way.im perfectly clear of what i want now.& all i want,is that lil coma accident.
&I thought...Nevermind.
went for tuition today.
awwww.
i've missed then all soo much!
andrew bought smth for me&abby in new zealand.thats really sweet(: had a nice chat with him.ahhh.it feels good to be back there xD hee.
shaun,shouted "WEIRU!YOU'RE HERE!" when he saw me.ZZZZZ.KIDS.but C.U.T.E man!haha.i missed that kid lots.but he AH.he wacked,sat on my lap&pinched my cheeks today.=/ SOB.Auntie,i think shaun has the PERFECT makings of an abuser. =x then a new kid,Hakim.haha.his eyes are really nice(: but he SUPER blur.me and cher' pei shi was trying to teach hakim and shaun chinese.me,being the unlucky one.got SHAUN.Hakim was just staring into space while cher' pei shi was trying to teach him K2 chinese.& SHAUN.that BAD BAD KID.wacked me for direct answers.TSK.KIDS NOWADAYS.i got bruises!man.kids wack really hard.hell lah.&because of THEM'.i didnt manage to learn my physics much!cher' pei shi would be interuppted by them soon after she tries to teach me.ahhh.kids kids kids.i think cher' pei shi hair going to drop already.haha xD
then auntie teach history.and andrew had to knock his head three?no,four times on tha table.cus i could recite out the whole fall of russian monarchy thing without auntie hinting me.& i said it in SEQUENCE.so andrew was like.
andrew:"okay weiru.i give up.you're a genius man." (knock knock knock)
-.- i happened to be like a physcho these few days to study hard on it,andrew.heh.
irish gave me a long preaching session today.yes,my lady.i get it alrighte!geez.you're real whiny.& you never give up until you've said it a thousand times do you. =/
fii says im emo.not to worry lah fii(: i'll be finneeeee.
im sorry miswan! for not coming for editing today&tmr.
teng ah.are you LITERALLY out of your mind?!im afraid of HEIGHTS.those really high heights?remember?inverter?hello?no NO.not ESCAPE again.exp NOT with brian,sunny you bunch of guys.please T.T oh,that lil sea&MY SLIPPER incident is still on my mind okay.i had to walk back to the chalet BAREFOOTED.&no i dont need you guys to carry me -.- stupid stupid' brian.i have not thrown my slipper at him yet.& can we pretty please not go ride that car thingy?i almost killed sunny that time. =/ i think sunny has phobia of it now already.im a dangerous driver on the loose with blur brains.i crashed dunno how many times into...errh.everywhere.& THAT HURT.but chalet stay over with alcohol?BRING IT ON!:D YAY.
to that lil part inside me.stop pushing me.i'm going to snap.really soon.im really trying my best to hold everything inside now.&the feeling ain't fantastic.
cut my wrists.sleeping pills with tears.blood.
i hope,charlene&linda does a good job taking care of you...goh weijia.& that.you'll be over me by december 23..
&I thought...Nevermind.
ohh.please save me from all this AMARANTINE bullshit.fcuykawvkjh;
amuri kidaryodo nan mot ga
pabochorum urgo innen noe kyote
sangchoman junen narer we morego
kidarini ddonagaran marya
pogo sipda pogo sipda
iron nega miwojirmanken
urgo sipda nege murupggurgo
modoopdon iri tuer su itdamyon
michirdet sarangetden kiogi
chuokderi norer chatgo itjiman
to isang sarang iran pyonmyonge
no rer kadur su opso
ironmyon anduejiman
jugeman ken pogo sipda
pogo sipda pogo sipda
iron nega miwojir manken
mitgo sipda oreu kirirago
norer uhe donayaman handago
michirdet sarangetdon kiogo
choukder norer chatgo itjiman
to isang sarangiran pyonmyonge
norer kadur su opso
ironmyon audeujiman
jugermanken pogo sipda
jugermanken itgo sipda
&I thought...Nevermind.
no no.
its not working.
scream.scream.scream.then stop.slid down.cry until you bleed&die.
i dont get it.why must every,EVERY single person i care for is walking out of my life slowly,one by one?shit.im like sitting here alone,like some fool,with no one around me anymore.family.they were the FIRST to "oh-so-eager" run away.then friends,slowly.29 did.now him too.then now.the music i had left,is like tip-toeing out of my life,afraid i find "her"& try to pull "her" back.FINE.go away.all of you.i dont want ANY of it.i would be so much better living alone in this stupid,STUPID world.HAPPY?satisfiying isnt it.to see me broken down into pieces,with nothing left.hahahaha.fine.go ahead,point,smirk,laugh for all you want.i dont care anymore.really.im sick&tired of all this bullshit.damned right,sick&tired of trying to keep up with the outside world.now,im just shutting myself in this pathetic lil' puny room.okay?is everyone happy now?yeah.cus i sure am at the fucking highest point of my life..ha.(:
dont try tell me its okay and stuff.
i had enough.
just leave me alone.
thats what everyone is best at doing,isnt it?
yeah.so save your innocent smiles and superficial concern.
thank you.
the only one real time i said i was over him,you didnt believe,oh,JOY.
stupid past.throw throw throw.stupid music.uhh.that,just burn it all away LAH.
the sight,or very thought of piano or music ever again makes me really sick.
hearing the words,make me want to murder someone.
im a marked person,to be destroyed.
yeah,process of destruction now.
but im partying in hell like no one's buisness.
im getting out of here.
fast.before i get out of control.
&when i do.
i cant vouch for what i'll do.
ooh,that'd be interesting.
&I thought...Nevermind.
i've forgotten everything.
im SCREAMING' to the sea,
-i DON'T love you.(:
mm.i feel so much better already.hee.aye,thanks mingjiang xD haha.& imee too.
love isnt everything.im going to say that to myself a thousand times each day.
what the hell is wrng with me anyway.
its time i moved on.
the past,seemes so unreal,so fake to me now.
bittersweet' dream only.
okay weiru!stand up lah.its not the end of the world.yet.
throw throw throw!throw it all away.YAY.
&I thought...Nevermind.
today during band concert in audi control room was freaking hilarious.the band masters were hurling vulgarities everywhere lah.in a friend way.imee&that mr muz never stopped bickering.imagine.a 15 year old and a 25 year old.ROFL.they were soo sacrastic.nice comedy man.&both your singing suck lah! =x oops.
ive thought it over.
im going to let go
forget.
you dont want me to hold on right?
i wont now.
really.
im not in love anymore.(:
&I thought...Nevermind.
我想念去年的冬天
下着雪的那一夜
你给的温柔
紧握的双手
温暖整个寒冬
失去了曾经的拥有
在你离开以后
带走了笑容只
留下寂寞
忘了幸福是什么
没有你的夜特别的漆黑
只能闭上双眼去感觉
没有我的夜谁在你身边
代替了那个从前
能不能再听一次你说爱我
回到还在你怀里的时候
能不能让我再一次拥有
曾属于我的温柔.
太晚了,才懂了
我错过什么
只是当时太青涩
惘然,懵懂
情绪波动太曲折
把路都走远了
看过最美的日落
吹过 最暖的寒风
怎么记忆里所有深刻
你都在里头.
忽然间心老了
太晚了,才懂了
我错过什么
只是当时太青涩
连微笑也苦了
而你远得让我懂了天涯是什么
昨夜又下起大雨了
风把窗吹开了
然后我梦见我醒了
你的背为我被雨淋透
热闹的 宇宙中
人来人往是孤独的
心里的话身边有什么人可以说
听说失去会让我们变得成熟
你觉得呢...
sighh.
&I thought...Nevermind.
i didnt even know it was 29 the other day -.-
until like 9 at night?dottish.
& even upon knowing it.i shrugged it off.
zzzzzz' ;
i guess im really over it.
but im still missing those times.
just a friend i guess.
sighh.
i figured abby out.
yah,woman!
i sooo feel like killing you.
by the way,wish me luck for the night shift job at long john's.
i might even be working sometimes from 11 pm to 7 am.(:
i have a really weak determination.
i still let you in afterall.
i cant pretend ; cant deny.
what is love anyway.
aisshhh.
give me a rope someone.
-im hanging myself.
&I thought...Nevermind.