I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
well,happy belated birthday to me(: i woke up ytd morning to see 14 unread msgs -.- then went for a 2 hour plus A maths lesson in the morning.stupid hanafi didnt come so you owe me a big present :D after A maths,went off to pw for tuition.william owes me a book,vincent owes me a present!then then.yeah,i had E maths tuition ytd.circles are fun.haha.met weijia at macs cus he passing me my b'day present plus abby's.havent seen him for ages,i cant even rmbr.anyway.first look at aby's present,i thought it was a pig.it turned out to be a tortoise.hee.(: weijia's was a lil musical instrument! i was soooo fascinated with it,kept playing with it.turn turn turn turnnnn...!supr cute. xD awwwhh.night time lullaby.HEH.then supposed to meet them for dinner but abby msged me and asked me for dinner so yup,i cancelled with them & went with abby,shearen,nicole,imee they all instead.left mavis tuition earlier to have dinner with them at pasta mania.shearen & i shared a pizza of which i was too full to eat after 2 slices =/ no idea why.shearen was hungry though.(: nicole & imee freaks me out sometimes.they both came together,smile together then said "happy birthday!" together. o.0 freaky.but very cute,like two twin kids.haha.one in blue one in pink somemore.we took pictures!then imee said she wanted to go library to return book.so me,shearen & imee went first as aby & nicole "claimed"they wanted to go toilet.or maybe they did lah. =x near the library,imee was like,"stop here lah,wait for they all."so we stopped at the nearby play ground there.& we wait.far far away we saw nicole & abby dunno doing what.then i was like wondering what they doing & imee went "what they doing ah?call them bah,ask them come." IN THE END.it was a PLOT.(now it explains imee & nicole's long disappearing to "toilets.")smart one imee,for trying to distract me.they bought mango cake. :D haha.with nicole,very hard,(yet failing to do so) to light the candles.they sang a birthday song & i made a wish.mmm.i shall not say what but yeah.then lack of utensils.what,be indians & use hand dig to eat ah.lol.imee & nicole got spoons for a nearby mama shop so we all digged in.(: forgot to take a picture of the cake,only until halfway through.so we tried our best,& took a picture of the well,very distorted cake,with our spoons.snap snap snap,more pictures & yup,abby & shearen went off first.then me,imee & nicole walked all the way back to pw.walked in mph then wait for mum to come.mum came about 9 to pick me,then went gary's house to get all my stuff.&....i realized my geog notes are all STOLEN/LOST.fuck.die lah.all GONE.zip,zero,nothing.dammit.all my diagrams,paper & stuff.i was panicking.ah,nvm.had a short talk with gary on some stuff.mm.then i went home.to study moreeee.(yes nicole,i study & goes for classes in sch even i its my birthday -.-)
TODAY!
wellll.vincent promised a 3 day crash course geog would confirm make me pass for mye's.if i do pass,then he did the impossible.cus you know why?no matter what teacher,whoever it is,whatever they do,or no matter how much they keep explaining/teach,i nvr,evr,passed my geog before.let me elaborate.nvr more than 40 before,in fact.stress on the it,nvr evr before.get my pt?yeah.i nvr evr passed my physical geog before since sec 1 till now.& its not that i didnt study.i spend alot more time on it than other subs.but well.im not phy geog material.however,vincent says so,then i okay,set! this morning,crash course.9 am to 6.30 pm.cool right?nvr eat lunch.jst geog geog geog at the center.biang.when we got out of the room,our brains were dead,his hand was breaking due to the drawings & explanations on the board.haha.soo yup,constructive studying done today.yay.2days more to go for geog,vincent!cannn de laaaaa.(: try try try.if i pass my geog,mildred yap will go omg omg,miracle happened.& i'll tell her its your work okay.since you were her ex student like.....erm.4 years ago.LOL.but you were one of the best students right.too bad you look too ah beng lerh,she reject you when you apply for geog teacher position in TK.heh heh.& then you'll say "knowledgable ah beng mah!".zzzzz.then met them at 7 at the beach for dinner cus i cancelled out on them ytd.oh man,hilarious as usual.i could hardly eat.laughed too much.now my cheekbones hurt.they bought yam cake! yumm.we ended up playing around with the cake though.face had streaks of cake/cream -.- im not the only one though.wahahaha. xD jst reached home.yup yup.funnn day!
RANDOMS!
>say it if its worth saving me.
>come please,im calling.
>hurry,im falling.
>show me what its like to be the last one standing.
>nick's wife is damn...scary.very very.
>the korean boy is so cute! (he's a kid,by the way.)
>imagine boonhao KNITTING. o.0
>yes vincent,can deeee.crash course,crash course!
>to abby,shearen,nicole & imee <3333,& thanks for everything.
>to them,ba bi ge da tou gui la! zao dian si zao dian chao sheng laaaa(:
>some parents worry too much.
>CHEM ON TUESDAY.chammm.
>so,get tangled up in me!
> im the girl thats kicking the coke machine. :D
>"the,the,the...map keeps,...well.changing!" HEH.vincent,i didnt know okay.so STOP LAUGHING.official fact,maps DONT CHANGE.*
to you : well.im surprised that you bothered to wish me happy birthday.although you nvr replied anymore.you still ignored me the next day during class.whats you problem ah.i heard there's a motive behind it.no matter what it is,i think its stupid.very.nothing's gonna change after this ignoring game.try me.im not letting myself shake,even if i do.get this right.fuck.
some people i expected them to know/rmbr didn't.yet some people i expected least to know/rmbr actually wished me.imagine,even 29 did.hellooo.that shocked me big time.
the 2 most unexpected.
tennisa & rachel.
tennisa: im so surprised.its been...years!i think.omg omg.thanks okay.<333 i miss the old times.awhh.
rachel: yoooo cute girl! it was unexpected but well,thanks. :D
overall.im a happy girl for now.(:
-hey..thanks to you all.really.for everything.junjie,that was erh...pretty smart ytd night -.- surprise surprise.ha ha.
you asked me what i see you as & what am i to you.here's your ans.
you're a cool guy.you're smart.you make me laugh.you make people's day bright.you're good looking.you've been there for me.you nvr broke your promises before,be it big or small.you a deep thinker.our parents are good friends.you're 20,going on to SMU.you're a nice guy.you're cheerful.you can play the violin damn pro.you're my type of ideal guy.but,its only these.thats,all.i hope you get it.sorry.
&I thought...Nevermind.
last friday.
weell.nothing much that i can actualy rmbr.except that the video was showcased.lol.we got pretty good response from everyone.(: i've got 14 guys on my acting list now,lining -.- at least i wont have to worry bout lack of actors this year! maybe we can do a broadback mountain.LOL.just kidding.heh.british council was mad that day.jie lin nvr come.SOB. =/ nvm,brian still entertained me.your hair is soooo flat now.HA HA.=x omg,i nvr knew priscilla,shikin,bensum,alvin...etc & the rest of us could be so...HORNY.ROFL.i stil burst out laughing when i think of it.its kinda sick but well,hilarious! i nvr seen bensum laughed so much before -.- if jielin was there,i think the room might have jst exploded due to overdose of laughing gas.(: but it was funnn! went home with priscilla after that,we talked.well,its okay pris,things will turn out jst fine.its always like THAT. <3
last saturday.
hmms.had ss in the morning.then...nothing much bah.yupp.headed to pw for usual tuition.met alot of tk people.i didnt go for band comp. x( but well.at least for a good cause,to studyyy! =x haha.about 1 plus met them for lunch before they headed to band comp,& i headed for A maths tuition at mavis,Mr Ng.
last sunday.
met up with shenny,diane & joanna about 1 plus.bought lunch & we headed to tuition centre.oh man,lots & lots of krapping plus laughing.shenny brightens up all of our day.(: haha! with her taiwan chinese accent & perfect american english.its so cliche.things were even more fun with nick around.we all argued with him.oh,& mengting was there!YOOO,SHANGHAI WOMAN.we keep going to the same tuition yeah?coool.(: then shenny left for her barbeque.so diane & joanna bought dinner back.we all left about 9?yupp.
monday.
sch per normal.headed over to auntie alvina's after E maths.i havent been there for 2 months.& things changed hell lot.i miss the place.(: before tuition,cus i reached early,sunny met me downstairs & we sat & talked.brian was having tuition.so yup.we talked about lots of stuff as usual.& some things shocked me....like...but nvm.then history lesson.after that,me brian & sunny went & 7-eleven to talk again.then went home bout it think,8 plus bah. oh yeah,she didnt come sch.by the way,i dont hate you.in case if you're referring to me lah.
tuesday.
had chem & physics mock revision after sch.damn hard.screw.even chem.more than half blank.shitt.im offically dead.then then...went for pw tuition with diane & leanne.omg,supr horny/yet very matured session talk/tuition of chem& E maths.we talked so much on life & some in depth stuff that it was well...scary.haha.diane was like "aww.poor weiru.im so sorry you have to listen to all this crap." haha.its okay.(: i learnt some stuff yup.
wednesday.
ooohh.chem i got 90! xD whahahaa.everyone was like,"weiru you damn pro lah,previous time get f9 then now shoot up all the way to one of the top with a1 somemore." HEH.the other f9 time was accidential.i was too tired to think i blanked out marh. x( then after that....erh.nothing much.oh wait.mr choi's last A maths lesson.SIGH.i will miss him.i like that teacher =/ dammit.his first career is law firm eh! whoooa.damn cool!(: he gave us all oreos & remedial people got kinder brueno too.(: wheeee.then then.left for assembly.ava people could stay in gallery so yup.i went there.nicole,jasmine &donna hid out there too,to avoid dying of boredom.lol.then audi for second period.i went control room.on the way met them &they took all the chocolates.boy,they're damn wierd/hilarious.BUT.i shall not go into details.heh heh.it isnt a good day,but.....well.i dont paticularly care about you anymore,jst like how you don't,to me.i overheard everything,alrighte.&i didnt know you hated me to want to be there for you,to make things right.so yup,i'll keep away from you.^^ so now you happy?cool. then had A maths at mavis about 8.cynthia plus limpon came.thanks,cynthia,for helping me in A maths & for all the encouragement that i can do it.<3 limpon,my LONG LOST CHILDHOOD FRIEND.omg omg.it was soooo LONG ago.alamak.rmbr jiahong,weijie & ali right?haha.miss those times.<33333
thursday.
i didnt go sch.was having a high fever.then stay home studyy for history.biang.super alot can.then went hospital.injection.it hurt.as usual.then go home chionggg for history again.then...yupp.had a very short talk with a friend whom has been....well.sort of ignoring me the past few weeks.well.im glad we talked it out.& that things are almost back to normal.i admit i was shocked ytd when your attitude suddenly changed..so much towards me.but yeah,it feels like the old times in sec 1.haha^^ anyway.you really mean alot as a friend to me,or else i wouldnt bother feeling hurt about the way you were towards me.even though i dont know the reason still,but its okay.what matters is now,isnt' it?hope things will be even better between us for the next one &half years if im stil arnd. <3,girll!
TODAY!
oooh.start of exams.PANIIC.nicholas ask me to go his class for urgent thing in the morning & then he passed me a present from someone else.mm.im surprised.anyway.my two lil sweet juniors.nicholas & ridzwan wished me happy birthday.awww.sweet.(: english paper was okay bahh.then recess.the present happened to be a box of chocolates,which once i opened,many people came rushing. -.- then then.i went down to find them &on the way met some teachers i know.only mdm rubina & ms lim ah ber each took one ^^ &all the teachers wished me happy birthday!hee.ms lim is nice.she had a talk with me in a usual funny way.shit,i miss her =/ call me wierd but YEAH.then met them downstairs.i merely held on the chocolates,in less than 2 seconds,the whole box was GONE. -.- LOL.i got bullied like shit by them as usual laa,can.idiots.one of them supr happy eating chocolate again horh,when you jst took some on...wednesday! with the two others.haha.so i brought a totally empty box home.then had history.okay bah i think.stupid sourse based was....AHH.then no alliance at all! fuck.oh,&my hair is damn messy again.examination stress.i cant help it.then then.what else happen ah.ooooh,then health check.i shall not elaborate on it.then...waited for the group of them cus one of them msged me to wait then i wait.for like one hour plus.eeeeyer.then we jst walked all the way to katong.i got bullied again.as usual.but it was fun laa.they went to play lan,( these SLACKERS ),all 14 of them.then i took a cab home.there's british council today! cheeeeerrr for fridays :D
i think thats all lerh bah.
you have no idea how much im hurting.it jst hurts more & more by each day.i keep getting reminded of how close we used to be,msging almost every minute of the day,being there for each other & stuff.it makes me cry,heartwrenching.it tears me inside.i still cant let go.the flashes keep coming back.i jst dont see the "me getting over you" symptom happening.at least not anytime soonn.or even close to soon.im trying very hard to be okay,to survive without you.you have no idea how much i need you now at this point of time even as a friend.but you're not here.its reality,i guess.i'll jst have to deal with it.i'll be fine,strong!(:
>cos' the giirrrrl that you want,she was tearing us apart!
>what do you do,when it all falls apart.
>come baby,we ain't gonna live forever!
>someday somehow,gonna make it alrighte,but not right now!
>cos' she's everything,everything im not.
>life,taught me to die
>love,taught me to lie.
-oh yeah.thanks to you all,for the stuff you guys have done.you people are the group that i got close to,& unexpectedly,the ones that were there for me.exp lin an,junjie,lin yi,alex,chang xu,kai lun...etc.the sec one/sec two group.im eternally grateful for you all keeping my day bright &making me feel like im back in taiwan again,whre i miss so much.im so glad to have met you all & all the lunches & stuff.i know i can count on you guys to help me when im in trouble.you guys are so hilarious & oh,i can practise my chinese oral with you all everyday rmbr?HA HA.&i can type chinese msgs sooo much faster now thanks to the msgs you all blast me each day.anyway.dont keep going lan laaa....study! be good!(: heh.& im not da sao dammit.bu yao shui bian luan jiao horh. +.+ zzzz' i've nvr actually laughed so much until i met you bunch of cheena clowns =x but well,the outings were all fun.&junjie,to your advice on my fears i told you,thanks.i truely understand it now.you sound like some priest though.you guys have stood up for me in some times,& well.thanks for all the help.(:
to the taiwanese people,taiwan this december!(: rockkk.we're the blue people & ah bian plus the green people can all dieeeee!
to the china& hongkong people,shoo shoo! =x nah jk.we'll show you guys arnd taiwan(:
thanks for the chocolates,lin an.^^ to the rest of you,NO SURPRISES tmr PLEASE. =/ usual lunch anyway.seeeeee you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
&I thought...Nevermind.
fuck.im actually failing chinese,can you believe it.ng ah noi hates me to the core lah.i havent passed any of her LAME tests or passed up any of her work.but the thing is,she started to lose my books FIRST.then she blah blah,say alot of stuff.she's full of crap,super hypocrital.seriously.i cannot,stand her.she gave me a 24 over 100 for hmt.lowest in the level.HELLO?compo also give me lowest.she mark until super shuang i think.bloody hell,she's got a big problem against me.& thanks lah,for the stupid mark!bitch.i never ever hate a teacher so much to this extent,exp a chinese teacher.im even starting to miss ah ber so much.=/ really.ng ah noi,you're a big big exception ^^ you have sucessfully pissed me off permanently.& you ain't no pretty high qualification saint as you seem to think you are.
to you.stop giving me that dao look or giving me the ignore atittude which i know you're so famous for doing it to people jst cus you dont feel like it or smth.you're the last person i actually thought i would have conflicts with,but well.i can see it arising.& its gonna be huge if it blows up.well,i have a very very short limit.yeah.i sort of guessed the reason why you're acting this way,but well.i dont give a fuck about that thing,so why bother to show me that you dislike me or smth.that thing has nothing to do with me & i dont give a damn about it.you want to,you go ahead,NOT MY PROBLEM RIGHT.
i keep thinking over your words these few days.& the more i think about it,the more i find so right.& the reality of everything jst sinks in deeper into me.thanks >:D
23,well.im fine.really.im glad we're both trying to be like before.&..yeah.there's improvements.im glad.(: even though...those words hurt me.alot.but..well.nvm.some words&emotions are best left unsaid/unseen/unfelt.its all finally over anyway.i wont have to think whether we can still make it,cus the facts are already put out.i will bury everything deep inside me & pretend everything is fine & its not hurting me.you know the way i work.so rejoice,dont feel guilty.(: i'll cope with my inner self okay.we'll jst be,friends.hopefully,like the good old times.(: sf xmm & bgf ah gong!haha.
im making some changes to plans,but i'll update when it's confirmed.some people will know what im talking about.(: dont get too excited.im jst double doing everything horh.
>to cry till every single cell in you is in excruciating pain.to cry till you bleed.to cry till you cant breathe.to cry till...your heart jst stops.that cant even say half of what im feeling.sometimes,i wonder,or rather,i know.no one gives a damn about how i feel or how i am or anything.im jst a lil nobody who's screwed up,in denial of the fucked up world full of hypocrital people.the shut-off mood is going to be on to a higher level from now on to those people.one day,maybe.i'll jst disappear without a word.no one knows.
>she's everything im not.
&I thought...Nevermind.
then,had tuition all the way.then about 5 met michelle to buy her & cynthia's bubble tea before we made out way towards tuition.mr ng makes me understand function graphs,FINALLY.oh,thank GOD.im left with indices,surds & logarithms.which is...alot.but mr ng promised to make me pass in mid year for A maths.whoo!(: he's good.yeah.mm.some girls say i look like some hongkong actress -.- lol.saw kianhong today! stupid senior.its been one year plus.you've turned blacker.must be band right.tsk tsk x( band madness.thanks for keeping me entertained & being concerned for me always.
yesterday.had tuition.then there was a heavy downpour.went to walk in the rain at the beach,as usual.i love the rain.it numbs everything,momentarily.im suffering from a 39.2 degrees fever now since ytd.fuck,im so useless.i didnt get striked my lightning,but got a stupid fever again.but having fever & studying very hard makes me happy.cus there's pleasure,in not resting,& inflicting self torture.
to that person: thanks & sorry,for making you so worried,that you ran out to find me in the rain at the beach.i guess you had the instinct i would be there when you phoned her & found that i left the tuition centre when the rain started.thanks,for your shoulder,lending me to cry in the rain.i know how worried you were,that i would do stupid stuff or smth would happen to me.thanks,for the slap you gave me yesterday,in an effort to wake me up.you screamed at me,saying i was stupid & everything.well...im sorry.its,jst...too late for anything.im dead,already.still,thanks for everything.for the past one month or so i've known you.even though we knew each other a short time only,you were like my elder brother,who cared for me so much.you shared my pain,tears...everything.thank you,for your help & assurance.
boonhao,happy birthday! ^^ & thanks,for listening today.
>tan weiru zoe-ann.what the fuck are you doing to yourself.stop it,NOW.you'll die at this rate.dont forget those words.you know you'll die at this rate,if you contd all the stuff you're not supposed to.dont forget how mum...is that what you really want,death?
-yes,thats what i really want.
&I thought...Nevermind.
i know i havent been the nicest person to be with,to hang out with,but you guys have been there for me,to talk to me,& yeah.the past few weeks,i really feel home.like im back in taiwan again.(: there's jst this familiarity feeling,hanging out with you guys so yup,thanks many many for everything you all have done. ( don't evr pull me to lan again cus im NVR EVR going again >.< ) you guys have been such a great support & even though we dont really hang out in sch,( due to....),but well.we still pulled it off pretty well,having some pretty good fun times together.thanks.^^ for..you,you,you...& you all.well,i dont know what to say anymore.i jst feel lost with you all,feel like a total outcast,i totally dont cut in.i may not know the things said behind my back but,well.i can feel it sometimes,be it good or bad.i've always heard that best friends will live you someday as well.i find that so perfectly true.i couldnt take it in the first few days or first week,but now,im alot better.maybe cus im jst too tired to care,jst like how you are too tired of repeating the same thing,same advice to me each time im down.you're too tired to be there for me due to my depression.well,its okay.you jst take good care of yourself & the others,yup?i jst want to say,if anything happens,its not that i didnt try.its becus i tried too hard thats why i crashed.
to a close brother-like friend i lost very recently.damn you.im trying very hard to at least not dammit hate you,but you're making things very very difficult.i thought everything was cleared & fine between us & now whats this?did you jst decide that you cant be bothered with me,like the rest of the world & jst ignore & leave me alone like i nvr existed?you made promises which you broke now.the promises...were for fun?fuck you.i hate your doing & everything,& how you keep hanging with.....etc when you know perfectly well i......yeah.seriously.you dont care,i dont care,we're EVEN.you can go live your life as whatever you want,i wont give a shit,anymore.i SWEAR.its history.i sure hope you rot in hell & get a taste of how i've been through.once again,fuck you.
promises are meant to be broken.thats what i learned,most importantly.
even best friends,will leave someday,at unexpected times too,w/o a reason.
i've finally found a purpose in life i think its worth striving for.i cant believe how i'd missed it for so long.
music, /VIENNA.
thats it.thats the target,thats that.im leaving these stupid place with a few friends who were really by me.from now on,im not going to care bout those people i used to care so much for,but care for those whom are worth it at least.
23,im tired.i hate all those memories,those words you used to say & many many other stuff.i really really miss all the times we had together,even before we even started.However,i know how ridiculously impossible it is now.look at the situation.hello?we can hardly have a proper conversation already,let alone...talking as close friends like before.i havent seen you in weeks,going on months & hell,i hate myself alot.i hate myself for all the mistakes i've done,for not sparing you all the free attention i have when im not studying or doing....etc.i hate myself for being so busy & depressed all the time that you have to worry about me so much or either,when i last minute cant make it for smth,i make you disappointed.looking back,i realised how i've treated you.my actions simply didnt fit in with my heart due to certain restrains.what i want to do may not be what i can/could do.well,a big sigh.all this has passed & i know this time,its irreversible between us.i guess i cant blame you for your feelings fading as im partly to blame.the distance between us jst got bigger after you left TK,we see each other so much less & you're not the kind that can take alot of distance.i guess everything's too late,nothing can be done now.if i could turn back time,i would have given you everything,given you all the time & attention i had,to show you how you really meant to me & how much...i actually loved you.im sorry,for the hurt,for our huge distance....for everything i've actually put you through.mianhae.
i've been in such a state of depression that im starting to think that my mind is really screwed beyond repair.no matter how many sessions of mind therapy im currently going through with that stupid doctor,jst face it.im nvr going to be the same again.so dad,dont waste the efforts & money anymore.this,is reality.your daughter is screwed badly & she's like a doll who broke her arm or whatever.even if forcibly repaired,a permanent deep scar would be left there.im having illusions,seeing things,having wierd dreams,thinking of stuff that would nvr evr happen.im so depressed that i keep walking in the heavy rains to numb what im feeling due to the flu i always get after that.i cant rmbr how many nights i spent,torturing myself,beating myself,trying to cut myself,slapping myself hard across the face to numb the pain im feeling deep within.i cant rmbr the number of times i've cried,i've screamed,i've covered my ears & hid in a corner,hoping to jst die right now & then so i wont have to face all these brutal torture anymore.every single comment/action/look affects me now,bit by bit slowly."i've swallowed a secret burning thread.it cuts me inside,& often i've bled.",quote from the queen & the soldier.yeah,i've swallowed many things inside me,keeping things mum,shutting myself like a fan.why?cus i dont want to let another person i love so much,get inside me & get hurt by me.im full of thorns,you'll jst get pricked if you're too close to me.
i've always been like that.i dont understand why.nothing makes me really happy anymore as i keep stuggling under the pretence & facades to be happy.im trying so very hard,to at least put on a show for the people who cares for me,to make them stop worrying.but somehow,my facades are malfunctioning & i can no longer hid myself away anymore.i feel more exposed than ever,so vulnerable that anyone can see through me.
okay,im posting this WAYYY late but well.the emotions & memories jst came rushing back suddenly.CONFESSION.i miss the SL's camp.& the cohort camp.& my dear lil 2a kids.(: plus some other sec 2's i've known through the camp.ROJAK OYEE! we're leader's o6' :D until now,im still clueless on how you all,2a's,actually won the best class -.- that definately got me stumped.the poor leaders who suffered with me in taking you all,zackary,guo xi & roderick.oh man,we sure had a hard time. >.< slacking ="/" me ="/)">BEST.
now,today.today...was games carnival! saw a few ex seniors who came back to sch.well...some of them reminded of me of stuff.anyway.games carnival was hectic.it was mad -.- whole sec 1 to sec 4 cramped around the canteen and that assembly area.bags were strewn all over the place.i was in charge of the music station.(: dadeeladumm-! people started to come with their ipods with requests for songs =/ oh well.then..had a talk with one of them again while he was waiting for mr singh,who purposely....(nvm.)then after the music station had more ava members coming, jst left them in charge altogether & i went around with a mike! ahaaa.i was so excited with the mike that miswan says im too fascinated with it,like i nvr see mike before -.- thanks lah,miswan! then..hanged out with them.at the piano area & we played the piano & talked & stuff.they bullied me badly.x( dammit.i wack until i've got a bruise on my "so called" flawless fingers,by them.then yup.jst talked & crapped alot i guess.we werent watching the relay.heh.then then...i guess nothing much.oh no,wait.the crux of the entire games carnival thing.while at the prize giving,i accidentally hit the play button of the sch song and the sch song blasted out through the sch speakers while they were giving out prizes.i was stunned & stoned there for a moment or two cus i didnt know what happened.then i went "ah?oh wait.SHIT.",then faster stop it.the whole sch was looking in my direction & miss wang plus miss toh were like,"weiru!!!".ah well.i was attempting to sleep!thats why i accidentally hit the play button. x( ahh.ah ber came & said in chinese,"weiru ah,you want to go home so badly isit?".she was chuckling in that way of hers.ahhh.i was right in front of the sec 2's somemore.i guess it caused a big uproar >.< cus everyone thought can go home lerh,as we're supposed to be dismissed after sch song.i got made fun of later =/ so yup.we got a performance from the band.pretty cool,their music.hee.then,i went home.then went to walk to the beach.wanted to call him as he urges me to,but well.i decided not to put him in a difficult spot jst in case i cry,as usual.
sigh,im sick & tired of living my life this way.i believe many people are sick of it,& friends have left me for that.well,i cant blame them,can i?well.i cant help it.im too tired to try,i have no more energy to try anymore.each time,i keep trying,but nothing ever comes out of it.let's see,i lost a best friend,a close-like brother,& im distanced for the whole lot of them.pretty eventful month huh.things jst happen to fast; i could hardly react to it.i've asked myself countless times,why am i this way.but,no answer is ever appeared to me.things,happen for a reason,hidden or not,it does.the reason im like that is largely due to the fact of too many things screwing my mind & heart out.far too many.it screwed me up so much,that i cant bother to try or care anymore.i lost my faith,my direction.all hopes were crashed,down to the extent that even the smallest atom wasnt spared.im still literally alive,cus the memories are keeping me alive.the memories i have.i dont have a real life.its all gone,crashed.sigh.need i say anything more.there's jst this pt.tan weiru zoe-ann is dead,gone.totally.there's no more her.to those people who havent been bothering much,dont start to bother now.its too late,when someone's already well dead.dont make yourself look hypocrital yup.
phylicia,i still love you alot alright.& im missing you sooo much.though we havent been talking alot,but trust me,i still care for you.loveee!(: thanks,for being concerned.
to brian & sunny.i dont know how to thank you guys anymore,for all the times you all listened to me cry & many many other stuff.you guys...have been there for me always,checking up on me,keeping up with myself every two to three days.i know you guys are very very very worried for me & im sorry.im so glad to have met the both of you,& though we havent been meeting much due to the fact i keep not going to tuition =/,but we're still as close as ever.im so thankful for you all really.
yup.thats about it all,i think.well,to someone.erm..i thought you were supposed to be avoiding me?or did you jst realise what you did was wrng or smth.but still,you could not have slapped my back in a so called brotherly way -.-
>i've finally lost any bit of control i still had over my mind.now,its hectic & i cant stop it.
&I thought...Nevermind.
there's jst so many times,i've cried my whole heart out that i've lost count of the number of times.I dont rmbr ever being really happy since...i dont know when.i've forgotten what its like to be happy; forgotten the light.im alone now,usually in sch.in the past,i would have probally died already.im a person who's very very very afraid of being abandoned & left alone.but now....mm.i guess im used to it.my feelings are jst numb so i dont/cant feel much.its like,whenever i realise that im alone,smth inside me now replies,"so?".its no big deal for me anymore cus im too used to being alone now that if everyone were to start being by me now,i would maybe feel wierd.& partly,its cus,im too tired to care.im living my life everyday now,in delusion.i hardly know what im doing more than half of the time.
i've forgotten the feeling of being with friends.forgotten the comfort of a friend.partly cus...i've closed myself up alot.to my closest friends right now(you know who),i only jst..talk.but even when talking,i stil try to put on my facade.sadly,the only people i can trust & totaly let go,either left,backstabbed or either busy in some way or another..& the distance is smth so big that deep down,i know it can nvr be filled up again.i've really cut myself out from the outside world almost totally.as for sch,lol.needless to say,i've totally cut off from that grp in sch.the first to cut off.i have no idea why.slowly,the distance jst grew further & further.sometimes i dont understand people.when they always say they care & stuff,or worry bout smth,why dont they actually do smth about it.at times,jst the thought is totally not enough.
to you: well,i am unimportant to you & i know it.things are very very different now.in fact,its TOTALLY different from what we used to be.maybe its a change of opinions on your part.i know how sometimes you're okay,sometimes not okay with the person.i cant say i dont miss the times we used to have,but now,i dont see the pt anymore.jst like 23.there's no pt.i'll jst let things go as if like,im not going to try & control it.cus why?i've tried too much.tried too hard.ever since that counsellor appeared in my life in sec1.i keep trying,keep waiting,keep caring that now im too tired for anything.im sick of all those.& i find it useless now.maybe i simply cried too often that my crying/my tears seem worthless to you already.well,im not trying to gain sympathy here,really.it's jst an honest view on my part.or maybe,cus you've seen me down too long & you,being a bubbly girl,cannot really take all the emo-ness.well,i understand.perfectly.for you being too busy to not care & ....etc.
to summarise it all,let's jst say i dont mind being alone anymore.somehow,smth snapped inside me,broken beyond repair.i dont care if anyone cares about me anymore.dont ask me how i became like this,i have no idea.i dont give a damn anymore since i'll be getting out of here soon.i've given up,here.to 23,jst go & live your life well dammit.go find some girl that will love & treat you MUCH MUCH better than i do.im jst too busy for you&you're not the type to take distances.well,im sorry for not being the kind of girl who can provide you with the basic stuff in relationships,in other words,im not your kind of girlfriend material.i used to think we were going to last for a long long time & everything would be fine.well,no.but whatever.i hope you're happy.the feelings on my part,still ain't fading a single bit.thanks,for leaving me here like this alone,bestfriend/brother/.......i loved you.
thats all.i have much much more im feeling that im so unstable now.me getting out of control of my emotions late at night seems normal & expected these days.its a daily night routine now.
so,people.dont bother.jst face it,i'll nvr be okay again.if you all really wanted to be there for me,you all would have,at the pt when i was breaking & crushing down hard.& not now,when im already dead.
&I thought...Nevermind.
to HER: i know you really want to care,but you're jst too busy to care.you have your problems & im sorry for being oblivious to them.i jst want to say,its okay that we drifted apart,alot.as long as you're happy & know that i'll be here whenever you need someone,nothing really matters.im fine with it.
to her: i hope you know how hurting sometimes your actions are.you dont know how hypocrital you actually are.maybe its jst me,but...thats my honest opinion.its scary how i used to trust you so much.who are you,really.
to her: well.we're not really close.we hardly talk.i know nothing bout whats happening in your life always.but i hope you know im always here for you.& i really wish that you would be happy.
to her: ...whatever.i dont care.
to her: please know that you cant only depend on love in your life.you have friends,& please dont put love over friends.even if you're in a relationship,doesnt give you an excuse to drift away from your friends.dont forget what they've done for you,& all those times.
to her: stay this way.
to her,her,her,him: oh YES.we'll be leaving here this june,yeah?(: finally.
to him: im sorry for all the hurt i caused,but its jst not possible.
to him & him: hope you two are okay & keep in touch often alrighte,though im not always going tuition!
to him,him,him,him&him: you guys will be alrighte & lets all not drift apart.besides the fact that i probaly would die early thanks to you guys. -.- good luck in ah ber's class.HEH.
to her: i know you miss me alot & i miss you too!(:
to him: im glad we're past all those & are jst good friends now.
to the british council people: i love fridays. xD laughing gas!
to my pri sch friens: i miss you people,hell lot.dammit.
to her: thanks for the talk,it helped alot.(:
to her & him: sorry to let you two keep worrying about me.happy together,both of you!
to him & him: thanks for ALL the support & help so far.filming!
yup,thats all i rmbr for now.
to 23,there's jst too much to say.too much that i cant say.it cant be expressed,only felt.i dont know how we've become like...this.
i miss you.all this is too much for me to take.its like a sudden drastic change.i'm trying very hard,really.
to the rest of the people i know: im facing the reality that i will nvr evr be fine again.its not jst a small nightmare.ithe scar will always be there.memories haunting,every moment.ts smth...that really really i cant express it.but it made a huge impact.i've changed,again.from sec 1 to sec 2,once,august 29.now,again.but worse.i dont think i have much of a life left anymore.my thinking,opinions changed so much.the things i like..bleah blah,changed totally.i dont know who i am anymore.im not always okay as i seem.i smile,but how much pain/tears/breakdowns had happened behind all of it.its jst a strong exterior.alot of people are leaving me due to my emoness/depression.well,i cant stop you.but i really hope you guys are okay still.i dont want other people to get affected by me.but sometimes,i really need someone,to talk to,a shoulder to cry on,a big hug.i need someone by me now,to go through this period of rough time.but i guess,there's no one.i have only myself,to depend on.its okay.i'll jst try to survive without you,you,you&....alot of you all.yupp.
night everyone.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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