I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
i know i havent been the nicest person to be with,to hang out with,but you guys have been there for me,to talk to me,& yeah.the past few weeks,i really feel home.like im back in taiwan again.(: there's jst this familiarity feeling,hanging out with you guys so yup,thanks many many for everything you all have done. ( don't evr pull me to lan again cus im NVR EVR going again >.< ) you guys have been such a great support & even though we dont really hang out in sch,( due to....),but well.we still pulled it off pretty well,having some pretty good fun times together.thanks.^^ for..you,you,you...& you all.well,i dont know what to say anymore.i jst feel lost with you all,feel like a total outcast,i totally dont cut in.i may not know the things said behind my back but,well.i can feel it sometimes,be it good or bad.i've always heard that best friends will live you someday as well.i find that so perfectly true.i couldnt take it in the first few days or first week,but now,im alot better.maybe cus im jst too tired to care,jst like how you are too tired of repeating the same thing,same advice to me each time im down.you're too tired to be there for me due to my depression.well,its okay.you jst take good care of yourself & the others,yup?i jst want to say,if anything happens,its not that i didnt try.its becus i tried too hard thats why i crashed.
to a close brother-like friend i lost very recently.damn you.im trying very hard to at least not dammit hate you,but you're making things very very difficult.i thought everything was cleared & fine between us & now whats this?did you jst decide that you cant be bothered with me,like the rest of the world & jst ignore & leave me alone like i nvr existed?you made promises which you broke now.the promises...were for fun?fuck you.i hate your doing & everything,& how you keep hanging with.....etc when you know perfectly well i......yeah.seriously.you dont care,i dont care,we're EVEN.you can go live your life as whatever you want,i wont give a shit,anymore.i SWEAR.its history.i sure hope you rot in hell & get a taste of how i've been through.once again,fuck you.
promises are meant to be broken.thats what i learned,most importantly.
even best friends,will leave someday,at unexpected times too,w/o a reason.
i've finally found a purpose in life i think its worth striving for.i cant believe how i'd missed it for so long.
music, /VIENNA.
thats it.thats the target,thats that.im leaving these stupid place with a few friends who were really by me.from now on,im not going to care bout those people i used to care so much for,but care for those whom are worth it at least.
23,im tired.i hate all those memories,those words you used to say & many many other stuff.i really really miss all the times we had together,even before we even started.However,i know how ridiculously impossible it is now.look at the situation.hello?we can hardly have a proper conversation already,let alone...talking as close friends like before.i havent seen you in weeks,going on months & hell,i hate myself alot.i hate myself for all the mistakes i've done,for not sparing you all the free attention i have when im not studying or doing....etc.i hate myself for being so busy & depressed all the time that you have to worry about me so much or either,when i last minute cant make it for smth,i make you disappointed.looking back,i realised how i've treated you.my actions simply didnt fit in with my heart due to certain restrains.what i want to do may not be what i can/could do.well,a big sigh.all this has passed & i know this time,its irreversible between us.i guess i cant blame you for your feelings fading as im partly to blame.the distance between us jst got bigger after you left TK,we see each other so much less & you're not the kind that can take alot of distance.i guess everything's too late,nothing can be done now.if i could turn back time,i would have given you everything,given you all the time & attention i had,to show you how you really meant to me & how much...i actually loved you.im sorry,for the hurt,for our huge distance....for everything i've actually put you through.mianhae.
i've been in such a state of depression that im starting to think that my mind is really screwed beyond repair.no matter how many sessions of mind therapy im currently going through with that stupid doctor,jst face it.im nvr going to be the same again.so dad,dont waste the efforts & money anymore.this,is reality.your daughter is screwed badly & she's like a doll who broke her arm or whatever.even if forcibly repaired,a permanent deep scar would be left there.im having illusions,seeing things,having wierd dreams,thinking of stuff that would nvr evr happen.im so depressed that i keep walking in the heavy rains to numb what im feeling due to the flu i always get after that.i cant rmbr how many nights i spent,torturing myself,beating myself,trying to cut myself,slapping myself hard across the face to numb the pain im feeling deep within.i cant rmbr the number of times i've cried,i've screamed,i've covered my ears & hid in a corner,hoping to jst die right now & then so i wont have to face all these brutal torture anymore.every single comment/action/look affects me now,bit by bit slowly."i've swallowed a secret burning thread.it cuts me inside,& often i've bled.",quote from the queen & the soldier.yeah,i've swallowed many things inside me,keeping things mum,shutting myself like a fan.why?cus i dont want to let another person i love so much,get inside me & get hurt by me.im full of thorns,you'll jst get pricked if you're too close to me.
i've always been like that.i dont understand why.nothing makes me really happy anymore as i keep stuggling under the pretence & facades to be happy.im trying so very hard,to at least put on a show for the people who cares for me,to make them stop worrying.but somehow,my facades are malfunctioning & i can no longer hid myself away anymore.i feel more exposed than ever,so vulnerable that anyone can see through me.
okay,im posting this WAYYY late but well.the emotions & memories jst came rushing back suddenly.CONFESSION.i miss the SL's camp.& the cohort camp.& my dear lil 2a kids.(: plus some other sec 2's i've known through the camp.ROJAK OYEE! we're leader's o6' :D until now,im still clueless on how you all,2a's,actually won the best class -.- that definately got me stumped.the poor leaders who suffered with me in taking you all,zackary,guo xi & roderick.oh man,we sure had a hard time. >.< slacking ="/" me ="/)">BEST.
now,today.today...was games carnival! saw a few ex seniors who came back to sch.well...some of them reminded of me of stuff.anyway.games carnival was hectic.it was mad -.- whole sec 1 to sec 4 cramped around the canteen and that assembly area.bags were strewn all over the place.i was in charge of the music station.(: dadeeladumm-! people started to come with their ipods with requests for songs =/ oh well.then..had a talk with one of them again while he was waiting for mr singh,who purposely....(nvm.)then after the music station had more ava members coming, jst left them in charge altogether & i went around with a mike! ahaaa.i was so excited with the mike that miswan says im too fascinated with it,like i nvr see mike before -.- thanks lah,miswan! then..hanged out with them.at the piano area & we played the piano & talked & stuff.they bullied me badly.x( dammit.i wack until i've got a bruise on my "so called" flawless fingers,by them.then yup.jst talked & crapped alot i guess.we werent watching the relay.heh.then then...i guess nothing much.oh no,wait.the crux of the entire games carnival thing.while at the prize giving,i accidentally hit the play button of the sch song and the sch song blasted out through the sch speakers while they were giving out prizes.i was stunned & stoned there for a moment or two cus i didnt know what happened.then i went "ah?oh wait.SHIT.",then faster stop it.the whole sch was looking in my direction & miss wang plus miss toh were like,"weiru!!!".ah well.i was attempting to sleep!thats why i accidentally hit the play button. x( ahh.ah ber came & said in chinese,"weiru ah,you want to go home so badly isit?".she was chuckling in that way of hers.ahhh.i was right in front of the sec 2's somemore.i guess it caused a big uproar >.< cus everyone thought can go home lerh,as we're supposed to be dismissed after sch song.i got made fun of later =/ so yup.we got a performance from the band.pretty cool,their music.hee.then,i went home.then went to walk to the beach.wanted to call him as he urges me to,but well.i decided not to put him in a difficult spot jst in case i cry,as usual.
sigh,im sick & tired of living my life this way.i believe many people are sick of it,& friends have left me for that.well,i cant blame them,can i?well.i cant help it.im too tired to try,i have no more energy to try anymore.each time,i keep trying,but nothing ever comes out of it.let's see,i lost a best friend,a close-like brother,& im distanced for the whole lot of them.pretty eventful month huh.things jst happen to fast; i could hardly react to it.i've asked myself countless times,why am i this way.but,no answer is ever appeared to me.things,happen for a reason,hidden or not,it does.the reason im like that is largely due to the fact of too many things screwing my mind & heart out.far too many.it screwed me up so much,that i cant bother to try or care anymore.i lost my faith,my direction.all hopes were crashed,down to the extent that even the smallest atom wasnt spared.im still literally alive,cus the memories are keeping me alive.the memories i have.i dont have a real life.its all gone,crashed.sigh.need i say anything more.there's jst this pt.tan weiru zoe-ann is dead,gone.totally.there's no more her.to those people who havent been bothering much,dont start to bother now.its too late,when someone's already well dead.dont make yourself look hypocrital yup.
phylicia,i still love you alot alright.& im missing you sooo much.though we havent been talking alot,but trust me,i still care for you.loveee!(: thanks,for being concerned.
to brian & sunny.i dont know how to thank you guys anymore,for all the times you all listened to me cry & many many other stuff.you guys...have been there for me always,checking up on me,keeping up with myself every two to three days.i know you guys are very very very worried for me & im sorry.im so glad to have met the both of you,& though we havent been meeting much due to the fact i keep not going to tuition =/,but we're still as close as ever.im so thankful for you all really.
yup.thats about it all,i think.well,to someone.erm..i thought you were supposed to be avoiding me?or did you jst realise what you did was wrng or smth.but still,you could not have slapped my back in a so called brotherly way -.-
>i've finally lost any bit of control i still had over my mind.now,its hectic & i cant stop it.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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