I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
there's jst so many times,i've cried my whole heart out that i've lost count of the number of times.I dont rmbr ever being really happy since...i dont know when.i've forgotten what its like to be happy; forgotten the light.im alone now,usually in sch.in the past,i would have probally died already.im a person who's very very very afraid of being abandoned & left alone.but now....mm.i guess im used to it.my feelings are jst numb so i dont/cant feel much.its like,whenever i realise that im alone,smth inside me now replies,"so?".its no big deal for me anymore cus im too used to being alone now that if everyone were to start being by me now,i would maybe feel wierd.& partly,its cus,im too tired to care.im living my life everyday now,in delusion.i hardly know what im doing more than half of the time.
i've forgotten the feeling of being with friends.forgotten the comfort of a friend.partly cus...i've closed myself up alot.to my closest friends right now(you know who),i only jst..talk.but even when talking,i stil try to put on my facade.sadly,the only people i can trust & totaly let go,either left,backstabbed or either busy in some way or another..& the distance is smth so big that deep down,i know it can nvr be filled up again.i've really cut myself out from the outside world almost totally.as for sch,lol.needless to say,i've totally cut off from that grp in sch.the first to cut off.i have no idea why.slowly,the distance jst grew further & further.sometimes i dont understand people.when they always say they care & stuff,or worry bout smth,why dont they actually do smth about it.at times,jst the thought is totally not enough.
to you: well,i am unimportant to you & i know it.things are very very different now.in fact,its TOTALLY different from what we used to be.maybe its a change of opinions on your part.i know how sometimes you're okay,sometimes not okay with the person.i cant say i dont miss the times we used to have,but now,i dont see the pt anymore.jst like 23.there's no pt.i'll jst let things go as if like,im not going to try & control it.cus why?i've tried too much.tried too hard.ever since that counsellor appeared in my life in sec1.i keep trying,keep waiting,keep caring that now im too tired for anything.im sick of all those.& i find it useless now.maybe i simply cried too often that my crying/my tears seem worthless to you already.well,im not trying to gain sympathy here,really.it's jst an honest view on my part.or maybe,cus you've seen me down too long & you,being a bubbly girl,cannot really take all the emo-ness.well,i understand.perfectly.for you being too busy to not care & ....etc.
to summarise it all,let's jst say i dont mind being alone anymore.somehow,smth snapped inside me,broken beyond repair.i dont care if anyone cares about me anymore.dont ask me how i became like this,i have no idea.i dont give a damn anymore since i'll be getting out of here soon.i've given up,here.to 23,jst go & live your life well dammit.go find some girl that will love & treat you MUCH MUCH better than i do.im jst too busy for you&you're not the type to take distances.well,im sorry for not being the kind of girl who can provide you with the basic stuff in relationships,in other words,im not your kind of girlfriend material.i used to think we were going to last for a long long time & everything would be fine.well,no.but whatever.i hope you're happy.the feelings on my part,still ain't fading a single bit.thanks,for leaving me here like this alone,bestfriend/brother/.......i loved you.
thats all.i have much much more im feeling that im so unstable now.me getting out of control of my emotions late at night seems normal & expected these days.its a daily night routine now.
so,people.dont bother.jst face it,i'll nvr be okay again.if you all really wanted to be there for me,you all would have,at the pt when i was breaking & crushing down hard.& not now,when im already dead.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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