I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
abby; hey girl.we had our ups & downs & i've known you for ages since pri sch.i know...there's still some mistrust between us but,well.anyway.i jst wanna say you were the best friend i ever had,i swear.i really care for you alot,no matter what.so...just take very good care of yourself.if you ever nd me,well.find me on msn okay.(: some words i jst dont know how to say,to explain the kind of love(friendship) between us but,oh well,you get my pt.
nicole; ayeeee woman!(: mm.i'll admit i was pretty pissed off with you when you were showing me attitude for those few weeks.why?cus i really really cared for you & had no idea why you'd done that.it was completely w/o reason & it caught me off guard.i dont like that feeling =/ sorry.now,i've got an idea why you've done that ( dont ask me how i know,i jst do ),but anyways.jst trust me.you are a friend i really care alot for & one of the friends i would definitely on first basis turn to when i need someone to talk to.somehow,i jst dont really do that cus i dont know how to,but i swear,you're the first few i thought of.we arent' very close,we dont really talk.we jst laugh,joke & stuff but i guess i'll be content with that.you've been a great friend to me in many ways still.thanks for the times in sec one.do take alot of care & be more blunt next time,it would be much better than keeping everything inside yeah.people would feel better,you would too : D
imee; my dear imee.we're not very close,i gotta say that.but...you know that i care for you alot right?always when i have a problem,i know i can turn to you & you'd listen to me & give the best advice.you're one of the greatest & most trusted friends i have.i know i can trust you to listen & know my feelings.somehow,i jst know you'd understand how im feeling sometimes,& im so grateful for that.thanks for alot of stuff,imee.really.i really really appreciate it.(:
donna; donna donna donna.i know due to some stuff he said,which made you think i hated you.i swear,NOOOO i dont.admittedly,i get pissed off sometimes over some very very trivial matters.but i dont hate you,& wont.we've known each other a long way,since pri sch with phy & the rest of the others.we've got a long history,donna(: haha.actually,you know me pretty well.but we're jst not close.but i like your bluntness,your frankess to say everything.like that time,when she truthfully say the problem it was with me.harsh it was,but it waked me up.i need that wake up call.thanks for that,donna.maybe i wasnt the person who was there when you needed someone.but trust me,you're a good friend to me & i really wish for us to be closer.if im back,i hope we'll be better friends(: i truely understand how you feel sometimes,when i read your blog.i jst feel it,i know how sucky it is.but...you gotta be strong :]
shearen; we hardly talk outside sch.in fact,almost never.in sch,almost never as well.mm.but you're one very nice girl,i swear.(: some antics of yours really make me laugh.sometimes,i know you're worried about me but you jst dont say anything.well,thanks.for at least being concerned.take care,girl.
josephine; yooooo jo!you are one hilarious woman. =x ahaaaa.sometimes we can jst stare each other & start bursting out in laughter non stop.at times when you ask me if im okay with that smile,i'd smile back & say yeah,im fine.you're concerned,thanks for that. (: you make my day,jo.LOL.with all those...actions & hyper-ism/suaning.heh heh.
23; its time for the truth talking here.the truth is?im not over you.i wanted to be there for you as a friend,for things to be okay between us again,so yeah.im sorry,i lied a little.im very very,sorry.it hurts but im happy you're telling me stuff now,not like the previous months where we're like complete strangers,& im desperately searching for that friendship to go on.its hard you know.in the past,each time something goes wrng between us,i go down down down.....i dont see anything,i forget everything,i forsake everyone around me & jst lock myself up in memories.you you you.it was all about you in me at that time.but no,thats not going to be the case anymore.its plain stupid of me to be like,being around you all the time,yet i know you're very into her already.i've seen it for myself,i know there's definitely no turning back.there's no many mistakes to count,missed chances.i dont know what to say.i plunge deep down,locked in a dark pit away from the world,cos of you.i forget every single thing.its like,you're hallucinating me or smth,& it freaks me out.until now,im still like that,but i've learned to cope better with it.i dont think its worth it when i do that cus i'll be forsaking the people who really cares & loves me.in the past,i kept grumbling,kept thinking why they treated me this way,like im an outcast & stuff.truth is?i treated THEM as an outcast in my life at that time,when i was so lost in the pain.i blocked them out,ignored them,showed tempers,throw trantums,anti social,dont care them,cold stares,what the fuck tempers & all these stupid childish stuff.i am so guilty of that.its time i snapped out of it & get a life of my own,without you.yes,a life without you completely.a life where you never entered or before all those 29 stuff happened,where i was still a lil happy smiling girl.yes,im going to start living from there right now.i had enough,i think im already stupid enough,i've made enough dumb mistakes,i've given up too many things,hurt too many people for you & no way im going to let that happen again.im stil bleeding badly,but who cares.it'll stop bleeding someday,like how i'll breathe again...someday.i know i will walk out of everything.
29; you ah.i've got nothing to say actually.i've stopped hating you or anything.maybe i still miss you being by my side as a very good friend.you made a big change in my life,made a starting pt which made me so reliant on you.well,i've walken out of that phase.good luck to you & her : D
shi fu; we lost contact now.totally.you mean alot to me & you'll always be my shifu no matter what.thanks for the time where you got through with me that very very very hard period after 29.you taught me how to stand up,how to open myself up again.i still rmbr all your advice.thanks,for everything you've ever done.im indebted.
the two of you; well.i hope you two treasure your friendship okay.i might be gone so yeah.no more misunderstandings?both of you did alot for me.i appreciate every thing.thank you thank you THANK YOU : D one,for that secure feeling.another,for showing me how to breathe,even if its only for a very short moment.thanks for everything,i swear,you two wont be forgotten.keep in touch!(: see you guys back in our home country.heh.for the rest of the group,i cant express how grateful.for making me feel so home. :]
brian & sunny & teng; aiyah.you all know already right?thanks,eternally.for the never ending help,concern & advice you guys have given.
well,there's alot of other people.but those people...i guess i'll tell them personally.anyway.i love all of you guys.i swear i do.i appreciate what everyone has ever done for me,& im sorry for being so stupid & depressed for so long.i think it lasted over a very long period of time,all those emo shit.im so so so sorry.its not going to be like that anymore,i've grown UP! haha.anyways.take care people.i'll be missing in action for a a few days,if not,for a long long long long time.keep contact through msn though.leaving on friday night.should be coming back in 5 days time.if not....well.no idea when i'll ever come back.take care everyone. <333333 i'll rmbr all the times.thanks to the usuals in sch & the china grp & my primary sch friends.
&I thought...Nevermind.
imee is 16 now.(: you can watch nc 16 shows proudly now,girl.(: well,i hope you'll always be happy okay,no matter whats going on in your life now.we dont talk alot,but i really care for you alot & you're one of the most trusted friends i have,i swear.you mean alot to me : D (that sounded les)ahaaa. okayyyy,steamboat last night at marina bay there was really....mad.very.with imee,abby,nicole,donna,jasmine,rachel,josephine,boon,nicholas,david,shearen& me.justyn couldnt come,some cell thing.we really made hell lot of noise in the mrt,& at the steamboat place.(competited noise pollution with 2 other tables,people at the other end side could hear us ,even.).rachel couldnt stop suaning,( she called me taiwan ambassador?!!) LOL.donna started the ICE WAR THING.jasmine teo,you ALSO.they tortured the living prawns.super hilarous,i tell you.one prawn actually jumped out of the soup & erm,sort of aimed for nicole.nicole yelled & jumped away.HEH.abby then told me they were here.i went to check,OH MY GOD.however it was only four of them.chang xu,kai lun,lin yi,zi wen & i think another guy from another sch or smth.anyway.i ran between two tables.lin yi looked up and stared at me in shock.chang xu was in the action of drinking his water but stopped halfway.kai lun saw me & the prawn that he was holding with the chopsticks dropped.( the prawn wriggled on the plate -.-).ziwen,turn,saw me,JUMPED AWAY.& started babbling dunno what at me.lin yi got scolded by his mum.they went to smoke,fuck.oh,they all know donna & jasmine though.they know donna as student leader & jasmine as.....the VERY FIERCE girl.ahaa.shall not say what experience they had with her.oh,i think i paralysed ziwen. xD i cant rmbr how many times i smacked him (maybe over 30) & lastly,(i was wearing heels),i stepped on his foot. (: he surrendered.jasmine keeps losing her wallet,panic period.i still find rachel absolutely hilarious in chinese. =x nicole & abby cabbed down all the way to suntec to get a cake for imee.
yesterday was totally fun.
today.went out again at 8 to meet that bunch.jst reached home.funnnn!talking to weijia now.ayeeeee,hope you & her will end up jst fine alrighte.i'll pray for you.haha!^^
- you're still angry with me.im sorry.i do care,really.but it jst not the way you want it,& you know why.besides,i dont like smoking.you get my pt.
> cutting you off from my heart totally is like cutting off one my legs,not jst having it paralysed.but its for my own good,i have to,its useless for me to keep staying around you when you're so obviously in love with someone else.i have to get rid of the place you have in my heart.it'll be better this way in the long run.you've pressed my buttons enough,sometimes you press them continously in a frenzy,making me lose it,causing the cuts,the hurt repeatedly.the trouble is,how do i make a long run with only one leg?great.nice move,weiru.
you know what?if i could prove myself&reality wrng about everything,i'd be really,really happy.
/you.unspoken words.whats going on,really,between us.i dont like the feeling you're giving me,this....feeling that im unsure & cant make it out what it is.it scares me.you're pushing my buttons,unknowingly.
&I thought...Nevermind.
sometimes i can float there for thirty seconds,a minute or so.I can will myself that im jst a regular teenager whose biggest problem would only be how to sneak out at night.i can look at the sky outside & think,"good morning,sunshine!are we ready for another fabulous day?" BUT BUT BUT.reality always gets me in the end.before i can even wipe out the boogers out of my eyes,i start to remember.that's when the fairies start to take off.the minute they see my eye lids flicker,they start laughing like a bunch of punky eight year old brats and take off out the window.& all the good feelings they gave me get slowly squished by the lead&tar mixture of the very real mess that is my life.I sink under the weight of reality.& pretty soon,the bright colours of my dream fade to the dismal black & white of facts.
for one brief moment long time ago,i had everything i wanted.I let myself believe it was mine,that those stupid dreams had really come true.then,it all started to fall apart,slowly.
note to self : never fall for that trick again.
period.
i wish i didnt have buttons.i wish nobody could push my buttons the way they did,making me feel like everything i do is wrong & useless & mean.i wish that nothing would infuriate me,or make me insecure,or rattle my cage.It's my fault,though.If i hadnt gotten close enough to them to show them where my buttons were,they would have never been able to push them.I thought i was okay,not trusting anyone wholeheartedly with every single shit in my life.I thought i had taught myself not to wish for what i can't have.persoally,i think it was a pretty impressive feat for a kid that young to shut herself since very young.after a while,i didnt know what i was missing.being close to him felt like...home.something in the way we were together that was so easy.being with him,being his friend,filled something in me i didnt know was empty in the first place.& then him being my boyfriend had made that connection so much deeper.
It was a blessing & a curse.the blessing part is what i just said.the closeness,the comfort,the home.the curse part,oh,thats very bad.its once you've felt that comfort & it's taken away from you,all of a sudden you miss it -even though you never knew you wanted it before you had it.All these nerve ending flapping in the breeze,looking for the tooth that just fell out.But there's something bigger,something worse.Once someone has been that close to you,he's got too much on you.He knows how to hurt you,how to push those goddamn buttons.hell,he can even push them without realising a single thing.
i want to be calm,cool,buttonless.no way in,no way out,not even a zipper.the people i trusted,let them in.1,2,3...now a fourth one getting under my skin.Is he fucking worth it...thats the question.
okay.
end of story.
beginning of day.
rise & shine!
> maybe you're not what i think you are.maybe,you're jst another one of them,a self centered bastard.i'll be clearheaded this time round.no more hurting,playing games.cut it all out.
&I thought...Nevermind.
mm.so today's a saturday! had A maths in the morning less than 10 people showed up though -.- zzzz.went with cynthia to pw & wait for yennying.then go for tuition.ahhh. Amaths/physics.screw.mm.met up with the usuals for lunch.hilarious :D ahaa.then had A maths tuition with cynthia,vanessa,sophia,limpon & michelle.after tuition me & michelle waited for our parents.goodness michelle,you ramble nonstop -.- see you talk bout yul,shin & goong so much >.<>KAREN!sweet,cute girl.i havent seen you for such a long time.you rebonded your hair huh.haha.china doll with china chinese accent.(: your smile as sweet as usual.no wonder so many guys still jio-ing you huh.i saw you i was like,"omg,KAREN!!!!".gaaak.you're becoming prettier^^
past few day's papers were pure shit.english paper 1 was fine.paper 2 was a lil screwed.lol,antwarfare.geog was,(.....),i'll die if i can pass it.stupid mcqs.history was cool.ss was plain DUMB.dont talk about it.chinese paper 1 was, xD! haha.E maths.oh man.paper one,do until very happy,then thought,"oh,FINALLY i can pass.".hello.this type of thought doesnt come to me often okay.it hasnt came for 2 years!HOWEVER.paper 2 came.i flipped to the first page.scanned through the questions,& stumped there.flip flip.then close paper,& muttered one word."DIE.".breathe in breathe out.then started to do.i left more than half the stupid,evil,demoralising paper blank.yeah.all thoughts of passing immediately dissapeared.E maths = SCREWED.so let's see.E maths fail.geog comfirm fail.i think i'll screw A maths too.three subjects.not good dammit.fuck.
23,you suddenly brought it up.it hurts.i cant explain what im going through/feeling.but what you dont know,wont hurt you.& you'll nvr know.
you: im sorry.i jst dont see the "couple" thing happening.sorry,my heart is on a permanent long holiday somewhere.i dont think i can get it back anytime soon...or at least,this year.
to that group : <3333333,for everything.thanks!
symptoms showing.its turning blueish,black,purple.fuck.
>rain :D numbs me,letting me forget who i am.momentarily.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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