I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
sometimes i can float there for thirty seconds,a minute or so.I can will myself that im jst a regular teenager whose biggest problem would only be how to sneak out at night.i can look at the sky outside & think,"good morning,sunshine!are we ready for another fabulous day?" BUT BUT BUT.reality always gets me in the end.before i can even wipe out the boogers out of my eyes,i start to remember.that's when the fairies start to take off.the minute they see my eye lids flicker,they start laughing like a bunch of punky eight year old brats and take off out the window.& all the good feelings they gave me get slowly squished by the lead&tar mixture of the very real mess that is my life.I sink under the weight of reality.& pretty soon,the bright colours of my dream fade to the dismal black & white of facts.
for one brief moment long time ago,i had everything i wanted.I let myself believe it was mine,that those stupid dreams had really come true.then,it all started to fall apart,slowly.
note to self : never fall for that trick again.
period.
i wish i didnt have buttons.i wish nobody could push my buttons the way they did,making me feel like everything i do is wrong & useless & mean.i wish that nothing would infuriate me,or make me insecure,or rattle my cage.It's my fault,though.If i hadnt gotten close enough to them to show them where my buttons were,they would have never been able to push them.I thought i was okay,not trusting anyone wholeheartedly with every single shit in my life.I thought i had taught myself not to wish for what i can't have.persoally,i think it was a pretty impressive feat for a kid that young to shut herself since very young.after a while,i didnt know what i was missing.being close to him felt like...home.something in the way we were together that was so easy.being with him,being his friend,filled something in me i didnt know was empty in the first place.& then him being my boyfriend had made that connection so much deeper.
It was a blessing & a curse.the blessing part is what i just said.the closeness,the comfort,the home.the curse part,oh,thats very bad.its once you've felt that comfort & it's taken away from you,all of a sudden you miss it -even though you never knew you wanted it before you had it.All these nerve ending flapping in the breeze,looking for the tooth that just fell out.But there's something bigger,something worse.Once someone has been that close to you,he's got too much on you.He knows how to hurt you,how to push those goddamn buttons.hell,he can even push them without realising a single thing.
i want to be calm,cool,buttonless.no way in,no way out,not even a zipper.the people i trusted,let them in.1,2,3...now a fourth one getting under my skin.Is he fucking worth it...thats the question.
okay.
end of story.
beginning of day.
rise & shine!
> maybe you're not what i think you are.maybe,you're jst another one of them,a self centered bastard.i'll be clearheaded this time round.no more hurting,playing games.cut it all out.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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