&It feels like I've been running all my life.

I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.

...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.

im down with very high fever of 41 consistently,throat infection,since friday night.wanted to jst ren,&go for band performance,but well,im a loserrr,i couldnt even stand properly,wasnt even fully awake.haiiii.so had to cancel with rachel & ah gong on lunch.sorry!im coughing like shit,my throat's tearing apart,dammit.vomited blood on sunday morning,which made me go to A&E changi for checkup.yeah,almost got myself a long term place in the hospital rooms but haha,i got out of it :D so yeah.got mc for the rest of the week.but might be back in sch on thursday or friday. ( hopefully )

its like,so crystal clear.
people who really cares; & who pretends to,who cares for the sake of caring/doesnt care.
mmm.i guess i knew who were in which category for quite some time.yeaaah.so no disappointments here.kinda expected.Ha.but i did get a few surprises.(: hmm.thank you,to those people who sent me a msg to show that you care,though we're not uber close ;got me really surprised,a few of you.(:

> what's love for you?
> LA LA LA.
> HAHA,suckerrrrr.
> upcoming tests! =/

im not going to die laa,li feng.dumb! =x

&I thought...Nevermind.

forget about my previous post.

im ready to kill someone now,i swear.
fuck fuck fuck.
im so fucking fustrated,irritated,& mixed up.people are messing with my mind & yeah,i think im losing control of myself.

im really dont want my heart to keep aching like this just because of your on&off ignorance.you know why?cos when my heart starts to ache,i know it spells BIG TIME TROUBLE for me,dammit.i hate it when i fall into the Le'amour,love river,hard.HA.fucking bullshit,i always end up in great depression,unable to get over & stuff like that.& im starting to think since im so retarded & dumb in this kinda stuff,i should jst block it out.
but nooooo.its not sparing me,not even a lil bit.

i dont want to keep getting my hopes high & get them crashed again later on.
disappointments & doubts.
over,over,over & over again.

thanks,for making me like that. ( again. )
oh fuck,im getting EMO.ALL THIS STUPID EMO DEPRESSION SWEARINGS & SHIT.IM SICK & TIRED OF ALL THIS & I NEED TO TALK TO MY BEST FRIEND BADLY,BUT YEAH.I CAN'T COS SHE'S BUSY.great.now im acting like a small petty whining child,
like her mum wouldnt buy her a lollipop.& that she's kicking up a fuss for nothing.perfect.

&I thought...Nevermind.

im backkkk.blogging.yeahh.

school has been perfectly hell tiring,but...not as bad as i imagined it to turn out.thank goodness :] i managed to finish all the hols hmk before the respective lessons,so yahhh.im off the hook. ( for now. ) however,i really missed school.haha.seeing friends & everything else.im going to mug very very hard this time.

mm.im one contented happy lil girl :D since ytd.mm.i told li feng the truth already.haha,he's like OMFG.OMG OMG OMG.WTH.haha.his typical lil boy "WTF,YOU MUST BE KIDDIN ME" reaction.after sch ytd,geog remedial was cancelled.(: then changxu asked me help him with his sec 2 ipw pp,so i jst helped out.aiyahhh,you ah.you think too much,& yeah,im surprised you figured everything yourself,smart one :] but you're trustable...soo...shrugs.its fine.thanks for the silent understanding.(: mm.then ah gong msged to say he was in school already,and yeah,he busied himself with the ncc sea stuff while me & rachel waited for him & naiyu from 4.30 until 6.45(??) -.- rachel and i talked alot of random/gossip stuff.haha.& that girl ponned sch today =/ so yeah,they took bus with me to parkway as i had tuition at mavis and ah gong suaned rachel until there's no end of it.haha.wild boar & small girl.tsk.zzzz' so yup.havent seen the both of them for so long,its great to see them,finally. : D oooh.someone walked past me while we were at the bustop. (........)sigh,he was ignoring me on purpose seeing ah gong there & yeah,i had to call him to say BYE first.wth.

today was generally good.slept like what,3 hours ytd night due to the fact i had to rush a bunch of sch work,like english essay & stuff.didnt feel very well in the morning,skipped past P.E.i swear,li feng's two sec one god sisters are soooooo cute. =x awhh.talked to them during my P.E as they were having recess so yeah,sorted a few things out.things are....generally okay now. : D more than okay actually.all the tension,CLEARED.woohoooo.i knewwww it.so after sch waited for them to finish their lunch and all be guaiiiii & go home.but kailun & ziwen had maths remedial.li feng at band.& the rest were different routes from us.so left with me & yangxu who simply didnt want to wait for ziwen & kailun to finish.cos i was dropping dead any time & needed to crash home to bed,yangxu needed too.so we left without notifiying them!( heh. ) we talked alot about taiwan,(where its OUR home. : D ),& alot of random stuff.he still seems like a lil kid to me,regardless of his scary height.haha.

oh,did i mention junjie can write super good rubbish chinese compos?they get very high marks from ah ber okay,& its actually jst his usual crap -.- & linyi,DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO WRITE CHINESE COMPOS.claim yourself to be taiwanese.grrrrrrrr.
btw,how do i chiong read finish a book,& come out 6 different ideas for literature essays by saturday? its pratically suicidal.li feng,you're trying to let the whole world know ah.dumbbbb! =x

> my love for you was blind.
> wtf,why are you such a bitch?
> never thought i'd feel this way,never thought we'd be here.
> & i couldnt make you see it.
> can't you hear my heart beat fast,i want this to last.
> no more conflicts,disappointments & doubts.
> i can't describe this feeling.
> stop being stupid,& get out of the past ONCE & FOR ALL.
> its' 29 today. o.0 mm.1 year 10 months passed.cool.(:
> at last i knew and for the first time,i understood.
> to meet,to know,to love and to part -that's the saddest tale of the human heart.

one,its like a dream come true.
two,just want to be with you.

you've done it.i've seen the proof,more real than anything.thank you. :]
- ...cos i believe in you.
one thing,why the hell do i keep getting mixed up with ncc people?only that its not sea again this time lah.but still,wth?!!
crossroads.its a matter of choice & following my heart,not giving a fucking damn what other people may think or see me as.

He waved his hand saying,"See you!" but i knew he meant "Goodbye."

HAIYAH.NO MORE OF THIS BLOODY EMO LIKE HELL SHIT.
OUTTTTTTT.

&I thought...Nevermind.

received a msg to watch "king & the clown" this morning,so skipped out at 11 to the new marina sq to watch it.cried at the ending,its so touching.lee joon ki,awwwwh.(: then walked around abit,jst reached home not long.

well,surprise surprise.i broke down again ytd night.a major big one.things jst went blank.i have to say thanks to ah gong alot,for listening.im sorry for the state i was in,i wasnt in the right mind,i was rambling alot of stuff.sorry.still,you're appreciated.(: thank you.im alot better now,more...stable,clear,i guess.

(ntellchea) ,shit.i cant believe how you could do this to her.she treated you with nothing but real sisterbond.that whole group,you all too.why side with the bad person?she used to be such a strong,happy minded girl.very bubbly.i WATCHED her,dammit.WATCHED her,as she slowly crumbled inside,weak.she cried.i didnt know you had the habit of stealing people's boyfriends.im not telling any of you anything bout her.thats her life,her business.not yours.she's completely fine now,better than okay.she doesnt need friends like you all,expecially you.so fuck off.

gerry! please please please come back to work with us for the next AVA production. : D
(& dont tap my head anymore.)

> bounce baby,out the doooorrr!
> slipped on the cold,"jst ignore" facade.
> in the process of illusioning.
> wake up,this is the world.reality bites.HA.
> i'd lost any feeling i felt ytd.blank now.

&I thought...Nevermind.

jst came home about 7 plus after being out since morning at dance class.went kbox last night & hell,it was fun (: headed to the usual place about 4 plus,& we all jst slept through like drunkards till 1 in the afternoon.most of them were still sleeping like dead pigs,so i left first,with ming yi ( the only one who wasnt still sleeping -.- ).thank you so much :] for the silent company,for jst being beside me to see if im okay.jonathan,thank you for the advice.& sorry,for the past few months,the unintentional ignorance.you're over her,finally.im glad for you.(:

memories rushed back.i see the flashes of places we've ever been.& ouch,its hurting alot.but no,im not going to jst scream & breakdown like some lost lil kid who cant find her mum in the crowd.ha,im jst going to be strong & walk through all of this.one more month,a year.surprising how time jst flies by.but i'll be fine,someday,somehow.& i'll throw you a big smile when im done. : DDD

>you know what?im actually counting down hours to your return,unknowingly.oh,what does that mean.

&I thought...Nevermind.

in a friend's house now.going kbox with some other friends later.(: ahh,internet.

mm.im one big happy girl today :D firstly,i finally went for dance class in the early morning with teng & laine after so long.combat dances hurt my arms. =/ cher michael saw me & was like,"ahhhhs.so you're finally back after a what,self proclaimed 1 month plus break?you're not coming consistently anymore,im sad.",& pulled that sad face.LOL.teng might stop coming altogether thanks to O levels.awww.its okay,come back after O's! (:

saw ah gong today after AGES.since...april.ouch,i miss him so much :] (haha,if you're reading this,start crying. =x ) oooh,im extra happy cos he said he thinks i grew TALLER.yeahhhh,babey!bwahahaa.we walked around TM & jst like,chatted.poor guy mugging for JC midyears.happy studying alrighte! (: it'l be all overrrrr,really soon.no Fs okay!i believe in you. :D

HAPPY 15TH BIRTHDAY NICOLE & ZACKARY! :DDDDD
headed for the barbeque party of theirs after meeting ahgong at TM.i wasnt the latest!nicole shaked my hand & said i was early,congrats.oh,WOW -.- there were a variety of people.it was..GREAT FUN.throwing sand,brutal handling of chickens,washing hands in self made basins in the sand,cake throwing DISASTER,milkshakes,over fried food & many many many more.haha.zackary,shhhhhh!stop suaning/teasing me =/ its better for you not to say anymore,soooooo.....(: but i trust you,heh.ooh yes,i owe you a present.monday!i miss the 2As.nicole,its the first time i see you let your hair down =x hope you like your present okay,im not sure if you would,but...im jst hoping(: thanks for the friendship since sec 1,& all the times you've actually been there/cared for me. <33333 left there bout 10 plus & here i am now.the barbeque really really lightened up my mood alot,some bad atmosphere was cleared & now everything's all fine.life is getting back onto track,i guess.oh,boon's brother is funny,made me laugh alot.haha.

> ...i wont say that im in love.
>this is undeniable.oh,great.

&I thought...Nevermind.

so i went out with phy,alicia& pris today to plaza sing.was going to catch the movie RV,but nahhh,we watched "Just my luck" instead.i swear,its a damn cute movie.(: hee.nice.oooh,the korean movie,"the king & the clown" is COMING OUT :D haha!lee joon ki is soooooo cute =x oh,spiderman 3 & chronicles of narnia 2,pirates of carribean 2,harry potter (5) are all coming out in good time.omg omg.movie spree!

we talked/gossiped alot along the way & had a feast in the cinema.lemon teas,cotton candy,peanuts,gummies& cup corn! i bought a jacket for phy,as she was so cold,&she went,"omg,weiru,im so touched,i swear!" LOL.then we headed over to pw to walk abit as phy & alicia had smth around there.pris had to go home first =/ so i walked around pw,all of a sudden it seems unfamiliar to me already.met vera &yiguan at chameleon.yiguan looked surprised &we talked a bit.heh.then headed over for dinner with the china people at ECP,last minute thing.&SOMEONE,a certain AH GONG cancelled on me today for dinner huh.( haha,i know you'd read this so...BOO =x . ) oh well,nvm bah.we'll meet up some other time.(: ( hopefully ).haiii.i've got plenty of things coming up.shit,im wondering how to get them done.

> no one knows how much im hurting inside,breaking down bit by bit.that flaw ruined my whole life,im a dead person.i had to give up on the things i cared about,the only thing that kept me alive,left my soul pure,even for a bit.i dont want to imagine the future or what else may happen.im wondering if i'l become like what technically,i will be.i swear,i can jst,throw away my life any moment when i cant be strong any more.there's a limit to how much i can withstand,the pressure & everything else.i look at it,i cry.i hated myself,wishing it wasnt this way.i asked myself why,but no answer.maybe im no superhuman who can keep on holding on,putting on the facades &optimism for the sake of everyone.i need someone to be there for me,to catch me when i fall,someone i can trust to be there whenever i need,someone who will always be by my side helping,supporting me.i used to have someone like that,but i lost him.it feels so alone like this.fuck,my mind's messing with me.
jst scream,cry out in despair.let me breathe,please.

> i've got the urge to jst hug you,&cry loudly in your arms.to forget everything & feel secure even if its jst a second,to jst see you again.but i know,its not possible,anymore.not even in my dreams.

&I thought...Nevermind.

yeah,im back.
which means,i gotta chiong alot of hw.great.
met the remaining people of the china grp in sg right now jst not long ago.jst walked & talked around ECP.

im feeling so fucked up,so wrecked,RUINED.i want to SCREAM,SCREAM,SCREAM,hurl things,hurt myself,hit myself till i bleed & die,cut off all my damned fingers,kick the piano,crash it.

> shit.also.i lost the two earrings he'd made for me on V'day.i jst cant seem to find it.fuck fuck fuck.wth.i could kill myself.im so pissed,beyond sanity.

-PROOF,NOT PROMISES.how are YOU any different.tell me.

&I thought...Nevermind.

finally back after four days of being stuck in that damned place.
the hotel room now feels like heaven.

im feeling like shit.i swear i can jst go mad & kill myself anytime.fuck,im getting insane,im out of my mind totally.
why is that no one give a damn bout my existence?
why is it that no one CARES/BOTHERS ever,bout how im feeling.
WHY the fuck is it that i dont matter at all?
why doesnt anyone actually worry bout me.
& lastly,why am i like,thrown away?like an old rubbish,dirt.fuck fuck fuck.

im tired of living my life like this.
right now,im feeling like a broken doll.
someone who lost everything,jst due to a small flaw.
someone who's future is totally,DESTROYED due to THAT small flaw.
& now im jst worthless.tossed away cus of that flaw,like rubbish,like a mere DIRT being flicked off.

to anyone who CARES that im ALIVE,im going back to sg on the 16th.its the earliest plane flight i can find for me.should be arriving in the late afternoon (sg time).yes,im COMING BACK.to those who hate me,start cursing why im not staying in vienna & start wishing i would die on the way back.for those who care,well,yupp!i'll be back : D i have to,now,under these circumstances.im missing some people badly,so yeah,i'll be seeing a few of you really soonnn! i have to come back.oh,nicole,i'll be back in time for your b'day afterall(: & for fii you all,the 17th date. ^^ Vienna has been the greatest,the best thing happened to me.i swear,i'll be missing it loads.but there's no pt in me staying here anymore.soooo....yup,im back to being a regular studying normal subjects student.ha ha.

good bye,vienna/austria.
good bye grand hilton hotel. (:
good bye all the vienna food.
good bye to all the museums & schools.
sigh.

THANKS,elaine & ali for helping me alot here,following me all the way from italy where there,it was winter & here summer.all the temp changes,the different directions.thanks for everything yupp.elaine,rmbr what i said.take care alrighte,dont worry. <33333 i'll try to come over to italy whenever i can okay.

> i swear,i will let go of him & everything else.i have to,HAVE TO.

&I thought...Nevermind.

all of a sudden,i miss my best friend back in singapore alot.had a very skimpy convo with her jst now,talking bout randon stuff,bout her handover camp tmr & NZ trip.she's always so busy w/ stuff.she went offline,i jst stared at the convo.the sudden nostalgia.there's so many things i want to tell her,to let it out my heart & stuff.to jst,ramble out everything in my mind to her & cry out...but it then struck me,we're pratically in two different worlds already.in contrast,she & i lead totally different lives.we've drifted apart so much,that its scaring me.it surprises me how much i actually need her to be there for me,but i know,its not possible.i dont know why im feeling so alone.so...broken up.haha.okay,nvm.there's something very wrng with me this morning.(its morning here laa.)haiiii.i dont know why i feel that way these few days.& now im feeling bad cos i got ziwen into trouble & im not going to make it for nicole's birthday at all.great,im such an oh-so-nice friend.so,shoot me.

i've came to a decision,or rather,my heart made it.
the choice feels depressing,knowing the things,life& people i'll be leaving behind,yet somehow,a sort of calmness overcame me along with it,knowing the future that its holding here.
oh well,i have the rest of my so called summer hols to change my mind.

mm.gotta leave soon.for munich : D
why are my stuff like,strewn all over the place ah? -.-
zzzzzzz

&I thought...Nevermind.

changed my skin.
not fully done though.will add in a tagboard when im free.
yawn.jst woke up not long ago.
gonna rush out really soon.
the NZ people are back in sing.
great :D
vienna's been great so far.but im only halfway through.

i tell you,feelingless,is a genetic mutation,i swear i could really get behind.
im breaking down inside,but still keeping the facade up on the outside.
im so afraid i cant take it.
im so afraid of many things.
im shaking,inside.
ces'pathetique lil girl.
ha.ha.ha.HA.

-it's always been bout you.but things will change.it has to,right?
i've got to get on,with MY LIFE,dammit.
mind,soul,heart,brain,PLEASE HURRY UP & GET THE FUCKING MESSAGE.thank you very much.

>tired tired tired!
>ahhh,lavender(:
>im wondering if i'll actually ever go back.people will be happier im gone,anyways.
>all the things left undiscovered.
>...but you're only almost here.

&I thought...Nevermind.

4 art museums.
10 music/art schools.
snow snow snow.
mountains.
fresh smelling air.
lavender fields!
frosted lakes.
pasta,salad,& more pasta!

i tell you,i swear,its perfect.beautiful.serene.peace.quiet.
okay,so it isnt my ideal place for shopping & stuff.
but its a great place to find your soul back,to find yourself inside,truely who you are.
which is exactly what i need. (right now.)

branded branded branded.
prada,chanel,dior,coach,tiffany&co.,gucci...etc.
everything,you name it.
it's called class.

i think i'll be fine here.
things will tone down for me.
great,isnt it?
if so,why am i not feeling happy?dammit.

&I thought...Nevermind.

broke down.
keep on crying,screaming,scratching everything,throwing,lashing out.
cant stop attempting suicide.
laugh people.LAUGH.
im in one big mess of shit.
i cant achieve anything,ANYTHING like this.
what the hell am i now.
why am i so binded by the past.
WHY CANT I JST FORGET & LET HIM GO ONCE & FOR ALL.
why does him & EVERY PIECE OF THE FREAKING PAST KEEP HAUNTING ME EVERY SECOND.

im tired.do you hear me,God?im TIRED.
of all the stupid tryings to get on with life,pretence,all of it.
if you enjoy toturing me,i suggest jst let me kill mysellf,cut myself clean once & for all.
fuck fuck FUCK.
im losing my sanity.
i swear,i cant/not feel anything.
oh,fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.

&I thought...Nevermind.

okay.i jst reached not very long ago.its supposed to be erm....11 sing's time now?& here's like...oh,still bright!but its cold.I hear vienna is SNOWING.omg omg.i will freeze to death,i swear.mm.italy is...artistic : D i kinda like it.except for the "wth" foreign italian language i cant comprehend.great.is grazie an italian word?ah,hell.

mm.i havent seen ali for quite some time.thank goodness for him,he's like my translator.heh heh.moving on to vienna pretty soon.i dont know how we're gonna get there though,sounds still a far way from here.mm,saw Elaine today after like what,so many years?ouch,its been since pri 4-5.she's like,one super class italian lady.you see,this italian-ish in here,(she's looking very italian with dark long wavy hair & dark eyes with a serious pretty face),tall, & not to mention,style,class.i almost couldnt recognise her.i mean like,hello?im already sec 3 now.we havent seen each other for fucking long.she couldnt recognise me,i couldnt either!first thing we saw each other,we jst smiled...like,we know the past is behind us,everything is over& all's forgiven.we had a good hug.& NOW SHE'S TALKING TO ME IN ENGLISH. ( with the italian accent -.- omg.) you know what,here,everything looks/sounds so foreign to me.ali & elaine are the only ones actually still able to speak languages I UNDERSTAND. phew.(: elaine has the italian woman fiery temper in her. -.- i jst realized that.she's like,scolding ali in a stream of rapid italian & i swear i can see fire in her eyes.scary.i jst stay out of the way & contd my blogging.

23,i read your blog.lol,it wasnt meant to be dramatic.to say the truth,i didnt wish to see you,for fear of emotions running high within me & .....well,you know.im very sorry for that.anyway,you wont need me,you should know that.you'll forget me eventually soon.im jst....your xmm (: you have many other xmm's to care for & nag after lah,im jst one less off your load.haha.mm.if i actually jst contd staying in vienna,then..well.i guess,in a few months time,i would probally have totally disappeared from the face of your earth & with a long time,i would get over everything. ( i hope! )

you,i'll be seeing you in a few days although i have absolutely no idea why the hell are you coming to find me all the way from guangdong -.- you retard! but oh well,i could use some company(: im not sure about anything so dont ask lerh,alrighte.give me proof,not promises.i jst dont believe in it anymore.

I TELL YOU,I JST FOUND OUT SMTH.italian people are very warm : D as in,they make you feel...homey! ahaaaa.unlike singaporeans. =x jst drank plenty of wine.no,im not drunk,dammit.

> oh,cos im superrrhuman me!

&I thought...Nevermind.

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