I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
firstly,im am sorry for whatsoever vulgarities i am going to start spouting in this post or whatever.i will try to keep it down,& yes again,im sorry.exp to ah gong whom i know will definitely reprimand me in some way or another.yet again,sorry.
well well.let's see.i shall jst go straight to the point.i dont see why you have to lie,why you had to keep it from me.fuck,it hurt twice as much,knowing you didnt trust me enough to tell me,to at least have the decency to let me know.all those times,well i shall wash it away from my memory.im very very very tired.trusting in love is a liability i can really no longer afford.been crying alot lately as usual,my cycle of depression has come back once more.please dont assume im very intoxicated into playing happy.what,you think i playing that role great?hello,im doing it for your sake,for that GIRL'S sake.that day when i saw her.i decided i didnt have any right to be angry.to changxu you all,okay fine.i dont blame you all for not asking me that day cos you all had known that girl was going to be there.but well,fate has its ways and we bumped into each other & i saw her.even if not,alex would have told me.so yeah anyway.there's nothing for me to be angry about.why?cos she by far outshines me.i cant deny that fact.its hard for me.im jst trying to make you live/feel better,by not showing by tantrums,my moodiness,my tears and everything.but all i hope in return,is a little sensitivity and understanding.but no,you jst had to be like that,rubbing things in ignorantly.i understand guys are pretty insensitive,but still,i cant take your ignorance.i have been really strong this time round.im even glad to say,maybe this time,the love ain't that deep.cos of july 23,i dont have the energy,feelings or trust to love anyone truely anymore or as deep as i ever did for him.so im glad i didnt fall that deep for you.but the sucky thing is,i fell deep enough to be absolutely mired in glue and that i cant move on now.although i know i will move on in considerable time,i ain't going to be able to pretend the superwoman image much longer.bit by bit im crashing down,tearing bit by bit.i've used up all the energy & strength i have,to make this last bit of effort of holding on through for you.so yup,i shall try my very best to not break down for the time being,once again,i thank all those who has been by me this past few weeks.alex,junjie,irish,teng,imee,abygail,michelle aw,jasmine....etc.very special thanks to lifeng,chang xu & lin an for every single thing & sorry that i made you guys so worried that day when i really blasted off.to you,i am fucking tired,and i will fucking give up on you.so dont think i cant.you are jst an arrogant asshole.bastard. ( okay maybe not,but it makes me feel better calling you that. )
im done HALFWAY,but i dont want to blog anymore details about my feelings & the events.ah gong,be proud of me,i have kept the vulgarities to a really low standard.
HAIYAH.cts.cts.cts,in two weeks.omg omg omg.panic period?hmm.alrighte,i shal start PIA-ING for CT'S which commences in two weeks time.i would like to thank michelle here for comforting me & giving me a bear hug ytd during/after tuition when mr ng started to mention that i reminded him of a student called......and he continued some stuff about him.you noticed my face immediately change and gave mr ng that silent 'NO NO' cross sign.lol.how cute of you.still,thank you.mr ng,its not your fault.(: no worries,im fine.jst that,i realized.a mere mention or any hint of the past,or him,would trick up that hurt in me,that pain i had gone through,which is now numbed & buried somewhere inside me for the time being.only.im jst running away from the pain,but no doubt,it will be back soon.i know.all those past few months of pain,was jst a part of it being unleashed.the pain is still throbbing within me,on the go,& one day,when it fully unleashes,it would probally kill and take my life away.but i managed to buy 2 months of time,and in this 2 months,i have got myself prepared for the pain that july 23 inside me was about to unleash.
enough of all this ranting & emo stuff.i am going drinking at ZOUK tonight,dont bother me.
love love love,people.
> always treasure what you have now.nvr look back & regret cos its all gone already & would nvr come back.
&I thought...Nevermind.
> there's alot of drama going around.
> jasmine,i love you alot alrighte,always here for you : D
> S 11(:
> omg,gilbert is world renowned john woo's disciple.
> doesnt that make me john woo's grand disciple?!! LOL.
> haha.john woo & his doves/pigeons scenes -.- well well.student like teacher.
> s 11 was wayy cool.it was m18.
> IMEE WAS SO GLAM that i am still very UNUSED to it.ROFL.
> i liked the story linkage,very good.
> the girl is.so.pretty! ahhh.
> nerd to wild play girl.HMMM.
> middle fingers.lol.
> " this is my fucking life.im an ordinary human who goes to this fucking 12 hour job & whole day do nothing but fucking cut vegetables and you get fucking shitted by your boss,& if you're unlucking you get fucked by the customers as well,and if i had any fucking balls i would have fucking gave him a slap and ........." to be continued. ( sorry its super vulgar,but its one of the dialogue from the passage.count the number of f words.its hilarious when you hear it,me & imee were staring at the screen. )
> haha,hokkien vulgarities sound funny.
> suitcase -.-
> the difference between ordinary human & heroes is the humans dream while heroes dream & LIVE IT(:
> what is yours will be yours,what is not,will NEVER BE YOURS.
> "WRONG.the morale is,there's nothing worse on the earth than eating shit."
"...im s-so-sorry,but how does shit taste like??" very very DIAO.
> pretty pretty necklace.
> ahh,im going on a huge shopping spree after exams.watch me : D
> gilbert looks like a monkey =x
> DORAEMON AH PEI ROBBER. ROFL.
> da xiong is doraemon's best friend -.-
> red fur dog.LOL.
> b cos of youuuu~
> well,two can play this ignoring game,lets see who wins.
> the same secure feeling.
> i fucking give up on you.
> lies lies & nothing more.
> i thank lin an for everything and all the time he has spent to be there for me.
> i thank lifeng alot for always listening to me and cheer me up with his big innocent eyes & making me laugh with his childlike innocence. (he is so kiddy cute =x) best xiaodi & da jie always,alrighte.love love love.
> awh alex,dont cry,i promise i wont use lin an as your dai ti ping anymore! LOL.
> nope alex,you're not a clown,you're my private entertainer.
> nicole,i thank you for helping me realise things & all those short talks.
> whats going on btwn the two of them.EWWWW. o.0
> i dont think i can tolerate much longer.
> i think i've been the nicest to you in the grp.im sure i showed you nothing but kindess but behind my back you still went on your old ways.i shouldnt have trusted you to be grateful or to be trusted,bitch.
> i shall jst REN for all i can.
> rachel! yep,your 'SOON' was in fact,rather soon after all.okay lah,i shall give you credit,cute one.
> haha tinghui.i agree.her famous last words -.-
> some sec 2 girls are very....despo -.- oh my gawdddd.sick.
> i cried today.
> karen,thanks to listening to me.& praying with me.(:
> condition from bad to worse...fuck.
> what matters is the present,the past is long gone & will nvr come back.the future...isnt here.yet.
> stupid darence,what suspended.im saying FACTS.
> i love mildred yap now.amazing huh.
> LAKEHOUSE,CLICK & LADY IN THE WATER.must watch(es)!
> well well.here comes all the tears & cycle of depression.again.
okay,yup updated quite a bit.anywayyy.I MISS BRIAN & SUNNY SO MUCH LAH CAN. =/ awhh.i always stop & think,without their help over this past one year,this very rough patch in the midst of everything hapening,july 23 & all those other stuff,what would i have became.without them,what would have happened to me.i am so thankful for all the time,help they sacrificed for me,like real brothers.i love you guys. <3333 cant wait for monday! (: take care alrighte.
contacted gerry gan today too : D we had quite a talk & stuff.meeting up with him after common tests.his treat(: imee,you in?gerry says he misses us.awhh,so sweet right.i miss gerry so much too.i honestly hope that he would come back & help us out in all those filming good times again,& we have so much fun with all those stuff,but yeah,cant be helped,he cant.so....sigh.but oh well,keep in touch. : D i dont care,you HAVE to come back for our camp,miswan,taufiq are all leaving,HOW CAN YOU NOT BE ARND HUH.oh,& NO MORE ACCIDENTS OKAY.you & mortocycles & hospitals.tsk tsk tsk.everynow & then talk to you always in hospital.break toe,fracture hand...etc dunno what. -.-
i miss my AH GONG GOH WEIJIA ALOT AS WELL.to him,sometimes i kept thinking how i would have became too,if without his help since sec 1 august.ever since knowing him,we jst really clicked and he nvr failed to help me in anything.always listen to me cry cry cry like dunno how many times,talk to me with those very zai stuff.haha.(: then sadly,things jst happen and we end up here.but we had our experiences & we learnt from it,stronger too.i really really am very grateful to you,for the huge impact you made on my life,the huge change & everything.no matter what im feeling or what,i still love you all the same cos you're my AH GONG : D thank you,for all the times.memories are a part of the past.but we had our sweetness & biterness yeah.thank you thank you thank you for changing me so much,guiding me along,never ever stop believing or giving up in me when everything was so bleak.
ookay.smth's wrng with me,sorry lah! but wellllll.yeah yeah,im sure you'll go a long way & survive,bitch.ha.go on & try to get your sympathy votes.i'll jst sit back here & get entertained by your pathetic hilarious acts.i dont mind. ^^ sorry if im mean,but you're so much meaner.abby,nicole,imee.love love loveeee.thank you for everything,the three of it.yeah imee,you know it always becomes like thattttt~ lol.
OUTTTTT.(:
&I thought...Nevermind.
> sometimes,it takes a tragedy for the truth to come out.
> im through with letting you get to me.
> NO,im through with shedding tears.
> you jst punctured another huge gaping hole in my way too tattered life.
> ...not again.
> fuck,why was i sabo-ed to sit beside him in the cinema.
> bloody awkward,fuck.
> everytime i try to fly,i fall w/o my wings.
> combine this post & the previous.this is my second post today.
> bu de bu aiiiii~
> mr. Q.
> looking at this photograph.
> & i opened the box of memories today...
> jst walk away!
> are you friend or foe?
> go get a life of your own.
> love love love.
> its been a year.
> time flies quickly.
> well well.im crumbling down,expected.
> you dont have to lie anymore,i already know LAH.
> you stupid people all kept it really well from me,nice one.
> i wont give a damn.
> yup changxu,thanks.
> keep it up,weiru.BE STRONG,DAMMIT.
> nah,im not pissed.
> im jst....hai.forget it.
> july 23,11.45 pm.
after all that's happened,a couple of truths have bcome abundantly clear : trusting in love is a liability i can no longer afford.not now,not ever.trust,period,is becoming a liability.morbid thought yeah,but hey,might as well be honest.
normally,i'd be waxing philosophical right now,going off on some tangent about my childhood or some ephiany i had at a place which somehow seems a metaphor for my tragic life.but really,i'd jst be stalling.mentally stalling.letting my mind get clouded up with dime-store self analysis,self pity & a bunch of half baked theories instead of using all that mental energy in a constructive way.nothing.nothing but sulking,pitying,hypothesizing & speculating which are all a bunch of euphemihs for nothing.maybe its time to give 2 years & half of absolute pessimism a well earned rest.
until now,i've jst been too afraid to afraid what i've always known.i will never win him back.he is never going to turn back/love me again.never.i realize now that i have been holding on for so long.absolutely mired in glue.& now,with my fears cast aside,i am ready to let go.now,its time to wipe the slate clean.but first,i must destroy the old-rid myself of the glue.
let's face it,i never understand anything when it happens to me.I never understand all those sadomasochistic stuff i do to myself.but now i stop,think & look back.then i wonder how anyone in their right mind could have missed it.
& its amazing how stupid you can be when you want smth really bad.take me,thinking i could have happiness for longer than a minute.who was i kidding?! myself.i was kidding myself.cos when all this happiness stuff began,i truly believed i could hold on to it,long term.but i guess anything long term is jst not built onto my life plan.period.
&I thought...Nevermind.
today is july 23.hmmm.ah well.went to bugis to watch macho libre and yeah,kinda jst reached home since i went over to pw too to walk.alex offered to acc me but i was like,im fine w/ it,thanks.you're right.there's no pt in holding on to anything anymore,its been so long.but somehow i know,im hurting cos i still feel for you,somewhere inside me.no matter what,a part of me knows that you will always affect me no matter what.
HAIYAH.i shall blog later in the afternoon/evening okay.very messed up now.seeeee y'all.
&I thought...Nevermind.
> kinda dumb huh.
> hospital time.
> meng mei yi qiu de wen rou.
> our last summer,pri sch girls. <3333
> one last kiss.
> never thought it'll end this way.
> i've been strong.really strong.
> you're jst like that,granted.
> i guess i shouldnt be hurt or anything,right.
> lao shi,QING ni bi zui.see,im SO POLITE as well,aren't i? fuck lah.
> mildred yap is very cruel & she realy shouldnt have done that today.very very error of her and its so inhuman.she pms lah.bloody hell.she's doesnt have a thought for other's feelings.besides,what buisness was that of hers?!! very funny eh.
> shut up,stop asking.
> how heavy are army boots ah.?
> ZOUK is still the best(:
> she slappd her boyfriend.HAII.she & her slapping habits.
> fever heating up.
> delirious.
> a lie to live.
> yeah,you're right.the two of us shall smile together our way through each other/through life huh.HA.
> pretence.
> you could get an oscar award for this act.
> FINALLY.
> hey yehan.sorry we havent talked for long but HAIYAH.we're all past that now.
> & you're still as lame as ever,yehan -.-
> nicole.yep,no relationships for meeeee.
> haiii.stupid flirt,hurting people.
> girl,be strong.i know you can.if if gets too bad,get the tagboard off.its better not to know alot of stuff cos the hurt would be less.so yeah,smile more.im always here for you. <3333
> changxu,i'll hold to the end of our deal : D
> lifeng,thanks for always being so sensitive and to listen to me.many many thanks.
> haha melson,i da pai what,can get two sec ones to get my stack of books,cannot ah!(:
> alex,im not superwoman.senseless -.-
> love for your dreams.
> i was watching you from afar.
> & they both cried in the toilet.kinda mean,but YEAH!
> rachel,you're still as blur as ever.haha,cute one.(:
> she went..."HER?!!?!",pointing at me from the other end of the canteen where the two of them were,in incredulous horror & shock.ROFL.im supposed to be pissed,but looking at her face,it is far too darn funny to be pissed.exp when it was b cos her best friend was telling her about how i helped her ( her best friend. ) LOL.how convenient eh.the girl who loathes me,her best friend is kinda indebted & friendly with me.HAHA.
> fuck,why the hell am i thinking of you again.
> OH PLEASE.let me pass my geog.FOR ONCE.
> i shall get ready to be killed my ms puja soon.
> 127 days keeps replaying in my head.
> thank you,jasmine.oh & i might as well sell my whole phone to you lah.you & worms whole day.anyway,ignore her,she's jst pmsing.cheer up(:
> whats with "elle oh elle" ah,abby? o.0
> im sorry,i didnt catch that?
> i wish you'd have realised it ealier & told me before feelings rooted.
> tell me that its over.
> my tears are turning into time.
> wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye.
> EH,KID.whre's my harry potter book?hen jiu lerh worh.
> you're right changxu.why do we love even when we know it hurts?
> COS we cant control it,when love jst comes.sacrifices,waiting & all those stupid foolish stuff happens.
> still sick.
> facade of smiles.
> july 23 approaching.hmm.oh,I'VE GOT A DATE ON THAT DAY.HAHA.I AM HONOURED. : D
> the power of love.
> you won't get to see the tears i cryyy!
> alex,why the hell are you so free,after sleeping a super long nap,& now still baking CHOC CAKE?!! -.-
> & i go on being stronger,pretending.
> saturday,golden run & PIRATES AFTER THAT. (: eh wait,then pool? =/
> OH YESSSSS.finally,i get my debts back.(:
> I SWEAR to get a new geog wb at first basis.
> yanting & mr ng's catchphrase. " YOU ARE SO GL." LOL. mr ng started it.and dont ask me whats gl,go figure.haha.(:
> me & jingyi : "eh mr ng,can dont read the chinis passage already?why your chinese so lan one. :[ " LOL.
> ....LALA.
> i do care bout you all! =/
> well,im not in the mood for anything like this now.im sorry,but i have to say,thanks for all the help given.& th shoulder.you're deeply appreciated.<3333
many things have happened & changed drastically these few days/week.but then,again.im jst one lil emo girl so ignore whatever im talking about.im jst being irritatingly random,and talking to myself.
well well well.so its all over.pahh,jst like that.i guess somehow i saw it coming.i knew it when you lied,it was jst so clear to me.we're both using that super sacrastic acting and to others,we seem like best buddies,if not,still the same.to you,its natural.have you ever thought of wondered how i've been handling and struggling to pretend on,to not break down or cry.its like,i jst see you and auto on that super big smile & start the usual lame stuff.its tiring to pretend,but im jst one stupid girl,who is happy as long as you're happy.so...as long as you're okayyy,it doesnt matter how much im hurting or how tired i am.doesnt matter to me,at all.i shall seriously not care anymore.i wont bother to know any more stuff.HAIYAH.i give up,totally.forget about it,go on,be yourself,be happy with whoever she is,i shall be supporting you all the way and be there beside you if you need anything.its jst that simple.from now on,let\s forget the whole past & whatever ever happened between us.its useless.things gone,wont come back anymore.
lifeng,you are so sensitive and can tell every reason behind each action i make and knows smth is wrng as long as i do smth. -.- haha.but its like,i dont have to say & you know it.& you're the only one who has not blabbed anything,trustable.you're my best lil brother. : D
&I thought...Nevermind.
> okay,im sorry im kinda high lah.
> you ain't him.
> sour feelings take over.
> we talked last night and you stopped replying,23.
> i guess i shall start to accept the fact that you will always affect me in someway or another.
> sigh,all the hurt.
> & now you.you made me wait in katong for like 2 hours plus.
> you are bloody so not worth it,not worth the wait.
> you lied to me,fuck you.
> LIAR,you were seen.
> i truely give up.
> you & your stupid excuses,dont bother.anymore,really.
> shall...try to block you out of my mind.
> please dont do this to me anymore.
> OH YESSSS.JUNJIE'S PHONE IS ALIVE FINALLY. : D im not barbie,stupid guy -.- & stop smoking dammit.
> can i like,die now.
> me,junjie& lin an almost commited suicide by jumping out of the 7th floor window of katong on friday.
> alex & junjie,the new masters of "xi gou " in bowling.(:
> kailun,help.
> alex,dont be dumb.
> dota dota dota,HAI.guys & DOTA.
> junjie lives on stealing people's food. -.- he only eats the food he manages to steal.LAME.
> zhou kan,HELLO. (:
> you..fucking lying bastard asshole,shut up.
> i was too blind to see.
> afternoons at katong mall with them.
> SCREW THE A MATHS TEST.HAIYAH.
> the sec 2's of china grp are like kinda rejoicing,STUPID PEOPLE,dont lame lah,i dont want to fail anything & stay back one more year with you all to graduate! alex & changxu,stop cheering! -.-
> you're very right,changxu.time to end it all,clear.
> thanks kailun,lin an,changxu,alex & junjie for sacrificing your dota playing to talk to me. <333
> alex,THINGS ARE TAKING A TURN WITH EXTERNAL INFLUENCE.ARE YOU GAME.LOL.
> the bronte sisters are my favourite lit classic writers.
> wuthering heights,agnes grey & jane eyre.awh.sweet.
> no more thinking of the past.
> after all,what matters is the present,isn't it?
> the moment i saw you cry.
> prisoner #&@%
> i've got an IQ of negative 200 -.- wth.
> kboxing babey!
> donna,thanks for calling to say you saw ziwen.lol.you have no idea,really.dont ask,but thanks.
> nicole & imee.sorry for keeping it from you all.still,thanks.
> sky's dunno what chalet ytd.sorry ah,i was lazy to go.
> there is definitely SOMETHING FISHY.
> loserrrrr.
> paradiz centre.
> that was not very nice,kailun.tsk.
> there are many more other people more unfortunate than me.
> physics,history & geog test coming hot on heels.DIE LAH.
> i should consider staying back one year to improve on my basics.OMG,I CANT BELIEVE I ACTUALLY SAID THAT O.0
> why am i so lazy to get a tagboard?
> oh well,i'll probally make the highest record of anonymous people tagging to hate me or hurl bad stuff at me anyway.
> & above all.
> sure,im dumb,stupid,senseless,blind & foolish.try sueing me.
> ...your ignorance on & off attitude.you don't care,i know.
> HAIYAH.shall concentrate on trying to play the piano. (it'll be a miracle if can. )
> i've changed too much,far too much.
> the ncc posting shocked me quite alot.still,congrats shahdan. : D ASM BIG SHOT HUH.
> "i've got better things to do than to watch MEN run after ONE BALL." wth! mdm mariam,you're the WOMAN,man. LOL.
> brian & sunny.we're all interrelated in the china grp -.- amazing.
> huge shopping spree at ZARA,MANGO,TOPSHOP,SERIES,BUM,BILLABONG,CHARLES & KEITH,COACH & least of all,ESPRIT. : D rockeddd!
> teng & his 0 levels.poor guy.
> LAINE, <333333.sophie too,SARANG HAE.lol.
> STACY MY GIRL,IT'S BEEN AGES.
> ahhh,CLARA, MY SWEET (: still rmbr the old times.
i know im being super super random that its kinda messy.but i like it : D haha.hit ZOUK on friday night with fake ids and yeah,it was great.all the drinks with a cute lil cherry on top.haha.im kinda hung over still,from last night.& the feeling sucks.but it was still fun.ytd didnt go pirates of carribbean with changxu,alex & kailun.had some stuff to settle.abby was asking if i was at DXO ytd night,cos she & shahirah wanted to go.but i couldnt make it,neither could the china people so yeah,im not sure if they tried getting in last night.i suggested quite alot of ways to her,she's like sianjipua.LOL.had to go hospital early this morning cos i vomited blood again ytd.& i was given the suggestion of staying in the hospital for 2 weeks and OF COURSE I REJECTED IT ON FIRST BASIS.mad ah.2 weeks.thinking of all the tubes and injections,im scared already.besides,think of all the tests i would have to make up for and the lessons i would miss.the one week in ths hospital few weeks back was bad enough.very very bad.so,don't be crazy,i wont.die then die lah.i dont really care.ha.irish then called me up & we went kboxing at suntec city.wanted to catch pirates but didnt in the end.teng joined us after his studying session.HEY MAN,LONG TIME NO SEE.(: we hit sizzlers to eat and then ben & jerry's.oh man,i've absolutely in love with raw smoked salmon with lemon on top.ahhhh.damn nice.then we went on a huge shopping spree at like zara,coach,mango,topshop....etc.went to marina square too,to shop on at S FOX...etc.teng was made bellboy(: as usual.ahh,me & irish are broke.lol.spent like,i cant rmbr.we used credit cards.thats why.we almost called a truck to send our stuff home.heh heh.we're like rich ass spoiled brats : D changxu called me to ask whre i was & scolded me for not staying at home to rest.then i said i was shopping like nobody's buisness and he said something i couldnt really hear and ( of course he wouldnt repeat it ),but it sounded very much like "HAI,WOMEN,WOMEN." ROFL.nice one,changxu.
mm.cynthia asked me to watch pirates on tuesday.the other half of china people asking on saturday,before/after road run.abby,are you in for pirates on monday?or else i have to make a choice between the two. =/
&I thought...Nevermind.
> this is real friendship,its true.friends who are willing to give things up to help.
> bloody hell,you're hurting him,do you know that.your ignorance,fuck you.
> lin an,cheer up! : D things will be fine,she's NOT WORTH IT,come onnnn.
> you were strong and firm with you advice and words.a definite confirmation for me & the group.thank you,changxu.
> CHANGXU.you're the best person i've ever known.really.i owe you alot.
> "...huh,what did I DO?!!" LOL.
> im not cori/izhaq's girlfriend,mr tan -.- least of all gary's.
> i don't have a boyfriend LAH.
> SINGLES GROUP.whoo!
> stupid alex w/ lit hmk & making me wait.
> my phone msges are blasting.
> stupid lin an,SHUT UP =/
> junjie,YOUR PHONE IS ALIVE AGAIN.YESSSSSS!FINALLY(:
> & now you say your phone has problems again.wth jun jie -.-
> got myself drunk on tuesday night,splitting headache next day.
> hell,cant my pocket skirt stop vibrating in classes?
> i didnt sleep for the whole of last night.
> chinese O level oral SUCKED BIG TIME TODAY. : [ DIEEEE.
> i swear,that china examiner is damn scary.
> that china examiner sounds very very formal,& is an actor who acted in SEVEN SWORDS (that chinese china movie) me & sky agreed on this conclusion : D
> eh big shot actor okay.he was great in seven swords.
> I SWEAR IT WAS HIM!
> ahhh,i PANICKED when i saw the examiner.kinda stunned there though.
> sky says, " he using that kind of beat,best thing is,to FOLLOW HIS BEAT." LOL.thats what we did for O level chinese oral examiner.omg -.-
> sky wanted to ask his autograph -.-
> my friends scared donna. ( china people. )
> linlong,BLOODY HELL,STOP LAUGHING AT ME,DAMMIT x(
> don't keep OH'ING me.
> forget it,I GIVE UP.
> big fat disappointment,AGAIN.sigh.
> where d'you go,i miss you so.
> IM WAITING. ( over & over again. )
> its up to you to decide now.
> HAIYAH.i love all of you all,happy? lacking love people. -.- lol.
> it was a crazy convo on tuesday night.
> kailun,GOD.i love you man.thanks for the advice & sorry i didnt listen to it,though.
> lifeng.you're the MAN,man.HAHA.oh yeah,are you in the hospital already after eating $110 worth of ba guas?(: senseless,as usual.
> thanks alex,for everything.accompanying/listening to me.as always.the COURT MEETING WILL CONTD TMR : D
> jingyi,we will SURVIVE O LEVEL CHINESE.(:
> please note that i am not fully healed and moved on yet.
> your words hurt me on tuesday night.
> tears tears tears.
> memories are irritating and messing with my mind.
> looking back,I HAVE BEEN STRONG.
> i will be the superwoman who smiles through the day,COS YOU GUYS BELIEVE IN ME! : D awhhh.
> omg omg OMG.brian is like,indirectly part of the china grp. YAY,huge surprise today!(: didnt know you were good friends with junjie they all.
> A maths retake test tmr.DIE.hai,forget about studying.SCREW IT.
> need i say more.
> changxu & linyi are the 'best' in bowling.confirm all "STRIKE." actually its like,out of 6 tries,5 times the bowl drop into the hole & not hit anything -.-
> me & lin an couldnt stop laughing.
> xiang long shi ba zhang! ROFL.
> alex,your acting kinda sucks -.-
> PIRATES OF CARRIBEAN ON SATURDAY : D
> uhh,sky,can i like,consider if i wanna go for the chalet thing on sat?
> im done,HEARTBREAKING. :]
> found out alot of stuff today.HMMMM.
> SIGH,i shall stop all this emo shit and random stuff.
> jasmine,dont curse them! SOCIAL TOLERANCE.
> need to drink.but i cant,will be a good girl and listen to ge ge changxu's advice.(:
> I AM A SWEET & NICE GIRL. : D
> ah ber says slap slap to those who dont do well in chinese O level.
> ours was the hardest of all.
> aiyah,who cares bout ah noi anyway.
> jillene,PANIC SESSION.
> i've became a freelance ENGLISH TUTOR. -.-
> I LOVE YOU GUYS,I SWEAR.IM TOUCHED,THANK YOU,ALL OF YOU. <33333
okay.was jst rambling on stuff the past few days.im like emotionally unstable nowadays.but im kinda more fine now.went pw ytd with lifeng they all to walk around before going back to sch to wait for lin an & alex.some nasty stuff happened, (girl's fight),but i've learnt to tolerate and be nice.(: hanged around in bedok with lin an to talk.sigh,we both as losers in love.today....went to bowling with lin yi,lin an,changxu after 0 levels.they kinda waited for me.abandoned poor alex alone in after sch care,HEH.then went to play bowling,i swear it was HILARIOUS.really.got a video clip of changxu's stupid moves -.- damn pro.then i went pw for A maths tution due to a test coming up tmr.i havent fully studied & i dont really care cos im really tired now.alex,I WAS KIDDING. okay.off to sleep early today.for once,12 plus.a record.its the earliest im sleeping this month.YAY.
&I thought...Nevermind.
you're jst one big fat disappointment.i guess i put too much of my hopes in you,and when i thought i could finally trust again,you crashed it.its like,finally i pick myself up and able to live on normally from all the depression,YOU had to come & mess me up.you JUST HAD TO.not just that,when i finally found i could trust you/believe in you,you disappointed me.big time.i guess the stupid mistake i made was to let my guard down,again.over & over & over again,you disappoint me with your words & actions.im kinda tired,already.i cant take this over & over again after all the stuff with july 23 okay.dammit,i jst cant.the only thing i gotta thank you is,you made me move on faster from him,you healed me.BUT THAT WAS B COS I TRUSTED YOU.well well.sigh,what more can i/should i say anyway.i guess falling in love with you was kinda dumb.ha,expecially when i realise you dont really care bout me,isn't it.you make me feel like,everything i do is wrong,useless,stupid,totally dumb.im not going to let this group of us 14,to fall out jst cos both of us have our constant quarrels.it isnt fair to them,people like yang shun,lifeng,junjie,changxu.....etc.they're trying really hard to help us,keep the group together.the group would be fine if we would both stop quarreling over trivial stuff & you stop being so petty/jealous & start the stupid ignoring game.you're kinda ignorant,you cant feel my feelings.why dont you think about,my feelings,or even THEIRS for once?have you thought how he would feel when you told him that?okay,i already assured you upteen times that its not what you think.what he feels is his problem,we're still friends.but still,you've just got to make a big mess out of it.come on,we're not kids anymore.grow up a lil,see the world with the wider mind.stop hurting people,no matter whether its me or him or anyone else.i guess my feelings doesnt matter anymore,i've long learnt that i didnt really matter to alot of people.but this group really made me feel like i exist,so yeah,please,dont take away the very last thing i treasure in my life.dont leave the group either,just b'cos of me,or else i would leave too and yeah,everything starts to fall apart.i hope by the time you're done with this ignoring game,we'll have a good talk & decide what YOU want to do next.i leave the ending for you to write,okay.i sweared i will be a much stronger person if you left me,so HA.i will,i swear i will.i can live w/o you.i know i will get through it,somehow.so...tell me about it yeah.im always here,though.as usual.okay,forget it.im a stupid fool,as always.when it comes to love,im always such a suckerrrr for it.ha ha.
im a loser in love laa,can.
ooookay!the blasting over,time to update stuff.mm.ytd had a good day with my best friend (: we finally went out for lunch & like,its jst the both of us & we really talked alot about stuff that's been going on.made me realise how much i miss her.so things are kinda good between me & her now yeah.im blessed :] so yeah,ponned the last two chinese period today!wanted to pon with abby but the smart girl went into class already,so i had to leave her.sorry! =/ so ponned and walked around the sec one level.went to the benches at the staircase outside the sec one level.darhlyn & yuanjun were there too,as they too,ponned.haha.sec 2E walked by that staircase down to their class after art,so yeah,saw junjie & lin an while they were like shaking their heads in mock horror that i ponned class.haha.last period of school/second period i ponned,lifeng ponned his english class as well and came out to find me at the staircase.we kinda talked about stuff & yeah.so after school ponned physics remedial/quiz,hanged around with the usual china people.alex is rather slow in drawing art huh,lol.then went for ava at 4,i kinda had to lead the critic for movies meeting and guoxi wasnt helping -.- stupid chairman.so yup,after that rushed back home & viola!here i am blogging/doing ss project to rush by 8 pm to give nicole.haha,lol nicole.so it was you all along,though i kinda suspected it.but still! whats so serious?! -.- lame.
you wouldnt know anything.i bet you dont even know i cried in school today,thanks to you and one of them had to run out to lend me his shoulder & give me a hug.he felt bad for me,& was distressed cos i was crying so hard.& both of us are like just friends.you?i doubt you would care.fine,then don't.i really literally broke down just now & i guess you weren't there.you would never know,anyway.hell,even if you knew,you would go..."OH,okay.cheer up." THATS ALL.i know you.its the lack of insincerity.HAIYAH.forget it.i shall keep telling myself you're not worth it.this is the first time i cried for you,& i hope it'll be the last.i'll try my very best to make it the last,exp for you.i shall try not to feel the pain that my heart is aching,thanks to you.
> hello rachel,i saw you in sch today! : D
> ...you can have whats left of me.
> physics quiz for me tmr!
> abby screwed her oral up.awh,it'll be fine girl.(:
> now,its MY turn to be worried for oral on thursday.haiiii.
> i think my fever is heating up,again.
> no more hospital for me,i swear,please noooooo.
> you make me feel like everything i do is wrong,stupid,dumb,useless & senseless.
> yeah yeah,contd with the ignoring game,i've given up trying to talk to you.LAH.
> you're being really stupid,do you know?
> this is kinda dumb...why the hell do i bother/keep thinking bout it.
> SCANDAL,127 days. ( haha,kangta & vaness,alex! )
> the chinese italian shouting thing that alex sent me was HILARIOUS. ( it burst my eardrum. )
> oooooh,lin an got zero for the character calculator! LOL. ( junjie,you're not any better,DONT LAUGH.you got 30! )
> i got 75 : D
> alex got 90 -.- RUBBISH,ITS SPOILED LAAAA.
> i guess i shouldnt have.
> i WILL be a happy girl! : D
> i WILL throw all the emo shit awayyyy.
> those three girls glaring/staring.wtf,mind your own buisness.
> hell,there's geog remedial tmr,& no way can i pon THAT.its mildred yap,helloooo.
> ...you're STILL messing with my mind.
> HAIYAH.
&I thought...Nevermind.
im in a pretty mood.
went out to watch superman! niceeeee.
hmm,walk at esplanade.
until the rain started,ran to cityhall.
met irish for dinner.havent seen my daughter bitch lady for a very long time huh. <333
ITALY WILL WIN : D
dont argue with me ziwen! haha.lifeng,linyi & me will WIN THE BET. =x
ahaaaa.
kinda tired,maybe i wont catch the match later.
would most probally fall asleep halfway through anyway.
谁在悬崖沏一壶茶
温热前世的牵挂
而我在调整千年的时差
爱恨全喝下
岁月在岩石上敲打
我又留长了头发
耐心等待海岸线的变化
大雨就要下
风狠狠的刮
谁在害怕
海风一直眷恋着沙
你却错过我的年华
错过我新长的枝丫
和我的白发
蝴蝶依旧狂恋着花
错过我转世的脸颊
你还爱我吗
我等你一句话
一生行走望断天崖
最远不过是晚霞
而你今生又在哪户人家
欲语泪先下
沙滩上消失的浪花
让我慢慢想起家
曾经许下的永远又在哪
总是放不下
啊轮回的记忆在风化
我将它牢牢记下
&I thought...Nevermind.
GOOOO ITALY : D you're supported!haha.
haii,worried for A maths test tmr.wonder if i can get excused.if not...well.im dead.oh,meeting karen tmr(: after one full week.
cynthia,take care alrighte.cheer up,things will be fine : D dont let people see your tears,not worth it okay.its going to be fine,& you're one strong girl.i believe you can make it through.(: <333
> hips don't lie!
> honey,please get a life.(:
> awh,you'd be doing me a HUGE favour by jst,shutting up.
> daughter bitch irish,you're not supposed to look back at the past,my dear.
> yes,sweeties.im moving on.finally.
> you thought wrong.
> hey,its not like i havent been through this before.
> ...& i die a lil more inside.
> afterall,what matter is the present,isn't it?
its like what,you think i cant survive w/o you?
hell,i CAN,very well in fact.
-im a person so much better,stronger w/o you.HA.
so,goodbye!(: ...until next time.
&I thought...Nevermind.
OMFG/ why is it happening again,& again,& ALL OVER AGAIN.
hey.i trusted you not to.but well,you still did.thanks for telling me in the middle of ytd night -.- to be fair,its not your fault.you are the victim i guess.& im sorry for being so ignorant.so,im promising you that we'd still be friends yup(: smileeeee!
people like alex,lifeng,gary,junjie...etc are all acting like im going to die any moment.haha,no im not.im just sick,a more serious case of sickness with internal bleeding.mm.thanks to all the people who's been msging me,jst to keep me company.yeah,i know im missing lots of lessons =/ & hell,i have A maths test on monday!great.i know nothing that is going to be tested cos i missed out everything.ahhhhhh.
a question that's been bothering me lately.what are best friends for?no,how can you define who's your best friend?well,now thinking,i dont think i have a best friend,anymore.maybe i treat her as my best friend but well,she doesnt think of me the same.im jst a casual friend to her.or either she's jst too busy.either way,we're drifting apart so much,we dont know what's happening in each other's life.&i tend to worry whats happening to her in her life & stuff.well,i guess she doesnt.yeahhh.sigh.
> i never believed it possible.
> ah gong's words on his blog has been bothering me,& im starting to think maybe he's right.
> things are okay,for now between the three of us : D
> im very very tired of everything.
> look,im jst a kid alrighte.
> dammit,why is everything bothering with me so much?
> the stupid ignoring game again..sigh.
> a huge big fat disappoinment.
> over,over &all over again.
> anythinggggg;
> you're getting underneath my skin.
>
&I thought...Nevermind.
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