I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
firstly,im am sorry for whatsoever vulgarities i am going to start spouting in this post or whatever.i will try to keep it down,& yes again,im sorry.exp to ah gong whom i know will definitely reprimand me in some way or another.yet again,sorry.
well well.let's see.i shall jst go straight to the point.i dont see why you have to lie,why you had to keep it from me.fuck,it hurt twice as much,knowing you didnt trust me enough to tell me,to at least have the decency to let me know.all those times,well i shall wash it away from my memory.im very very very tired.trusting in love is a liability i can really no longer afford.been crying alot lately as usual,my cycle of depression has come back once more.please dont assume im very intoxicated into playing happy.what,you think i playing that role great?hello,im doing it for your sake,for that GIRL'S sake.that day when i saw her.i decided i didnt have any right to be angry.to changxu you all,okay fine.i dont blame you all for not asking me that day cos you all had known that girl was going to be there.but well,fate has its ways and we bumped into each other & i saw her.even if not,alex would have told me.so yeah anyway.there's nothing for me to be angry about.why?cos she by far outshines me.i cant deny that fact.its hard for me.im jst trying to make you live/feel better,by not showing by tantrums,my moodiness,my tears and everything.but all i hope in return,is a little sensitivity and understanding.but no,you jst had to be like that,rubbing things in ignorantly.i understand guys are pretty insensitive,but still,i cant take your ignorance.i have been really strong this time round.im even glad to say,maybe this time,the love ain't that deep.cos of july 23,i dont have the energy,feelings or trust to love anyone truely anymore or as deep as i ever did for him.so im glad i didnt fall that deep for you.but the sucky thing is,i fell deep enough to be absolutely mired in glue and that i cant move on now.although i know i will move on in considerable time,i ain't going to be able to pretend the superwoman image much longer.bit by bit im crashing down,tearing bit by bit.i've used up all the energy & strength i have,to make this last bit of effort of holding on through for you.so yup,i shall try my very best to not break down for the time being,once again,i thank all those who has been by me this past few weeks.alex,junjie,irish,teng,imee,abygail,michelle aw,jasmine....etc.very special thanks to lifeng,chang xu & lin an for every single thing & sorry that i made you guys so worried that day when i really blasted off.to you,i am fucking tired,and i will fucking give up on you.so dont think i cant.you are jst an arrogant asshole.bastard. ( okay maybe not,but it makes me feel better calling you that. )
im done HALFWAY,but i dont want to blog anymore details about my feelings & the events.ah gong,be proud of me,i have kept the vulgarities to a really low standard.
HAIYAH.cts.cts.cts,in two weeks.omg omg omg.panic period?hmm.alrighte,i shal start PIA-ING for CT'S which commences in two weeks time.i would like to thank michelle here for comforting me & giving me a bear hug ytd during/after tuition when mr ng started to mention that i reminded him of a student called......and he continued some stuff about him.you noticed my face immediately change and gave mr ng that silent 'NO NO' cross sign.lol.how cute of you.still,thank you.mr ng,its not your fault.(: no worries,im fine.jst that,i realized.a mere mention or any hint of the past,or him,would trick up that hurt in me,that pain i had gone through,which is now numbed & buried somewhere inside me for the time being.only.im jst running away from the pain,but no doubt,it will be back soon.i know.all those past few months of pain,was jst a part of it being unleashed.the pain is still throbbing within me,on the go,& one day,when it fully unleashes,it would probally kill and take my life away.but i managed to buy 2 months of time,and in this 2 months,i have got myself prepared for the pain that july 23 inside me was about to unleash.
enough of all this ranting & emo stuff.i am going drinking at ZOUK tonight,dont bother me.
love love love,people.
> always treasure what you have now.nvr look back & regret cos its all gone already & would nvr come back.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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