I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
you're jst one big fat disappointment.i guess i put too much of my hopes in you,and when i thought i could finally trust again,you crashed it.its like,finally i pick myself up and able to live on normally from all the depression,YOU had to come & mess me up.you JUST HAD TO.not just that,when i finally found i could trust you/believe in you,you disappointed me.big time.i guess the stupid mistake i made was to let my guard down,again.over & over & over again,you disappoint me with your words & actions.im kinda tired,already.i cant take this over & over again after all the stuff with july 23 okay.dammit,i jst cant.the only thing i gotta thank you is,you made me move on faster from him,you healed me.BUT THAT WAS B COS I TRUSTED YOU.well well.sigh,what more can i/should i say anyway.i guess falling in love with you was kinda dumb.ha,expecially when i realise you dont really care bout me,isn't it.you make me feel like,everything i do is wrong,useless,stupid,totally dumb.im not going to let this group of us 14,to fall out jst cos both of us have our constant quarrels.it isnt fair to them,people like yang shun,lifeng,junjie,changxu.....etc.they're trying really hard to help us,keep the group together.the group would be fine if we would both stop quarreling over trivial stuff & you stop being so petty/jealous & start the stupid ignoring game.you're kinda ignorant,you cant feel my feelings.why dont you think about,my feelings,or even THEIRS for once?have you thought how he would feel when you told him that?okay,i already assured you upteen times that its not what you think.what he feels is his problem,we're still friends.but still,you've just got to make a big mess out of it.come on,we're not kids anymore.grow up a lil,see the world with the wider mind.stop hurting people,no matter whether its me or him or anyone else.i guess my feelings doesnt matter anymore,i've long learnt that i didnt really matter to alot of people.but this group really made me feel like i exist,so yeah,please,dont take away the very last thing i treasure in my life.dont leave the group either,just b'cos of me,or else i would leave too and yeah,everything starts to fall apart.i hope by the time you're done with this ignoring game,we'll have a good talk & decide what YOU want to do next.i leave the ending for you to write,okay.i sweared i will be a much stronger person if you left me,so HA.i will,i swear i will.i can live w/o you.i know i will get through it,somehow.so...tell me about it yeah.im always here,though.as usual.okay,forget it.im a stupid fool,as always.when it comes to love,im always such a suckerrrr for it.ha ha.
im a loser in love laa,can.
ooookay!the blasting over,time to update stuff.mm.ytd had a good day with my best friend (: we finally went out for lunch & like,its jst the both of us & we really talked alot about stuff that's been going on.made me realise how much i miss her.so things are kinda good between me & her now yeah.im blessed :] so yeah,ponned the last two chinese period today!wanted to pon with abby but the smart girl went into class already,so i had to leave her.sorry! =/ so ponned and walked around the sec one level.went to the benches at the staircase outside the sec one level.darhlyn & yuanjun were there too,as they too,ponned.haha.sec 2E walked by that staircase down to their class after art,so yeah,saw junjie & lin an while they were like shaking their heads in mock horror that i ponned class.haha.last period of school/second period i ponned,lifeng ponned his english class as well and came out to find me at the staircase.we kinda talked about stuff & yeah.so after school ponned physics remedial/quiz,hanged around with the usual china people.alex is rather slow in drawing art huh,lol.then went for ava at 4,i kinda had to lead the critic for movies meeting and guoxi wasnt helping -.- stupid chairman.so yup,after that rushed back home & viola!here i am blogging/doing ss project to rush by 8 pm to give nicole.haha,lol nicole.so it was you all along,though i kinda suspected it.but still! whats so serious?! -.- lame.
you wouldnt know anything.i bet you dont even know i cried in school today,thanks to you and one of them had to run out to lend me his shoulder & give me a hug.he felt bad for me,& was distressed cos i was crying so hard.& both of us are like just friends.you?i doubt you would care.fine,then don't.i really literally broke down just now & i guess you weren't there.you would never know,anyway.hell,even if you knew,you would go..."OH,okay.cheer up." THATS ALL.i know you.its the lack of insincerity.HAIYAH.forget it.i shall keep telling myself you're not worth it.this is the first time i cried for you,& i hope it'll be the last.i'll try my very best to make it the last,exp for you.i shall try not to feel the pain that my heart is aching,thanks to you.
> hello rachel,i saw you in sch today! : D
> ...you can have whats left of me.
> physics quiz for me tmr!
> abby screwed her oral up.awh,it'll be fine girl.(:
> now,its MY turn to be worried for oral on thursday.haiiii.
> i think my fever is heating up,again.
> no more hospital for me,i swear,please noooooo.
> you make me feel like everything i do is wrong,stupid,dumb,useless & senseless.
> yeah yeah,contd with the ignoring game,i've given up trying to talk to you.LAH.
> you're being really stupid,do you know?
> this is kinda dumb...why the hell do i bother/keep thinking bout it.
> SCANDAL,127 days. ( haha,kangta & vaness,alex! )
> the chinese italian shouting thing that alex sent me was HILARIOUS. ( it burst my eardrum. )
> oooooh,lin an got zero for the character calculator! LOL. ( junjie,you're not any better,DONT LAUGH.you got 30! )
> i got 75 : D
> alex got 90 -.- RUBBISH,ITS SPOILED LAAAA.
> i guess i shouldnt have.
> i WILL be a happy girl! : D
> i WILL throw all the emo shit awayyyy.
> those three girls glaring/staring.wtf,mind your own buisness.
> hell,there's geog remedial tmr,& no way can i pon THAT.its mildred yap,helloooo.
> ...you're STILL messing with my mind.
> HAIYAH.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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