I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
> sometimes,it takes a tragedy for the truth to come out.
> im through with letting you get to me.
> NO,im through with shedding tears.
> you jst punctured another huge gaping hole in my way too tattered life.
> ...not again.
> fuck,why was i sabo-ed to sit beside him in the cinema.
> bloody awkward,fuck.
> everytime i try to fly,i fall w/o my wings.
> combine this post & the previous.this is my second post today.
> bu de bu aiiiii~
> mr. Q.
> looking at this photograph.
> & i opened the box of memories today...
> jst walk away!
> are you friend or foe?
> go get a life of your own.
> love love love.
> its been a year.
> time flies quickly.
> well well.im crumbling down,expected.
> you dont have to lie anymore,i already know LAH.
> you stupid people all kept it really well from me,nice one.
> i wont give a damn.
> yup changxu,thanks.
> keep it up,weiru.BE STRONG,DAMMIT.
> nah,im not pissed.
> im jst....hai.forget it.
> july 23,11.45 pm.
after all that's happened,a couple of truths have bcome abundantly clear : trusting in love is a liability i can no longer afford.not now,not ever.trust,period,is becoming a liability.morbid thought yeah,but hey,might as well be honest.
normally,i'd be waxing philosophical right now,going off on some tangent about my childhood or some ephiany i had at a place which somehow seems a metaphor for my tragic life.but really,i'd jst be stalling.mentally stalling.letting my mind get clouded up with dime-store self analysis,self pity & a bunch of half baked theories instead of using all that mental energy in a constructive way.nothing.nothing but sulking,pitying,hypothesizing & speculating which are all a bunch of euphemihs for nothing.maybe its time to give 2 years & half of absolute pessimism a well earned rest.
until now,i've jst been too afraid to afraid what i've always known.i will never win him back.he is never going to turn back/love me again.never.i realize now that i have been holding on for so long.absolutely mired in glue.& now,with my fears cast aside,i am ready to let go.now,its time to wipe the slate clean.but first,i must destroy the old-rid myself of the glue.
let's face it,i never understand anything when it happens to me.I never understand all those sadomasochistic stuff i do to myself.but now i stop,think & look back.then i wonder how anyone in their right mind could have missed it.
& its amazing how stupid you can be when you want smth really bad.take me,thinking i could have happiness for longer than a minute.who was i kidding?! myself.i was kidding myself.cos when all this happiness stuff began,i truly believed i could hold on to it,long term.but i guess anything long term is jst not built onto my life plan.period.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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