I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
i was asking if she's okay and stuff,then one of the things she said was " haha,i jst wanted to care about you,you know."
thanks tinghui for caring/wanting to.you're greatly appreciated.lovee. <3 i'll be there for you if you need me alrighte.anytime.smile prettyyy : D
abby.dont drag it.dont make the same mistake.i was in the same position as you,exact same one,last year & you know it.i regretted it later then.& now,im actually also stuck in a very similar situation.but i know what i must do.must be firm,abby.be persistent with your thoughts and decision.no more being soft cos its not only for your good,its for the opposite's good as well.lots of love abby. < 333333
sigh sigh.things have changed.in just one bloody fucking week.drastic changes.hmmmm.haiyah.forget it,im jst a big pile of mess altogether.
&I thought...Nevermind.
& then to people like..changxu,lin an,lifeng,kailunjielin,alex,irish,teng,tinghui,richny,donna,diane,rachel,vincent,jingyi,cynthia,
michelle aw,yanting,brian,sunny...etc.i thank you guys so much yeah,for giving me words of advice,trying to help,accompanying me,being there for me & cheering me up.oh,thanks junjie,for always making stupid jokes trying to make me laugh.(: thanks for bearing with me,understanding what im going through.lots of loveeeee.
i jst realised something.the sec 3 grp i usually hang out with,none of them knows anything im actually going through,or rather,none of them knows whats going on in my life anymore.lol.i cant complain,cos i dont know whats going on in theirs as well.even my many years best friend,doesnt confide anything in me now & somehow,i cant really talk to her about my stuff.maybe we jst need sometime to go out and really talk.or maybe,our cycle of problem has come again,the same old problem that we always have,which is damn stupid,but neverthless,very serious.ah welllll.but maybe im too sensitive lah,as usual.things still seem to be fine,for the moment.
hmm.to you.even though im sorry for flaring at you,showing you full attitude this past week,you havent been very nice either.morever,you started it first.i think im nice enough to have even tried/made an effort to make things right/better between us.people says its a misunderstanding between us.well,if it is so.why are you refusing to clear it up,so even try to make things right?this jst goes to show our friendship doesnt matter to you,that i,in full,jst totally doesnt mean a single shit to you.its alrighte,i get the pt.im not some clinging girl,so no,im not going to cling onto you & start crying all over & begging you,saying im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry over &over again.im sorry im jst not those kind.i've apologised twice first when it wasnt my fault,& thats the furtherst i will/can go.im not a bloody pushover.you're hard & stubborn,sorry,i am too.like alex said,if we contd to like that,confirm got fiery hot sparks being blasted and they'll get to witness a huge blast off/screaming/throwing match where emotions cant be held down.inwardly,i think he's right.our patience,i can see,is going short,like one of us any moment,is going to start screaming & shout " whats your fucking problem." to the other's place.heh,how predictable.but welll.i shouldnt worry too much,you started it,its your problem for any consequences that are not in your favour.ha ha.smile pretty boyyy.you are going down,down to hell.& i'll be smiling/waving at you from the top.this time,i wont let you get to me,i wont let you see me inside,see through me.no more of being vulnerable.its goodbye,little weiru,new era now,era of being a superwoman. ( right,tinghui. lol. )
to you.i guess we've drifted apart cos of the many times you've been here for me because of 23 & him.maybe you cant take it,the words & tears i said/shed over them,you watching me.im sorry.its either you're jst busy recently,or you jst want a break from the hurt you're feeling.but i trust you,really,so yeah,i dont blame you.jst hope time are fine for you there,work hard for you streaming this year yeah.im always here whenever you need me.(: im sorry,once again.but i still stand by this.you're the person always manages to put a smile back/on my face.always.but thats all...
to people who likes to talk/gossip/bitch about me.whoever you all are, ( some i dont even know they existed,& has absolutely zero connections with them )go spout whatever you all want,leave me out of it lah.what fucking buisness of it is yours?hmmm.
saw chuhong & weijin on tuesday.they came back to sch,for national day celebration.weijin looks like he jst came out for army.lol.(: havent seen them for the longest time & im glad to have seen them again.reminds me of alot of stuff.
> & jst look at what the fuck you've done to me.
> you're a meanie dylan : [
> shennnniieeeeee.bimbo! LOL.
> alcohol can make me high & really happy like everything's okay.i love that kind of feeling although it makes people see me like im on drugs or smth. -.-
> stacy my girl,we'll meet really soon.
> & SO WILL WE,CARINA,I SWEAR! (: <33333
> & so will us,the whole pri sch gang too : D
> jasmine was being called an ah lian by joshua.& jasmine started to whine/diao joshua.HAHA.
> weijie weijie weijie.a thousand sorries.nah,i think you've heard enough of it over the past....i dont know how many years.thanks for being the one & only person to know me fully and able to calm me & being there for me/helping me out so many times in REAL troubles. ( okay,maybe not the only one lah,ge also. )
> its jst that,the thing is,my ge is currently MIA.& actually its been a few months and i bloody hell,lost track of where the hell he is,and any news of him i ever had in the midst of all these troubles stirring up here.but i know he's having a hell of a time touring like & i envy him.but he'll get shit,as in REAL DEEP SHIT when he finally graces a star appearance to everyone,after MIA'ing for so long.he will get killed.dont fret,not only by me ^^
> funny how relationships can make such a huge impact on people.
> all of a sudden,i feel like booking a one way ticket to vienna or taipei.
> i miss the times in vienna,being alone with all the statues,museums,sceneries,food,music,traditional simple life....away from here.
> a life away/off from here.
> trina is such a monster. -.-
> vincent is currently in his SMU camp,with the "hot babes." my GEOGGGGGG. : [ ahh.well,till saturdayyy.
> common tests starting next tues.somehow,i cant feel the panic/pressure as it was during mye's.wierd.
> its as if the fear gene is permanently immuned.
> i swear my eye's water tap is spoiled.its leaking like crazy.& then,when it keeps on leaking,it slowly becomes to real tears that i cry.what the fuck.
HAIYAH.i am still very unstable.im sorry for my up & down emotions & trantums & stuff.really really sorry.exp to donna.btw,you cheer up too.(:
going to MOS tonight i guess.i expect there'll be a long queue tonight there,but with MEEEE around at the scene,there's no such thing as queue for me to get in.haha.(: haha,too badddddd,people.
& so,till then.<333
&I thought...Nevermind.
> ...what to do w/ all these memories ah?
> you're not who you used to be & i wonder where you've gone.
> okay i know im stupid to be thinking this way,OR EVEN HAVE THOUGHT OF IT,but still.it bothers me alot that we didnt meet each other afterall,even though were at the same place.its like how fate didnt want us to be together,in the end.
> most likely we keep narrowingly miss each other.
> have you fallen in a black hole.
> the way you turned to wave at me that day,i never will forget.
> we are desperate people,wanting to be skinny poles.LOL.
> why do i always remember such stuff right down to the smallest detail?my mind is irritating me.
> its shakespeare in love.(:
> now,i don't think the friendship between me & my many years best friend is that deep afterall.
> daisy & rose.
> & i wonder what went wrng.
> edge of seventeen.
> get highhh,wo shei dou bu ming bai,yin wei wo you ni de aiiiii~
> & you go easy easyyyy~
> i cried....as usual.
> why do i keep breaking down/crying these few days.
> & if its alrighte,i'll stay until its late,until you tell me that its time that we moved on.
> & if it takes all night,i'll wait here till the daylight,till that i can see that we jst dont belong.
> & its alrighte again,cos we were wrng afterall...
> go watch "click" people.its funny & absolutely heart wrenching =/awhhh.
> you looked at me across the bball court today,saw me looking at you.maybe i was dreaming,but for the first time since the things started,you held my gaze for a tiniest movement,before you quickly looked away as usual.
> maybe i was illusioning,too desperate to search for any sign on you,that you actually care. ( haha,i am so wrng about it.)
> & my weakest pt is that i keep crumbling inside & give in too easily.not anymore though.
> THE RELATIONSHIP BALL.ROFL.damn stupid.lol.
> you think what.i easy to bully,to be soft ah.fuck you,no its not working that way anymore.you want to play stubborn,so can i.its either you or me now to take the initiative & as i've said,it ain't gonna be me for sure.so if you wont,then let this friendship slowly fade down to hell.
what happened to the good times,what happened to the moments where we felt so much,where's the love now.
i threw the box of memories,things flew out.
i found the box of memories lying on the ground,used to make me smile.
but now i feel so lonely & torn.
&I thought...Nevermind.
suddenly,i have no mood to blog anymore.cancelled the huge major bitch fit fest i typed jst now.if anyone wants to know what happened,ask me personally.now,will jst put a few randoms up.
> you don't care,i definitely won't care,then we're all even.
> how sweet can this ending be.ha.ha.
> thanks to kailun & changxu & lin an for talking to me ytd. love love.
> lin an,thanks for that super long talk.yes i know that all of you are dead worried about me & really care for me & stuff.but dont worry,i'll be fine.im superwoman afterall.(:
> thanks alex,for never failing to cheer me up.you really very small boy eh.& why always i help you do smth,it gets posponed for a long time! RRAHHH. :[ eeeeyer,i dont like you,why send me that song =/ but nvm lah,still quite nice although you were supposed to send me HAPPY SONGS! haha,so dont worry,i still like you lah.lol -.- ( whoever is reading this,dont get the wrng idea. )
> you're jst a loserrrrr.
> i am really grateful for the friends i have.
> feeling at a loss of what to do,seems like im standing in the middle of nowhere with no aim.i dont know what im supposed to think,or feel.completely at a loss,very lost.i could jst drop dead anytime.this life is so fucked up at the moment that it was no fucking pt.
> short convo with ah gong.its been a long time.
> ...the past still clings on,a shadow overwhelming me.
> i still see scenes when i go bugis & parkway or even simply,jst walking past 4B in sch,or the staircase where we used to meet...etc.
> i guess i dont matter enough to you to make you feel you had to clear things with me.im jst nothing to you.completely zip,zero,nothing.let alone being a simple friend.
> haiyah,im jst driving myself nuts.
> been reading a friend's blog.she's going through the same feelings as me.& i feel really bad/worried for her cos i know how she's feeling.its jst that i've been coping with it for a long time & its slowly become a part of me, (unfortunately ).
> this emo depression thing had blended nicely into me,with my nature.
> always know the enemy.know who are your friends,who are not.oh,most impt,spot the hypocrites.
> some people are really nice,regardless of whatever rumours heard or their dao looks.they're jst misunderstood & not give a chance.& i had enough,hearing things about her,so people,shut your trap when you dont know her.i know how she feels & it really sucks,so shut up & mind your own buisness.thank you.
> ACES day workout.zzzzzzz'
> & you go easy easyyyyy~
> you wont get to see or feel the hurt/pain & tears that i've gone through,underneath this huge smiling plaster on my face.three cheers for that pt,that you're insensitive not to know. : DD
> yeah yeah,go ahead,turn the cards arnd to defend yourself or whatever you want.point fingers at me,im the guilty one.yeah,whatever you want to do to prove you're not wrng.listen,things are different now,& i dont give a fuck.
> i catch no shit about binomial thm or set word problems.
> & i catch not even a ball on physics and geog.
> love's beautifulllll.ah lalalaaaa~ (bullshit.)
> a lie to live
> i desperately need an illusion to hang on to for the moment before i really lose control and crash.fuck,i think im going mad,im losing my mind.
what can i say.i cant do anything.this all game is being directed by you.so yeah,go ahead and direct it in anyway you want.im jst stupid enough to have no choice but to follow your rules and play it your way.but hey,even newbies may overtake experienced player,so let's watch who'll emerge as in the winner in this oh-so-fun ignoring/denying/daoing/attitude game.i am game for it...(:
& it scares me when i know how much you mean to me,when i realise how much you still affect me after so long.we are leading totally different lives now,yet i cant let go of the past & everything /july 23.
goodbye,good luck wo de aiii.
; 谢谢你的结束
/在倔强的背后
'在微笑的背后
再见我的爱
再见我的爱
有什么借口
有什么理由
让你留在我心中
再见我的爱
再见我的爱
梦醒了之后
你转身就走
把我留在记忆中
&I thought...Nevermind.
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