I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
> ms yap is so cute.she was like saying all of them,would give me A** for attentiveness,determination,& that i really preservere alot.awh,thanks.
> i am officially tired.yawn.fullstop.
> saw angela & weiming the other day.hmm.
> maybe its time to let go of july 23,once & for all.
> hopefully,things ARE what it seems now.
> EOY's on monday in hall somemore.wtf.
fuck,im having mood swings.messy messy.rachel's b'day tmr : D ahhhh.
i think simont art glass necklaces are so pretttyyyy! =x
anyway.enough of being random.
i've said my piece.
bye bye world,im off piaaaaa'ing.take care all,good luck for EOY's!(:
you'll hear from me in three weeks time,i promise.
now & foreverrrrrr, <3
so tell me,whats life going to be like w/ you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
i've been in a pretty good mood these few days,considering everything thats been happening.so,yup.it doesnt matter,nothing else does anymore.
i think some insults people throw at me are laughable.cos i think its dumb,they're wasting their time.obviously those people do not know me well enough to know that insults simply jst bounces off me.so yeah,im not going to waste my time & energy being angry or whatever.& i am not too.like i said,it doesnt matter,LAH.
july 23.there's so many things i want to say.there's so many stuff running through my head.there's so much emotions running through me.but sadly,some,will probably remain unspoken forever.
you > thank you,for being there for me all this while.even though we havent known each other for a super long time,but still.we clicked instantly as friends & you nvr failed to make me laugh & smile.i hope,this will contd on,really.you always know what im thinking & you know me for who i am.besides july 23,you're the only other guy who has seen me so vulnerable before.somehow,i feel comfortable exposing my weak side to you,knowing that you will be there for me w/o saying it.no words are needed,you will jst be there.forget bout whatever feelings.& i believe you're the best,friend.
EOY'S ARE COMING,PEOPLE.study lah! i am,too.chem was a killer today,damn.
good luck everyone,i'll be away from the com for quite some time.
partayeeee'ing starts right after exams.can't wait.(:
bye bye <333
this is to the world,
thank you.all of you.
> teach my heart what's love.
> your history is mine,<3
> & once in a lifetime,fly to the sky.
> when your chance comes,grab it.
> there's no possibility in us...i guess.
> guys are always blissfully ignorant -.- zzzz.
> this is damn random.but....TINGHUI IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. =x haha! <333
> friends are foreverrrrr.
> you have always made me feel secure.
> i hate trigo stuff for A maths.stupid topic :(
> cynthia,rmbr.im here.<333 things will be alrighte.
> i want to pon sch tmr.oops.
> tmr got ss lecture after sch.follow by geog lesson.followed by another smaller grp geog lesson w/ cynthia & michele.omg.
> almost broke down in sch today but i guess i held on : D
> haha,SUCKERRRRS(:
> fiona's drama episode coming,must rmbr to watch.
> that taiwan small boy so cute,quarrel w/ me so long somemore on chinese words & ah bian.heh.
> DAO BIAN! : D thats the righttt way.
> i have major mood swings.
> these idiots.kbox every friday w/o fail.DONT WANT,i will only join in after EXAMS,don't come influence me,dammit :(
have you ever seen your face,
in a mirror there's a smile.
but inside you're jst a mess,
you feel far from good.
&I thought...Nevermind.
i've been bitchy since ytd,im sorry to those who got a full blast of it.like lin an,joshua & some others who met me at tuition today.
FINALLY.things cleared up between me & them when we met today.im glad.again cynthia,thanks for your advice. <3 to the rest of them,we'll all be fine,as we all talked it out today : D
went arcade with shennie for an hour! both of us were super tired of the endless tuition & studying,so we went to parkway arcade to play : D we almost got through the whole dinosaur shooting game things,but i got myself killed halfway -.- zzzzzz.my mood improved alot after that,cos shennie really makes my day with her actions =x then we dutifully,went back to tuition & had our butts glued to the chair and our eyes stick to our work,with our mouth glued shut =/ but still productive work done,im satisfied.oh,me & shennie realized smth shocking.victor plays the piano!grade 7 o.0 that guy can play piano,look good & play basketball,not to mention study well.awhhh,so sweet.lol.
fiona came in for tuition today after disappearing for months.& smth funny happened.she turned around & asked me."whats zero divide by 2 ah?isit minus two?" then my brain was full of chem,i wasnt thinking.then i momentarily cant rmbr.then i was like,"uh...i think....uh.haiyah,where's the calculator?" the whole centre laughed -.- fine lah,i wasnt thinking! dammit :( she asked me whats zero minus 6,whether the answer is minus 6 not.lucky that one,i am not so blur to not realise it.(: haha.oh,& she's sec 3.
i have a crash course geog with vincent at 9.30 in the morning tmr.he finaly has time to teach me.then afternoon i've got to rush to bedok for A maths.then tmr night i have dinner with some.....people.cant miss it,as much as i would love to skip it.
today's 23 btw!as incredible as it seems,i really did not realise it until...like.3 plus?only when fiona asked me for the date,i look at my hp then i realise.but upon realising,i jst stoned for a while rmbring & later i snapped back out of my trance automatically & even smiled.is that supposed to be a sign that im actually moving on,faster than i ever thought i would?he would be proud of me.(: 1 year 2 months,time flies.hmm.
> lin an,i will not lie & say i am not pissed off with you.cos yes,i am so fucking pissed off with you.i am sorry im snapped at you since ytd until now,but i am still snapping at you at this very exact moment,cos i am really not happy,as you would term it.so yeah,whatever it is.i hope my anger towards you will die off in a few days time.in the meantime,i say sorry for whatever i am going to treat you like in the next few days in advance.sorry.
like i said.maybe normal classmates would be so much better.like me & cynthia.like me & michele.like me & yasmin or anyone else.like me & vanessa & so on.really,im not saying this cos im unhappy with you all or anything or im pissed with you all.cos i am really not.i love you all alot,i am saying the truth here.i really do.that is why maybe distance would suit us alot better.i really love & care for you all alot,whether you all choose to believe it.so yup.i stop talking here(: take care.
-with <333,
your friend.(to all of you all.)
&I thought...Nevermind.
lin an,im sorry.but i am not in the mood to talk to you.
sorry i jst snapped at you rather badly.but im freaking pissed off.
dont bother,really.talk to you some other time.not...today.
sorry.
&I thought...Nevermind.
i was the one who failed chem,im sorry.i didnt get an f9 though,it was an E8.but whatever it is,i really thank mr tan kee hoe.cos he keeps on encouraging me not to give up,that i can definitely do it if i keep on trying.similarly,to mr vincent tan,ms ada tan,& ms mildred yap.these teachers nvr gave up on me,offering me the best they could,even though i disappointed them once & again.exp to mr vincent tan,who has spoken to my dad quite a few times randomly over my life & everything that's been happening recently.thanks for the offer bout the laptop though,lol.you have been keeping an eye out for me,even bringing me to church,making sure im okay in class.& that,is really deeply appreciated.plus,im glad i made the choice to go church.brighton church & the people in it,like carrie-ann,elise,valencia...etc & stuff have been brightening up my day(: you teachers know my problem very well,& yeah,i really need not say more.
hmm.let's see.i am in a pretty good mood right now,cos i think of the journey home with cynthia this afternoon.& its like,she talked bout everything,that changed between us since sec 1.& everything we said were super frank.like how,both of us couldnt accept each other.but how we did,in the end.how,the 2D clique broke apart,how cliques changed.how their clique are now.& talking to cynthia,made me feel liike....she's not the same girl anymore.she really isnt.her thinking & everything has changed so much that its amazing.in the past,i use to lecture her on stuff ,now her turn to lecture me -.- & she told me "i like friendships that are not so close but not to far.like both of us.cos its like,we have our distance,we're not sticky,so we wont subconciously find faults with each other.but somehow we know when we need help,the other will be waiting there for you,w/o asking any more questions than you're willing to say." cynthia...understands me well.after all we've been through since sec 1,she has changed i guess,i have too.both of us,in a way,like she agreed,are rather alike.& as i reflected on my way to meet a friend later on,i began to realise how much truth there was in her words.granted,yes friends do get pissed off with one another in a while or so.there's nothing wrng with that.but..i guess friends should have trust.not those kind of 'keep secret' trust.but those kind of trust that....makes you know that person is a friend,simply a friend.& i totally agree with her that friends shouldnt be too close,problems would arise.it,is totally true.for me,at least,& for her.also,true,we humans dont know what we're doing sometimes.we are all hypocrital in a small way,somehow or another,as we all try to be neutral,we do get influenced sometimes.okay,there's alot more to our conversation,but some others can only be felt,not written.like cynthia said,im a 'writing' person,not a talking person,like her.i tend to write everything & rant it out.but here,is a case whre i dont know how to put it into words.
okay.today,whatever impressions i gave to some people,i apologise.
really.but i swear,i did not give the impression i meant for it to be.
yes,i was unhappy,however,only slightly,not to the extent of showing attitude.
i was jst unsure how to react in the morning seeing you all,so i did not say anything & kept quiet.then....i heard insults,rants & stuff,which i would much prefer not to elaborate.im sure you know.
also,i believe friends should accept their friends for who they really are.
i dont even think someone can change alot for a friend,or even best friend,cos even if friendship is very important,its still not significant enough to change a person or whatever he/she is,originally.if you've decided that person is your friend,learn to accept him/her.which,i am doing so now.im not blaming anyone or upset.cos i accept. cynthia was the one who made me see this fact as well.if you dont understand me,i cant blame you.cos i dont know how to express myself anymore.like cynthia said as well,some people take months to get over,some weeks.some days,but some years & take forever.but thats human nature.the more you force yourself,the more pain inflicted,the bigger the scar,you will break down mentally.you have to let go,slowly,reasonably.
tinghui told me to calm down,before thinking anything.im glad i listened to her.i sat down there,alone & i thought.she's right,i see things alot clearer when im calm & alone.another trait like cynthia,'like to be left alone sometimes.' cynthia thinks too much,so do i,as she pointed it out.so maybe it's b cos of our similarity,i understand her words,i understand her & she understand me.even though i didnt mention anything that happened today to her,she jst said everything that hit on what i should know & learn.& then vincent.he called me at like 1 in the morning,to talk to me.not to show me sympathy,but to show concern & understand whats going on in my life.even though,that ass is in university now,he still takes time off to gimme a lil bit of geog tuition here & there.& not only that,to tell me what i shld think & shouldnt.i guess fellow taiwanese's think alike huh.(:
okay,happy belated birthday changxu.^^ im sorry,i wasnt in the mood to blog this ytd.anyway.we'll all give you a huge celebration after the exams,all of us promise.im sorry i cant make it for kbox today & also last week,cos i simply have lots of things to rush up.will re-join you guys after the exams,i promise,so dont start whining that i dont really care bout you all horh! but i believe you guys will understand.
lifeng,hope your eye's fine.take care of it.
richny,cheer up.things wil get better,i promise.
tinghui,i guess friends sometimes need time to open up to someone.cos they dont know how to express it.& hey,i do come to you when i need help okay! whatever it is,cheer up.anything,you know know the usual procedure.pick your hp & start msging me.or gimme a call.im here always.<33 color="#ffff99">lin an,im super sorry i snapped at you ytd.really.
i am meeting up w/ a few long time lost girlfriends to clear some unhappiness for the past 2 weeks.& also my fellow bimbos,diane,shennie & vincent! (: going to piaa damn hard for chem tmr,i swear.i will score in the next testttt.hopefully i wont crash mr tan kee hoe's hopes in me,again.
today's loves goes out to this entire world! :D
exp tinghui,cynthia,weijia,vincent&alex. <33
&I thought...Nevermind.
sometimes,i jst dont get the world.but hey,wait a minute,i've never given a thought bout what the world thinks bout me,so give me a reason why i should now,actually.
what i dont get is.
why doesnt anyone see me as...a normal human.
a girl who's really struggling under all the facades &pretence.
someone who' really literally on the verge of breaking down,lose control.
no one seems to be there,& no one seems to care.
i cant have a proper cry-out-loud session,cos there's no one there to lend me their shoulder for a hint of comfort.
more than once,almost everytime,i end up crying in a corner,sliding down the wall helplessly.
more than once,after crying,i end up in that corner stoning,not knowing what im thinking bout,but yet,still w/ tears running down.
many times,i get pissed off,i do mind,but why doesnt anyone seem to care bout what i think & feel.i dont get it.i dont get the fact why some friends can care so much & think bout the other when the other is angry or sad.but similarly,when it comes to me,no one bothers,& some would even get pissed off at me for being pissed.i mean,what the fuck is wrng with this world.cant i have my rights?this is getting really dumb & i think there's too much hypocrisy arnd me for me to handle.
i keep on holding myself up,smiling even though im pissed/or sad.smiling even when im afraid.to you all : im tired.i dont want to keep up with this circle anymore.i think its plain stupid.why should i care for you all so much,when apparently,neither one of you all really actually gives a damn bout what im feeling or whatsoever.im not taken seriously,im not given a thought about.many many times,i simply dont fit the category of being in this...clique.b cos my prescebce is so small,that im always the last to be informed,to be remembered about.im fucking tired,pick a fight w/ me if you want,im not a bloody pushover anymore.go on,think/do whatever you want.im game for it.lastly,im not a fucking sparetire.thank you very much.
okay look,i dont have any cold,hard statistics to back this up,but i think its safe to assume that at one pt or another,everyone must become pretty damn sick of themselves.i mean honestly,how could this not happen?how could people not grow dizzyingly,violently sick of themselves after a while?b'cos what are we really talking bout here?we are talking bout twenty-four hours a day,seven days a week.that's how much time we are forced to spend with ourselves,sleeping,eating,talking,fighting,dressing,undressing -it never stops.
i have spend every waking moment of my life with me.& the truth is,i am sick to the death of it.i can't really fathom who,in their right mind,would not be sick of me at this pt.my life,afterall,never seems to change,does it.my life really jst repeats itself over & over again in this dismal cycle : tragedy...then hope...then something very closely resembling actual happiness,& then w/o fail,tragedy again.im a tragicomic broken record -a study in numbing emotional monotony.im one very long sad-ass story that never seems to end.
until now.
now i am stating it for the record.if i could scream it to this entire pain-in-the-ass city,i would.b'cos i want everyone who has ever known me to hear this & to understand this : that i am hereby,changing my life.i am breaking the cycle.i am breaking it here & now & forever,because i believe i can,& i am going to put the mangled pieces together even if it kills me.
a new beginning.that is what i have here.that is what this is going to be for me.a new beginning with a new weiru.a weiru who doesn't bitch &moan bout her existential woes.a weiru who doesnt repeat the same fatalistic routine over & over again.a weiru who doesnt have to be nauseatingly sick of herself anymore.no more bitching.period.b cos i am so sick of it.i am sick to death of the half-assed,violent,depressive soap opera that's been shoved down my throat for the past...i dont know hell knows years.it's not a life.im not even sure what you would call whats been passing for my life.i think you'd call it "god's cruel joke." whatever it is,it doesnt matter.im telling this to whoever might be listening.
the joke is officially over.i am pressing RESET.do over.i am starting my life again.
i can walk away & im doing it,dammit.
> chinese prelims tmr,wtf.
> wake up,i've been waiting for you.
> note this : i loved you,past tense,boy.
> & tears would help to heal.
> no sleep tonightttt!
> love for your dreams.
> come baby,we ain't gonna live forever!
> in my dreams,the girl you love was still me.
> she,shouldnt exist in our memories.
> fuck,im ready to crash something.
> ...self inflicted pain makes me high.
&I thought...Nevermind.
okay.i suddenly have this pang of nostalgia,thinking bout stuff thats been rushing at me in a rush.& so im going to dedicate a small paragraph to a friend.
TINGHUI > haha,the love of my life : D even though we've known each other for a really short time,but she's quickly become of my really good friends ever.i love her alot and really really care for her. ( this is sounding les ) but anyways,even though i'll be leaving pretty soon,i know she will be on my mind quite constantly cos i tend to worry alot for her and stuff and i will miss her random hyper mood swings.lol.she's been there for me through that rough period of time when i was kicked from the house and everything,and even though we havent really been talking alot since the sep hols,but i know our friendship is still there,that i can still trust her no matter what.friends may drift but i know the trust is still there,that bond.& i believe both of us will catch up soon.i still rmbr the two times when i was out with her,how crazy it was,we jst kept walking and walking and walking,yakking away our stuff w/o paying much attention to where we actualy were or were heading.its like those kind of friendship where you can jst keep yakking about pratically anything w/o worrying or having reservations. i dont know....i jst took a liking to her personality and everything since i knew her and will,well,want to help her in whatever way i can and be there for her as a friend.i may be leaving,but one of the friends that i realy want to keep this bond with,is her,tinghui.cos its like,i know it's worth it.not like some other friendships that are based on hypocrisy and stuff.& so,i love her no matter whatever rumours that's been spreading cos its dumb.some of you dont even know her well enough to judge her.besides,i trust her.its the trust.no matter what,im not going to forget her. <3333
another person would be gerry gan.my first trainer,friend,adviser.he was the one who started my interest in filming first,teaching me the world of filming and giving me the basic opportunities to start with.he was the one who taught me to discover who i really wanted to be,where my path was going to lead to.during that period of time when i was away,he was the one who talked to me,relating his advices to his rough past and somehow,for the moment,i understood how he felt for my disaster and stuff.he showed me how different a person i could be,how we,humans,could have our own choice and our own lives,how it all depends on the different choices we make.even though he's constantly busy with his filming productions and work,i guess we'll be meeting up quite soon.thank you,gerry,for all the help you've given since the first i knew you last september.(:
sometimes i sit down& think.what are friends actually.how do you call a friend.how are you able to know that the person isnt secretly hating you inside,being irritated with you easily or whatsoever.you never know do you.whats a true friend.a true friend is someone who talks your faults with you,help you along to change.a true friend is someone who would talk to you and tell you that what you did was wrng,how you should change,to advise you and everything.a true friend would never get tired of your personality,or of your habits.a true friend wouldnt get tired of your constant depression or anything.a true friend would know when you're feeling sad or unhappy or you've got smth on your mind w/o you saying it.thats the damned definition of a true friend.for so many years,some of the friends i have,i've always thought they were my good or even best friends.now,how wrng i am.they cant fit into the description of a true friend.they talk behind my back,some secretly throwing hate vibes at me,some giving me attitude and getting irritated with me for no rhyme or reason,or either too easily.some jst cant stand me & are jst living on hypocrisy.im tired of all this fucking bullshit & i dont really give a damn anymore.i have seen true friends,not people like....you all.dont think you are who im referring to if you're not guilty.anyway,it refers to a range of people.
im happy to say i have true friends.they are tinghui,alex,changxu,karen,lifeng,irish,lin an,phylicia,teng,brian,sunny,peggy,stacy,laine,mitchell,jielin,carrie-ann & brandon.& thats all,only.one of my truest friend of all,would be goh weijia...& i cant explain what we went through in this 2 years plus of friendship and everything else.
okay,so world.i had enough.take this leave as a break for me.but true friendship nvr dies,so i wont worry.
today's loves go out to nicole,tinghui & lin an <33
&I thought...Nevermind.
well,things to update about.i ran away from home ( is that an understatement? ) whatever.anyways.life is always changing track for me,i cant predict what happens next.some random short updates coming up.
firstly im back home. ( hallelujah. ) secondly, ( thats whre the really sweet part comes in ),im going to get shipped back to taiwan end of year.awww,how sweet is it?i totally cant wait,ha ha.
yeah you heard me.shipped back to taiwan.your ears aren't failing you.dont wanna elaborate it here.anything,ask me personally,i'd be glad to rant at you.sorry if i do snap.
in this month i've been away from home,i wanna thank alot of people who has been by me,understanding what im going through.people like abygail,tinghui,mr ng,cynthia,mitchell,brian (bc ),jielin,jasmine,imee,richny...etc.
teachers who have been incredible,mr vincent tan,ms ada tan,ms karen wong,ms seah yen sin.
some specific people...
nicole ng.i never knew how close i could be with you till that time we went marina sq for shopping.we got alot close in these few wks and i want to say a big thank you.you've been there for me,no matter accompanying me or whatsoever.you've been great,hope things will stay this way between us always.lots of love <333 ( i still cant believe you saw me cry at katong. )
goh weijia.i cant thank you enough.look at what you've done for me since sec 1.you jst keep on helping me,keep on being there.but whatever it is,both you and i know....well,yeah.you read the letter.im through being so dependant on you.i cant live my life on that way and.......hmm,you know.thank you for everything,really.btw,i liked her.(: hee.she's a sweet girl,dont bully her.
brian & sunny.haiyah.you two brothers.i cant thank you two enough.you guys helped me out so much in no matter what problems i had.the bond is....amazing.i cant say enough thank you's.whatever it is,rmbr,you two are deeply appreciated in my life,i cant imagine how i would be like now if not for the both of your help & guidance for this once year plus.(: love love.
irish & teng.you guys rock my world and you guys know it.what you all have done,is more than enough.thank you,for jst being there,for accompanying me always.you guys are the best. <3
the china group.oh why the hell do i keep calling you all "china grp".sounds kinda wierd eh.anyway,it so...crazy to feel and know what you guys have done for me since march this year only.you guys help me built up my confidence,tried to find my faith with me,and always being there silently when i needed help even though i wouldnt say it.exp alex,changxu,kaileun,lifeng & lin an.thank you thank you.things would have been so different w/o you all,many things would have changed.i stood up from failure again & again thanks to you guys.you guys never cared what thought or said,all you guys cared was my welfare,that i was happy.you guys have always respected me alot and always tried to go my way.i really appreciate everything,& hope this bond between all of us will stay.
okay,enough w/all the yakking,im heading to ZOUK tonight w/ one of my best girlfriends.its been a super long time,hit the drinking : D awh,cant wait.love.
in going to start the brainwashing drinking again : D screw everything.
& afterall,there's always taiwan for me...yeah?getting shipped at eoy.cool.
kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me.
-she's everything im not.
i hope one day,i can tell it to your face that,i loved you.past tense,boy.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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