I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
i was the one who failed chem,im sorry.i didnt get an f9 though,it was an E8.but whatever it is,i really thank mr tan kee hoe.cos he keeps on encouraging me not to give up,that i can definitely do it if i keep on trying.similarly,to mr vincent tan,ms ada tan,& ms mildred yap.these teachers nvr gave up on me,offering me the best they could,even though i disappointed them once & again.exp to mr vincent tan,who has spoken to my dad quite a few times randomly over my life & everything that's been happening recently.thanks for the offer bout the laptop though,lol.you have been keeping an eye out for me,even bringing me to church,making sure im okay in class.& that,is really deeply appreciated.plus,im glad i made the choice to go church.brighton church & the people in it,like carrie-ann,elise,valencia...etc & stuff have been brightening up my day(: you teachers know my problem very well,& yeah,i really need not say more.
hmm.let's see.i am in a pretty good mood right now,cos i think of the journey home with cynthia this afternoon.& its like,she talked bout everything,that changed between us since sec 1.& everything we said were super frank.like how,both of us couldnt accept each other.but how we did,in the end.how,the 2D clique broke apart,how cliques changed.how their clique are now.& talking to cynthia,made me feel liike....she's not the same girl anymore.she really isnt.her thinking & everything has changed so much that its amazing.in the past,i use to lecture her on stuff ,now her turn to lecture me -.- & she told me "i like friendships that are not so close but not to far.like both of us.cos its like,we have our distance,we're not sticky,so we wont subconciously find faults with each other.but somehow we know when we need help,the other will be waiting there for you,w/o asking any more questions than you're willing to say." cynthia...understands me well.after all we've been through since sec 1,she has changed i guess,i have too.both of us,in a way,like she agreed,are rather alike.& as i reflected on my way to meet a friend later on,i began to realise how much truth there was in her words.granted,yes friends do get pissed off with one another in a while or so.there's nothing wrng with that.but..i guess friends should have trust.not those kind of 'keep secret' trust.but those kind of trust that....makes you know that person is a friend,simply a friend.& i totally agree with her that friends shouldnt be too close,problems would arise.it,is totally true.for me,at least,& for her.also,true,we humans dont know what we're doing sometimes.we are all hypocrital in a small way,somehow or another,as we all try to be neutral,we do get influenced sometimes.okay,there's alot more to our conversation,but some others can only be felt,not written.like cynthia said,im a 'writing' person,not a talking person,like her.i tend to write everything & rant it out.but here,is a case whre i dont know how to put it into words.
okay.today,whatever impressions i gave to some people,i apologise.
really.but i swear,i did not give the impression i meant for it to be.
yes,i was unhappy,however,only slightly,not to the extent of showing attitude.
i was jst unsure how to react in the morning seeing you all,so i did not say anything & kept quiet.then....i heard insults,rants & stuff,which i would much prefer not to elaborate.im sure you know.
also,i believe friends should accept their friends for who they really are.
i dont even think someone can change alot for a friend,or even best friend,cos even if friendship is very important,its still not significant enough to change a person or whatever he/she is,originally.if you've decided that person is your friend,learn to accept him/her.which,i am doing so now.im not blaming anyone or upset.cos i accept. cynthia was the one who made me see this fact as well.if you dont understand me,i cant blame you.cos i dont know how to express myself anymore.like cynthia said as well,some people take months to get over,some weeks.some days,but some years & take forever.but thats human nature.the more you force yourself,the more pain inflicted,the bigger the scar,you will break down mentally.you have to let go,slowly,reasonably.
tinghui told me to calm down,before thinking anything.im glad i listened to her.i sat down there,alone & i thought.she's right,i see things alot clearer when im calm & alone.another trait like cynthia,'like to be left alone sometimes.' cynthia thinks too much,so do i,as she pointed it out.so maybe it's b cos of our similarity,i understand her words,i understand her & she understand me.even though i didnt mention anything that happened today to her,she jst said everything that hit on what i should know & learn.& then vincent.he called me at like 1 in the morning,to talk to me.not to show me sympathy,but to show concern & understand whats going on in my life.even though,that ass is in university now,he still takes time off to gimme a lil bit of geog tuition here & there.& not only that,to tell me what i shld think & shouldnt.i guess fellow taiwanese's think alike huh.(:
okay,happy belated birthday changxu.^^ im sorry,i wasnt in the mood to blog this ytd.anyway.we'll all give you a huge celebration after the exams,all of us promise.im sorry i cant make it for kbox today & also last week,cos i simply have lots of things to rush up.will re-join you guys after the exams,i promise,so dont start whining that i dont really care bout you all horh! but i believe you guys will understand.
lifeng,hope your eye's fine.take care of it.
richny,cheer up.things wil get better,i promise.
tinghui,i guess friends sometimes need time to open up to someone.cos they dont know how to express it.& hey,i do come to you when i need help okay! whatever it is,cheer up.anything,you know know the usual procedure.pick your hp & start msging me.or gimme a call.im here always.<33 color="#ffff99">lin an,im super sorry i snapped at you ytd.really.
i am meeting up w/ a few long time lost girlfriends to clear some unhappiness for the past 2 weeks.& also my fellow bimbos,diane,shennie & vincent! (: going to piaa damn hard for chem tmr,i swear.i will score in the next testttt.hopefully i wont crash mr tan kee hoe's hopes in me,again.
today's loves goes out to this entire world! :D
exp tinghui,cynthia,weijia,vincent&alex. <33
&I thought...Nevermind.
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