I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
sometimes,i jst dont get the world.but hey,wait a minute,i've never given a thought bout what the world thinks bout me,so give me a reason why i should now,actually.
what i dont get is.
why doesnt anyone see me as...a normal human.
a girl who's really struggling under all the facades &pretence.
someone who' really literally on the verge of breaking down,lose control.
no one seems to be there,& no one seems to care.
i cant have a proper cry-out-loud session,cos there's no one there to lend me their shoulder for a hint of comfort.
more than once,almost everytime,i end up crying in a corner,sliding down the wall helplessly.
more than once,after crying,i end up in that corner stoning,not knowing what im thinking bout,but yet,still w/ tears running down.
many times,i get pissed off,i do mind,but why doesnt anyone seem to care bout what i think & feel.i dont get it.i dont get the fact why some friends can care so much & think bout the other when the other is angry or sad.but similarly,when it comes to me,no one bothers,& some would even get pissed off at me for being pissed.i mean,what the fuck is wrng with this world.cant i have my rights?this is getting really dumb & i think there's too much hypocrisy arnd me for me to handle.
i keep on holding myself up,smiling even though im pissed/or sad.smiling even when im afraid.to you all : im tired.i dont want to keep up with this circle anymore.i think its plain stupid.why should i care for you all so much,when apparently,neither one of you all really actually gives a damn bout what im feeling or whatsoever.im not taken seriously,im not given a thought about.many many times,i simply dont fit the category of being in this...clique.b cos my prescebce is so small,that im always the last to be informed,to be remembered about.im fucking tired,pick a fight w/ me if you want,im not a bloody pushover anymore.go on,think/do whatever you want.im game for it.lastly,im not a fucking sparetire.thank you very much.
okay look,i dont have any cold,hard statistics to back this up,but i think its safe to assume that at one pt or another,everyone must become pretty damn sick of themselves.i mean honestly,how could this not happen?how could people not grow dizzyingly,violently sick of themselves after a while?b'cos what are we really talking bout here?we are talking bout twenty-four hours a day,seven days a week.that's how much time we are forced to spend with ourselves,sleeping,eating,talking,fighting,dressing,undressing -it never stops.
i have spend every waking moment of my life with me.& the truth is,i am sick to the death of it.i can't really fathom who,in their right mind,would not be sick of me at this pt.my life,afterall,never seems to change,does it.my life really jst repeats itself over & over again in this dismal cycle : tragedy...then hope...then something very closely resembling actual happiness,& then w/o fail,tragedy again.im a tragicomic broken record -a study in numbing emotional monotony.im one very long sad-ass story that never seems to end.
until now.
now i am stating it for the record.if i could scream it to this entire pain-in-the-ass city,i would.b'cos i want everyone who has ever known me to hear this & to understand this : that i am hereby,changing my life.i am breaking the cycle.i am breaking it here & now & forever,because i believe i can,& i am going to put the mangled pieces together even if it kills me.
a new beginning.that is what i have here.that is what this is going to be for me.a new beginning with a new weiru.a weiru who doesn't bitch &moan bout her existential woes.a weiru who doesnt repeat the same fatalistic routine over & over again.a weiru who doesnt have to be nauseatingly sick of herself anymore.no more bitching.period.b cos i am so sick of it.i am sick to death of the half-assed,violent,depressive soap opera that's been shoved down my throat for the past...i dont know hell knows years.it's not a life.im not even sure what you would call whats been passing for my life.i think you'd call it "god's cruel joke." whatever it is,it doesnt matter.im telling this to whoever might be listening.
the joke is officially over.i am pressing RESET.do over.i am starting my life again.
i can walk away & im doing it,dammit.
> chinese prelims tmr,wtf.
> wake up,i've been waiting for you.
> note this : i loved you,past tense,boy.
> & tears would help to heal.
> no sleep tonightttt!
> love for your dreams.
> come baby,we ain't gonna live forever!
> in my dreams,the girl you love was still me.
> she,shouldnt exist in our memories.
> fuck,im ready to crash something.
> ...self inflicted pain makes me high.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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