I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
what nitwit started using that phrase as a fond farewell?take care?take care of what?my teeth?my cuticles?a pet gerbil?of course,a sane person would probably point out that these well-wishers simply want me to look out for myself in general.but even then,why?what the hell do they know that i dont?"you will be in danger tmr....take care!" i mean,how freaking demanding.why are they ordering me to take care of myself?if its social politeness they're after,won't it be nicer for them to offer to take care of me?
right.like that would happen.people would probably consider a wild sewer alligator more in need of concern.the real fact is.i need someone.i always did.in a way,snapping into reality was like yanking off a heavy,blinding helmet,allowing me to see how insane the world really is and how alone i really am.it's scary.lately,in my darkest moments,when i can feel the evil & despair crushing in from all directions,i've fantasized about being locked up somewhere,someplace whre i'd be safe.where others would have to look after me all the time.i've even envied those people stuck in institutions.yes,it's true.me,the supposed queen of all miss independents,actually dreamed of a rubber-room existence.it jst seemed so nice & simple.people bringing me meals,changing my bed,always talked in those hushed kindergarten teacher voices.i wouldn't have to go anywhere or do anything but watch 7th heaven reruns & make lan-yards.
but maybe i dont' need to go quite that far.maybe all i need is someone willing to look after me.someone who sees that im not all that strong &smiling as i seem.right now,i could use a lil guidance,a lil love &support.
& im thinking that someone could be you.
im in one absolute mess of a girl,damn.
okay,enough bullshit,today's 27th.
happy birthday allie : D <3 see you at the chalet laterrrrr.
chinese Olevel's on monday.
im having wierd dreams,really wierd.
im having trouble sleeping recently.
meet the parents w/ mrs lee chinese HOD on wednesday morning.shit.
retain? -.-
re-exams next next monday.
running back to sweet sweet taiwan on the 12th or 13th.(:
oh yes,congrats on your wedding fanny. =] wil be thereeee. love.
-you're the friend i thank the most,can't forget,yet don't want to think about.goodbye.
> & you're the big fat mistake.
&I thought...Nevermind.
friendship.its a scary yet wonderful thing actually.friends are undeniably,one of the most important in one's life.friends act as our strong pillars who are there to support us in times of hardship,always supporting no matter what.however.you also,can never know when a friend turns against you,when this pillar of support breaks.for all you know,this 'pillar' might be made of glass.or even plasticine,that can be easily damaged,so fragile.plasticine can change its shape according to how we mould them or maybe an accidental touch will change their shape.same goes for friendship.thats how friendship works.exactly like a plasticine.
i've gone through alot on friendship,in my opinion.i had enough seeing all the ugly sides of friendship & not too long ago,i really snapped & jst didnt care bout whatever bullshit & distanced myself.i still rmbr cynthia's words.i will nvr forget them.i've now learned.there is no such thing as a perfect friendship w/o bitching or each's own hating views bout the other.can you say that you dont bitch?even if you dont,can you say that you dont bitch bout someone ever in your own lil heart?you dont have secret hating views bout someone but you still act all good in front of that person?you cant.this,is human nature.we are all hypocrital in some way or another,no matter for good or bad.if we dont have all those ugly sides to us,oh my,this world would be perfect,everyone would be having a golden halo above their heads,good samaritans huh.total load of bull.
there is no perfect friendship that has no bitching in it or any flaw.cos that would be impossible.we humans,have our hates & likes.in some way,maybe due to irritation,the other may irk us,only at that pt of time.but after that we're okay already.why do we bitch?at times,we dont even know.thats what cynthia said to me.i didnt exactly understand her words until now.yes,sometimes we bitch even w/o knowing why the hell we do it for.is it really b cos we dislike that person?or isit b cos we're influenced by others,by other's thinking.we are all hypocrital,let's face it.
okay.i dont want to elaborate any further.bye.
&I thought...Nevermind.
&I thought...Nevermind.
i move on,whatever it is,on my own.i did it myself w/ a lil help along the way from some friends.look,whoever you are,i have been trying to change,trying to stay away from ANYONE,jst incase i ANNOY someone w/ my uh,lifestyle&actions?i give way.i give in.so dont push it too far.i have mistakes,yes.& look,its not like i've been doing anything lately to provoke.wth do i do,everyday after sch i have been rushing off to tuition & to study.thats all.its not like i interact w/ anyone or what thats why people get pissed off.i dont understand how in the world can anyone get pissed off w/ me when i dont even much talk or hang out w/ anyone recently already! so whats the pt of all this huh,telling me to change my mistakes or anything.if you dont like me,then stay away.i will do so too,dutifully.i am not that whiny,complaining naive girl i was a few weeks ago,i am not going to start my series of moans about this friend,that friend.yes,i admit that was really lame.therefore,i am changing it.
let's make lives better for everyone.stop all the stupid insults.at the most,if you realy dislike me,jst dont care bout me at all.at least then,i will get the pt.
> i'll whisper satan's words of love to you.
maybe <3
&I thought...Nevermind.
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