I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
I'm not some pai kia playful ah lian or airhead bimbo who does nothing except to talk on the phone,chat online,watch Tv,play,stay out late at night,go home only sleep/play&just don't give a fucking screw about her studies okay.
Mrs tan wants to see my parents next wk for parents day...great : ( Apparently she closes a blind eye to the fact my results for each subject is steadily rising,except for maybe,E maths lah.No effence againt you,but I just don't like maths as a while lah.Ah whatever,she even wants to talk to my parents&teach them how to monitor me.MONITOR WHAT BULLSHIT?!!It's not like i don't put in effort to study.
I've been driving myself literally crazy these few weeks to bring my grades back on track &to making my life slightly more stable/balanced.Wa lao : ( Sigh nvm,she doesnt really know me yet anyway,maybe after some time she'll finally realise how my brain works.
&SO NOW,I'M OFF TO STUDY/DO/PRACTISE AMATHS&EMATHS.
Don't say i simply dont try & jus give up on everything,&that my attitude sucks...etc.UNTRUE.I've always never failed to challenge myself day by day to achieve a higher standard. I will do better next term,i swear.Gonna clear all the messes during march hols & start out the next term in the right way.My life's going to be about nothing but just mugging on 0's,filming,piano & a few really good friends from now on.
...
Forget it.Mug people,mug hard!
Shit,i need sleep,badly. Very very drained.
This feeling of deperation crashing over me,all the emtiness within.
All you can do is watch &wonder whre thegirl you knew had gone,
&...Then you will realise that everything you did to me was wrong.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Special shoutout.
JINGYI
Hello Jingyi!(: Hope you're feeling much better after the talk & everything yeah.Thanks for being concerned about me &those words of encouragement.Yay,great minds think alike : D Just rmbr I'll be there for you anytime you need someone to talk to or anything,just gimme a call or msg me okay?Don't look down on yourself or anything,trust me,you're the best! You're a really nice &super uber pretty girl that everyone loves okay! (Sylvia&Yanting,agreed?!!) Look,I see them nodding their heads,heh.Take care okay,I'm around for you yah.^^ Lots of <3,you rock too! Keep on striving,you're strong&smart enough,you can survive this bullshit.(:
&I thought...Nevermind.
Wanzhuo : I'm really sorry for not talking to you for weeks & stuff,neglecting you.I know you say you don't mind &everything but well,I feel bad about it.I didnt know things were happening &when i read your blog just now...I was surprised at some stuff & wondered how come you didn't tell me as you usually would.Then i realized it wasn't that you didnt want to,it was cos i was never busy whenever you said "Hi" online or any other time you find me in school.I've been a bad friend,& I'm sorry.When i get my life& everything back on track,I'll dig out time solely for you,I promise.Take care girl.
There's alot of other people like...Tinghui,Justyn,Lin an,Lifeng...etc.I'm sorry for not being able to be there for you guys when you all needed to talk to me.&Rina! Cheer up girl,I'm behind you all the wayyy. : D
Oh well.I am going to pass my physics tmr,for the first time since I moved up to upper sec last year -.- I must& I cannnnn(: Be positive,weiru,come on.The thought of geog test on wednesday makes me want to cry in despair cos I still cant get the hang of physical geog,&the further thought of A maths differentiation test on friday makes me even more depressed than i already am,zzzzzz.Nvm,I'll just...do my best.At least,try.
I miss chinese lessons siah,lol.
Abby,Nicole,Changxu,Lin an,Tinghui,Lifeng,Junjie...Thanks for everything,all the advices &helping me settle down emotionally these weeks. <3 You guys are the best.
STUDY! (:
Good night people.
&I thought...Nevermind.
learn to face the joy& pain.
Discover how to laugh a little,
Cry a little,
Live a little more...
I just wanna face today,
Forget about the woes of yesterday.
Maybe if I hope a little,
Try a little more...
I'll breathe again.
Okay,stop.I'm going to contd' studying for physics & geog.Sigh,my brain is like crashing already.
Oh,&changxu says its very wierd when I act like a girl.(?!?!!) Uh,HELLO?I am a GIRL. -.- Oh dear,I expect dota drived him crazy,zzzzz.
Gonna be graduating/leaving TK &taking O'levels in like less than 6 months time.Going to be Term Two soon already,shit.
It's time to wipe the slate clean.
&Now,we're so yesterday.
So tell me,what's life going to be like w/o you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
No more letting you push my sensitive buttons anymore.
Enough of all the frenzy of stupidness I was in for you.
I guess I'm just not good enough or something,but I'll end this all w/ a fullstop here.
At least you made me smile for you once,you were a great friend I could turn to,the guy I loved.
No,sorry,still love.Present tense.
But it'll all pass someday,promise.
I'm sorry,again.For all the trouble.
Game over.
I believe,tommorow will be a better day.
It will be :D
You won't get to see the tears I cry.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Saw weijin at TM too! w/ his gf(: Awh,so sweet.He damn bad lah,bully her :( Saw eugene too,w/ his blur face,lol.Didnt get to see baoying,but she msged me to thank me for the present,which thankfully yuquan did rmbr to bring,haha.Your welcome girl!^^
RINA.
Hey girl!(: You're feelng better now right?Dont get yourself worked up over such a bitch okay,its not worth it.You see ah,she just wants to see you upset &everything,so don't give her the satisfaction of it.Why get your blood pressure high&spoil your pretty face by crying over such a stupid person w/ absolutely no morals whatsoever?Tell me if she tries anything funny like this again next time okay,i'll have the topmost honour of scratching her face for you : D &she can curse jasmine for all she want,jasmine will make her life hell,ha.Anyways,just dont care bout what she says,she's got nothing inside her to contribute at all,&since like i said,not worth it yup.Msg me if you need anything or someone to talk to,i reply my msgs 24/7 anytime,even during class =x I'm here for you always okay,rock on rina!You're the best,dont let her demoralise you or anything. <3
> I am going to study damn hard from now on!
Alison,my partner in crime. : D HAHA.
&I thought...Nevermind.
> Happy birthday cynthia&syaza! : D
> Happy belated birthday jingyi,the rose(: we should go out someday yah,take care girl!
> Me&Alison made a scene in Toy'R'Us today.LOL.the counter guy keep staring at us -.-super super super cute soft toys,haha!&we will one day buy one batch of those air balls to donate to sch^^
> School tmr : ( damn.
> Now you see me,now you don't.
> Tinghui,im here for you always,you know that. <3
> V'day 07 was hilariously memorable,it wouldn't be great w/o all of you guys.Thanks for the dinner girls,love love.Single is good man,ahaa.
> Changxu,thanks for being there,as always.
> I miss Mr Ng &Mavis tuition : (
> I have this urge to go on a huge shopping spree to de-stress siah =/
> I need food,right now -.-
> Abbbbyyyyyyyyyy.
> Enough of the mind guessing games.
> Omg,I'm so sorry ziyang,for us pangsehing you on friday when we were all supposed to go back to NAPS. =x We nagged at you to come &in the end we were the ones who cancelled it,sorry! Next time,okay,promise.
> The newer generation of girls are getting...hem hem.
> IDEAS,come on.
> Blood diamond is a fantastic movie.
> Dance,hop around thrice&fall to the floor.
> CNY is stupid/boring -.-
> 261 days more before piano proficiency performance.
> Playing happy was never &never will be my specialty.
> TOOOOO BADDD,asshole.
> &Let there be love.
Let me find my stable piece of mind.
&Sometimes,you've got to lie to make everyone happy.
I'm through w/ letting you get to me.
Bounce baby,out the doorrrrrrr!
I'm one step ahead of you in this round of the game you're trying to play,HAHA.
We shall see,DEAR.
&I thought...Nevermind.
these weeks were hectic,all the tests & amounts of hmk.i think maybe im jst too stressed up as well,resulting in me breaking down so easily like that.plus,all the bullshit problems bugging my life right now...i guess i dont blame vincent tan,ms lim ah ber &mrs tan (puiling) that i look in a horrible state.cos when i looked into the mirror this morning,i really did look like a total wreck/mess."no life/energy",lol.but im going to clear up things that are within my control,like my stupidity to get played by him over&over again.but some things which are out of my reach like....some other problems...well.like ziwen said,past is past.you are you.your family is your family.everything is a different matter altogether.
well.yeah,maybe.it's jst the stupid insecurity feeling i also have around with me,& the fear of being alone when i desperately need a hug.this dumbass trait of mine has to be changed,or else...i'll jst be wrecked by people again&again,being affected.no more being soft hearted,no more,really.
Nicole,thanks for the advices&talks for these past few days.You might think that you're just doing this cos im a friend &you care,but i don't know how to explain to make you understand how much all these mean to me.How much at this time,your prescence& advice is invaluable to me.You always had the ability to make me wake up or knock some sense into me.Talking to you always made me feel better/lighter cos you're really a rather optimistic,bubbly &"full of energy" girl,always laughing yah.(: i admire your determination &will to be strong ¬ think about stuff,&just go on as normal.i wish i could be like that too,&i'll try. <3
&I thought...Nevermind.
im not a sparetire,if i were to be with a guy,i have to be first piority,get that straight.yes,i admit.i can't let you go,but i WISH to,really.if you were thinking this whole thing to be revenge on your part in due of how i was blind to you last time,then fine.you've achieved what you wanted.so now,please,let me off.it's painful enough to have to hang out&see you every schooling day &sometimes weekends cos we're in the same clique of people.its worse when you jst ignore me or treat it as im invisible,not there.&the worst part is that sometimes you would suddenly treat me so nice like the old times,making my hopes rise uncontrollably&later you'd revert back to your usual cold tactics towards me,leaving me hanging alone like a stupid fool wondering what had gone wrong.
Thank you for the tears tonight.
&at least,i know that your sweetest smile was once for me only.
thats enough for me.
Too,thank you for lunch this afternoon.
maybe,its the last time we'll ever be able to be this way.
Thank you ziwen&lifeng for trying to talk me out,comforting me &knocking some sense into me.lifeng,im sorry you feel bad that you can't do much to help me or make me feel better.but don't be,cos you've done alot for me already,really.ziwen,thank you,for everything.
最后的微笑,有泪水滑落的线条和祝福的味道.
lovers to strangers-
&I thought...Nevermind.
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