I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
Funny feelings,unexpected moodswings&emotions...
Many things happening.
So,so,very rare,haha.
& Today,even though I slept at 5 plus this morning only,I'm in a really good mood plus very energetic.Nicole was shocked/surprised & blur at me when I suddenly turn & say "Hello nicole!" randomly in the canteeen today w/ a smile.Very surprisingly meh :/ Then straight after she asked me "Are you okay?" -.- Wa lao :( Ladeeedum.
Plenty of people weren't in school today o.O I think I'm getting the hang of mole concept already,yay.Vectors....half half,zzzz.I'm damn disappointed for my history test,wtf.
Shoutouts!
Jingyi : I want to talk to you girl : ( We need to talk so ever desperately.
Wanzhuo : Haha,'that' scene PAISEH HORH. =x
Tinghui : ...Bad gut feelings.Uh oh.
Leslie : Don't sad okay,cheer up!I'll pray for your hp to be found (:
Belinda : Thanks for T-shirt,really.Love!
Changxu : You don't be stupid okay,go off your com right now and go sleep! Stop facing the com & all the radiation that will make your sickness worse you dense idiot -.- Ugh,guys.Go sleep now lah! : (
Alex : Hello FRIEND! : D
Nicole : Girllllllllllllll.
Abby : ...All the unspoken stuff.
Hey you black butterfly,lunch tmr yo.
&I thought...Nevermind.
I don't seem to be having the drive/motivation tonight.Maybe cos I'm feeling down & tired at the same time,so I just want to go crash on my bed&sleep,then forget everything,just have a good rest.Unfortunately...I doubt so,at least,anytime much before O's i guess.
4H netball people,good job okay! : D
& Shit there's BodyJam tmr.
I dont want any accidents : ( AGAIN.
It's 1.30 in the morning now,27th March.
I've got..like four more parts to revise/restudy.Plus attempt some O levels qns for Geog TYS.
Looks like I'm going to sleep at 5 or maybe not sleep at all.
Off to mug more,sweet dreams to whoever's sleeping their asses off now.
It's been a long time I've felt this way.
This feeling of crashing down over&over again.
This helpless,lost feeling....feeling of loss,pain...despair.
...A very very,very long time ago since I remembered how it felt like.
So long ago...so far down buried that i almost forgot how bad it felt&everything.
&Now.
I'm feeling the exact same,but much...much worse.
...In fact.I've never felt any worse than I do now.
&I thought...Nevermind.
All the things...shut away.Deep down within.
Every thought,every single emotion...locked away.
Denial?
Maybe.
Thanks Nicole & Weijia for advising/cheering me up tonight : D
Nicole,I think...it's not superpowers,its....mental sickness =x Haha.Still,thanks for the talk girl,though it was super funny,LOL.Take care love.
Weijia,I'm not xmm lah!You dare punish me anything,i call her save me HAHA.I'll be fine,don't worryyyyyy okay?(:
Plenty of work to do,plenty of geog & A maths expecially plus all my self revision schedules.No sleep tonight again! Oh well. At least scripts are finally done,hurray : D Cheers.
You guys.Thanks for everything all along,all the advices,cheering up,respect,help &backing me up.No matter what happened,you guys has always been there for me.I'm sorry I haven't been there for alot of you guys recently.But everything stays the same regardless what happens.Just know that. I,haven't changed after all these bullshit. Take care you people. <3
This nagging,throbbing pain shut away,wanting to get out.
Ouch.
You drive away from my car crash of a heart.
So close,yet so far.
&I thought...Nevermind.
It says "I'm sorry."
...But I know you're not.
Don't mess me up anymore.
I won't turn back.
You,don't either.
Cos you don't know what your own heart wants,you can't understand.
&You don't hear the pain I've felt all these time.
Over&over again.
One time too many.
I won't...be her susbstitute.Anymore.
&I thought...Nevermind.
In the end,I still didn't manage to sleep early last night.Damn.
Mrs Poh called me today & talked to me about extra geog lessons arrangement with her cos ms yap isn't around.I can't believe it,she's so...helpful even though I'm not her student & never was.She was like "Study before you come see me on monday ah,although I know you probably already started a few weeks ago" -.- heh heh.She's so damn nice,omg.Thank you so much Mrs Poh,going through all the trouble for me &making arrangements for my geog.
Piano was good today,I feel much better in whole already.Called lifeng to ask where he was then he said he was at parkway with belinda (his godmum) & I was like " I'm in parkway too" LOL.Yeah,met them at fish&Co for a while cos they were having lunch there w/ some other band members after their band.I replaced the necklace present already,oh well.
I'm still abit...unfazed.Okay nevermind.
原来，偶尔还是会想起的.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Wtf,go to hell go &die.
DIE,you hear me.Bloody faggot.
Lifeng,thanks for everything.You've been my best support all this time through out. : D Love.
This,is for Tinghui.The one & only love of my life(:
Hey girl.I'm glad we cleared things up a lil &I'm sorry I doubted our friendship & everything.I know I shouldnt have said some of the things I said...Sorry.I just want you to know that I will be there for you anytime you need anyone,just like before okay?I've always been& will always be around,expecially for you,I'll make time.Take care girl,you're improving &I'm proud of you.Keep it on,I'll be behind to support you no matter what decisions you make.Glad you're feeling a lil better,one of the best girlfriends I ever had. <3
I'm gonna get some sleep tonight,it's the weekend!Hooray man.Wait,tmr got ss early morning -.- Sigh,script is so messy at the moment,&I'm totally zonked out.Thanks jian for coaching me geog^^
&I thought...Nevermind.
& I still feel like absolute crap.
Gave some people the attitude today...moodswing turned worse after recess.Sorry lifeng,that I ignored you when you asked if I was okay.I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone or even see...anyone.
But no matter,I'm feeling much better than I did a few days back already &everything.I know some of these people are probably never going to see this...but well.
Thank you,wanzhuo firstly.You always asked if I'm okay &nag at me to rest/sleep/eat...etc.Everytime even when I said I was fine,you would shake your head & ask me not to fake strong,&that i must take care of myself.I'm sorry I've been such a lousy friend to you &everything,for not being there for you when you needed me,for not having enough time to talk to you...etc.You've never minded &i know that you &lifeng always talk about how I am & how to make me feel better &stuff.You ah..... :/ Thanks so much girl,you made me feel better today with your jokes,incessant chattering& spastic doings(: Our two artwork cans! Two for the price of one,seventy cents! : D Hehe.Thanks for buying jelly for me when you saw me at the table,how tired I was & how..."depressed'' you said I looked.Thank you,too for calling up lifeng once you saw me in that state to ask him bout what happened to me &asking him to go find me &talk to me so that I would feel better to whatever you think was bothering me.All these small actions on your part just to make me feel better,makes me smile &feel comforted to have a friend like you.Thank you,once again wanzhuo.Love!
@#$@*~!!!!! & wtf,GOH WEIJIA YOU HAVE NOT BEEN REPLYING MY EMAILS YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID PIG! : ( I am going to slaughter you & chop you into pieces then cook in curry to eat the next time i see you,HAHAHAHAHAAA.
&I thought...Nevermind.
This is so absolutely crap.
Dazed...dazed..dazed.dazed.
I prefer BodyCombat to BodyJam.
But Body Jam is fun though : D Sebastian likes to pick on me siah,wa lao.
Ms Yap has gone for her operation already,sigh.I'm going to pray for her to get well&come back soon,which would be at least another four weeks later :/ which...= my geog is screwed for MYE's & the following tests these few weeks.Okay,basically for the whole of term 2.Probably an f9,again -.- A grade I haven't gotten for geog for very long ever since Ms Yap started extra coaching me,sigh.I don't want to know the disappointment I know she's bound to get when she comes back & sees my geog so screwed up :( Nevermind,I'll try my best to work something out.
Oh,&my gut feeling was right,the relief teacher IS Audrey chen o.0 My sec 2 form/geog cher.Reunion siah.LOL.
Just go
I gave you my word and I promised to love you
Go, it's over
You had your chance
Just go
There's nothing inside me that still feels connected to you
To me you're already gone
Ouch.
Stop making me feeling like everything I do is dumb,useless &foolish.
You are unbelievably ridiculous.
Point taken,so shut up.
I'm studying at the moment see,
&You're not affecting me.(:
Not.at.all.
Big question mark,white blank.
Deep hollow emptiness inside.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Now,what's wrong.This friendship is falling apart& I don't know why.
Feeling very very black today.
Maybe it's just monday blues of school reopening,I don't know.
Everything's like...screwed up on the first day back to school,& I feel like shit.
But tommorow will be a better day : D
Wanzhuo,I'm so sorry I can't make it tommorow to lunch with you : ( Really sorry I have to cancel it.I promise I will make time for us to go out to lunch one day ASAP okay girl?One day after MYE's,you me & huilin,we three all go out together okay : D Love! Thanks for always looking out for me& being concerned all the time.
Jingyi, : (
You say hello,inside I'm screaming I love you.
你说我是你的全部,你凡事都以我为中心.
但你的个性就如风一般,
而风...又怎么会有中心呢?
&I thought...Nevermind.
Ugh,honestly.
School is reopening tmr :( Which is bad cos school reopening after march hols will be absolute hell,cos from tommorow onwards,it'll be real hectic studying &focusing on O's already.No time to lose,vroom vrooommmmm.Mickey's ticking.
There isn't much time left,anymore.
Time doesn't feel like time anymore in sec four o.0
Chem test tmr&Physics practical test,shit.Tan kee hoe,please don't kill me if i screw this test up can. =/
Geog test in week two which is absolute shit cos I understand nothing on monsoon weathers & stuff.
I need a haircut,period.
& I need time.
...I feel like I've been screaming&running all my life.
Sigh,I'm sorry guys.Really.
You're right,I've changed.
...Sorry.
I promise,I'll be back.
Give me time to re-settle things &balance myself
I'll make it up to you all.
&I thought...Nevermind.
只为等你的出现.
唤不醒原来还跳动的画面.
就让我留在轮回的边缘
等一道光线
看见某年某月我门之间
曾经说过的语言。
就让她带走你的那瞬间
成为我们的纪念.
谁能发现我的世界
曾经有过你的脸...
ZOO?!!!?!!??! OMG,you guys are crazy.
See lah,who's the childish one now =x Last year i whine whine complain so much say want to go zoo you all scold me CHILDISH :( Now,SEE?!!
AH! CHILDISH.Mwahahaaaa : D
Idiots -.-
&I thought...Nevermind.
...No,as in really FUCKING PISSED.
______can go screw up&down for all I care.
I'm washing my hands of it,I'm not even going to bother anymore.
So yes,please note I'm only attending the party on tuesday bcos of ulterior motives.Don't be stupid.
Urgh,to hell w/ all of this.
Thanks Jingyi for talking to me ytd night.Love girl : D
&Weijia!Thanks for the email yah,I was super surprised.Take care of Baoying okay!(:
YESSSSS,Thank the heavens,Lifeng&Belinda are officially BACK,since ytd night ^^ Missed them alot over the last weekend.
Oh,&Alison flies off to HK today. :(
Then Kaileun,when you coming back ah?Wait,I just remembered he's in HK too. o.O
Please,understand me.
&Don't take it this way...come on.
I'm sorry.
It's really good to hear from you again,too.
I guess there's never really a right time to say goodbye,isn't there?
&I thought...Nevermind.
I have no idea what to say to you anymore to make you feel better,really.I can understand how you feel,but there's no pt,girl.Sigh.Please take care of yourself,& just know that I'll be there for you whenever you need someone.
Rina
Hey,girl.I hope you're fine &everything okay.I'm sorry I've been so busy w/ all my stuff these days that i havent found time to talk to you : ( I know it's been hard on you&you've been strong all the while up till now.So keep it going yeah! We'll both make it,regardless of whatever bullshit that's going to come or way.Have faith in yourself,cos I believe in you^^ I'll be there for you anytime,just like how you've been there for me even when I had my facade on.(: You rock! : D
I would like to say a special Thank You to Richny ,here as well.I know you're probably gonna be damn surprised when you see this,but well...nevermind.I owe you a huge explanation man,there's so many things that I kept from you while you comforted me whenever you felt that I was down.You listened to all my ramblings,gave me advice &tried to cheer me up always.& I feel like a mega bitch for feeling that way as i did towards you,but i promise I'll explain everything to you someday.Really.Thank you so much for everything still,girl. <3
&I thought...Nevermind.
&Will smith is such a fanstastic actor,as I watched him cry in one scene in the toilet when they had nowhere else to live,I cried as well,omg.It's like...it's all so real,his eyes turned all red,the veins in his eyes were all seen clearly&could tell he was really trying hard to hold back tears but it still fell.That's the standard of his acting,it's crazy,believe me.His son who played his son in the movie as well is...superb i tell you,so damn cute,awh (:
Very tired.Shopping addiction siah,Abby : ( I super lazy to go out already but then...well.Mm.Tommorow is a super hectic day,sigh.I hate days where I have to run around places from time to time,so irritating don't you think so.
Tinghui,I can't do much to help you anymore honestly.All i can do is to let you see how blind all these is.Just stop&think for a while.Think about everything,every single thing that happened since he entered your life.I can't do anything anymore,all i can do is to be there for you.But there's no pt if you don't really actually listen.It's dragged on so long girl,now only you can save yourself,&no one else.But rmbr,I'll always be beside you to help,pull you along down this road anytime.
Anytime. <3
&Maybe I won't look back.
Your eyes are a mirror of the heart inside of you,don't you know?
...I've seen the answer that your heart reflects.
&I thought...Nevermind.
I miss you so.
&To me,it's been three months since you've left changed,&walked out of my life as a different person.
So tell me now,is this time just a detour...
Again.
I've finished all my A maths hols hmk plus ten over extra qns from A maths TYS to be passed up to halilah in separate book! : D YESSSSSS.
Okay lah,I guess i'm not stupid after all when I really have time&sit down to concentrate to do.Just that I take a damn long time to finish few qns &get them all correct,zzzzzz.
Shit lah,why can't holidays be extended to two weeks -.- Can i self declare another week of extra hols?Hehe.
Platinum BIG AH.Don't be so arrogant.Pfffffftt.No originality &plently of backbone help given.So don't act all high&mighty.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Macs'hot milo in the morning.
You.
Weijiaaaaaa.Must make time for xmm lah,wa lao :(
YOU THINK YOU FUNNY AH LAINE.
Okay,no not funny -.-
&I thought...Nevermind.
Shut up,stop coming in &out of my life as &when you like.
Don't mess me up again,please.
March hols = More time to PIAAAAA.
I have no desire to go out,at all.
Sigh.
&I haven't slept for four days in a row straight.
Yawn,I'll grab some sleep later,
if i still feel tired by then -.-
I'll miss ms yap if she isn't gonna be arnd next term.Thank you for all the encouragement&extra time put in for me.^^
Shoutouts
Rina! Appreciated : D Remember I'm here for you anytime alrighte,it'll be fine.
Abby ah.Please do take care of yourself,&we'll both work hard&get through 0's together.(: You&your stupid drawing of the girl&the balloon -.-
Tinghui,loveeeeeeeee.
Lifeng,you&belinda will be missed :(
Jingyiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. :(
&Thought you should know,I've tried my best to let go of you,but I don't want to.
Just go,I give you my word,&I promise to love you.
If anyone sees him,please,tell him I miss his smile.
...
Shut up,weiru.Stop it.
Ouch.
&I thought...Nevermind.
A few weeks ago,I'm damn sure the whole world knows about how I fell down during P.E playing netball &scratched both knees damn badly,elbow,shoulders...&face.Until now face still got mark.The 'third world war' country person image -.-
& NOW.
...I sprained my lil fourth toe of my right foot during Body combat.
Good Game man,honestly.
Zzzzzz.It's like,I've never fallen down &scratched myself,I've never sprained any part of myself before,&this year in just a few short weeks,I've accomplished both for the first time in my life.(?!!!) Tell me how wierd it is.Maybe it's cos I havent been sleeping...I guess.
Shit lah.Everything damn screwed up.
No,wait.I cleared my geog though! I love mildred yap man,she's like the most fantastic teacher,really.Besides her temper flarings &sharp tongue lah,of course.
I failed my A maths horribly thanks to really dumb careless mistakes,I can't believe I was so careless,I feel like killing myself.A maths &E maths confirm both each F9 already lah.
& HELLO PEOPLE.We need to get a headon w/ the scriptttt! Mickey's ticking,dears.
...It's like I keep studying &studying like crazy every day until wee hours in the morning without any sleep for many continuous days.All the studying goes inside my heard,filling up the hollow emptiness&sense of loss within me.It's like...a feeling of self fufillment that makes me feel,whole i guess.
But I'm tired.
So very tired.
I'm sorry I can't stop.
I just can't stop,cos I'd have time to think then.
&I'm afraid if i stop even for a moment....
I'll die.
&I thought...Nevermind.
This is getting so incredibly stupid.
&Look here asshole.
It's been so long,I've tried too many times to count,& all I met was your wall of cold ignorance&indifference to me.
FINE then.
I'm throwing away every single bullshit we ever had,including the friendship you idiotic faggot.
You're making me do this.
When I get over you,don't come to me w/ that "Oh,Let's start from friends again" smile.
No.Such.Thing.
You had a chance for months to make your choice,too bad.
Well,now you've lost that privilege.
Cos' I'm walking away,from you.
Everything comes w/ a price.
If forgetting,throwing away the friendship we ever had could make me get over you,I will.Cos anyway,you don't even value the friendship we had,isn't it?
But when I'm done dumping it all emotionally,there'll be no such thing as 'friendship' existing in my dictionary w/ you.Cos I'd have cancelled all the friendship feelings i used to harbour w/ you too.
So now i've made my bloody pt clear.
Go on,hide all you want,run run!
Run as far as you want,
Really.
I don't care anymore.
No,I'm too tired to care.
I'm through w/ letting you get to me.
Checkmate.
HAHA.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Falling in love simply consists merely of uncorking the bottle of imagination &shutting down our common sense.
See the white flag?
I surrender.
You win the game.
You've successfully wrecked me.
Inside out.
I miss tinghui like crazy. :(
Jingyi,my walking diary! We'll make it,&shineeeeee man.Way to go girl,We ROCK.HAHA. :D Yes,we don't need a guy by our sides to be pretty yah.
&Alison is SUPER CUTE.
Good luck to those people at cohort camp in pulau ubin at the moment...probably being food to the hungry mosquitoes there o.0
Happy birthday Miswan! (:
Nicole,lunch date tmr,& study date after geog lesson on sat morning.Sweeeeet.
&I havent slept for two fucking days.
Amaths,shit.Screwed already.
I'm holding on,I really am.
&I thought...Nevermind.
You don't understand,I swear.
... ...
Forget it.
I'm sick,tired,&drained of life cos of all the bullshit happening in my life.
I dont need your on&off attitudes again at this moment.
&So the pretence goes on huh.
If you can,I can too.
I'll do it even better.
Don't worry,I won't let the problem between us affect our clique of friends.
Even if it does,
It's definitely your side of the problem.
I've done everything I could.
I've given everything I have,tried,put in my full effort,to keep it going,to at least keep the 'friendship between us...
For you.
What did i get in return?
Nothing.
Zip Zero,NOTHING.
No wait,oh,i got a whole lot full of emptiness,tears & heart aches.
Thank god I passed my re-test &didn't get retained,or else I'd be in the same class as you this year,&it would have been so much more messier.
Much more.
I'm sorry.
Please,this isn't easy for me...
I can't contd keeping up this act &everything anymore.
I.Just.Cant.
No more games boy.
No more.
4H'07,come on people buck up! Don't let the teachers demoralise us any further alrighte.Find the class spirit &just do our best for 0'levels.At this pt of time,nothing should be in our way towards it.Nothing.
Tan kee hoe is damn mean siah : (
Okay,I was wrong.
Thanks Mrs Tan^^
A maths test tmr,I'm off to mug.
At least,try to pass =/
Sigh.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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