I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
Very very drained&grumpy today.Hmm.
&Abby.I'd rather stay this way,being lost & messed up rather than find my way ( which i have a gut feeling will lead me backwards,you know what i mean ).So therefore,I'd rather be in denial & everything rather than fall back &then everything turns worse,probably.I would feel alot worse than i do now even.
I'm sorry I gave you the attitude today,&even when you purposefully walked past me & bothered to say "Hey..." (Even though it sounded very uncertain on your part,probably cos you thought i was still upset over it) ,I still didn't say anything,just giving you a half hearted smile.
Just know that it was nothing really personal towards you. ( Even though I guess I know what you were thinking cos of things that happened between us. )
Anyway,I'm fine already.It's over,gone,past.
Everything has been said & done,there's nothing left between both of us.
& Yes,friends.
We will start as friends,all over again.
So at this moment,
Let's start by saying Goodbye.
& Hello.Welcome back,friend. (:
But you have probably no idea how much I miss you.
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A certain Melvin Goh ______.
I feel as though I'd die any moment of this pain, ---from one half to two years ago.
What's left is just remembrance & fragment of those memories.
Looks like I haven't stopped learning how to not rely/depend on you,even until now.
It's high time that I do start learning before things get worse or I start falling back.
Everything has changed.
Nothing's the same anymore.
At then,who would have known that one &a half to two years later...
-Now.
&I thought...Nevermind.
I need to blog tonight cos I'm feeling so fucked up that I'll probally start blasting my usual really bad trantums in a moment or two.
I know this is a really bad time for emotions to be fluctutaing...but,well.
Impt Note : I suggest everyone to actually not read what I'm going to be blogging below actually.Exp Bgf ah gong ( If you happen to come across my blog again. )
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Seems like I haven't forgotten.
Somehow,the past still follows me around like a shadow,& I can't shake it off.
I've been having dreams & been thinking alot about the past,recently.
I'm sorry,but I have.
The past,that I thought I've forgotten a long long time ago.
Afterall,it's been a year plus to two since everything happened already.
It's been so long...yet unknowingly I'm still stuck onto old habits of listening repeatedly to songs like "The queen&the soldier" , "Blind",which holds a certain significant value to me.
I still do sit at the same place at Pw Mos alone,remembering.
Bugis elevator,toriQ,charlie & the chocolate factory & many other things.
Opened the box yesterday.
Read that letter you wrote,dated one & a half year back.
Cried.
...& cried.
Somehow,the pain feels so real&so deep inside,like as though it's only yesterday that you left.
& the images of us in the past keeps replaying in my eyes.
The way you made me feel...
I never felt quite the same way as I did with you after that all this time.
July 23,11.45 pm.
...
This just wouldn't do.
I can't.
Ouch.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Playing like a record over &over again.
Realization&fear.
Thank you Mr Ng.
I love you,Abygail.You keep holding on too,take care.
&Jingyi,thanks for the support.(: You're the love.
Thanks,Jian.For being there all the while recently.
I love Mrs Poh for making extra time whole heartedly for me to teach me geog even though I'm not her student.Thank you.
What if I don't make it.
The question remains.
Cos I can't take it.I refuse to break down.I won't let it happen.Even if the reality is that I can't make it,I will do everything to make it.I must.
There's no time or room for mistakes&failure,anymore.
I'm sick,tired&fedup when at this stage,I still can't do many difficult sums despite all the massive practise & studying.
...Half a year to go.
WILL BE ON HIATUS UNTIL MYE'S ARE OVER.
Goodbye world,for now.
Take care everyone,study hard &good luck for the upcoming MYE's.
Will be back.
...Until then.
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When you walk away,I count the steps that you take.
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone,
the pieces of my heart are missing you.
When you're gone,
the face I came to know is missing too.
When you're gone,
all the words I need to hear to always get me through the day,
and make it okay...
I miss you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Just got off the phone with Changxu cos he's gonna sleep.
&Both of us agrees that Jiadong is our entertainment.HAHA.
Thanks for everything Changxu : D
& Also.
Thanks Lin yi for the talk just now.Painful,yes.Very painful.It's fucking painful.Lol.So now you know.Sigh.
Jingyi,way to go love! We'll make it for 0's : D Anytime girl.
I think my Geog,A maths,Ss & Physics for mid year is pretty screwed up ¬ up to my standards.Shit.I give myself break after MYE from 10th to 20th,to play/go crazy & everything,Changxu says I'm out of my mind & I sure know how to let myself rest siah :/ Eh whats wrong with my schedule hur hur hur hur hur.
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Haha.Expected.Nevermind.
I wish you knew.
&Only know that you turn back,then you realise that I've been here standing,waiting...all this while,.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Im starting to really like vectors.Heh.It's pretty fun once you get the hang of it afterall.
Some shoutouts!
Jingyi&Yanting : Yeah,winners.(: They're not worth the time,trust me.
Justyn : Goobjob,she's not worth it.I'm proud of you,keep it up!
Nicole : Hey,hope you're fine.Maybe find some time to go out after MYE's?Love.
Tinghui : Take care you,we'll be catching up real soon. <3
Abby : Great to see that you're slowly coping.I'll always be here.
Weijia : ...I'm sorry.
Alison : Aye.I'm so sorry I've neglected you so much these few weeks.I promise that we'll catch up after MYE's okay?
Rina : It'll be fine,hang on in there.^^
Jian : You'll find your way through everything.Someday,sometime.But hopefully soon.(:
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Apology accepted,you.
...I need time,sorry.
Just so you know,I meant it.
I miss you.I really do.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Wanzhuo,don't get influenced.Please.
Changxu is the most guai one out of all! : D I knew he was dependable,ahaaa.
I've been a bad mood the whole day today,down...most likely.
But I've been trying to press down the feelings of insecurity & glumness since afternoon.
Congrats &goodjob Jian! I knew it (: Now,you need to STUDY,you ass.
-------------------------------------------------------------
You're such a disappointment.
Over&over again,you told me lies,broke your promises.You know i don't like people who smoke,&i've always been pretty happy about the fact that you're not a smoker despite that the rest of them were mostly heavy smokers.Yet...you did,tonight.Plus,you got yourself all drunk &gabbling rubbish from time to time...again.
If it was really so painful,why did you even do all those to me in the first place.Then when i leave,you reverse back.The point is...?I don't get you.&I guess I never did & never will.
Have you ever gave a fucking shit about how I would feel.
...Oh I'm sorry.I guess I'm in no position to say these anymore.
I'm nobody to you,now.
&I'm fucking sorry that i ever cared,or still care so damn hopelessly much about you.
When you're obviously worth not even a millisecond of my time.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Happy birthday lifeng,you've been my best support all this while.Love.(:
Thanks...Ziwen,Changxu&Kaileun. : D Thanks for everything guys.
Nicole,take care girl.
Jingyi,be strong,I'll be here. <3
Abby,you know what I'm gonna say &what I think.I believe in you dear.
MYE's inching closer&closer.
Looking forward to a 2 week short break after MYE's before returning into studying mode again.Promised to watch spiderman 3 & pirates of carribean 3 with the china usual group.Can't wait.
It's one am now.Going to study a lil chem for test on monday.
Goodnight people.
&I thought...Nevermind.
I refuse to screw up this MYE.
& I goddamn won't.
Finally things seem to be aiming for a good turn.
Good job.
Stressed.
Panic,air getting thinner,hard to breathe.
Bottled up,on &on,never stops.
Demoralised,being dissed at.
Worrying.
...&worrying.
I need faith & confidence.Now,where did they go &how come I don't remember when i lost them?
...Or maybe i never had them in the first place.
I fucking feel weak & totally useless.
Buck up weiru,hold on.Just hang on,it'll be over soon.
&I thought...Nevermind.
I mean it.
Don't.You.Dare.
Oh,didn't I tell you?
I'm not going to look back anymore.
Never.
So let's just call it even when I'm walking out the door.
What goes around,comes around.You should know that by now.
So here's my resolution,I'm letting go.
Goodbye,you.
I'm in a generally pretty good mood today,keke.Maybe like what weijia says,recovery? (?!!?) Or maybe it's just the beginning of denial-ism.Hur hur,nevermind.
&I finally understood how he felt that time.A year back,I couldn't understand what he was feeling,couldnt understand why he could just so easily say he's tired & give up on us...a period of time even being angry with him.
But now i know.
Cos I'm feeling for 23 stars the same way as bgf did towards me that time.
A whole mass shitload of emptiness & disappointment is all that's left.
Nothing else,numbness.
Ouch.
Jasmine,I do not want a squeaking/squealing 'mouse' sitting behind me in class tmr horh :/ My godz.
Jingyi,I'll be behind you all the way love. : D Anytimeeeeee;
Weijia,you stupid ass never wait for me! &@%^$*@%~
Okay I'm going to contd mugging for geog settlement test tmr.I miss ms yap : / Sigh.History source based was a sucker,I can't believe i screwed it up,it's like one whole big chunk below my nomal standard,fuck.I probably wasn't in an "analysing'' mood that day.I'm so damn fucking tired at the moment,not cos of lack of sleep,but ...nevermind.
Nothing but an empty page.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Did you think that I would look the other way
Yeah,you had it all figured out
But tell me who's the one who's crying now
...&Now i can breathe again,I'm never going back to you.
I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say.
Nothing inside me feels connected to you,anymore.
Abby,I love you girl.You know that <3 color="#ff0000">Jingyi,you're gonna be damn proud of me man,haha! (: Love.
This is to a beloved friend of mine,Tinghui.
I feel like shit,making you worry &everything.After I saw your blog post,I felt so... upset with myself cos you're there worrying about me while I'm being a bitch not telling you so much stuff.I'm sorry I've been such a lousy friend &that I can't always find the words to say.I've come to a point where...I have no words to explain myself anymore,cos those words are lost.All that I'm left with is a whole shitload of 'feeling like crap'.I can't say/express it,but I can feel it.I'm sorry I haven't been there for you recently,& for a moment I even felt that we were drifting apart.But now I see that the problem lies with me.I love you,& please know that I will always be there for you no matter what too.I miss the old times,where we first knew each other &we could just talk about anything,literally.We've both changed over these months,but you've been the love of my life,supporting me all these while,standing by my side when everyone just left me.You've been great,&although I'm turning out this way...I promise you that I'll be fine someday.&As soon as possible. <3
&I thought...Nevermind.
But the truth remains,you're gone.
I'm tired.
How many times have you come in &out of my life anyhow you liked?
You never gave a shit about how I would feel each time you left me hanging.
To you,you know that I would always be here so that's probably why you can don't feel anything,treating me this way.
I dont know anymore though,this time.
In case you haven't noticed,I'm not your playdoll or her substitute.
So, go figure.
...Ugh.&Also,it's funny to see how hypocrital some girls can get when they have a motive.
Crashing...crashing,crashingggggg'
I miss you.
I really do.
Ouch.
&I thought...Nevermind.
I don't understand...how a person once so close to you,could just turn his back & forget about everything that happened.
Friendship = zero.
Suddenly,even the past doesn't seem real anymore.
I know I'm not &never will be good enough.
I feel...inferior to her.
But...at least.Give me credit for being the actual one who has been standing here for you all this while.
...If only you could see it.
But maybe you'll never understand.
You never did anyway,didn't you.
Everything is just so fucking ironical.The more I think about it,the more I want to burst out in cold laughter.
Crashing crashing crashinggggggggg'
I don't want to crash down like I did.
I know the feeling & I recognise the symptoms.
The symptoms are showing again this time round,
but I've learnt my lesson&I'm going to be strong willed enough to hold on.
I won't,will not let myself crash down...again.
Not if I can help it.
Thanks abby,for your whole day company today.Love.(:
Oh,Thanks Jian old ah pei for the attempting to cheer me up,hur hur.
All this pain...emotions.I'm swallowing every bit of it inside.
&There it'll stay for as long as I can take it.
&I thought...Nevermind.
To just get away from this world,a long good break from all the shit happening &just have some time to ourselves.
Tinghui,thanks for the talk today,I felt better& more...open.So now you know,all the insecurity...I love you girl.For everything <3 Some friends are worth the piority given to them,some aren't cos they obviously don't give a shit at all.
I can't put how I feel into words anymore,everything bottling,compressing inside.It's like this monster inside,dying to get out but the doors of my willpower has locked it so tightly &now it's suffocating real badly.I feel like just forgetting everything,& just to the middle of a huge road & just breakdown & cry there.Forget the world,forget the noise,forget who I am,forget everything.
&just feel the real pain that's been kept away deep down for all this time.
Denial.
&I thought...Nevermind.
You think you cute ah!!?!?!!
What michael jackson thingy,wa lao,still laughing ah you,you you you.....stupid guy! : (
Not funny! :/
Wa lao,you also Changxu,stop laughing! : ( It's not funny,&you're not helping you dense idiot gah =/
Why is like everyone laughing tonight -.-
I forgot it was April fool's today shiatttt.
Tinghui you stupid woman,you gave me a damn big heart attack can,you can gena damn bad eh,collaborate against me : (
NOW EVEN WANZHUO IS LAUGHING/BULLYING ME WTFFFFF.
Not funny! Don't want talk to you already bleagh.
AH THE WHOLE WORLD IS DRIVING ME NUTS TONIGHT.Grrrrrr.
You,write the ending for this.
Two hours,& time started 9.40.
It's 11.10 at the moment.
30 minutes more to go.
&We shall see.
This,is the last time.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Uh,I can take care of myself well ^^ Don't woryyyy.
Thanks anyway.Really,for everything all this time.
Okay.
So now why does like,the whole entire world think that I can't take care of myself?
This so does not make sense.
Not at all.
I think I've disappointed you again,Weijia.Maybe you thought I had more to who I was,& that I wouldn't be so stupid...Sorry.
There's a few people I want to talk to...but I dont have time,they don't have time.....or either when I try to tell them,I find that I don't know how to start without feeling like crap all over again,and how to explain the things &shit I felt.Sigh,nevermind.
I wish you cared more,girlfriend.
Cos I feel like I'm a sparetire friend to you,
like when there's no one on your piority favourite list who is available,
then you'd come to me.
It's not that I mind too much actually,as long as you still treat me as a friend &I still can be there for you.
But I dont like this feeling at all.
Not one bit.
Oh,Jiadong,You owe me lunch dammit. :/
Tinghui seems to be high tonight,good sign(:
It's 5plus in the morning at the moment.
Sweetdreams to whoever's sleeping on their comfy beds now.
That avril lavigne 'girlfriend' song of hey hey you you is stuck in my head dammit.
Ugh! -.-
Do I still matter to you?
Or...Did I ever matter to you from the start,or was I just a substitute all along?
I need to know...
Just to at least have a piece of mind to let go of you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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