I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
Anyone,please.
I'm sorry but I don't know if I can keep up this act how much longer.
Playing happy was never & will never be my specialty anyway.
To just crash any moment.
Anytime.
Nevermind me.I'm just moodswinging.
Oh,& indulging in extreme selfpity I suppose.
_________________________________________________________________
Just one good cry.
Really.That's all I need to let out the tiredness,stress,pain & then to pick myself up again.
Tonight.I'll be over & done with it.
&I thought...Nevermind.
& So we're dropping the whole project cos there are hitches here & there in the script & we're all brainstuck.It's no one's fault cos even if we did continue,the film is probably going to suck cos we're all seeing it as a burden,a task to get it over & done with asap.Which is not the way.Film doesnt deserve to be treated this way,& I guess in a way we shouldnt abuse it.
It's not about the piorites or the committment at all.
That's all just bloody excuses.
I just dont see the passion,that simple.
The drive is gone,the love for film is missing,the motivation we all need is not there.Everything's going the wrong way,this isn't supposed to be something that's so...stressing.So why continue?I know you all think that I'm pissed or unhappy with it.The fact is I'm not.Yes,I was pissed yesterday cos I just left for toilet like a few minutes & when I came back,I get this bombshell.Try being in my shoes & you will know how upset you would be,& there's the feeling of like,conspiracy.I suppose I was selfish in a way earlier,cos I was upset that this whole film thing is to be dropped just like that,when it might be the last chance I might ever get to do film again.Filming,the thing that isn't just a hobby for me,it's an attachment,it's inside me cos it makes me feel alive.It's something I really love to do that comes from the heart,it's not a 'work'.But i know (as gerry pointed it out), that film is like an open book,something full of emotions& life,it can't be forced or it'll suck.It'll be a sin to confine something so natural & real,even if we hang ourselves a thousand times over & over again,it just wouldn't do.Anyway you get my whole pt.
...Whatever.
I'm fine now cos I think since its going to suck even if we do it,so I suppose it's better to drop it now.Dont mind me,I'm just highly disappointed.
It's just a difference in ideology & passion.
& Now,give it all for prelims & O'levels cos that's all we have left.
As for me,since this connection to film is being forsaken,I'll be retreating from this world permanently into a world of my own & just me only with my own piorities.
...So good luck,&hope we're all still alive when we see each other again after O's.(:
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Sorry that I snapped at you last night & thank you for being understanding. (Jian)
Sorry Lifeng,that Im not in the mood today to go out or anything...but I promise that I'll get a day out free for you this hols k.
Thank you for hearing me rant rubbish just so I could let out my fustration last night. (Jasmine.)
&I thought...Nevermind.
Jingyi,be strong k.We'll prove them wrong,& remember,I'm here if you need anything,anything at all.I love you,take care dear.
Will miss all those who are going overseas or went back to their countries.Ashley's coming back tmr,yay.(: Changxu & Kaileun,hui xiang ni men de laaaaaaa.
Forget it,let's just drop it then.
...It's okay.
This is the end of it.
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Where d'you go,I miss you so.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Feeling repulsive & the hard disappointment is eating into me.
No way is this kind of disguisting,eyesore thing going to be seen,ever again.
First time in four years of Sec sch,but it won't appear a second time.
This is a promise I'm making to myself.
& Don't give up on me when I haven't,please.
I'll be MIA'ing from this world &whatsoever that'll be going on until 0'levels are officially done & over with.
So from this moment on,goodbye.
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I'm sorry I have to do this.Thank you for the support & understanding.
But maybe next time.
Not now.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Family ties/kinship forsaken,morales forgotten & lo& behold,the era of survival of the fittest takes over.It's like a game of predator & prey,where if one is not strong enough to withhold its own stand,the person instead would be stepped on mercilessly,given no second chance to be recover.Still,even so,there's a constant fear in everyone that there is someone above them,regardless how much power they already have.There's no definite reigning absolute power,& that's where the danger comes in.
Human natures are generally like a windvane,they change direction according to the changing world which is like the wind.This society we live in now,has changed to something so deformed,that it's absurdly ugly.We're all part of this mass masquerade party,where you can't differentiate between the real & the fake.
....................Okay nevermind.
I have no idea what rubbish I was talking above.
It was just some thoughts,some questions i was asking myself when I came across some friendster profiles of people.
Just a thought,really.
Me & Alex both want to study physchology! Whoo.
Yeah,let's all try to go Canada k.Accompany Changxu anyway.I'll probably be the latest in going there : ( Gah,no fair no fair no fair no fair.Nevermind,I've got Alex staying until JC finish,bleah you all.
Cornflakes are the love ayeeeee.
3 am in the morning at the moment,I'm still stressing myself over the geog mye paper & the answers for every qn.So...
Good morning starshines,the earth says hello! : D
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It was you,who chose to end it like you did.
If I can't be your everything,why not I be nothing at all instead?
&I thought...Nevermind.
Fustration fustration fustration.Staying at home to work on the script & restudy every qn on geog mye paper might be a bad idea afterall. Abbyyyyyy & Imeeeeeee. : (
Heng ah,at least dont have to see Mr Lee (P).Keke.
Thanks kaileun,changxu & wanzhuo,love! Sorry I didnt go school today k,shut the complaining changxu you also pangseh me ytd what,talk so much wlao -.-
Tinghui > Hello dear.I hope you're okay cos you didn't sound like you were ytd night.Just want to let you know that you're a great girl k,so don't bother what others say.You are who you are,why bother about all the comparison?Just know it yourself that it's not true & sometimes people are just saying it to spite you,see.You are special in your own way,she is she.It's a different thing altogether,as humans,everyone have their own unique characteristics isn't it?So don't let all these get to you k.You know that I love you loads regardless how much we've drifted or anything,&I'll always be here for you.Take care,love of my life : D Ahaaaa.
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I suppose everyone's right,it's time to let go of you once & for all.
There's this saying like,it's never too late & all that bullshit.
Maybe in this case,everything is too late.
Cos' I think it's impossible between us already,nothing can go back to before...there's just this barrier that none of us is able to get through,at least until this moment.
Well,don't you think so?
Tell me about it.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Today,ziwen's birthday celebration.Didnt make it for geog in the morning cos I was unwell and mum was like,"If you don't stay home,you're not going out in the afternoon for your friend's birthday celebration." & i went "T.T!!!?" I was glad to stay in bed in the morning though (Ms yap is so going to kill/strangle me on monday,uh oh.) Met Kaileun,Wanzhuo,Changxu & Lin yi at bugis street to shop for ziwen's birthday present,which one of the shirts we bought for him,we had changxu to try it on.& I tell you,he looks..so.damn.good in that formal black shirt with thin silver lines striped down,all of were like "Omgz,changxu damn shuaiiiiiii eh.You want to buy one for yourself?!!!" So therefore me & wanzhuo came to a conclusion : Guys look fucking good in formal shirts. (Except for a few cos it'll make them look like ah bengs instead.)
& I told changxu to get rid of all his t-shirts immediately cos it makes him look really stupid(oops.) & ordered him immediately to clean out his wardrobe and refill it with formal shirts instead,short sleeve or long sleeve,anything but t-shirts.Then some others met us at bugis mrt station,& when alex came,my jaw literally dropped.He was wearing that same purple crown shirt from that time,and I've seen him wear that for like what,6 times??!!! Which sometimes in two three consecutive weeks on saturdays,I see him in that same shirt. -.- Hur,I swear that I'm going to get him more shirts man,he is seriously in need of it.As in,really really reallyyyyyy in need.
So then we all head to pasir ris to find ziwen at the bbq pit there,had a long talk with lifeng about stuff from the mrt,on the bus ride until walking to the pit.& we're both pretty horrified at what's happening,but I suppose we can't really do anything bout it but just sit & watch it happen.All we can do is to pray that no one gets hurt,hopefully.& I realised that they really like to suan me,walao.They were all sitting on the railing,then i was just standing and holding onto the railing then they were like "Eh eh eh,climb up and sit lah! You cannot right,nevermind nevermind we all understand~" Wtffff! Then i gave them that look & just jumped up and sat on the railing which all of them counted to 3 & started clapping for my supposedly "Mission impossible".HUR,assholes. : ( Think you all cute ah.
There was about...40 plus people?We were separated into two pits,really alot of people around.Then we went to the beach to play,everyone started doing dumb things,even our most dignified da ge,Lu Changxu horh.Sadly I can't post any pics on blogger cos it doesnt seem to be able to upload? o.0 I dont know.Then there was this 'making out session' between changxu,alex&fengbo...ewwww very sick.Then another um......hot kissing session between Lin yi & Fengbo which all of us made quite a din out of it.Siah lah,they really hold very long man,& it's mind polluting,gah! For these photos,you can ask me for it : D Then go spread around,yay.I just realised how cute fengbo is cos he says & does the stupidest things,HAHA.Like he'd take my cam & act like a pro then end up messing up the settings in my cam ( you ass lah. ) If he had a mustache like Jay chou,he would look like a replica of jay chou already,oh so cool.
I'm thankful for you bunch and all the times together plus the times you all have been there for me.I'm specially grateful to these guys who feels almost like my kin brothers,Changxu,Kaileun and Lifeng. Much love.
Im damn tired & I just reached home.Off to contd my reading of the chapters for this week (Geog,Ss & History). Xoxo!
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Dont you think it's time to put a fullstop to everything?
An end to this...mess.
So tell me,does it hurt or worry you that I might not be there anymore the next time you ever turn around expecting to see me standing there waiting as usual,as I've always been?
23 stars ; You do remember afterall.
So maybe I might be wrong...but don't you miss her?
&I thought...Nevermind.
...This is the worst result I've ever seen in all my years in TK,these four years in fact.For god's sake,it's the first time I've gotten anything below 55 for english,which I got a 49 for it this time (Wtf.) And it's also the first fucking time I ever failed my combined humans since upper sec,with a mark of 44 which is really bad.Oh,my chem is an f9,kee hoe will be after me very soon.
I dont have the fucking mood for any play thing or whatsoever,& damn right am I going to start studying now &just slave my ass off for my last 5 months that can save me in whatever way for 0 levels.& I'll be damned if I dont get an A1 for geog,I swear.
All the hard disappointment & demoralised feelings really suck,& I feel like absolute crap on the floor now.Whatever.Time to pack up my emotions and just move on with it,restart all over again.I've got a piano comp,a film and 0 levels waiting for me,life goes on,I can't stop here or break down now.
Screw this.
-Useless.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Maybe sometimes...what you give,is not what you get.Just a thought here.
I hope this world can be just be a lil more fair to me...at least.Sigh nevermind.I'm just indulging in self pity probably.So dont mind me.
Mid years is pretty screwed up,by the looks of it,it's worse than usual.& I really wonder how the hell it happened.I know i fell sick halfway through it,but now I regret not taking an mc on those days to take on another day.Now see what happened,my marks are on the line.Ah,what's done is done I guess.I already vision my name being on top of kee hoe's list so...well.That's something unavoidable.
& So....From now on,I'm going to read one chap of geog,history and ss each day before I sleep!Read the same chap every night for a week & so on.& If I dont manage to remember everything by prelims...I'll hang myself.(: Anyway i've had enough play for the last few days,time to get back to studying anyways.
Changxu,Lifeng,Abby,Nicole,Richny & Ashley > Xie xie niiiiiii.
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You always had the ability to manipulate my feelings.
Ouch.
I just wish you knew exactly what you're doing.
&I thought...Nevermind.
A maths paper 2 = GG AH.Hur hur.Now one more subject fail.
So far,let's see...A maths &combined science.And if I don't get like around 80 for tmr's E math paper 1,I'll fail E maths too.So which means...fail three already.*HORROR.
I have no mood to study E maths at all even though tmr is my last ray of hope...Ah,well.
I think some people are just too hypocrital for words,while some,are just too assuming.Don't you think so?
Sorry ah,I broke my promise : ( But i promise I'll watch pirates with you all one! That one confirm plus chop okay,really really.
Exams.Are.Going.To.Be.Over.Soon.
YES.
Oh,&dad bought me a red cam! Quite slim & super light,it's so pretty : D Even though its not the sony red one i originally wanted...but nevermind,i'll make do with this,hehe.It's red! Awh. So pretty pretty.(: & he's gonna sponsor my shopping spree tmr! Omg,i swear smth has gotten into my parents.
I had better go try & concentrate on studying,I dont want to regret it later :/
Ciao!
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...Men.(Rolls eyes),Urgh.
But still...thanks for teaching me sec 3 E maths today,hur hur.I am super demoralized in maths in front of you cos I'm a sec four yet I'm letting a sec 3 teach me,wa lao : ( But nevermind,whatever it is,it worked! Haha.
& So everything remains silent.
&I thought...Nevermind.
63 marks gone for E maths paper 2 just cos my brain crashed although I did sleep last night,sufficently too.& It's not that I didn't know how to do those qns,i look at them,I'm fucking sure I do know but my brain just wouldnt start working.Even for one marks qns.
I did study.I practised everything I could find.I tried & did all the qns,brushing up on my sec 3 topics like crazy for fear I would lose out on them.
For the first time in years since secondary school,I honestly hoped,believed that I would do well for E maths cos I knew I was prepared,confident...something I've lost since primary school.
But hey,look what happened.All the efforts...= A big fat 0.
Totally zip,zero,nothing.
& I doubt I can pull back a pass in paper 1 even if i work damn hard cos I suck at mental calculation.
E maths = F9 already.
Confirm plus chop.
So what does this show?
...I am going without sleep for the rest of the days until exams are over next thursday.
& Maybe,looks like I'm destinied to suck in maths.
Geog MCQ & A maths paper 2 are my last chances for the two subjects.
Stop feeling fucking demoralized,Weiru.
This.is.not.the.end.of.the.world.yet.
& I refuse to get screwed by KeeHoe when he does his whole "demoralizing" thing again after midyears.I do not want my name on that bloody list of his again.No shitz from him.No,no.
-Thank you Imee,Abby,Nicole,Wanzhuo,Donna & Edward.
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With love.(?)
...& There you go MIA again.
Sigh.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Source based was good,essay on nazi concidentially came out on how hitler used his power to establish dictatorship,which was something I (luckily) still remember fragments of,from the level test few weeks back.It's either a good fail or a bare pass.Ah,well.At least better than I hoped,considering that I didnt study as much as I planned to last night cos I crashed out on the bed & never woke up until this morning around 4 am due to insufficient sleep for the past week continuously,& start panicking.
& Besides.Everything that I did manage to study didn't come out for anyway. -.- Screw you Mariam.Can't you like for two essays in one theme come out one for each chap in the theme?...Stupid post war china of Theme 3.
& I just can't get over the fact that I lose 30 marks for section B geog cos I brain crashed halfway& wrote too slow,when i knew everything.I even thought the paper was pretty easy to some extent that perhaps I could aim for a B.But looks like I've thrown away my own B by throwing away 30 marks unwritten.Sigh.All I can do now is to pia damn hard for my MCQ to like manage a bare pass only.Fuck fuck fuck.
E maths tommorow.Why do I have a sinking feeling about the whole MYE thing?
Operation Revenge:
Plan A accomplished,Ashley.Hi five!
...& Now,for Plan B. : D
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Hey love,listen to what we're not saying.
Don't go,stay here with me.
I miss you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
It's 5.30 am in the morning now & I still dont think I'm ready for history later.
Tsk tsk.Exam's in like...one half hour & less time?
Good game lah,history.
& Mdm Mariam. :/
...Tadeedum.I love history so much that I can just sleep now.
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It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.
-Truly,madly,deeply.
Hmm.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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