I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
Gonna be just randoms today,dont mind me.
-So was there something faintly mocking about the smile.
-Hear the heart scream in pain.
-Symptoms of you.
-For the longest time,you've been the only one in my eyes.
-You love me but you don't know who I am.
-Are you the love jester from hell?
-& I thought all those yesterday feelings would be lost in time.
-I wanna go LALA!
-So much for my happy ending.
-When you're gone.
-Kinda insane but I know I'm sane. (???!!)
-But you're only almost here.
-Don't let go of us tonight.
-Haven't I always loved you?
-I'm still sober.
-Mentally & physically exhausted & wearing away.
-I love watching "So you think you can dance".Gee,Hok is so cute,hotnesszzzz.Ahhhh *faints.
-I've lived without your love for so long,what makes you think I can't go on without it now?
-Queen & the soldier.
-I shall stop the whole MIA thing to them soon : D
-They say I'm crazy,but I really don't care,that's my prerogativeeeeeeeeee.
-Good girl gone bad.
-It's scary how clear that you're such a manipulative lil bitch.The whole innocent image you're keeping up....tell me,how do you do that? Hur whatever.You're not worth me caring or even bothering about you for a sec,I was previously stupid stupid stupid,completely taken in like an idiot.Go on with your act,fabulous performance.
-A thrown chance. (?)
-Oh my,the kind of hypocrisy existing in this world.HA.
-Flashes of the past keep replaying themselves over & over again in my mind.
-Maybe you never really truely left me all along.
-Actually I think ______ is somewhat like ______ in a few ways.Urgh.Okay nevermind I'm being very mean/bitchy again.
-That's a misconception on your part,go figure.
-Relative velocity is driving me nuts wtf.Still got hell knows what missiles stuff & .....I dont know -.-
-Prelims prelims prelims prelims prelims.
-Slipping further & further away from this world.
-Losing grip on everything that I ever & still do care,love so much.
-Trying....& trying & trying.Ouch.
-Oh,I'm in.(:
Was nice having that talk w/ you,kinda unpredictable but...we'll work hard together yeah! I'm glad you've settled down so much this term.Zhang da le,HAHA.So now you understand the importance of it all & the need when smth unexpected arises.Take care & everything will be fineeeeeee,you have the brains man don't fret!
&I thought...Nevermind.
Okay so I havent gone school for two days straight.To some people who asked & I didn't say much......ask me no questions & I'll tell you no lies(: Personal reasons,they were impt so...I had to.I didn't go playing in case anyone's wondering -.-
Went pw to study at usual coffee bean around 12 plus this afternoon since I didnt go school.Wanzhuo came to find me with Juvena and we chatted & chatted about alot of stuff.Then Jesselyn came for a while,which then Juvena & her left,leaving me & wanzhuo talking on bout other stuff.Long time since we catched up,feels good (: Alot of stuff happened,then we told each other & we realised how small this world is -.- Oh my.Got plenty of gossip news today,i need to wash my ears already : (
Jingyi : Take care k!Catch up again soooooon.Kids nowadays are just so immature. *rolls eyes.
Kaileun & De wei : Thanks for the concern.(: Will be BIA on tuesday!
Wanzhuo : Whatever it is,I'll support your decision.Don't think too much dear.Take care,I'm always here if you need me!
Lifeng : Talk to you soon again k,sorry I've been so busy.Miss talking to you xiao di di,haha!
Abby : How come I feel like I haven't been talking to you for ages -.-
Jasmine Teo : You go girl,rmbr what I said! Take care friend : D
Au quan & co. : When are you guys coming again?I forgot,oops.Update me asap!(:
Changxu : Assssssss.We need to talk dammit,asap asap asap.Impt ah,very.
Tinghui : Miss you many many many love,catch up soon!Take care(:
Richny : Daughterrrrrrrr.SO WHEN'S YOUR NEXT ORAL TRAINING HUR!?? : D
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Don’t waste your time trying to fix
What I want to erase
What I need to forget
Don’t waste your time on me,my friend.
It's over.
Everything said & done with.
&I thought...Nevermind.
We're lost in this...
But it feels like home.
Days feel like shit.Feeling lousy & down & tired & sick of everything.Of whatever I'm doing.Fine I'm irritable,period.I'm like one grumpy old woman whining & grouching about everything & always dissatisfied.I'm like practically dragging myself everywhere I go,body seems pretty drained & reluctant.
I'm worried bout a hell lot of stuff & its tiring my mind out,which I think I'll hit the point pretty soon if I'm not careful.Ah well,nevermind.I need to stop all this self pitying & grumpy behaviour.
One pretty funny thing today.Cos I saw de wei & alex going up the stairs after school around 2 plus so I asked de wei if they had remedial & whether if was the whole class.Then de wei replied that it was only for those who skipped hols lessons.So I smiled knowingly,cos they forever pon here & there what,not surprising.Then alex piped in,"No lah,it's for all the shuai ge's.Teacher love us too much you know,she wants to gather all the shuai ge's together & xiang shou."
What.the.hell.
Me & wanzhuo who heard this &threw our books at him HAHA.Stupid ass.It's a wonder how guys keep up with their ego & everything.Okay nevermind I dont think I wanna know,gah. T.T
11 july ! : D Keke.Catch up sooooooooon,23.Lunch k rmbr.
Good luck to all those in JC battling with their MYE's now.
Jian,good luck to your tummy man. o.0
Ziwen,laugh laugh laugh.You laugh somemore lah,huh huh huh.Grrrr you.
Richny,oral will be fine dear,have faith daughterrrrrr.(:
I'm thankful for friends like Abygail Tan Li Shan & Goh Weijie & Goh Weijia.For their unwavering support & friendship all these years,through the hardest parts of my life.Much love. (:
Many other friends like Changxu,Richny,Ashley,Liyuan,Lifeng,Wanzhuo,Imee,Lin an,Tinghui,Rina,Kaileun,Jasmine teo....etc,thank you guys for everything. : D
One thing in my life I really appreciate & love?
-The friends I have.
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Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?
How can I love you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal
Myself and I
We got some straigtening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
& Big girls don't cry
You've changed.I can see that.
But like you've said too,that whatever it is doesn't matter anymore cos it's far too late for anything now.
You're right.
...Everything's too late.
Nothing can ever be like how it was before.
I'm sorry I can't let us be like how we used to be.
Let's just say...it was a mistake.
From rumoured strangers,to friends,to playmates,to best confidantes,to brother-sister,to lovers...& down to nothing.
All the....
You gave me alot of memories to keep,to relive...everything.The things...memories that make me smile wistfully at how we were.Memories that make me miss so much...
Past tense though.
Thank you for the past,no matter how unreal it seems now.
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First day of school was pretty okay I guess.& I'm not emo k,half a dozen people by the end of today asked if I was fine,saying that I was looked like a walking zombie & that I haven't spoken to them all day though they sit just behind me. Lol nah.I'm okay : D Superwomannnn. I'm just....I dont know.Monday blues?Haha.Reopening of school wasn't half as bad lah k,& plenty of laughter in Halilah's class,she & her "You think funfair ah?! " Oh god.She's so hilarious.& Sometimes she bursts out laughing herself first before she finishes retorting.I bet she finds her antics funny as well -.- Lol.
Alot of stress going on.I dont know how to cope & I dont dare to wish or hope for anything...I dont even dare to think about it.
Term 3 already.Four years in this school...seems like yesterday I was just a puny lil sec 1 with all the big dreams & naive imaginations.
But now,2 months to prelims & 2 months half or so to O's & I'll be gone.
The same horrified feeling.The icy cold feeling of dread.Tummy clenching & unclenching.Heart accelerating.Mind not thinking straight.
...Okay okay.Stop it.
Goodnight world.
&I thought...Nevermind.
You all never cared about what I really wanted.Have you all ever asked if I really like the piano?Have you all ever sat down or took time to talk to me,try to find out more about who I am inside,to understand my thoughts & feelings?Have you all ever cared what I needed or yearned for?Do you all understand me at all,as a person?No.You all don't.You all just treat me as some kind of robot and assume that I'm like this,like that,will do this & that...according to your 'perfect guidebook'.How irritatingly arrogant.
People would see actions done by you all as strict actions of love.Don't try that on me.I know better. I've seen & heared things around here,things that would send chills up your spine if you knew that I did& you would shiver at my knowledge of the ongoings.My childhood was shut out,i never had one.All the facades...how disguisting.I'm getting there?Oh please.Come on.I was already there from the very beginning.The ability of independence.Have you all ever thought how sickened or tired I was feeling,having to take care of things all my myself,trying hard to live up to the fantasies that I would be,trying to not to disappoint you all,& having to lock off all my years & desires & give up so much just cos of you all?Have you all even cared?
Sometimes,it gets very tiring when you have to be strong & independent all the time,to be exactly like what people want & expect you to be.You all don't understand the kind of loneliness,hatred for self & yearn.How much everything,every single word,action done impacted on me.Blame yourselves that I'm who you all see now,this moment.
Haha.I'm a monster?
Yeah I am,so?This is the only first time,I'm feeling so real,alive.
Now now,don't fret.This is just the beginning.
There's plenty more to come,soon.
Just you all wait.Watch & see.
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& Big girls don't cry.
I miss you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
& I dont really know why.
I feel like a bloody jellyfish.
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Bam.Ouch.
That heavy load of memories I tried so hard to shut away just rammed itself into me suddenly.&Everything spills over into a mess.Flashes,scenes of the past that I thought I'd forgotten & got over is getting to me,again.I feel them eating into me,bit by bit.I remember I used to have nightly dreams about them.They would keep haunting me,& I only managed to stop them nearing to the end of last year,not too long ago.
Memories that make me smile.Memories that make me sad.Memories that make me miss dearly.Memories that make me cry.Memories that make me laugh.Memories that make my heart ache.& one that made us say goodbye.All imprinted deep inside.When I look back,I wonder if everything would have turned out differently if the mistakes weren't made.I hate myself for being who I was then.So much.
The images replay themselves over & over again.How did things change so drastically in a sudden then?What really happened actually?I don't think I'll ever have my answer,everything have passed so long.
Maybe I was never meant to understand anyway.
It went over the line of attraction,relationship & feelings.
It was so much...more than that.
Something that no one,nothing can ever even come close to it.
Both of them.The two good friends.
Ncc sea & everything else that came along into my life with their existence.
They changed me,taught me so much about life,morales & this world.I learnt,saw so much through them.
All the used to be(s).
I kept running,on & on after they left.
Until now,I've never really stopped running either.
I've just been hiding from myself,pretending to forget so as to force myself to get over,give up & let go.
But I can't stop.Never.
Cos if I stop,even for a split second...
I think I'll die.
&I thought...Nevermind.
People always say if the old doesnt go,the new doesnt come.However,no matter how much you do treasure the new,it can never replace the old completely.
Never.
...I never did forget.
You never really knew how much you meant to me.
& how much you affected me by shutting me out suddenly that time.
But it's all past tense.
I'm just glad to hear from you again,now.
Just maybe,I can still revive a friendship which I thought I'd lost almost 3 years back.
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It was hard but it was also time to say it.
I dont expect you to understand why anyway.
You never will either.
&I thought...Nevermind.
I let myself sink into the negativity of everything & now,it's time to wipe the slate clean.Many things have been going on borrowed time,when it should have ended like ages ago.I wouldnt be here if without some of the best people I've ever met,helping me out,supporting me always & always understanding me.
Namely Abygail Tan Li Shan.
Same pri school until now,10 years & still going on strong : D Best friend.Many things left unsaid,but I think we both understand each other well enough. I miss you,let's go out shopping again soon.Thanks for today love.
& People like Goh Weijia,who for the past few years has never stopped caring for me like a little sister,for giving me the best advice & shoving me wake up calls when I needed them.He taught me so much about life & changed me for the better.Someone who gave me directions when I was lost,Ah gong : D Meanwhile,you better not bully her k.Although I think she's very capable of bullying you instead HAHA.
A bunch of guys,the china 'gang' to be precise.You guys showed me the true meaning of loyalty,friendship & respect.Always behind me in everything I do,& never for once made me feel uncomfortable.You all brought much fun & plenty of laughter into my life,some of you are the best brothers I could ever ask for,always caring & checking that I'm okay.Also a beloved sister,Wanzhuo.Who never fails to care for me 24/7,doing sweet stuff to surprise me,keeping me out of boredom all the time.She's been there for me all this while,taking care of me & helping in every way she could.Thank you,all of you all.Much love (:
A girl called Imee Anra Lim.Lead actress and subtitle translator in the first film I ever produced,"Hope,not lost." I miss the filming times & everything,how we went all out to do our best for the film & although it was pretty raw but we all had a great time : D She's been there for me & giving me pretty good advices,some were wake up calls that made me realise things & see everything in a clearer picture as well.With her,confirm there'll be much laughter & smiles with her antics & stuff. Thank you dear.
The love of my life,Tinghui! Oh man.She's been there for me like forever,always making me realise alot of stuff.I know I can trust her with anything & I can just spill out my heart stuff.She always makes me laugh & cheers me up with all her bimbo-ness & stuff,going out with her is super fun.We do childish stuff & the craziest things without being self concious. Miss you many,harry potter k!
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There's alot of other people like the usual clique,Ashley,Richny,Jingyi,Sunny & Brian,Jian,Pri school people & ....etc. Love.
(Below will just be a bomb of pictures,heh.Lazy to write captions already.)
& Then I fall asleep,only in hopes of dreaming that everything would be like it was before.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Short hair now,bye long hair.
It feels like a refreshed start,letting go of all the heaviness previously.
Thanks abby for everything.For being there for me,for understanding me always.You know I can't find the words to say <3 Ten years & still going on strong.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Slipping slipping slipping.
Getting far too way...off.
& my competition is coming up.Which clashes with prelims.
...I can't take it.I'm freaking out every second inside,trembling negatively. Maybe it's cos I've been trying too hard for far too long for everything.I've never been one to take failures well yet I'm always failing in whatever I do.So I want to believe I can but somewhere inside me tells me I can't.Those kind of contradictory feelings which are pulling me deep down under.
I definitely define the definition of a complete loser.
I need a direction.Any,direction.
I can't afford to crash now.
Someone,guide me.
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You guys looking for her?
I'm sorry,that girl which you both used to know/love/see from young died a long way back.
Very long way back.
...I dont think there's any chance for her to be reborn,either.
This,applies to both of you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Wlao get suaned like crazy grrrrrr.Had a long arguement with Eugene ( I knew him cos ex TK but we were never friends until today ).He says im short! Wtffffff.Just cos I said both him & chuhong are short.But both of them are guys...of around my height eh! Then hinfan come stand among us & we all sian already -.- Weijia's mum is damn cute,she wanted to talk to me about bags cos weijia told her I'm a taimei & insists his mum must speak to me in chinese then zai o.0 Then chuhong,eugene plus baoying gang up against me,try to play this "cat find ball" game.They hid my wallet so that I couldnt go home,bully! In the end I found it,thanks to eugene who unknowingly gave the game away.^^ keke.Then another found of argument started with naiyu,baoying & chuhong on the same team : ( Refuse to let me leave.In the end I still got my way & left early around 8 : D But not before me & baoying suffocated pig naiyu who was attempting to sleep on weijia's bed,by covering the blanket over him and smashing pillows against his face and letting eugene pounce onto him.HAHA.Gg already lah.So chuhong & weijia sent me to kembangan mrt & yes I'm back home now.Good luck for A levels k you all! (:
{huh,the only catfight that will happen around is not between me & baoying k Eugene,more like between us! Eh but wait.You're a dog not a cat right?So dog cat fight. ^^}
Think I'm going to go Kallang macs later to study the night throughout :/ Naiyu,chuhong & weijia plus me played chatting musical chairs while eating.Then they all say they that time one week before 0's then study also no problem,A maths whole year f9 but then 0' levels A2,so ask me dont worry -.- Chuhong say his english prelims c5 but 0 levels A2 & alot of other stuff then they all ask me dont stress out ah -.-
I GOT NOTHING TO SAY ALREADY EXCEPT THAT I'M STILL GONNA STUDY SO STOP CURSING ME K EUGENE.
With that,bye bye world! Zoooooooom*
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You can bring your jealousy & get as far away from me as possible.
Whatever,I am sick of this.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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