I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
You all never cared about what I really wanted.Have you all ever asked if I really like the piano?Have you all ever sat down or took time to talk to me,try to find out more about who I am inside,to understand my thoughts & feelings?Have you all ever cared what I needed or yearned for?Do you all understand me at all,as a person?No.You all don't.You all just treat me as some kind of robot and assume that I'm like this,like that,will do this & that...according to your 'perfect guidebook'.How irritatingly arrogant.
People would see actions done by you all as strict actions of love.Don't try that on me.I know better. I've seen & heared things around here,things that would send chills up your spine if you knew that I did& you would shiver at my knowledge of the ongoings.My childhood was shut out,i never had one.All the facades...how disguisting.I'm getting there?Oh please.Come on.I was already there from the very beginning.The ability of independence.Have you all ever thought how sickened or tired I was feeling,having to take care of things all my myself,trying hard to live up to the fantasies that I would be,trying to not to disappoint you all,& having to lock off all my years & desires & give up so much just cos of you all?Have you all even cared?
Sometimes,it gets very tiring when you have to be strong & independent all the time,to be exactly like what people want & expect you to be.You all don't understand the kind of loneliness,hatred for self & yearn.How much everything,every single word,action done impacted on me.Blame yourselves that I'm who you all see now,this moment.
Haha.I'm a monster?
Yeah I am,so?This is the only first time,I'm feeling so real,alive.
Now now,don't fret.This is just the beginning.
There's plenty more to come,soon.
Just you all wait.Watch & see.
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& Big girls don't cry.
I miss you.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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