I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
& I dont really know why.
I feel like a bloody jellyfish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bam.Ouch.
That heavy load of memories I tried so hard to shut away just rammed itself into me suddenly.&Everything spills over into a mess.Flashes,scenes of the past that I thought I'd forgotten & got over is getting to me,again.I feel them eating into me,bit by bit.I remember I used to have nightly dreams about them.They would keep haunting me,& I only managed to stop them nearing to the end of last year,not too long ago.
Memories that make me smile.Memories that make me sad.Memories that make me miss dearly.Memories that make me cry.Memories that make me laugh.Memories that make my heart ache.& one that made us say goodbye.All imprinted deep inside.When I look back,I wonder if everything would have turned out differently if the mistakes weren't made.I hate myself for being who I was then.So much.
The images replay themselves over & over again.How did things change so drastically in a sudden then?What really happened actually?I don't think I'll ever have my answer,everything have passed so long.
Maybe I was never meant to understand anyway.
It went over the line of attraction,relationship & feelings.
It was so much...more than that.
Something that no one,nothing can ever even come close to it.
Both of them.The two good friends.
Ncc sea & everything else that came along into my life with their existence.
They changed me,taught me so much about life,morales & this world.I learnt,saw so much through them.
All the used to be(s).
I kept running,on & on after they left.
Until now,I've never really stopped running either.
I've just been hiding from myself,pretending to forget so as to force myself to get over,give up & let go.
But I can't stop.Never.
Cos if I stop,even for a split second...
I think I'll die.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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