I let myself believe this was possible.
That it was,in fact,already happening.
But I'm not going to fret over the stupidity of believing.
Wouldn't that just be a waste of psychic energy?
Another excuse to engage in an endless cycle of negativity?
Experts in the field of human behaviour,
would agree that my will to believe was not a sign of stupidity.
Experts would agree that my will to believe was a sure sign of INSANITY.
...&It was that wretched,misguiding,leechlike parasite called hope.
I guess we had our fair share of quarrels,bitching & stuff throughout this secondary school years.Primary school.....well.That's a different thing haha.Sec one we were fine,sec 2 was a bad year for us in the first half and then sec 3 was pretty bad at second half year and this year was fine except that minor thing about the script.Thinking back,half the time we quarrelled because I couldn't see and understand how much you cared for me,in your own way.I expected too much I guess and had felt neglected.Only after that whole cold war end of last year plus my "skipping" groups thing that I learned quite a few things about the world& people in general.
I do care about you alot and you're one of the few rare ones I would want to keep in contact like 20 years down the road (seems hard but yeah!) Haha.I can't thank you enough for the time you had put aside for me,how you always advised me (even though I'm still pretty stubborn). You know that confidence was one of the things I lacked of and when almost everyone believed I won't be able to do it,you didn't give up on me.& when I do fail,you'd still reassure me that things would be better when others start to whisper nasty stuff already.It's like just simple trust and the fact that we don't really have to talk about our feelings to understand what the other is feeling.Like....the mutual thing where we can tell when the other is not okay even without saying anything at all.Somtimes I feel like I'm not really sure of what you're going through maybe cos I'm covered by the pressure of my own stuff.
However I hope you know that I will and always have been,will be here for you.Whenever you need me,you know that you can talk to me anytime regardless whether you think I'm already under strain or not.Cos you know that I would feel better if you talked to me rather than you kept it to yourself,it would make me feel much worse.I'm sorry for all the times where you needed someone but cos I was too cropped up in my things as well to listen or be there.If some things are meant to be forgotten then let go.Don't brood over it k?I know its hard but you know you have to hold on.Either way,take care dear.It's the last lap already,& remember we've got taiwan shopping to look forward to plus sleepover at your house after O's! : D You may never believe it but you'll do fine I promise.You just think you won't do fine cos you're not studying as hard as some people are -.- But ah,don't you know that some people have a flair while some others don't?So,don't stress & take it easy.We're all in this together & I'll be just beside you all the way till the end of your hmt exam haha! (:
Geog test was okay today,actually I found the qns easy except that I really had no time to finish.I lost about.....i have no idea how many marks shit -.- Sigh ms yap is going to be disappointed again & I hate disappointing her.Oh,I think she & tan kee hoe's conversations & communication is super super superrrrrr cute & hilarious.The number of times I got embarassed o.0 Ah well.
The stupid school keeps holding us back until so late everyday now & english tmr until 4.30?!!! Which usually wednesdays we finish at 2 promptly.Wlao.& there is prelim A maths mock test on thursday which I dont want to think about,Urgh.
Wilberg is being funny now -.- Idiot lol.
__________________________________________________________________________
After all this time,I remember everything so clearly still.
23 stars,2nd July 06'.
Queensway,5th September 06'.
Butterflies& macs hot milo,13th October 06'.
Esplanade,6th January 07'.
Square2,April 29 07'.
Necklace,26th May 07'.
City hall,11th June 07'.
Aljunied,
17th June 07'.Just nothing more than strangers.
I'm sorry I was such a bitch that time,maybe I was too harsh to you.But I guess it was for a better cause.I have my reasons.
There was just too many reasons & obstacles hindering out way,that's why we couldn't work out.
Just so you know...you were the only guy after July 23 that I really cared about,deeper than you would ever think I would.
You've moved on now I can see that.
There's no pt for me to hold on anymore.
No wait,I guess I'm in no place to anyway,to even care for you as a friend.
There's nothing left between us.
...
Take care.
I guess I confused my feelings with the truth,
because I liked the view when there was me & you.
& now I'm just left with all the used to be's.
I miss you.
& sometimes,I would fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming to return to the time when I was your piority still.Only then,could the past memories flow back & I could disillusion myself even for a moment to make me feel better,that you're still here with me...to believe that you really cared.
&I thought...Nevermind.
I havent practised the piano for 3 days wtf I am really dead.
Comp on sep 4th & I'm not really like looking forward to it.
You've always been my best support Lifeng,thank you. Love!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The last kiss I'll cherish,until we meet again.
Suddenly I see,why the hell you mean so much to me.
You said forever,
but who knew...
Maybe one day,sometime.
We'll have one more shot again.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Saturday saturday saturday.Urgh finally for this year! La dee dum.I'm still like wondering if I really should go.Doesnt feel very right you know you know you know (?) Yeah you know...
&Damn I hope tmr will be a better day.I feel so disgruntled the whole of today whats wrong with me o.0 Ah nevermind.I guess this is usual for everyone grrr.
There's geog test & Amaths mock test next week! HORROR* Around 5 more weeks to prelims greattttttt.
& Things are definitely okay now I guess.I suppose it takes a lil time for the whole trust thing but....we'll work it out yah.Take care too dear.(:
____________________________________________________________________________
Goodbye goodbye goodbye we've reached the end.
You told me that you love me,but those were just words.
One more try (?)
Maybe not...now.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Eight years later
Time goes by fast
Got my memories
And they will last
I try to keep it simple
cos' I hate goodbyes
I try to keep it simple
by telling myself that
I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember you
I will remember you
We're a picture in my mind
And when I wanna find you
I just close my eyes
You'll never be that far from me
So don't say goodbye cos
You'll never be that far from me
I'm telling myself that
I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember you
You were there when I needed a friend
Thank you, thank you
I never told you how much that meant
Thank you, thank you
I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember
We're not together
I will remember you
I will remember you
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think this is a really beautiful song.Mm....
Okay fine,so maybe Abby is right. :/ I am ___________&__________ & I dont know what else almost 80% of the time.Or rather,its just this year.
Lack of sleep + Stress + Slipping in piano + Not able to solve maths qns + ____________
= An extremely grumpy & unhappy & strained zombie Weiru.
Yeah that practically sumarises me for this year.Yah.Great now.
Things have been a bitch recently but maybe they're heading for a good turn (?) We'll see.
Crashing.
For a moment,I forgot that I no longer am the piority I was to you.
I don't understand why I still bother& gets affected over it...Nevermind.
I'm in no position to anyway.
Shrugs.
&I thought...Nevermind.
Alot of stuff running through my mind.....mm.
Thanks Wilberg for keeping me company ytd & Abby was calling me like a min ago to check if I was fine even though she was so tired.
> Tori Q.
> Bugis escalator.
> Pw building in front of macs lift.
> Walks in the rain.
> Topman.
> March 06' wasn't pretty.
> Yamaha piano school at Plaza Sing,piano U5 silent.
> Carls JR.
> Charlie & the chocolate factory.
> Glow in the dark stars.
> The other half of your heart.
> Bus 32.
> August 13 05',ouch.
> Honey.
> 520.
> Sleeping bag.
> The boy & the girl chains.
> Mos burger.
> The queen & the soldier.
> Letter october 14.
> Ncc sea unit.
> "It's over" times 23.
> Bgf,Sf.
> "Princess."
> V day 0'6 2 pairs of your handmade earrings.
> Silver ring.
> July 23 05',23.45 pm.
THE CLOD AND THE PEBBLE.
"Love seeketh not itself to please,
nor for itself hath any care,
but for another gives its ease,
and builds a heaven in hell's depair."
So sung the little clod of clay,
Trodden with the cattle's feet,
but a pebble of the brook
warbled out these metres meet :
"Love seeketh only self to please,
to bind another to its delight,
joys in another's loss of ease,
and builds a hell in heaven's despite."
William blake.
You're beautiful -James blunt.
You and me -Lifehouse.
Blind -Lifehouse.
Goodbye my lover -James blunt.
Tai duo bao qian -5566
Always -BonJovi.
Listen to your heart -DHT.
If only you remembered.
2 years thus far....forgotten(?)
I had thought so.
...But I guess I'm not so sure anymore.
Looks like I still do have tears left over from the past.
___________________________________________________
&I thought...Nevermind.
Stress stress stress.Every day teachers give us talks on how close our prelims & 0's are nearing.I dont really think we need a reminder of it,come on.All the tests crammed everyday and stuff.....It's a wonder someone hasn't cracked yet.I just hope I can still hang on.Just at least 2 and half months more and it'll all be over.Bye bye to secondary school.I think I'm going to miss TK really badly though hmm.
& I think TK sec ones,with the exception of a few decent ones i know like Wanzhuo,Juvena & Kristal...etc,specially the netballers.Gosh.Little kids ah,you all want to play "Act big" game also not like that right,come on.Show some self dignity.& please go learn the word respect.I can teach you for free if you want to you know (: You guys are like what,pulling TK down. Whats happening to the younger era now *rolls eyes. No class at all.
I don't understand why some people are so incredibly hypocrital.Are you done with all these fake hypocrisy?Cos I am.In case you're too busy faking to notice,I'm trying to refrain myself from confronting you & blowing this whole thing up.But yeah yeah,knowing you,you'd go around spreading to the whole world acting as the victim,the miss "oh im so nice she's so mean." Urgh whatever bitch.Keep your words & opinions to yourself,no one wants to hear them & it isn't needed.You think people won't know,but you're very wrong.Stop being so manipulative with words and your intentions,it'll really get you no where at all.Why not spend the time on your books instead of all these rubbish?You may think no one can tell the real sacrasm meanings & intentions behind each 'innocent' fake friendly concern or advice.Oh & girl,next time you miss school or a test,I'll say the exact same words to you dear.& I definitely mean it for your own good : D For gods sake,just shut up and at the most,leave me alone.Irritating irksome piece of jealous shit.
Okay,I feel ten times better.I'll be damned if ___________________________________________. ( Abby you know.)
HUR HUR.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A safe haven.
I found that particular thing again. (Behind my piano -.- )
&I thought...Nevermind.
Long day today.Finish school at 6 plus after a long talk with MrFoo.Mr Tan advises me to drop combined science yet again -.- The long talk with Mr Foo made me realise & see alot of things that I missed out.I like his philosophy of life,cool teacher : D Ahaaaa.
He says," Life's too short to keep living your life to other's expectations regardless is parents,friends & anyone.Yes things may seem bleak but if you hold on,it'll take a turn someday.If you ask me whether I would have given up my cca loves,hobbies,friends & social life everything in the past for straight A results instead of a bunch of Bs and some Cs?I would say no.I don't regret it.If I ever get a chance to live it over again,I would still live it the same way cos secondary & college were the happiest times in my life.Besides if you look around at all the most successful people in the world,none of them are academic scholars.Some are even just a high school dropout.Don't waste your life fretting over good results,what matters is your attitude & the effort put in."
You rock man Mr Foo. Tell you again after my next physics test,gah. o.0 Mr Tannnnnnn,wo bu yao : (
>Bitch.Urgh.
> Lin yi, :/
> Stupid Ziwen,you think you cute ah I'M PISSED OKAY asshole!\
> The sight of your irritating,act innocent & pretentious face.
> Maybe it's time to let go of all the burdens.
> & Maybe that way I'll be truely happy.Cos I haven't been.
> On & on & on.
> Unspoken words & feelings.
> Strained.
> Piano comp *gasp. Oh shit.
> All the what ifs.
> I'm greatful for friends like Abby,Wanzhuo,Lifeng & Changxu.People who were always there for me.Much love.
> & Heyyyyy,you don't need a man to make you feel beautiful! : D
> Catfight behind each others backs,HAHA hilarious.
> Eyesore ah eyesore.
> Limits stretched.
> That VJ guy......o.0
> Enough is enough.
> Sorry Shi fu,I owe you a huge apology.
>If you dont go away this instant I swear to curse you into oblivation.
> TIRED LAH FUCK.There's something damn wrong.
Maybe I just cared too much.
You meant too much.
Everything,all these.....
I've just got too much piorities.
& when some aren't even worth a millisecond of my time at all.
It's hard to let go of something or someone you love so much.
...The closest thing I ever had to a safe haven & pure happiness.
2 years back,then.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All the thoughts that I've been saving.
This throbbing pain & yearning in the heart.
I need you,don't walk away.
That shoulder always there for me to lean on & hang on to when I'm tired & needed an outlet to rest,a short break from everything else.
So tell me,is it still there?
Are you?
&I thought...Nevermind.
ANYWAY.
Thanks Kevin for finding my phone & returning it! Smart move,to not give it to the taxi driver.Xie xie ni! : D
Looks like there ARE still kind souls out there awh.Maybe I just got lucky -shrugs.
I hope Jasmine found her phone too,she dropped hers in the taxi this morning as well.Like me when we were rushing for Ms Yap's lesson. ;/ & So my studying plan was spoiled due to the whole phone fiasco thingy so nevermind,tmr again at coffee bean.
Thanks Cynthia for coming to find me all the way from michelle's house just cos my mum called you up.Thanks Abby for making the calls to get my whearabouts.Thanks to Ziwen & Wanzhuo for all the trouble too.Thanks all : D
Below are going to be just randoms again!
> Now I see why Wilberg & Abby get along so well.Same league one -.- That ass.
> I AM NOT AUNTIE OR OU BA SANG OR WHATEVER HORH.
> That drop dead gorgeous guy.
> For the past three years,have you ever thought about how I was doing or even cared?
> ...After so long....but why now?
> Coffeebean is the love teehee.
> Her loss k Changxu,life goes on ayeeee.I'm here! : D
> I uh.......need to go popular.But uh.....well.Ha Ha?Nevermind -.-
> Old friends a long way back 6 years.
> Ashley,thanks for everything dear.(: I miss you so much I have no idea why lol.Our revenge plan! : D & OUR DANIEL RADCLIFFE NOOOOOOOOO.
> Richny good luck for oral on wed,& rmbr our last final oral date on monday night daughterrr.
> The person you love is not your lover (????!!)
> One more time & I swear I'll curse you into oblivation so go away like now.
> THIS MONTH IS HARRY POTTER MONTH : D YESSSSSS.
> ...But I'd give you all I have,my everything.
> You have always been,& still is the best for me.All this time.
> How insufferably stupid gah.
> Lifengggggggggggg. : (
> Wanzhuo cheer up.You know you have to.....& it'll be better for everyone.Take care dear I love you plenty all the same. For all the things you've done for me : D
> Guys are damn wierd when they're high I swear :/
> Wtf screw you Alex,piss me off only grrrrr.You think you very cute isit *rolleyes.
> Kaileun,thanks for the long talk catching up& for understanding.Much love.
> We'll be playmates & lovers & share our secret world.....but it's time for me to go home.
> Reality check.
> ...I feel like I'm can't keep up & lagging way far behind with this time race prior to prelims & 0levels in terms of preparation & mind state.Just.....insecure.
> Piano is all that I've left to keep me sane,please don't let me lose it.
> I just didnt want to lose the same familiarity I had....but it's time to let go.For real now,of everything.
> Thanks Kori.(: You know....yeah.Extra geog on tues with ms yap!Take care friend.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
& Till now then I realise,that it was never really over from the beginning.
Feelings...are still here.
But it's time for me to let go still.
I can't keep holding on to a vanishing illusion.
-I guess I'll just have to get used to the whole "friends" thing between us.
Great.
&I thought...Nevermind.
But now it's time for me to wake up to my senses,to stop letting you pull me down anymore.Cos I was blind to see the simple fact that everything's not the same anymore.It will never be the same again.Our circumstances are different,we've changed,we're not who we were 3 years back.It's been too long,& I'm sorry I had let myself be caught up with the past so much,the warmth of it all.Now,I see that it's all just a figment of the past swallowing me up,blinding me so that I couldnt see the truth.
3 years is a long time.
You'll always be a friend you know that.
But it'll just never be like the way it was before.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Changed.
You,me & everything else.
I haven't forgotten something on this very day a year back.
But it's too late.
To someone who'll always have a certain special place in my heart : I miss you.
2nd july.
&I thought...Nevermind.
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