[x]august 29`;;

2007-09-19T00:00:00.000+08:00

Hey Peterpan,can you take me away with you to Neverland?

I love my panda so very much : D It's super super super cute. gah.Thank you guys,for everything,Tinghui and Richny.You know no matter how much we've drifted I love you guys all the same & as much as ever.I'm still here when you all need me,really.Will catch up this entire year worth of stuff after my O's! I've got alot of time to spare then teeheeee.Take care dears & good luck for EOY's! Much love. (:

Prelims finish tmr! YESSSSSSS. *jumps up and down in joy.

Okay yah,maybe not really over and everything ah -.- Think I'm going to see alot of red f9's.But FOR THE TIME BEING,I am going to play until saturday before prelim papers start coming back & all hell breaks loose o.0 I'm so not looking foward to O's in exactly a month time.Everything seems to be like going at very fast timing.Mmm.....it actually feels kind of wierd to be leaving TK and stuff.Oh well.

Been studying alot at coffeebean with nicole or abby at Paya Lebar.And eating alot of Subway's veggie delite! : D So generally im supposed to be quite a happy girl I guess.Feels kind of empty though....every minute,every second.You know you get the kind of feeling like...you're waiting for something but you have no idea what the hell you're waiting for kind of thing.Yeah I know it's damn stupid,don't say anything -.- Shssshhh. Okay nevermind I think the stress has really unhinged me.

Feeling very very dead at the moment.Major headache since Amaths paper2 in the afternoon.

& Sorry ah,Im not wild so I can't really stand "wild" people.

I think my 'disappearing' in a blink of an eye' technique has improved alot! Nicole you also right?!! HEH.

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It's only your shadow,leaving the room...

Arriving too late & leaving too soon.

I'm trying to get the memory of you out my head.

You're haunting me very badly.

This is killing me.

I can't get over the past we had.

& now that you're here waiting,

something that I've always wished,

I can't run back to you cos I think my feelings are fading.

The memory of us is the only thing that's holding me here.

Sorry,give me time.

Fear is really eating my insides hollow.

2007-09-09T01:12:00.000+08:00

A maths & SS coming up on monday.Don't really have a good feeling bout this whole prelim thingy.Argh,I never do have for exams anyway.
English prelims was shit,how in the world would I know why the parachute was named as an "Organism" ? Bloody hell.And "Pulsating" some more. Then comp topic one word "Bridges." WHY ON EARTH BRIDGES.Bridges WHAT. -.- I literally stunned at the paper for quite some time when I saw the topic gosh.
Yeah & apparently Sonia Yeo says that she thinks this paper is too easy for her standard.& She told us that this time prelim paper english has been lowered to a normal 0 level standard and if we don't find it easy we all deserve to be shot and then die.

BANG, die.

Haven't been sleeping for a few days...wasn't feeling well today so went home early from usual coffeebean studying.Was supposed to be with Nicole actually but I pangsehed her,Sorry girl ;/ Think I'm just lack of food & sleep,I don't know.Shrugs.Head still feels abit dizzy.

I miss Gerry Gan.& I miss doing film productions & I'm yearning to write,alot of ideas going through my head recently.But I can't.Prelims are here,here,here.And with 0's upcoming...I shouldn't. : (

This whole week of studying has been entirely at coffeebean.From morning 10 am until like evening or night sometimes.Either with Jillene,Nicole or Abby.Had a good long talk with Nicole at LJS the other day after we studied,been a long long longggg time ever since we had the misunderstanding fight & we just talked about everything like that,feels good (: I'm so broke this week that Jillene and Nicole had to treat me bread lol.Yeah bread fetish.I don't know why either don't ask me lol.I think the coffeebean young malay guy is very cute in the way he always pass by me & see me in outside food then say, "Eat and hide,okay?" Then give me the thumbs up sign & a smile.Damn funny.The other time he was like,"He very bossy.Irritating also." Referring to the manager.Rofl.I like the service there overall,friendly people. (: Except when they get a full house sometimes,studying people get chased to really small tables gah. Good coffee/tea + food. ^^ Sadly I don't have the money for it.& I found out alot of shocking things this week,it has been so happening wow.I can finally do relative velocity now btw tee heeee.

I'm online now and Alex just popped up a convo going "Hi!!!!!!!!!!" (Surprising he's even online,he's usually such a pig.) It's 2 plus am in the morning now for your info.
Madness.& apparently he was like,"Why never go out with all of us for the rogue assasin movie today?You very long never accompany us already you know."

...
Dude,my prelims re-begin on monday,yes?

& Now Weijia pops a convo with a smiley face and says "See you!" Then log offline.
...Ah?

What's wrong with the world tonight.

I have hilariously weird friends.
Okay I think I'm just too bored/fried from studying thats why I'm digressing abit.
____________________________________________________________________________________________

Wanzhuo : I'm really sorry we drifted so much & that I haven't been there for you at all to the extent I don't even know what's been going on in your life at all.I'll catch up with you again asap,I promise.I've been too busy with my studies & stuff when I should have paid at least a lil more attention/care,at least more than I do now.You know I love you all the same.Take care girl.

Tinghui & Richny,much misses!

Jingyi,rememberrrrrrrr k. You're the smart one.

With love. :D

2007-09-02T22:54:00.000+08:00

Prelims prelims prelims.Urgh.

____________________________________________________________________________________
Hopes & fears.
So if you have a minute why don't we go somewhere only we know.

You can hold my hand if you want to,
cos I want to hold yours too.
Things are fine this way.

Thank you.

2007-08-26T00:06:00.000+08:00

When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

Taurus - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:
You tend to stick with relationships - through the good and the bad.You are a great listener and tend to give valuable advice.Cautious and careful, you never jump in recklessly... saving yourself from heartbreak.
Your negative traits:
Money is very important to you, so much so that it's a cause of arguments in relationships.If your lover isn't loyal or attentive enough to you, your eyes start to wander...You tend to keep things inside - so your partner may not know when or why you're upset.
Your ideal partner:
Is stable, serious, and ready to be committed to you.Is successful and able to provide you with the lifestyle you crave.A true romantic, who is willing to express their desire for your heart.
Your dating style:
Comfortable and traditional. You'd love to have a nice meal at a cozy restaurant.
Your seduction style:
Love comes first for you before you'd even think of intimacy.Traditional: you're not a cold fish - but you're not into kink either.Pleasing... you always make sure that your partner is having a good time.
Tips for the future:
Be willing to change your mind. Who you think is the love of your life may be very wrong for you.Try listening to your mate. While your stubborn streak is hard to break, sometimes your partner knows best.Lighten up! The first months of a relationship should be about fun, not intentions.
Best color to attract mate: Pale blue
Best day for a date: Friday

What's" Your Love Profile?

Ha Ha. This is fucking hilarious.

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I just don't want to miss you tonight.

It's never easy to say goodbye.

2007-08-22T23:38:00.000+08:00

When fear gets the better of me.
Insides shaking.

I don't think I really want to go through it and know.
Thanks Abby,Mr Ng,Jingyi,Sebastian,Wanzhuo,Alex and Cynthia.
Much loves for all the concern and advice.
I'll put through.I have to.

It feels like a never ending race.
Competition is so strong.

2007-08-12T23:09:00.000+08:00

So I put my arms around you,around you
And I know that I'll be leaving soon

My eyes are on you,they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking
No, I won't step back
but I'll look down to hide from your eyes

So I put my arms around you,around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you,they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me.

Time still exists.

Pretty strained and tired these few days.Lots of things happening in a blast at the same thing...and as much as I try not to think or bother about them,it's like this nagging thing that makes me very not at ease,hanging at the back of my mind subconsciously,weighing me down and making me feel really heavy,unhappy stressed kinda thing.

Apparently,my dear ah gong,Mr Goh Weijia is feeling extremely high and happy tonight for god knows what reason.I think I shall leave him to his hyper-ness cos he's confusing me with his ramblings and stuff.He really isn't making any sense -.- Crazy guy.

Prelims Prelims Prelims.In....uh,17 days more.Time really flies this year,it literally just zooms past.Or maybe not.But either way everything is like going at fast speeds now.And I wonder what's going to happen if I screw up O's gah.An unearthly thought. Oh well no pt worrying my guts out now.Just give it the best shot I guess.Shrugs.

Jingyi,Wanzhuo,Tinghui & Richny ----- Sorry I've been neglecting you all so much.Miss you guys hell lotsz,catch up soon alrighte! Love.

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I said it's too late to apologize.

I didn't cry the day you moved away
I didn't think that I could feel this pain
Until I saw the stranger that was you.

Whatever happened to our innocence
And the something that you said about being friends?

I gotta get your memory out of my head
Would you catch me if I had to fall
Would you even find the time for that at all.

Time has taken back,
everything I thought we ever had.

I'm missing you,tonight.
No,who you used to be.

2007-07-31T23:52:00.000+08:00

Okay this first half of the post if going to be dedicated to one of my best friends ever,Abygail Tan Li Shan.

I guess we had our fair share of quarrels,bitching & stuff throughout this secondary school years.Primary school.....well.That's a different thing haha.Sec one we were fine,sec 2 was a bad year for us in the first half and then sec 3 was pretty bad at second half year and this year was fine except that minor thing about the script.Thinking back,half the time we quarrelled because I couldn't see and understand how much you cared for me,in your own way.I expected too much I guess and had felt neglected.Only after that whole cold war end of last year plus my "skipping" groups thing that I learned quite a few things about the world& people in general.

I do care about you alot and you're one of the few rare ones I would want to keep in contact like 20 years down the road (seems hard but yeah!) Haha.I can't thank you enough for the time you had put aside for me,how you always advised me (even though I'm still pretty stubborn). You know that confidence was one of the things I lacked of and when almost everyone believed I won't be able to do it,you didn't give up on me.& when I do fail,you'd still reassure me that things would be better when others start to whisper nasty stuff already.It's like just simple trust and the fact that we don't really have to talk about our feelings to understand what the other is feeling.Like....the mutual thing where we can tell when the other is not okay even without saying anything at all.Somtimes I feel like I'm not really sure of what you're going through maybe cos I'm covered by the pressure of my own stuff.

However I hope you know that I will and always have been,will be here for you.Whenever you need me,you know that you can talk to me anytime regardless whether you think I'm already under strain or not.Cos you know that I would feel better if you talked to me rather than you kept it to yourself,it would make me feel much worse.I'm sorry for all the times where you needed someone but cos I was too cropped up in my things as well to listen or be there.If some things are meant to be forgotten then let go.Don't brood over it k?I know its hard but you know you have to hold on.Either way,take care dear.It's the last lap already,& remember we've got taiwan shopping to look forward to plus sleepover at your house after O's! : D You may never believe it but you'll do fine I promise.You just think you won't do fine cos you're not studying as hard as some people are -.- But ah,don't you know that some people have a flair while some others don't?So,don't stress & take it easy.We're all in this together & I'll be just beside you all the way till the end of your hmt exam haha! (:

Geog test was okay today,actually I found the qns easy except that I really had no time to finish.I lost about.....i have no idea how many marks shit -.- Sigh ms yap is going to be disappointed again & I hate disappointing her.Oh,I think she & tan kee hoe's conversations & communication is super super superrrrrr cute & hilarious.The number of times I got embarassed o.0 Ah well.
The stupid school keeps holding us back until so late everyday now & english tmr until 4.30?!!! Which usually wednesdays we finish at 2 promptly.Wlao.& there is prelim A maths mock test on thursday which I dont want to think about,Urgh.

Wilberg is being funny now -.- Idiot lol.

__________________________________________________________________________

After all this time,I remember everything so clearly still.

23 stars,2nd July 06'.
Queensway,5th September 06'.
Butterflies& macs hot milo,13th October 06'.
Esplanade,6th January 07'.
Square2,April 29 07'.
Necklace,26th May 07'.
City hall,11th June 07'.

Aljunied,
17th June 07'.Just nothing more than strangers.

I'm sorry I was such a bitch that time,maybe I was too harsh to you.But I guess it was for a better cause.I have my reasons.
There was just too many reasons & obstacles hindering out way,that's why we couldn't work out.
Just so you know...you were the only guy after July 23 that I really cared about,deeper than you would ever think I would.

You've moved on now I can see that.
There's no pt for me to hold on anymore.
No wait,I guess I'm in no place to anyway,to even care for you as a friend.
There's nothing left between us.
...
Take care.

I guess I confused my feelings with the truth,
because I liked the view when there was me & you.
& now I'm just left with all the used to be's.

I miss you.
& sometimes,I would fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming to return to the time when I was your piority still.Only then,could the past memories flow back & I could disillusion myself even for a moment to make me feel better,that you're still here with me...to believe that you really cared.

2007-07-29T22:57:00.000+08:00

I'm so sick & tired of this...books filled paper strewn room I've been living & sleeping in. I practically dont have a single clear space for me to walk through even except for a small space under my piano which is where I sit. -.- I literally have to crawl over my papers & books on the floor to look for the stuff I want even though I already had them in different columns on my table (which is also as messy.) Gosh.I dont think anyone needs me to say how uncomfortable it is to fall asleep on the papers,they're not exactly comfy you know.Urgh.Im going to take my pillow in tonight to sleep on.

I havent practised the piano for 3 days wtf I am really dead.
Comp on sep 4th & I'm not really like looking forward to it.

You've always been my best support Lifeng,thank you. Love!
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The last kiss I'll cherish,until we meet again.
Suddenly I see,why the hell you mean so much to me.

You said forever,
but who knew...

Maybe one day,sometime.
We'll have one more shot again.

2007-07-27T01:17:00.000+08:00

Didn't go to school today,Mrs Tan called up to reprimand me after my mum told her my habit of not sleeping for days hasn't changed : ( Gah.

Saturday saturday saturday.Urgh finally for this year! La dee dum.I'm still like wondering if I really should go.Doesnt feel very right you know you know you know (?) Yeah you know...
&Damn I hope tmr will be a better day.I feel so disgruntled the whole of today whats wrong with me o.0 Ah nevermind.I guess this is usual for everyone grrr.
There's geog test & Amaths mock test next week! HORROR* Around 5 more weeks to prelims greattttttt.

& Things are definitely okay now I guess.I suppose it takes a lil time for the whole trust thing but....we'll work it out yah.Take care too dear.(:

____________________________________________________________________________

Goodbye goodbye goodbye we've reached the end.
You told me that you love me,but those were just words.

One more try (?)
Maybe not...now.

2007-07-26T00:19:00.000+08:00

" I will remember you" by Ryan cabrera.

Eight years later
Time goes by fast
Got my memories
And they will last

I try to keep it simple
cos' I hate goodbyes
I try to keep it simple
by telling myself that

I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember you
I will remember you

We're a picture in my mind
And when I wanna find you
I just close my eyes
You'll never be that far from me
So don't say goodbye cos
You'll never be that far from me
I'm telling myself that

I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember you

You were there when I needed a friend
Thank you, thank you
I never told you how much that meant
Thank you, thank you

I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so

I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much I can say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember
We're not together
I will remember you
I will remember you

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think this is a really beautiful song.Mm....

Okay fine,so maybe Abby is right. :/ I am ___________&__________ & I dont know what else almost 80% of the time.Or rather,its just this year.

Lack of sleep + Stress + Slipping in piano + Not able to solve maths qns + ____________
= An extremely grumpy & unhappy & strained zombie Weiru.

Yeah that practically sumarises me for this year.Yah.Great now.
Things have been a bitch recently but maybe they're heading for a good turn (?) We'll see.

Crashing.
For a moment,I forgot that I no longer am the piority I was to you.
I don't understand why I still bother& gets affected over it...Nevermind.
I'm in no position to anyway.
Shrugs.

2007-07-23T00:13:00.000+08:00

3 minutes past 12.July 23 today now.
Alot of stuff running through my mind.....mm.
Thanks Wilberg for keeping me company ytd & Abby was calling me like a min ago to check if I was fine even though she was so tired.

> Tori Q.
> Bugis escalator.
> Pw building in front of macs lift.
> Walks in the rain.
> Topman.
> March 06' wasn't pretty.
> Yamaha piano school at Plaza Sing,piano U5 silent.
> Carls JR.
> Charlie & the chocolate factory.
> Glow in the dark stars.
> The other half of your heart.
> Bus 32.
> August 13 05',ouch.
> Honey.
> 520.
> Sleeping bag.
> The boy & the girl chains.
> Mos burger.
> The queen & the soldier.
> Letter october 14.
> Ncc sea unit.
> "It's over" times 23.
> Bgf,Sf.
> "Princess."
> V day 0'6 2 pairs of your handmade earrings.
> Silver ring.
> July 23 05',23.45 pm.

THE CLOD AND THE PEBBLE.

"Love seeketh not itself to please,
nor for itself hath any care,
but for another gives its ease,
and builds a heaven in hell's depair."

So sung the little clod of clay,
Trodden with the cattle's feet,
but a pebble of the brook
warbled out these metres meet :

"Love seeketh only self to please,
to bind another to its delight,
joys in another's loss of ease,
and builds a hell in heaven's despite."

William blake.

You're beautiful -James blunt.
You and me -Lifehouse.
Blind -Lifehouse.
Goodbye my lover -James blunt.
Tai duo bao qian -5566
Always -BonJovi.
Listen to your heart -DHT.

If only you remembered.
2 years thus far....forgotten(?)
I had thought so.
...But I guess I'm not so sure anymore.

Looks like I still do have tears left over from the past.
___________________________________________________

2007-07-18T23:55:00.000+08:00

Abby's new house is damn fucking nice.Me & Imee has prepared to make it our second home HAHA. : D

Stress stress stress.Every day teachers give us talks on how close our prelims & 0's are nearing.I dont really think we need a reminder of it,come on.All the tests crammed everyday and stuff.....It's a wonder someone hasn't cracked yet.I just hope I can still hang on.Just at least 2 and half months more and it'll all be over.Bye bye to secondary school.I think I'm going to miss TK really badly though hmm.

& I think TK sec ones,with the exception of a few decent ones i know like Wanzhuo,Juvena & Kristal...etc,specially the netballers.Gosh.Little kids ah,you all want to play "Act big" game also not like that right,come on.Show some self dignity.& please go learn the word respect.I can teach you for free if you want to you know (: You guys are like what,pulling TK down. Whats happening to the younger era now *rolls eyes. No class at all.

I don't understand why some people are so incredibly hypocrital.Are you done with all these fake hypocrisy?Cos I am.In case you're too busy faking to notice,I'm trying to refrain myself from confronting you & blowing this whole thing up.But yeah yeah,knowing you,you'd go around spreading to the whole world acting as the victim,the miss "oh im so nice she's so mean." Urgh whatever bitch.Keep your words & opinions to yourself,no one wants to hear them & it isn't needed.You think people won't know,but you're very wrong.Stop being so manipulative with words and your intentions,it'll really get you no where at all.Why not spend the time on your books instead of all these rubbish?You may think no one can tell the real sacrasm meanings & intentions behind each 'innocent' fake friendly concern or advice.Oh & girl,next time you miss school or a test,I'll say the exact same words to you dear.& I definitely mean it for your own good : D For gods sake,just shut up and at the most,leave me alone.Irritating irksome piece of jealous shit.

Okay,I feel ten times better.I'll be damned if ___________________________________________. ( Abby you know.)
HUR HUR.

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A safe haven.

I found that particular thing again. (Behind my piano -.- )

2007-07-12T21:15:00.000+08:00

It's a wonder how some people never know how much their actions and words affect someone else.They just go on & on & on living in their own world not stopping for one second to think if the other is taking it in.

Long day today.Finish school at 6 plus after a long talk with MrFoo.Mr Tan advises me to drop combined science yet again -.- The long talk with Mr Foo made me realise & see alot of things that I missed out.I like his philosophy of life,cool teacher : D Ahaaaa.

He says," Life's too short to keep living your life to other's expectations regardless is parents,friends & anyone.Yes things may seem bleak but if you hold on,it'll take a turn someday.If you ask me whether I would have given up my cca loves,hobbies,friends & social life everything in the past for straight A results instead of a bunch of Bs and some Cs?I would say no.I don't regret it.If I ever get a chance to live it over again,I would still live it the same way cos secondary & college were the happiest times in my life.Besides if you look around at all the most successful people in the world,none of them are academic scholars.Some are even just a high school dropout.Don't waste your life fretting over good results,what matters is your attitude & the effort put in."

You rock man Mr Foo. Tell you again after my next physics test,gah. o.0 Mr Tannnnnnn,wo bu yao : (

>Bitch.Urgh.
> Lin yi, :/
> Stupid Ziwen,you think you cute ah I'M PISSED OKAY asshole!\
> The sight of your irritating,act innocent & pretentious face.
> Maybe it's time to let go of all the burdens.
> & Maybe that way I'll be truely happy.Cos I haven't been.
> On & on & on.
> Unspoken words & feelings.
> Strained.
> Piano comp *gasp. Oh shit.
> All the what ifs.
> I'm greatful for friends like Abby,Wanzhuo,Lifeng & Changxu.People who were always there for me.Much love.
> & Heyyyyy,you don't need a man to make you feel beautiful! : D
> Catfight behind each others backs,HAHA hilarious.
> Eyesore ah eyesore.
> Limits stretched.
> That VJ guy......o.0
> Enough is enough.
> Sorry Shi fu,I owe you a huge apology.
>If you dont go away this instant I swear to curse you into oblivation.
> TIRED LAH FUCK.There's something damn wrong.

Maybe I just cared too much.
You meant too much.
Everything,all these.....
I've just got too much piorities.
& when some aren't even worth a millisecond of my time at all.
It's hard to let go of something or someone you love so much.

...The closest thing I ever had to a safe haven & pure happiness.
2 years back,then.
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All the thoughts that I've been saving.
This throbbing pain & yearning in the heart.

I need you,don't walk away.
That shoulder always there for me to lean on & hang on to when I'm tired & needed an outlet to rest,a short break from everything else.
So tell me,is it still there?
Are you?

2007-07-07T23:23:00.000+08:00

So I've been away from blogger for a pretty long time,& alison was telling me to update just then.

ANYWAY.
Thanks Kevin for finding my phone & returning it! Smart move,to not give it to the taxi driver.Xie xie ni! : D
Looks like there ARE still kind souls out there awh.Maybe I just got lucky -shrugs.

I hope Jasmine found her phone too,she dropped hers in the taxi this morning as well.Like me when we were rushing for Ms Yap's lesson. ;/ & So my studying plan was spoiled due to the whole phone fiasco thingy so nevermind,tmr again at coffee bean.

Thanks Cynthia for coming to find me all the way from michelle's house just cos my mum called you up.Thanks Abby for making the calls to get my whearabouts.Thanks to Ziwen & Wanzhuo for all the trouble too.Thanks all : D

Below are going to be just randoms again!

> Now I see why Wilberg & Abby get along so well.Same league one -.- That ass.
> I AM NOT AUNTIE OR OU BA SANG OR WHATEVER HORH.
> That drop dead gorgeous guy.
> For the past three years,have you ever thought about how I was doing or even cared?
> ...After so long....but why now?
> Coffeebean is the love teehee.
> Her loss k Changxu,life goes on ayeeee.I'm here! : D
> I uh.......need to go popular.But uh.....well.Ha Ha?Nevermind -.-
> Old friends a long way back 6 years.
> Ashley,thanks for everything dear.(: I miss you so much I have no idea why lol.Our revenge plan! : D & OUR DANIEL RADCLIFFE NOOOOOOOOO.
> Richny good luck for oral on wed,& rmbr our last final oral date on monday night daughterrr.
> The person you love is not your lover (????!!)
> One more time & I swear I'll curse you into oblivation so go away like now.
> THIS MONTH IS HARRY POTTER MONTH : D YESSSSSS.
> ...But I'd give you all I have,my everything.
> You have always been,& still is the best for me.All this time.
> How insufferably stupid gah.
> Lifengggggggggggg. : (
> Wanzhuo cheer up.You know you have to.....& it'll be better for everyone.Take care dear I love you plenty all the same. For all the things you've done for me : D
> Guys are damn wierd when they're high I swear :/
> Wtf screw you Alex,piss me off only grrrrr.You think you very cute isit *rolleyes.
> Kaileun,thanks for the long talk catching up& for understanding.Much love.
> We'll be playmates & lovers & share our secret world.....but it's time for me to go home.
> Reality check.
> ...I feel like I'm can't keep up & lagging way far behind with this time race prior to prelims & 0levels in terms of preparation & mind state.Just.....insecure.
> Piano is all that I've left to keep me sane,please don't let me lose it.
> I just didnt want to lose the same familiarity I had....but it's time to let go.For real now,of everything.
> Thanks Kori.(: You know....yeah.Extra geog on tues with ms yap!Take care friend.

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& Till now then I realise,that it was never really over from the beginning.
Feelings...are still here.
But it's time for me to let go still.
I can't keep holding on to a vanishing illusion.

-I guess I'll just have to get used to the whole "friends" thing between us.
Great.

2007-07-02T17:48:00.000+08:00

I guess that in the midst of you reappearing in my life again...I forgot myself.I forgot what you did,I forgot the reality of everything,I forgot my piorities & many things.Maybe I just missed the familiarity of the past 3 years back,the feeling of it all,& when you came back...well.All the used to be(s) which I thought I had given up & forgotten long ago all just came flooding back to me.

But now it's time for me to wake up to my senses,to stop letting you pull me down anymore.Cos I was blind to see the simple fact that everything's not the same anymore.It will never be the same again.Our circumstances are different,we've changed,we're not who we were 3 years back.It's been too long,& I'm sorry I had let myself be caught up with the past so much,the warmth of it all.Now,I see that it's all just a figment of the past swallowing me up,blinding me so that I couldnt see the truth.

3 years is a long time.
You'll always be a friend you know that.
But it'll just never be like the way it was before.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Changed.
You,me & everything else.
I haven't forgotten something on this very day a year back.
But it's too late.

To someone who'll always have a certain special place in my heart : I miss you.
2nd july.

2007-06-30T22:54:00.000+08:00

History's been a bitch.Period.

Gonna be just randoms today,dont mind me.

-So was there something faintly mocking about the smile.
-Hear the heart scream in pain.
-Symptoms of you.
-For the longest time,you've been the only one in my eyes.
-You love me but you don't know who I am.
-Are you the love jester from hell?
-& I thought all those yesterday feelings would be lost in time.
-I wanna go LALA!
-So much for my happy ending.
-When you're gone.
-Kinda insane but I know I'm sane. (???!!)
-But you're only almost here.
-Don't let go of us tonight.
-Haven't I always loved you?
-I'm still sober.
-Mentally & physically exhausted & wearing away.
-I love watching "So you think you can dance".Gee,Hok is so cute,hotnesszzzz.Ahhhh *faints.
-I've lived without your love for so long,what makes you think I can't go on without it now?
-Queen & the soldier.
-I shall stop the whole MIA thing to them soon : D
-They say I'm crazy,but I really don't care,that's my prerogativeeeeeeeeee.
-Good girl gone bad.
-It's scary how clear that you're such a manipulative lil bitch.The whole innocent image you're keeping up....tell me,how do you do that? Hur whatever.You're not worth me caring or even bothering about you for a sec,I was previously stupid stupid stupid,completely taken in like an idiot.Go on with your act,fabulous performance.
-A thrown chance. (?)
-Oh my,the kind of hypocrisy existing in this world.HA.
-Flashes of the past keep replaying themselves over & over again in my mind.
-Maybe you never really truely left me all along.
-Actually I think ______ is somewhat like ______ in a few ways.Urgh.Okay nevermind I'm being very mean/bitchy again.
-That's a misconception on your part,go figure.
-Relative velocity is driving me nuts wtf.Still got hell knows what missiles stuff & .....I dont know -.-
-Prelims prelims prelims prelims prelims.
-Slipping further & further away from this world.
-Losing grip on everything that I ever & still do care,love so much.
-Trying....& trying & trying.Ouch.
-Oh,I'm in.(:

Was nice having that talk w/ you,kinda unpredictable but...we'll work hard together yeah! I'm glad you've settled down so much this term.Zhang da le,HAHA.So now you understand the importance of it all & the need when smth unexpected arises.Take care & everything will be fineeeeeee,you have the brains man don't fret!

2007-06-29T22:23:00.000+08:00

HAHA.& I think ______________________________ are a bunch of very hilariously funny creatures. =x

Okay so I havent gone school for two days straight.To some people who asked & I didn't say much......ask me no questions & I'll tell you no lies(: Personal reasons,they were impt so...I had to.I didn't go playing in case anyone's wondering -.-

Went pw to study at usual coffee bean around 12 plus this afternoon since I didnt go school.Wanzhuo came to find me with Juvena and we chatted & chatted about alot of stuff.Then Jesselyn came for a while,which then Juvena & her left,leaving me & wanzhuo talking on bout other stuff.Long time since we catched up,feels good (: Alot of stuff happened,then we told each other & we realised how small this world is -.- Oh my.Got plenty of gossip news today,i need to wash my ears already : (

Jingyi : Take care k!Catch up again soooooon.Kids nowadays are just so immature. *rolls eyes.
Kaileun & De wei : Thanks for the concern.(: Will be BIA on tuesday!
Wanzhuo : Whatever it is,I'll support your decision.Don't think too much dear.Take care,I'm always here if you need me!
Lifeng : Talk to you soon again k,sorry I've been so busy.Miss talking to you xiao di di,haha!
Abby : How come I feel like I haven't been talking to you for ages -.-
Jasmine Teo : You go girl,rmbr what I said! Take care friend : D
Au quan & co. : When are you guys coming again?I forgot,oops.Update me asap!(:
Changxu : Assssssss.We need to talk dammit,asap asap asap.Impt ah,very.
Tinghui : Miss you many many many love,catch up soon!Take care(:
Richny : Daughterrrrrrrr.SO WHEN'S YOUR NEXT ORAL TRAINING HUR!?? : D

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Don’t waste your time trying to fix
What I want to erase
What I need to forget
Don’t waste your time on me,my friend.

It's over.
Everything said & done with.

2007-06-26T23:22:00.000+08:00

We're crashing into the unknown,
We're lost in this...
But it feels like home.

Days feel like shit.Feeling lousy & down & tired & sick of everything.Of whatever I'm doing.Fine I'm irritable,period.I'm like one grumpy old woman whining & grouching about everything & always dissatisfied.I'm like practically dragging myself everywhere I go,body seems pretty drained & reluctant.

I'm worried bout a hell lot of stuff & its tiring my mind out,which I think I'll hit the point pretty soon if I'm not careful.Ah well,nevermind.I need to stop all this self pitying & grumpy behaviour.

One pretty funny thing today.Cos I saw de wei & alex going up the stairs after school around 2 plus so I asked de wei if they had remedial & whether if was the whole class.Then de wei replied that it was only for those who skipped hols lessons.So I smiled knowingly,cos they forever pon here & there what,not surprising.Then alex piped in,"No lah,it's for all the shuai ge's.Teacher love us too much you know,she wants to gather all the shuai ge's together & xiang shou."
What.the.hell.
Me & wanzhuo who heard this &threw our books at him HAHA.Stupid ass.It's a wonder how guys keep up with their ego & everything.Okay nevermind I dont think I wanna know,gah. T.T

11 july ! : D Keke.Catch up sooooooooon,23.Lunch k rmbr.
Good luck to all those in JC battling with their MYE's now.

Jian,good luck to your tummy man. o.0
Ziwen,laugh laugh laugh.You laugh somemore lah,huh huh huh.Grrrr you.
Richny,oral will be fine dear,have faith daughterrrrrr.(:

I'm thankful for friends like Abygail Tan Li Shan & Goh Weijie & Goh Weijia.For their unwavering support & friendship all these years,through the hardest parts of my life.Much love. (:
Many other friends like Changxu,Richny,Ashley,Liyuan,Lifeng,Wanzhuo,Imee,Lin an,Tinghui,Rina,Kaileun,Jasmine teo....etc,thank you guys for everything. : D

One thing in my life I really appreciate & love?
-The friends I have.

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Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

How can I love you.

2007-06-25T20:46:00.000+08:00

I hope you know,I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal
Myself and I
We got some straigtening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
& Big girls don't cry

You've changed.I can see that.
But like you've said too,that whatever it is doesn't matter anymore cos it's far too late for anything now.
You're right.
...Everything's too late.
Nothing can ever be like how it was before.
I'm sorry I can't let us be like how we used to be.
Let's just say...it was a mistake.

From rumoured strangers,to friends,to playmates,to best confidantes,to brother-sister,to lovers...& down to nothing.
All the....
You gave me alot of memories to keep,to relive...everything.The things...memories that make me smile wistfully at how we were.Memories that make me miss so much...
Past tense though.
Thank you for the past,no matter how unreal it seems now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First day of school was pretty okay I guess.& I'm not emo k,half a dozen people by the end of today asked if I was fine,saying that I was looked like a walking zombie & that I haven't spoken to them all day though they sit just behind me. Lol nah.I'm okay : D Superwomannnn. I'm just....I dont know.Monday blues?Haha.Reopening of school wasn't half as bad lah k,& plenty of laughter in Halilah's class,she & her "You think funfair ah?! " Oh god.She's so hilarious.& Sometimes she bursts out laughing herself first before she finishes retorting.I bet she finds her antics funny as well -.- Lol.

Alot of stress going on.I dont know how to cope & I dont dare to wish or hope for anything...I dont even dare to think about it.
Term 3 already.Four years in this school...seems like yesterday I was just a puny lil sec 1 with all the big dreams & naive imaginations.
But now,2 months to prelims & 2 months half or so to O's & I'll be gone.
The same horrified feeling.The icy cold feeling of dread.Tummy clenching & unclenching.Heart accelerating.Mind not thinking straight.
...Okay okay.Stop it.

Goodnight world.

2007-06-23T01:53:00.000+08:00

I dont understand why most people can't accept me for who I just am.Sometimes,don't you all think you've far too high expectations of me?Haven't any of you ever considered what I really liked & loved doing & not just keep pressing down all these....."common sense" behaviour guidebook on me? I hate being compared to,I'm sorry if I'm not as perfect as you all wish me to be.& why not stop to think,that maybe its okay for me to just be....ordinary.I dont have to be special or better in any way.

You all never cared about what I really wanted.Have you all ever asked if I really like the piano?Have you all ever sat down or took time to talk to me,try to find out more about who I am inside,to understand my thoughts & feelings?Have you all ever cared what I needed or yearned for?Do you all understand me at all,as a person?No.You all don't.You all just treat me as some kind of robot and assume that I'm like this,like that,will do this & that...according to your 'perfect guidebook'.How irritatingly arrogant.

People would see actions done by you all as strict actions of love.Don't try that on me.I know better. I've seen & heared things around here,things that would send chills up your spine if you knew that I did& you would shiver at my knowledge of the ongoings.My childhood was shut out,i never had one.All the facades...how disguisting.I'm getting there?Oh please.Come on.I was already there from the very beginning.The ability of independence.Have you all ever thought how sickened or tired I was feeling,having to take care of things all my myself,trying hard to live up to the fantasies that I would be,trying to not to disappoint you all,& having to lock off all my years & desires & give up so much just cos of you all?Have you all even cared?

Sometimes,it gets very tiring when you have to be strong & independent all the time,to be exactly like what people want & expect you to be.You all don't understand the kind of loneliness,hatred for self & yearn.How much everything,every single word,action done impacted on me.Blame yourselves that I'm who you all see now,this moment.

Haha.I'm a monster?
Yeah I am,so?This is the only first time,I'm feeling so real,alive.
Now now,don't fret.This is just the beginning.
There's plenty more to come,soon.
Just you all wait.Watch & see.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
& Big girls don't cry.

I miss you.

2007-06-20T23:25:00.000+08:00

I'm shaking inwardly.Insides twisting.Hands weak & trembling.Feeling like I'm about to break down any moment.

& I dont really know why.
I feel like a bloody jellyfish.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bam.Ouch.
That heavy load of memories I tried so hard to shut away just rammed itself into me suddenly.&Everything spills over into a mess.Flashes,scenes of the past that I thought I'd forgotten & got over is getting to me,again.I feel them eating into me,bit by bit.I remember I used to have nightly dreams about them.They would keep haunting me,& I only managed to stop them nearing to the end of last year,not too long ago.

Memories that make me smile.Memories that make me sad.Memories that make me miss dearly.Memories that make me cry.Memories that make me laugh.Memories that make my heart ache.& one that made us say goodbye.All imprinted deep inside.When I look back,I wonder if everything would have turned out differently if the mistakes weren't made.I hate myself for being who I was then.So much.

The images replay themselves over & over again.How did things change so drastically in a sudden then?What really happened actually?I don't think I'll ever have my answer,everything have passed so long.
Maybe I was never meant to understand anyway.

It went over the line of attraction,relationship & feelings.
It was so much...more than that.
Something that no one,nothing can ever even come close to it.

Both of them.The two good friends.
Ncc sea & everything else that came along into my life with their existence.
They changed me,taught me so much about life,morales & this world.I learnt,saw so much through them.
All the used to be(s).

I kept running,on & on after they left.
Until now,I've never really stopped running either.
I've just been hiding from myself,pretending to forget so as to force myself to get over,give up & let go.
But I can't stop.Never.
Cos if I stop,even for a split second...
I think I'll die.

2007-06-19T20:51:00.000+08:00

Sometimes,some people leave such a deep effect that you will find that no one could ever possibly replace that friendship if you ever lost it.No one could ever come close to their existence & meaning in your life.Even if you have people that you love dearly in your life for being your best support & that you will die if you lost them too.It's just different.

People always say if the old doesnt go,the new doesnt come.However,no matter how much you do treasure the new,it can never replace the old completely.
Never.

...I never did forget.
You never really knew how much you meant to me.
& how much you affected me by shutting me out suddenly that time.

But it's all past tense.
I'm just glad to hear from you again,now.

Just maybe,I can still revive a friendship which I thought I'd lost almost 3 years back.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was hard but it was also time to say it.
I dont expect you to understand why anyway.

You never will either.

2007-06-13T23:08:00.000+08:00

I feel so much better &...lighter in a way now.Like...I've thrown away some really heavy things that's been dragging me down for goodness knows how long,& I feel...new.

I let myself sink into the negativity of everything & now,it's time to wipe the slate clean.Many things have been going on borrowed time,when it should have ended like ages ago.I wouldnt be here if without some of the best people I've ever met,helping me out,supporting me always & always understanding me.

Namely Abygail Tan Li Shan.

Same pri school until now,10 years & still going on strong : D Best friend.Many things left unsaid,but I think we both understand each other well enough. I miss you,let's go out shopping again soon.Thanks for today love.

& People like Goh Weijia,who for the past few years has never stopped caring for me like a little sister,for giving me the best advice & shoving me wake up calls when I needed them.He taught me so much about life & changed me for the better.Someone who gave me directions when I was lost,Ah gong : D Meanwhile,you better not bully her k.Although I think she's very capable of bullying you instead HAHA.

A bunch of guys,the china 'gang' to be precise.You guys showed me the true meaning of loyalty,friendship & respect.Always behind me in everything I do,& never for once made me feel uncomfortable.You all brought much fun & plenty of laughter into my life,some of you are the best brothers I could ever ask for,always caring & checking that I'm okay.Also a beloved sister,Wanzhuo.Who never fails to care for me 24/7,doing sweet stuff to surprise me,keeping me out of boredom all the time.She's been there for me all this while,taking care of me & helping in every way she could.Thank you,all of you all.Much love (:

A girl called Imee Anra Lim.Lead actress and subtitle translator in the first film I ever produced,"Hope,not lost." I miss the filming times & everything,how we went all out to do our best for the film & although it was pretty raw but we all had a great time : D She's been there for me & giving me pretty good advices,some were wake up calls that made me realise things & see everything in a clearer picture as well.With her,confirm there'll be much laughter & smiles with her antics & stuff. Thank you dear.

The love of my life,Tinghui! Oh man.She's been there for me like forever,always making me realise alot of stuff.I know I can trust her with anything & I can just spill out my heart stuff.She always makes me laugh & cheers me up with all her bimbo-ness & stuff,going out with her is super fun.We do childish stuff & the craziest things without being self concious. Miss you many,harry potter k!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's alot of other people like the usual clique,Ashley,Richny,Jingyi,Sunny & Brian,Jian,Pri school people & ....etc. Love.

(Below will just be a bomb of pictures,heh.Lazy to write captions already.)

& Then I fall asleep,only in hopes of dreaming that everything would be like it was before.

2007-06-09T19:30:00.000+08:00

I feel a million times fucking better after cutting hair today.
Short hair now,bye long hair.
It feels like a refreshed start,letting go of all the heaviness previously.

Thanks abby for everything.For being there for me,for understanding me always.You know I can't find the words to say <3 Ten years & still going on strong.

2007-06-07T21:22:00.000+08:00

The piano feel isn't there as it used to be anymore.
Slipping slipping slipping.
Getting far too way...off.
& my competition is coming up.Which clashes with prelims.

...I can't take it.I'm freaking out every second inside,trembling negatively. Maybe it's cos I've been trying too hard for far too long for everything.I've never been one to take failures well yet I'm always failing in whatever I do.So I want to believe I can but somewhere inside me tells me I can't.Those kind of contradictory feelings which are pulling me deep down under.
I definitely define the definition of a complete loser.

I need a direction.Any,direction.
I can't afford to crash now.
Someone,guide me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You guys looking for her?
I'm sorry,that girl which you both used to know/love/see from young died a long way back.
Very long way back.

...I dont think there's any chance for her to be reborn,either.
This,applies to both of you.

2007-06-02T21:14:00.001+08:00

Today is a good day I suppose,cos its been a long time since I met & hanged out with them.Feels really heartwarming,all the old times.Weijia's sister birthday was today,so he made me go his house to join in the fun ( although I swear I tried all ways to not go ) cos....of many reasons,lol. But anyway,it was good.(: Weijia's MJ friends are damn hilariously funny & friendly,like...Tedious,Yingmin,Jessie(?)...etc people.One of them looks very like marvin.A much slimmer version =x But the old people i already knew was Weijia,Baoying,Chuhong,Naiyu,Hinfan & Eugene.After two years leaving Tk,they havent' changed much.Chuhong's sweettalking is getting to higher levels,Weijia is getting lamer by each second & Naiyu's face is still forever red.Thats about all.

Wlao get suaned like crazy grrrrrr.Had a long arguement with Eugene ( I knew him cos ex TK but we were never friends until today ).He says im short! Wtffffff.Just cos I said both him & chuhong are short.But both of them are guys...of around my height eh! Then hinfan come stand among us & we all sian already -.- Weijia's mum is damn cute,she wanted to talk to me about bags cos weijia told her I'm a taimei & insists his mum must speak to me in chinese then zai o.0 Then chuhong,eugene plus baoying gang up against me,try to play this "cat find ball" game.They hid my wallet so that I couldnt go home,bully! In the end I found it,thanks to eugene who unknowingly gave the game away.^^ keke.Then another found of argument started with naiyu,baoying & chuhong on the same team : ( Refuse to let me leave.In the end I still got my way & left early around 8 : D But not before me & baoying suffocated pig naiyu who was attempting to sleep on weijia's bed,by covering the blanket over him and smashing pillows against his face and letting eugene pounce onto him.HAHA.Gg already lah.So chuhong & weijia sent me to kembangan mrt & yes I'm back home now.Good luck for A levels k you all! (:

{huh,the only catfight that will happen around is not between me & baoying k Eugene,more like between us! Eh but wait.You're a dog not a cat right?So dog cat fight. ^^}

Think I'm going to go Kallang macs later to study the night throughout :/ Naiyu,chuhong & weijia plus me played chatting musical chairs while eating.Then they all say they that time one week before 0's then study also no problem,A maths whole year f9 but then 0' levels A2,so ask me dont worry -.- Chuhong say his english prelims c5 but 0 levels A2 & alot of other stuff then they all ask me dont stress out ah -.-

I GOT NOTHING TO SAY ALREADY EXCEPT THAT I'M STILL GONNA STUDY SO STOP CURSING ME K EUGENE.

With that,bye bye world! Zoooooooom*
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You can bring your jealousy & get as far away from me as possible.
Whatever,I am sick of this.

2007-05-30T23:54:00.001+08:00

I need someone.Right now.
Anyone,please.

I'm sorry but I don't know if I can keep up this act how much longer.
Playing happy was never & will never be my specialty anyway.
To just crash any moment.
Anytime.

Nevermind me.I'm just moodswinging.
Oh,& indulging in extreme selfpity I suppose.
_________________________________________________________________

Just one good cry.
Really.That's all I need to let out the tiredness,stress,pain & then to pick myself up again.
Tonight.I'll be over & done with it.

2007-05-29T15:09:00.000+08:00

So the talk with Gerry last night didn't go as bad as I thought,although I think I should have deserved a scolding cos it would have made me feel thoroughly better I suppose.

& So we're dropping the whole project cos there are hitches here & there in the script & we're all brainstuck.It's no one's fault cos even if we did continue,the film is probably going to suck cos we're all seeing it as a burden,a task to get it over & done with asap.Which is not the way.Film doesnt deserve to be treated this way,& I guess in a way we shouldnt abuse it.

It's not about the piorites or the committment at all.
That's all just bloody excuses.
I just dont see the passion,that simple.

The drive is gone,the love for film is missing,the motivation we all need is not there.Everything's going the wrong way,this isn't supposed to be something that's so...stressing.So why continue?I know you all think that I'm pissed or unhappy with it.The fact is I'm not.Yes,I was pissed yesterday cos I just left for toilet like a few minutes & when I came back,I get this bombshell.Try being in my shoes & you will know how upset you would be,& there's the feeling of like,conspiracy.I suppose I was selfish in a way earlier,cos I was upset that this whole film thing is to be dropped just like that,when it might be the last chance I might ever get to do film again.Filming,the thing that isn't just a hobby for me,it's an attachment,it's inside me cos it makes me feel alive.It's something I really love to do that comes from the heart,it's not a 'work'.But i know (as gerry pointed it out), that film is like an open book,something full of emotions& life,it can't be forced or it'll suck.It'll be a sin to confine something so natural & real,even if we hang ourselves a thousand times over & over again,it just wouldn't do.Anyway you get my whole pt.

...Whatever.
I'm fine now cos I think since its going to suck even if we do it,so I suppose it's better to drop it now.Dont mind me,I'm just highly disappointed.

It's just a difference in ideology & passion.
& Now,give it all for prelims & O'levels cos that's all we have left.
As for me,since this connection to film is being forsaken,I'll be retreating from this world permanently into a world of my own & just me only with my own piorities.

...So good luck,&hope we're all still alive when we see each other again after O's.(:

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Sorry that I snapped at you last night & thank you for being understanding. (Jian)

Sorry Lifeng,that Im not in the mood today to go out or anything...but I promise that I'll get a day out free for you this hols k.

Thank you for hearing me rant rubbish just so I could let out my fustration last night. (Jasmine.)

2007-05-28T21:59:00.000+08:00

Many love & thanks to Wanzhuo,for being there for me even when she's currently in china lying on the hospital bed with a fever.Take care k girl,dont worry bout me I'll be fine.

Jingyi,be strong k.We'll prove them wrong,& remember,I'm here if you need anything,anything at all.I love you,take care dear.

Will miss all those who are going overseas or went back to their countries.Ashley's coming back tmr,yay.(: Changxu & Kaileun,hui xiang ni men de laaaaaaa.

Forget it,let's just drop it then.
...It's okay.

This is the end of it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where d'you go,I miss you so.

2007-05-24T19:25:00.001+08:00

I'm dizzingly sick & tired of everything at the moment.
Feeling repulsive & the hard disappointment is eating into me.

No way is this kind of disguisting,eyesore thing going to be seen,ever again.
First time in four years of Sec sch,but it won't appear a second time.
This is a promise I'm making to myself.
& Don't give up on me when I haven't,please.

I'll be MIA'ing from this world &whatsoever that'll be going on until 0'levels are officially done & over with.
So from this moment on,goodbye.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sorry I have to do this.Thank you for the support & understanding.

But maybe next time.
Not now.

2007-05-23T01:53:00.000+08:00

I suppose at some point or another,everyone will have a time where they get so dizzingly sick of themselves,they just give up.This world is like a vicious cycle,what goes around comes around,the way karma works is as simple as that.However,if we take a moment to stop & think,we'd realise how much this world has changed,& just a question; have we lost ourselves in the midst of everything?How much have we ourselves changed?

Family ties/kinship forsaken,morales forgotten & lo& behold,the era of survival of the fittest takes over.It's like a game of predator & prey,where if one is not strong enough to withhold its own stand,the person instead would be stepped on mercilessly,given no second chance to be recover.Still,even so,there's a constant fear in everyone that there is someone above them,regardless how much power they already have.There's no definite reigning absolute power,& that's where the danger comes in.

Human natures are generally like a windvane,they change direction according to the changing world which is like the wind.This society we live in now,has changed to something so deformed,that it's absurdly ugly.We're all part of this mass masquerade party,where you can't differentiate between the real & the fake.

....................Okay nevermind.
I have no idea what rubbish I was talking above.
It was just some thoughts,some questions i was asking myself when I came across some friendster profiles of people.
Just a thought,really.

Me & Alex both want to study physchology! Whoo.
Yeah,let's all try to go Canada k.Accompany Changxu anyway.I'll probably be the latest in going there : ( Gah,no fair no fair no fair no fair.Nevermind,I've got Alex staying until JC finish,bleah you all.
Cornflakes are the love ayeeeee.

3 am in the morning at the moment,I'm still stressing myself over the geog mye paper & the answers for every qn.So...
Good morning starshines,the earth says hello! : D

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was you,who chose to end it like you did.

If I can't be your everything,why not I be nothing at all instead?

2007-05-22T12:22:00.000+08:00

SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME FUCKING IDEAS FOR SCRIPT.

Fustration fustration fustration.Staying at home to work on the script & restudy every qn on geog mye paper might be a bad idea afterall. Abbyyyyyy & Imeeeeeee. : (

Heng ah,at least dont have to see Mr Lee (P).Keke.

Thanks kaileun,changxu & wanzhuo,love! Sorry I didnt go school today k,shut the complaining changxu you also pangseh me ytd what,talk so much wlao -.-

Tinghui > Hello dear.I hope you're okay cos you didn't sound like you were ytd night.Just want to let you know that you're a great girl k,so don't bother what others say.You are who you are,why bother about all the comparison?Just know it yourself that it's not true & sometimes people are just saying it to spite you,see.You are special in your own way,she is she.It's a different thing altogether,as humans,everyone have their own unique characteristics isn't it?So don't let all these get to you k.You know that I love you loads regardless how much we've drifted or anything,&I'll always be here for you.Take care,love of my life : D Ahaaaa.

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I suppose everyone's right,it's time to let go of you once & for all.

There's this saying like,it's never too late & all that bullshit.
Maybe in this case,everything is too late.
Cos' I think it's impossible between us already,nothing can go back to before...there's just this barrier that none of us is able to get through,at least until this moment.
Well,don't you think so?

Tell me about it.

2007-05-19T23:30:00.000+08:00

All the post exam playing has been the greatest shitzx man.Kbox with the usual china clique on friday afternoon before tuition,man,it's been a damn long time since we all went there together.I swear wanzhuo & kristal are so damn high,they were like jumping around on the sofa and climbing on top of the sofa thing o.0 They screamed like mad women,& many many crazy stuff.KIDDIES,HAHA. =x Called lifeng and sang to him over the phone,camwhoring,pair songs with changxu&liyuan like the old times...etc.Changxu's singing improved alot k,from the last time &he's like damn proud of himself at the moment.Liyuannnnnnn,you better buck up you're sliding worhxxxxx.Keke,Lol.& They say that I'm still maintaining my top rank girl singer that they know,yay.

Today,ziwen's birthday celebration.Didnt make it for geog in the morning cos I was unwell and mum was like,"If you don't stay home,you're not going out in the afternoon for your friend's birthday celebration." & i went "T.T!!!?" I was glad to stay in bed in the morning though (Ms yap is so going to kill/strangle me on monday,uh oh.) Met Kaileun,Wanzhuo,Changxu & Lin yi at bugis street to shop for ziwen's birthday present,which one of the shirts we bought for him,we had changxu to try it on.& I tell you,he looks..so.damn.good in that formal black shirt with thin silver lines striped down,all of were like "Omgz,changxu damn shuaiiiiiii eh.You want to buy one for yourself?!!!" So therefore me & wanzhuo came to a conclusion : Guys look fucking good in formal shirts. (Except for a few cos it'll make them look like ah bengs instead.)
& I told changxu to get rid of all his t-shirts immediately cos it makes him look really stupid(oops.) & ordered him immediately to clean out his wardrobe and refill it with formal shirts instead,short sleeve or long sleeve,anything but t-shirts.Then some others met us at bugis mrt station,& when alex came,my jaw literally dropped.He was wearing that same purple crown shirt from that time,and I've seen him wear that for like what,6 times??!!! Which sometimes in two three consecutive weeks on saturdays,I see him in that same shirt. -.- Hur,I swear that I'm going to get him more shirts man,he is seriously in need of it.As in,really really reallyyyyyy in need.

So then we all head to pasir ris to find ziwen at the bbq pit there,had a long talk with lifeng about stuff from the mrt,on the bus ride until walking to the pit.& we're both pretty horrified at what's happening,but I suppose we can't really do anything bout it but just sit & watch it happen.All we can do is to pray that no one gets hurt,hopefully.& I realised that they really like to suan me,walao.They were all sitting on the railing,then i was just standing and holding onto the railing then they were like "Eh eh eh,climb up and sit lah! You cannot right,nevermind nevermind we all understand~" Wtffff! Then i gave them that look & just jumped up and sat on the railing which all of them counted to 3 & started clapping for my supposedly "Mission impossible".HUR,assholes. : ( Think you all cute ah.

There was about...40 plus people?We were separated into two pits,really alot of people around.Then we went to the beach to play,everyone started doing dumb things,even our most dignified da ge,Lu Changxu horh.Sadly I can't post any pics on blogger cos it doesnt seem to be able to upload? o.0 I dont know.Then there was this 'making out session' between changxu,alex&fengbo...ewwww very sick.Then another um......hot kissing session between Lin yi & Fengbo which all of us made quite a din out of it.Siah lah,they really hold very long man,& it's mind polluting,gah! For these photos,you can ask me for it : D Then go spread around,yay.I just realised how cute fengbo is cos he says & does the stupidest things,HAHA.Like he'd take my cam & act like a pro then end up messing up the settings in my cam ( you ass lah. ) If he had a mustache like Jay chou,he would look like a replica of jay chou already,oh so cool.

I'm thankful for you bunch and all the times together plus the times you all have been there for me.I'm specially grateful to these guys who feels almost like my kin brothers,Changxu,Kaileun and Lifeng. Much love.

Im damn tired & I just reached home.Off to contd my reading of the chapters for this week (Geog,Ss & History). Xoxo!

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Dont you think it's time to put a fullstop to everything?
An end to this...mess.

So tell me,does it hurt or worry you that I might not be there anymore the next time you ever turn around expecting to see me standing there waiting as usual,as I've always been?

23 stars ; You do remember afterall.
So maybe I might be wrong...but don't you miss her?

2007-05-17T18:25:00.000+08:00

To say that my mid year results are really bad,would be putting it mildly.In fact,I think you could say it was horrendously terrifying.5 out of 7 subjects failed,which one of them which is chinese,I didnt even take the fucking exam cos I've got my A1 for chinese 0 levels already.Which means the only subject that I passed out of 6 subjects I took for midyears,is geog.Which passed by like what,1 fucking mark?

...This is the worst result I've ever seen in all my years in TK,these four years in fact.For god's sake,it's the first time I've gotten anything below 55 for english,which I got a 49 for it this time (Wtf.) And it's also the first fucking time I ever failed my combined humans since upper sec,with a mark of 44 which is really bad.Oh,my chem is an f9,kee hoe will be after me very soon.

I dont have the fucking mood for any play thing or whatsoever,& damn right am I going to start studying now &just slave my ass off for my last 5 months that can save me in whatever way for 0 levels.& I'll be damned if I dont get an A1 for geog,I swear.

All the hard disappointment & demoralised feelings really suck,& I feel like absolute crap on the floor now.Whatever.Time to pack up my emotions and just move on with it,restart all over again.I've got a piano comp,a film and 0 levels waiting for me,life goes on,I can't stop here or break down now.
Screw this.

-Useless.

2007-05-14T20:05:00.000+08:00

Reality check. -Disappointment.
Maybe sometimes...what you give,is not what you get.Just a thought here.
I hope this world can be just be a lil more fair to me...at least.Sigh nevermind.I'm just indulging in self pity probably.So dont mind me.

Mid years is pretty screwed up,by the looks of it,it's worse than usual.& I really wonder how the hell it happened.I know i fell sick halfway through it,but now I regret not taking an mc on those days to take on another day.Now see what happened,my marks are on the line.Ah,what's done is done I guess.I already vision my name being on top of kee hoe's list so...well.That's something unavoidable.

& So....From now on,I'm going to read one chap of geog,history and ss each day before I sleep!Read the same chap every night for a week & so on.& If I dont manage to remember everything by prelims...I'll hang myself.(: Anyway i've had enough play for the last few days,time to get back to studying anyways.

Changxu,Lifeng,Abby,Nicole,Richny & Ashley > Xie xie niiiiiii.

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You always had the ability to manipulate my feelings.
Ouch.

I just wish you knew exactly what you're doing.

2007-05-09T22:29:00.000+08:00

Blogger's been annoying me these days,urgh.
A maths paper 2 = GG AH.Hur hur.Now one more subject fail.
So far,let's see...A maths &combined science.And if I don't get like around 80 for tmr's E math paper 1,I'll fail E maths too.So which means...fail three already.*HORROR.

I have no mood to study E maths at all even though tmr is my last ray of hope...Ah,well.

I think some people are just too hypocrital for words,while some,are just too assuming.Don't you think so?
Sorry ah,I broke my promise : ( But i promise I'll watch pirates with you all one! That one confirm plus chop okay,really really.

Exams.Are.Going.To.Be.Over.Soon.
YES.
Oh,&dad bought me a red cam! Quite slim & super light,it's so pretty : D Even though its not the sony red one i originally wanted...but nevermind,i'll make do with this,hehe.It's red! Awh. So pretty pretty.(: & he's gonna sponsor my shopping spree tmr! Omg,i swear smth has gotten into my parents.

I had better go try & concentrate on studying,I dont want to regret it later :/
Ciao!

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...Men.(Rolls eyes),Urgh.
But still...thanks for teaching me sec 3 E maths today,hur hur.I am super demoralized in maths in front of you cos I'm a sec four yet I'm letting a sec 3 teach me,wa lao : ( But nevermind,whatever it is,it worked! Haha.

& So everything remains silent.

2007-05-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

I fucking hate my degraded brains & pathetic incapability.

63 marks gone for E maths paper 2 just cos my brain crashed although I did sleep last night,sufficently too.& It's not that I didn't know how to do those qns,i look at them,I'm fucking sure I do know but my brain just wouldnt start working.Even for one marks qns.
I did study.I practised everything I could find.I tried & did all the qns,brushing up on my sec 3 topics like crazy for fear I would lose out on them.
For the first time in years since secondary school,I honestly hoped,believed that I would do well for E maths cos I knew I was prepared,confident...something I've lost since primary school.
But hey,look what happened.All the efforts...= A big fat 0.

Totally zip,zero,nothing.

& I doubt I can pull back a pass in paper 1 even if i work damn hard cos I suck at mental calculation.
E maths = F9 already.
Confirm plus chop.
So what does this show?

...I am going without sleep for the rest of the days until exams are over next thursday.
& Maybe,looks like I'm destinied to suck in maths.

Geog MCQ & A maths paper 2 are my last chances for the two subjects.
Stop feeling fucking demoralized,Weiru.
This.is.not.the.end.of.the.world.yet.
& I refuse to get screwed by KeeHoe when he does his whole "demoralizing" thing again after midyears.I do not want my name on that bloody list of his again.No shitz from him.No,no.

-Thank you Imee,Abby,Nicole,Wanzhuo,Donna & Edward.
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With love.(?)

...& There you go MIA again.
Sigh.

2007-05-03T19:34:00.000+08:00

I think I'm really lucky for history today.
Source based was good,essay on nazi concidentially came out on how hitler used his power to establish dictatorship,which was something I (luckily) still remember fragments of,from the level test few weeks back.It's either a good fail or a bare pass.Ah,well.At least better than I hoped,considering that I didnt study as much as I planned to last night cos I crashed out on the bed & never woke up until this morning around 4 am due to insufficient sleep for the past week continuously,& start panicking.
& Besides.Everything that I did manage to study didn't come out for anyway. -.- Screw you Mariam.Can't you like for two essays in one theme come out one for each chap in the theme?...Stupid post war china of Theme 3.

& I just can't get over the fact that I lose 30 marks for section B geog cos I brain crashed halfway& wrote too slow,when i knew everything.I even thought the paper was pretty easy to some extent that perhaps I could aim for a B.But looks like I've thrown away my own B by throwing away 30 marks unwritten.Sigh.All I can do now is to pia damn hard for my MCQ to like manage a bare pass only.Fuck fuck fuck.

E maths tommorow.Why do I have a sinking feeling about the whole MYE thing?

Operation Revenge:
Plan A accomplished,Ashley.Hi five!
...& Now,for Plan B. : D

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Hey love,listen to what we're not saying.

Don't go,stay here with me.
I miss you.

2007-05-03T02:31:00.000+08:00

Hello world.
It's 5.30 am in the morning now & I still dont think I'm ready for history later.
Tsk tsk.Exam's in like...one half hour & less time?

Good game lah,history.
& Mdm Mariam. :/

...Tadeedum.I love history so much that I can just sleep now.

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It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.

-Truly,madly,deeply.
Hmm.

2007-04-23T21:36:00.000+08:00

MYE MYE MYE MYE MYE MYE.Confidence....come on.
Very very drained&grumpy today.Hmm.
&Abby.I'd rather stay this way,being lost & messed up rather than find my way ( which i have a gut feeling will lead me backwards,you know what i mean ).So therefore,I'd rather be in denial & everything rather than fall back &then everything turns worse,probably.I would feel alot worse than i do now even.

I'm sorry I gave you the attitude today,&even when you purposefully walked past me & bothered to say "Hey..." (Even though it sounded very uncertain on your part,probably cos you thought i was still upset over it) ,I still didn't say anything,just giving you a half hearted smile.
Just know that it was nothing really personal towards you. ( Even though I guess I know what you were thinking cos of things that happened between us. )
Anyway,I'm fine already.It's over,gone,past.
Everything has been said & done,there's nothing left between both of us.
& Yes,friends.

We will start as friends,all over again.
So at this moment,
Let's start by saying Goodbye.

& Hello.Welcome back,friend. (:

But you have probably no idea how much I miss you.
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A certain Melvin Goh ______.
I feel as though I'd die any moment of this pain, ---from one half to two years ago.
What's left is just remembrance & fragment of those memories.
Looks like I haven't stopped learning how to not rely/depend on you,even until now.
It's high time that I do start learning before things get worse or I start falling back.

Everything has changed.
Nothing's the same anymore.
At then,who would have known that one &a half to two years later...

-Now.

2007-04-22T23:15:00.000+08:00

Looks like I'm gonna break the whole supposedly hiatus thingy,but forget it.
I need to blog tonight cos I'm feeling so fucked up that I'll probally start blasting my usual really bad trantums in a moment or two.
I know this is a really bad time for emotions to be fluctutaing...but,well.

Impt Note : I suggest everyone to actually not read what I'm going to be blogging below actually.Exp Bgf ah gong ( If you happen to come across my blog again. )

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Seems like I haven't forgotten.
Somehow,the past still follows me around like a shadow,& I can't shake it off.

I've been having dreams & been thinking alot about the past,recently.
I'm sorry,but I have.
The past,that I thought I've forgotten a long long time ago.
Afterall,it's been a year plus to two since everything happened already.
It's been so long...yet unknowingly I'm still stuck onto old habits of listening repeatedly to songs like "The queen&the soldier" , "Blind",which holds a certain significant value to me.
I still do sit at the same place at Pw Mos alone,remembering.
Bugis elevator,toriQ,charlie & the chocolate factory & many other things.

Opened the box yesterday.
Read that letter you wrote,dated one & a half year back.
Cried.
...& cried.

Somehow,the pain feels so real&so deep inside,like as though it's only yesterday that you left.
& the images of us in the past keeps replaying in my eyes.
The way you made me feel...
I never felt quite the same way as I did with you after that all this time.
July 23,11.45 pm.

...
This just wouldn't do.
I can't.

Ouch.

2007-04-18T23:30:00.000+08:00

Mr Ng's words.

Playing like a record over &over again.
Realization&fear.
Thank you Mr Ng.

I love you,Abygail.You keep holding on too,take care.
&Jingyi,thanks for the support.(: You're the love.
Thanks,Jian.For being there all the while recently.

I love Mrs Poh for making extra time whole heartedly for me to teach me geog even though I'm not her student.Thank you.

What if I don't make it.
The question remains.

Cos I can't take it.I refuse to break down.I won't let it happen.Even if the reality is that I can't make it,I will do everything to make it.I must.
There's no time or room for mistakes&failure,anymore.
I'm sick,tired&fedup when at this stage,I still can't do many difficult sums despite all the massive practise & studying.

...Half a year to go.

WILL BE ON HIATUS UNTIL MYE'S ARE OVER.
Goodbye world,for now.
Take care everyone,study hard &good luck for the upcoming MYE's.
Will be back.

...Until then.

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When you walk away,I count the steps that you take.
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone,
the pieces of my heart are missing you.
When you're gone,
the face I came to know is missing too.
When you're gone,
all the words I need to hear to always get me through the day,
and make it okay...
I miss you.

2007-04-17T23:36:00.000+08:00

Went library after SS test with kaileun & wanzhuo to find the ponners,changxu & de wei.TSK.Asses lah you all :/ & we did some studying.Changxu gave me 4 qns of logarithms which he couldnt do,&guess what,I can't any of them either. : ( I feel panicky & damn demoralised,crap.De wei today shooted this back at me while in a bicker : "Haiyah,you live too long already what,of course too old & too stupid lah!Zzzz." WA LAO.What live too long?You think you funny ah,idiot. -.- Wanzhuo's science is.....o.0 Hai.Me & Kaileun look at poor Lin an beside her trying to teach her that simple ws on elements from her wb,we couldnt stop laughing.The expression on Lin an's face was priceless I tell you,when wanzhuo asks the most simplest,basic qns or when she ask qns like,"What's sodium?Then if test come out sodium,how I know it's NA when im not given the periodic table?" -.- HUR HUR.

Just got off the phone with Changxu cos he's gonna sleep.
&Both of us agrees that Jiadong is our entertainment.HAHA.
Thanks for everything Changxu : D
& Also.
Thanks Lin yi for the talk just now.Painful,yes.Very painful.It's fucking painful.Lol.So now you know.Sigh.

Jingyi,way to go love! We'll make it for 0's : D Anytime girl.

I think my Geog,A maths,Ss & Physics for mid year is pretty screwed up ¬ up to my standards.Shit.I give myself break after MYE from 10th to 20th,to play/go crazy & everything,Changxu says I'm out of my mind & I sure know how to let myself rest siah :/ Eh whats wrong with my schedule hur hur hur hur hur.

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Haha.Expected.Nevermind.

I wish you knew.
&Only know that you turn back,then you realise that I've been here standing,waiting...all this while,.

2007-04-16T00:10:00.000+08:00

The more I study,the more I remember how close MYE's are,the more I keep getting the sinking feeling that I'm going to screw up every single thing real badly,& then the more I start getting all worked up &stressing more,studying more just in case.

Im starting to really like vectors.Heh.It's pretty fun once you get the hang of it afterall.

Some shoutouts!
Jingyi&Yanting : Yeah,winners.(: They're not worth the time,trust me.
Justyn : Goobjob,she's not worth it.I'm proud of you,keep it up!
Nicole : Hey,hope you're fine.Maybe find some time to go out after MYE's?Love.
Tinghui : Take care you,we'll be catching up real soon. <3
Abby : Great to see that you're slowly coping.I'll always be here.
Weijia : ...I'm sorry.
Alison : Aye.I'm so sorry I've neglected you so much these few weeks.I promise that we'll catch up after MYE's okay?
Rina : It'll be fine,hang on in there.^^
Jian : You'll find your way through everything.Someday,sometime.But hopefully soon.(:

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Apology accepted,you.
...I need time,sorry.
Just so you know,I meant it.

I miss you.I really do.

2007-04-14T23:17:00.000+08:00

You guys ah,just cos I'm not around doesn't mean you all can do anyway you want.Nevermind,I'll let it pass for once this time on account it was lifeng's birthday celebration.Jiadong,monday,you wait i tell you.You're officially dead.
Wanzhuo,don't get influenced.Please.

Changxu is the most guai one out of all! : D I knew he was dependable,ahaaa.
I've been a bad mood the whole day today,down...most likely.
But I've been trying to press down the feelings of insecurity & glumness since afternoon.
Congrats &goodjob Jian! I knew it (: Now,you need to STUDY,you ass.

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You're such a disappointment.
Over&over again,you told me lies,broke your promises.You know i don't like people who smoke,&i've always been pretty happy about the fact that you're not a smoker despite that the rest of them were mostly heavy smokers.Yet...you did,tonight.Plus,you got yourself all drunk &gabbling rubbish from time to time...again.

If it was really so painful,why did you even do all those to me in the first place.Then when i leave,you reverse back.The point is...?I don't get you.&I guess I never did & never will.

Have you ever gave a fucking shit about how I would feel.
...Oh I'm sorry.I guess I'm in no position to say these anymore.
I'm nobody to you,now.

&I'm fucking sorry that i ever cared,or still care so damn hopelessly much about you.
When you're obviously worth not even a millisecond of my time.

2007-04-14T00:43:00.000+08:00

Open your eyes,undo the scene.

Happy birthday lifeng,you've been my best support all this while.Love.(:
Thanks...Ziwen,Changxu&Kaileun. : D Thanks for everything guys.
Nicole,take care girl.
Jingyi,be strong,I'll be here. <3
Abby,you know what I'm gonna say &what I think.I believe in you dear.

MYE's inching closer&closer.
Looking forward to a 2 week short break after MYE's before returning into studying mode again.Promised to watch spiderman 3 & pirates of carribean 3 with the china usual group.Can't wait.

It's one am now.Going to study a lil chem for test on monday.
Goodnight people.

2007-04-11T01:23:00.000+08:00

... ... ... ... ..............
I refuse to screw up this MYE.
& I goddamn won't.

Finally things seem to be aiming for a good turn.
Good job.

Stressed.
Panic,air getting thinner,hard to breathe.
Bottled up,on &on,never stops.
Demoralised,being dissed at.
Worrying.
...&worrying.

I need faith & confidence.Now,where did they go &how come I don't remember when i lost them?
...Or maybe i never had them in the first place.
I fucking feel weak & totally useless.
Buck up weiru,hold on.Just hang on,it'll be over soon.

2007-04-09T21:46:00.000+08:00

Do not give me this bullshit.
I mean it.
Don't.You.Dare.

Oh,didn't I tell you?
I'm not going to look back anymore.
Never.
So let's just call it even when I'm walking out the door.

What goes around,comes around.You should know that by now.
So here's my resolution,I'm letting go.
Goodbye,you.

I'm in a generally pretty good mood today,keke.Maybe like what weijia says,recovery? (?!!?) Or maybe it's just the beginning of denial-ism.Hur hur,nevermind.
&I finally understood how he felt that time.A year back,I couldn't understand what he was feeling,couldnt understand why he could just so easily say he's tired & give up on us...a period of time even being angry with him.
But now i know.
Cos I'm feeling for 23 stars the same way as bgf did towards me that time.

A whole mass shitload of emptiness & disappointment is all that's left.
Nothing else,numbness.
Ouch.

Jasmine,I do not want a squeaking/squealing 'mouse' sitting behind me in class tmr horh :/ My godz.
Jingyi,I'll be behind you all the way love. : D Anytimeeeeee;
Weijia,you stupid ass never wait for me! &@%^$*@%~

Okay I'm going to contd mugging for geog settlement test tmr.I miss ms yap : / Sigh.History source based was a sucker,I can't believe i screwed it up,it's like one whole big chunk below my nomal standard,fuck.I probably wasn't in an "analysing'' mood that day.I'm so damn fucking tired at the moment,not cos of lack of sleep,but ...nevermind.

Nothing but an empty page.

2007-04-08T15:36:00.000+08:00

Bet you never thought that I could break you.
Did you think that I would look the other way
Yeah,you had it all figured out
But tell me who's the one who's crying now

...&Now i can breathe again,I'm never going back to you.
I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say.

Nothing inside me feels connected to you,anymore.

Abby,I love you girl.You know that <3 color="#ff0000">Jingyi,you're gonna be damn proud of me man,haha! (: Love.

This is to a beloved friend of mine,Tinghui.
I feel like shit,making you worry &everything.After I saw your blog post,I felt so... upset with myself cos you're there worrying about me while I'm being a bitch not telling you so much stuff.I'm sorry I've been such a lousy friend &that I can't always find the words to say.I've come to a point where...I have no words to explain myself anymore,cos those words are lost.All that I'm left with is a whole shitload of 'feeling like crap'.I can't say/express it,but I can feel it.I'm sorry I haven't been there for you recently,& for a moment I even felt that we were drifting apart.But now I see that the problem lies with me.I love you,& please know that I will always be there for you no matter what too.I miss the old times,where we first knew each other &we could just talk about anything,literally.We've both changed over these months,but you've been the love of my life,supporting me all these while,standing by my side when everyone just left me.You've been great,&although I'm turning out this way...I promise you that I'll be fine someday.&As soon as possible. <3

2007-04-07T19:06:00.000+08:00

I drove myself insane,wishing I could touch your face.
But the truth remains,you're gone.

I'm tired.
How many times have you come in &out of my life anyhow you liked?
You never gave a shit about how I would feel each time you left me hanging.
To you,you know that I would always be here so that's probably why you can don't feel anything,treating me this way.
I dont know anymore though,this time.
In case you haven't noticed,I'm not your playdoll or her substitute.
So, go figure.

...Ugh.&Also,it's funny to see how hypocrital some girls can get when they have a motive.

Crashing...crashing,crashingggggg'
I miss you.
I really do.
Ouch.

2007-04-06T21:40:00.000+08:00

I look& feel like crap at the moment.
I don't understand...how a person once so close to you,could just turn his back & forget about everything that happened.
Friendship = zero.
Suddenly,even the past doesn't seem real anymore.
I know I'm not &never will be good enough.
I feel...inferior to her.
But...at least.Give me credit for being the actual one who has been standing here for you all this while.
...If only you could see it.
But maybe you'll never understand.
You never did anyway,didn't you.

Everything is just so fucking ironical.The more I think about it,the more I want to burst out in cold laughter.

Crashing crashing crashinggggggggg'
I don't want to crash down like I did.
I know the feeling & I recognise the symptoms.
The symptoms are showing again this time round,
but I've learnt my lesson&I'm going to be strong willed enough to hold on.
I won't,will not let myself crash down...again.
Not if I can help it.

Thanks abby,for your whole day company today.Love.(:
Oh,Thanks Jian old ah pei for the attempting to cheer me up,hur hur.

All this pain...emotions.I'm swallowing every bit of it inside.
&There it'll stay for as long as I can take it.

2007-04-03T00:49:00.000+08:00

Just hung up the phone with abby.Feel so much better,thanks girl.Even though we didn't say much but I think we both understand what we're each feeling inside.
To just get away from this world,a long good break from all the shit happening &just have some time to ourselves.

Tinghui,thanks for the talk today,I felt better& more...open.So now you know,all the insecurity...I love you girl.For everything <3 Some friends are worth the piority given to them,some aren't cos they obviously don't give a shit at all.

I can't put how I feel into words anymore,everything bottling,compressing inside.It's like this monster inside,dying to get out but the doors of my willpower has locked it so tightly &now it's suffocating real badly.I feel like just forgetting everything,& just to the middle of a huge road & just breakdown & cry there.Forget the world,forget the noise,forget who I am,forget everything.

&just feel the real pain that's been kept away deep down for all this time.
Denial.

2007-04-01T23:01:00.000+08:00

Stupid ziwen,you idiot!
You think you cute ah!!?!?!!
What michael jackson thingy,wa lao,still laughing ah you,you you you.....stupid guy! : (
Not funny! :/

Wa lao,you also Changxu,stop laughing! : ( It's not funny,&you're not helping you dense idiot gah =/

Why is like everyone laughing tonight -.-
I forgot it was April fool's today shiatttt.
Tinghui you stupid woman,you gave me a damn big heart attack can,you can gena damn bad eh,collaborate against me : (

NOW EVEN WANZHUO IS LAUGHING/BULLYING ME WTFFFFF.
Not funny! Don't want talk to you already bleagh.

AH THE WHOLE WORLD IS DRIVING ME NUTS TONIGHT.Grrrrrr.

You,write the ending for this.
Two hours,& time started 9.40.
It's 11.10 at the moment.
30 minutes more to go.

&We shall see.
This,is the last time.

2007-04-01T01:38:00.000+08:00

Thanks for the....erm,offer.
Uh,I can take care of myself well ^^ Don't woryyyy.
Thanks anyway.Really,for everything all this time.

Okay.
So now why does like,the whole entire world think that I can't take care of myself?
This so does not make sense.
Not at all.
I think I've disappointed you again,Weijia.Maybe you thought I had more to who I was,& that I wouldn't be so stupid...Sorry.

There's a few people I want to talk to...but I dont have time,they don't have time.....or either when I try to tell them,I find that I don't know how to start without feeling like crap all over again,and how to explain the things &shit I felt.Sigh,nevermind.

I wish you cared more,girlfriend.
Cos I feel like I'm a sparetire friend to you,
like when there's no one on your piority favourite list who is available,
then you'd come to me.
It's not that I mind too much actually,as long as you still treat me as a friend &I still can be there for you.
But I dont like this feeling at all.
Not one bit.

Oh,Jiadong,You owe me lunch dammit. :/
Tinghui seems to be high tonight,good sign(:

It's 5plus in the morning at the moment.
Sweetdreams to whoever's sleeping on their comfy beds now.
That avril lavigne 'girlfriend' song of hey hey you you is stuck in my head dammit.
Ugh! -.-

Do I still matter to you?
Or...Did I ever matter to you from the start,or was I just a substitute all along?
I need to know...
Just to at least have a piece of mind to let go of you.

2007-03-29T19:35:00.000+08:00

Wierd,wierd things have been happening these days recently...
Funny feelings,unexpected moodswings&emotions...
Many things happening.
So,so,very rare,haha.
& Today,even though I slept at 5 plus this morning only,I'm in a really good mood plus very energetic.Nicole was shocked/surprised & blur at me when I suddenly turn & say "Hello nicole!" randomly in the canteeen today w/ a smile.Very surprisingly meh :/ Then straight after she asked me "Are you okay?" -.- Wa lao :( Ladeeedum.
Plenty of people weren't in school today o.O I think I'm getting the hang of mole concept already,yay.Vectors....half half,zzzz.I'm damn disappointed for my history test,wtf.

Shoutouts!
Jingyi : I want to talk to you girl : ( We need to talk so ever desperately.
Wanzhuo : Haha,'that' scene PAISEH HORH. =x
Tinghui : ...Bad gut feelings.Uh oh.
Leslie : Don't sad okay,cheer up!I'll pray for your hp to be found (:
Belinda : Thanks for T-shirt,really.Love!
Changxu : You don't be stupid okay,go off your com right now and go sleep! Stop facing the com & all the radiation that will make your sickness worse you dense idiot -.- Ugh,guys.Go sleep now lah! : (
Alex : Hello FRIEND! : D
Nicole : Girllllllllllllll.
Abby : ...All the unspoken stuff.

Hey you black butterfly,lunch tmr yo.

2007-03-27T01:19:00.000+08:00

Shit lah.I suddenly don't feel like studying geog already after pia'ing for it for like...the past 1 week? o.0 &Tommorow's the test already,no wait sorry.TODAY afternoon.I'm so tired,I just want to crash down on my bed & sleep,my brain is zonked out & I'm struggling to revive it now by eating these...extreme sour prunes. : / But it's taking effect,lol.

I don't seem to be having the drive/motivation tonight.Maybe cos I'm feeling down & tired at the same time,so I just want to go crash on my bed&sleep,then forget everything,just have a good rest.Unfortunately...I doubt so,at least,anytime much before O's i guess.

4H netball people,good job okay! : D
& Shit there's BodyJam tmr.
I dont want any accidents : ( AGAIN.

It's 1.30 in the morning now,27th March.
I've got..like four more parts to revise/restudy.Plus attempt some O levels qns for Geog TYS.
Looks like I'm going to sleep at 5 or maybe not sleep at all.
Off to mug more,sweet dreams to whoever's sleeping their asses off now.

It's been a long time I've felt this way.
This feeling of crashing down over&over again.
This helpless,lost feeling....feeling of loss,pain...despair.
...A very very,very long time ago since I remembered how it felt like.
So long ago...so far down buried that i almost forgot how bad it felt&everything.
&Now.
I'm feeling the exact same,but much...much worse.
...In fact.I've never felt any worse than I do now.

2007-03-26T00:49:00.000+08:00

This repressing feeling inside.
All the things...shut away.Deep down within.
Every thought,every single emotion...locked away.
Denial?
Maybe.

Thanks Nicole & Weijia for advising/cheering me up tonight : D

Nicole,I think...it's not superpowers,its....mental sickness =x Haha.Still,thanks for the talk girl,though it was super funny,LOL.Take care love.
Weijia,I'm not xmm lah!You dare punish me anything,i call her save me HAHA.I'll be fine,don't worryyyyyy okay?(:

Plenty of work to do,plenty of geog & A maths expecially plus all my self revision schedules.No sleep tonight again! Oh well. At least scripts are finally done,hurray : D Cheers.

You guys.Thanks for everything all along,all the advices,cheering up,respect,help &backing me up.No matter what happened,you guys has always been there for me.I'm sorry I haven't been there for alot of you guys recently.But everything stays the same regardless what happens.Just know that. I,haven't changed after all these bullshit. Take care you people. <3

This nagging,throbbing pain shut away,wanting to get out.
Ouch.
You drive away from my car crash of a heart.
So close,yet so far.

2007-03-24T23:03:00.000+08:00

A post-it-note is what I got.
It says "I'm sorry."

...But I know you're not.

Don't mess me up anymore.
I won't turn back.
You,don't either.
Cos you don't know what your own heart wants,you can't understand.
&You don't hear the pain I've felt all these time.

Over&over again.
One time too many.
I won't...be her susbstitute.Anymore.

2007-03-24T20:42:00.000+08:00

Very tired....today.
In the end,I still didn't manage to sleep early last night.Damn.
Mrs Poh called me today & talked to me about extra geog lessons arrangement with her cos ms yap isn't around.I can't believe it,she's so...helpful even though I'm not her student & never was.She was like "Study before you come see me on monday ah,although I know you probably already started a few weeks ago" -.- heh heh.She's so damn nice,omg.Thank you so much Mrs Poh,going through all the trouble for me &making arrangements for my geog.

Piano was good today,I feel much better in whole already.Called lifeng to ask where he was then he said he was at parkway with belinda (his godmum) & I was like " I'm in parkway too" LOL.Yeah,met them at fish&Co for a while cos they were having lunch there w/ some other band members after their band.I replaced the necklace present already,oh well.

I'm still abit...unfazed.Okay nevermind.

原来，偶尔还是会想起的.

2007-03-23T23:39:00.000+08:00

Screw the person whoever took it.
Wtf,go to hell go &die.
DIE,you hear me.Bloody faggot.

Lifeng,thanks for everything.You've been my best support all this time through out. : D Love.

This,is for Tinghui.The one & only love of my life(:
Hey girl.I'm glad we cleared things up a lil &I'm sorry I doubted our friendship & everything.I know I shouldnt have said some of the things I said...Sorry.I just want you to know that I will be there for you anytime you need anyone,just like before okay?I've always been& will always be around,expecially for you,I'll make time.Take care girl,you're improving &I'm proud of you.Keep it on,I'll be behind to support you no matter what decisions you make.Glad you're feeling a lil better,one of the best girlfriends I ever had. <3

I'm gonna get some sleep tonight,it's the weekend!Hooray man.Wait,tmr got ss early morning -.- Sigh,script is so messy at the moment,&I'm totally zonked out.Thanks jian for coaching me geog^^

2007-03-22T19:11:00.002+08:00

Still very...very dazed.I feel like a living walking zombie now.
& I still feel like absolute crap.

Gave some people the attitude today...moodswing turned worse after recess.Sorry lifeng,that I ignored you when you asked if I was okay.I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone or even see...anyone.
But no matter,I'm feeling much better than I did a few days back already &everything.I know some of these people are probably never going to see this...but well.

Thank you,wanzhuo firstly.You always asked if I'm okay &nag at me to rest/sleep/eat...etc.Everytime even when I said I was fine,you would shake your head & ask me not to fake strong,&that i must take care of myself.I'm sorry I've been such a lousy friend to you &everything,for not being there for you when you needed me,for not having enough time to talk to you...etc.You've never minded &i know that you &lifeng always talk about how I am & how to make me feel better &stuff.You ah..... :/ Thanks so much girl,you made me feel better today with your jokes,incessant chattering& spastic doings(: Our two artwork cans! Two for the price of one,seventy cents! : D Hehe.Thanks for buying jelly for me when you saw me at the table,how tired I was & how..."depressed'' you said I looked.Thank you,too for calling up lifeng once you saw me in that state to ask him bout what happened to me &asking him to go find me &talk to me so that I would feel better to whatever you think was bothering me.All these small actions on your part just to make me feel better,makes me smile &feel comforted to have a friend like you.Thank you,once again wanzhuo.Love!

@#$@*~!!!!! & wtf,GOH WEIJIA YOU HAVE NOT BEEN REPLYING MY EMAILS YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID PIG! : ( I am going to slaughter you & chop you into pieces then cook in curry to eat the next time i see you,HAHAHAHAHAAA.

2007-03-20T19:32:00.000+08:00

...Still seeing a black sky today,&feeling the blues.
This is so absolutely crap.
Dazed...dazed..dazed.dazed.
I prefer BodyCombat to BodyJam.
But Body Jam is fun though : D Sebastian likes to pick on me siah,wa lao.
Ms Yap has gone for her operation already,sigh.I'm going to pray for her to get well&come back soon,which would be at least another four weeks later :/ which...= my geog is screwed for MYE's & the following tests these few weeks.Okay,basically for the whole of term 2.Probably an f9,again -.- A grade I haven't gotten for geog for very long ever since Ms Yap started extra coaching me,sigh.I don't want to know the disappointment I know she's bound to get when she comes back & sees my geog so screwed up :( Nevermind,I'll try my best to work something out.

Oh,&my gut feeling was right,the relief teacher IS Audrey chen o.0 My sec 2 form/geog cher.Reunion siah.LOL.

Just go
I gave you my word and I promised to love you
Go, it's over
You had your chance
Just go
There's nothing inside me that still feels connected to you
To me you're already gone

Ouch.

Stop making me feeling like everything I do is dumb,useless &foolish.
You are unbelievably ridiculous.
Point taken,so shut up.

I'm studying at the moment see,
&You're not affecting me.(:
Not.at.all.

Big question mark,white blank.
Deep hollow emptiness inside.

2007-03-19T18:27:00.000+08:00

What hurts the most,was being so close& having so much to say,then watching you walk away...one of the best girlfriends I ever had.
Now,what's wrong.This friendship is falling apart& I don't know why.

Feeling very very black today.
Maybe it's just monday blues of school reopening,I don't know.
Everything's like...screwed up on the first day back to school,& I feel like shit.
But tommorow will be a better day : D

Wanzhuo,I'm so sorry I can't make it tommorow to lunch with you : ( Really sorry I have to cancel it.I promise I will make time for us to go out to lunch one day ASAP okay girl?One day after MYE's,you me & huilin,we three all go out together okay : D Love! Thanks for always looking out for me& being concerned all the time.

Jingyi, : (

You say hello,inside I'm screaming I love you.

你说我是你的全部,你凡事都以我为中心.
但你的个性就如风一般,
而风...又怎么会有中心呢?

2007-03-18T16:40:00.000+08:00

This chapter of my life is called, "Bad complexion & Feeling like absolute crap."

Ugh,honestly.
School is reopening tmr :( Which is bad cos school reopening after march hols will be absolute hell,cos from tommorow onwards,it'll be real hectic studying &focusing on O's already.No time to lose,vroom vrooommmmm.Mickey's ticking.
There isn't much time left,anymore.
Time doesn't feel like time anymore in sec four o.0
Chem test tmr&Physics practical test,shit.Tan kee hoe,please don't kill me if i screw this test up can. =/
Geog test in week two which is absolute shit cos I understand nothing on monsoon weathers & stuff.

I need a haircut,period.
& I need time.

...I feel like I've been screaming&running all my life.

Sigh,I'm sorry guys.Really.
You're right,I've changed.
...Sorry.
I promise,I'll be back.
Give me time to re-settle things &balance myself
I'll make it up to you all.

2007-03-16T23:53:00.000+08:00

我用尽一生的思念
只为等你的出现.
唤不醒原来还跳动的画面.
就让我留在轮回的边缘
等一道光线
看见某年某月我门之间
曾经说过的语言。
就让她带走你的那瞬间
成为我们的纪念.
谁能发现我的世界
曾经有过你的脸...

ZOO?!!!?!!??! OMG,you guys are crazy.
See lah,who's the childish one now =x Last year i whine whine complain so much say want to go zoo you all scold me CHILDISH :( Now,SEE?!!
AH! CHILDISH.Mwahahaaaa : D
Idiots -.-

2007-03-15T12:07:00.000+08:00

I'm pissed.

...No,as in really FUCKING PISSED.
______can go screw up&down for all I care.
I'm washing my hands of it,I'm not even going to bother anymore.
So yes,please note I'm only attending the party on tuesday bcos of ulterior motives.Don't be stupid.
Urgh,to hell w/ all of this.

Thanks Jingyi for talking to me ytd night.Love girl : D
&Weijia!Thanks for the email yah,I was super surprised.Take care of Baoying okay!(:

YESSSSS,Thank the heavens,Lifeng&Belinda are officially BACK,since ytd night ^^ Missed them alot over the last weekend.
Oh,&Alison flies off to HK today. :(

Then Kaileun,when you coming back ah?Wait,I just remembered he's in HK too. o.O

Please,understand me.
&Don't take it this way...come on.
I'm sorry.
It's really good to hear from you again,too.

I guess there's never really a right time to say goodbye,isn't there?

2007-03-13T13:54:00.000+08:00

Really hectic day today.

I have no idea what to say to you anymore to make you feel better,really.I can understand how you feel,but there's no pt,girl.Sigh.Please take care of yourself,& just know that I'll be there for you whenever you need someone.

Rina
Hey,girl.I hope you're fine &everything okay.I'm sorry I've been so busy w/ all my stuff these days that i havent found time to talk to you : ( I know it's been hard on you&you've been strong all the while up till now.So keep it going yeah! We'll both make it,regardless of whatever bullshit that's going to come or way.Have faith in yourself,cos I believe in you^^ I'll be there for you anytime,just like how you've been there for me even when I had my facade on.(: You rock! : D

I would like to say a special Thank You to Richny ,here as well.I know you're probably gonna be damn surprised when you see this,but well...nevermind.I owe you a huge explanation man,there's so many things that I kept from you while you comforted me whenever you felt that I was down.You listened to all my ramblings,gave me advice &tried to cheer me up always.& I feel like a mega bitch for feeling that way as i did towards you,but i promise I'll explain everything to you someday.Really.Thank you so much for everything still,girl. <3

2007-03-12T21:34:00.000+08:00

Pursuit Of Happyness is so freaking good.In these recent years,Blood Diamond by Leonardo & The Pursuit Of Happyness are the only two movies I'd give full marks for.It's absolutely...heartwrenching.
&Will smith is such a fanstastic actor,as I watched him cry in one scene in the toilet when they had nowhere else to live,I cried as well,omg.It's like...it's all so real,his eyes turned all red,the veins in his eyes were all seen clearly&could tell he was really trying hard to hold back tears but it still fell.That's the standard of his acting,it's crazy,believe me.His son who played his son in the movie as well is...superb i tell you,so damn cute,awh (:

Very tired.Shopping addiction siah,Abby : ( I super lazy to go out already but then...well.Mm.Tommorow is a super hectic day,sigh.I hate days where I have to run around places from time to time,so irritating don't you think so.

Tinghui,I can't do much to help you anymore honestly.All i can do is to let you see how blind all these is.Just stop&think for a while.Think about everything,every single thing that happened since he entered your life.I can't do anything anymore,all i can do is to be there for you.But there's no pt if you don't really actually listen.It's dragged on so long girl,now only you can save yourself,&no one else.But rmbr,I'll always be beside you to help,pull you along down this road anytime.
Anytime. <3

&Maybe I won't look back.
Your eyes are a mirror of the heart inside of you,don't you know?
...I've seen the answer that your heart reflects.

2007-03-11T19:03:00.000+08:00

Where d'you go.
I miss you so.

&To me,it's been three months since you've left changed,&walked out of my life as a different person.
So tell me now,is this time just a detour...
Again.

I've finished all my A maths hols hmk plus ten over extra qns from A maths TYS to be passed up to halilah in separate book! : D YESSSSSS.
Okay lah,I guess i'm not stupid after all when I really have time&sit down to concentrate to do.Just that I take a damn long time to finish few qns &get them all correct,zzzzzz.
Shit lah,why can't holidays be extended to two weeks -.- Can i self declare another week of extra hols?Hehe.

Platinum BIG AH.Don't be so arrogant.Pfffffftt.No originality &plently of backbone help given.So don't act all high&mighty.

2007-03-10T16:26:00.000+08:00

Remembrance.
Macs'hot milo in the morning.
You.

Weijiaaaaaa.Must make time for xmm lah,wa lao :(

YOU THINK YOU FUNNY AH LAINE.
Okay,no not funny -.-

2007-03-10T15:57:00.000+08:00

So what ever happened?
Shut up,stop coming in &out of my life as &when you like.
Don't mess me up again,please.

March hols = More time to PIAAAAA.
I have no desire to go out,at all.
Sigh.
&I haven't slept for four days in a row straight.
Yawn,I'll grab some sleep later,
if i still feel tired by then -.-

I'll miss ms yap if she isn't gonna be arnd next term.Thank you for all the encouragement&extra time put in for me.^^

Shoutouts
Rina! Appreciated : D Remember I'm here for you anytime alrighte,it'll be fine.
Abby ah.Please do take care of yourself,&we'll both work hard&get through 0's together.(: You&your stupid drawing of the girl&the balloon -.-
Tinghui,loveeeeeeeee.
Lifeng,you&belinda will be missed :(

Jingyiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. :(

&Thought you should know,I've tried my best to let go of you,but I don't want to.
Just go,I give you my word,&I promise to love you.
If anyone sees him,please,tell him I miss his smile.
...
Shut up,weiru.Stop it.
Ouch.

2007-03-06T19:47:00.000+08:00

There's something damn wrong w/ me seriously.It's only bloody Term One&I hurt myself twice damn badly already -.- Wtf.
A few weeks ago,I'm damn sure the whole world knows about how I fell down during P.E playing netball &scratched both knees damn badly,elbow,shoulders...&face.Until now face still got mark.The 'third world war' country person image -.-
& NOW.

...I sprained my lil fourth toe of my right foot during Body combat.
Good Game man,honestly.
Zzzzzz.It's like,I've never fallen down &scratched myself,I've never sprained any part of myself before,&this year in just a few short weeks,I've accomplished both for the first time in my life.(?!!!) Tell me how wierd it is.Maybe it's cos I havent been sleeping...I guess.

Shit lah.Everything damn screwed up.
No,wait.I cleared my geog though! I love mildred yap man,she's like the most fantastic teacher,really.Besides her temper flarings &sharp tongue lah,of course.
I failed my A maths horribly thanks to really dumb careless mistakes,I can't believe I was so careless,I feel like killing myself.A maths &E maths confirm both each F9 already lah.

& HELLO PEOPLE.We need to get a headon w/ the scriptttt! Mickey's ticking,dears.

...It's like I keep studying &studying like crazy every day until wee hours in the morning without any sleep for many continuous days.All the studying goes inside my heard,filling up the hollow emptiness&sense of loss within me.It's like...a feeling of self fufillment that makes me feel,whole i guess.
But I'm tired.
So very tired.
I'm sorry I can't stop.
I just can't stop,cos I'd have time to think then.
&I'm afraid if i stop even for a moment....
I'll die.

2007-03-05T18:45:00.000+08:00

I don't have time for this,really.
This is getting so incredibly stupid.
&Look here asshole.
It's been so long,I've tried too many times to count,& all I met was your wall of cold ignorance&indifference to me.

FINE then.

I'm throwing away every single bullshit we ever had,including the friendship you idiotic faggot.

You're making me do this.
When I get over you,don't come to me w/ that "Oh,Let's start from friends again" smile.
No.Such.Thing.

You had a chance for months to make your choice,too bad.
Well,now you've lost that privilege.
Cos' I'm walking away,from you.

Everything comes w/ a price.
If forgetting,throwing away the friendship we ever had could make me get over you,I will.Cos anyway,you don't even value the friendship we had,isn't it?
But when I'm done dumping it all emotionally,there'll be no such thing as 'friendship' existing in my dictionary w/ you.Cos I'd have cancelled all the friendship feelings i used to harbour w/ you too.

So now i've made my bloody pt clear.
Go on,hide all you want,run run!
Run as far as you want,
Really.

I don't care anymore.
No,I'm too tired to care.
I'm through w/ letting you get to me.

Checkmate.
HAHA.

2007-03-01T20:17:00.000+08:00

All the screaming' going on in my head.

Falling in love simply consists merely of uncorking the bottle of imagination &shutting down our common sense.

See the white flag?
I surrender.
You win the game.
You've successfully wrecked me.
Inside out.

I miss tinghui like crazy. :(
Jingyi,my walking diary! We'll make it,&shineeeeee man.Way to go girl,We ROCK.HAHA. :D Yes,we don't need a guy by our sides to be pretty yah.

&Alison is SUPER CUTE.
Good luck to those people at cohort camp in pulau ubin at the moment...probably being food to the hungry mosquitoes there o.0

Happy birthday Miswan! (:

Nicole,lunch date tmr,& study date after geog lesson on sat morning.Sweeeeet.
&I havent slept for two fucking days.
Amaths,shit.Screwed already.

I'm holding on,I really am.

2007-03-01T20:05:00.000+08:00

You don't fucking know the meaning of "I'm Sorry." Even if you do or DID,at the rate you've been saying it &everything,it has lost its meaning.Totally.
You don't understand,I swear.

... ...
Forget it.
I'm sick,tired,&drained of life cos of all the bullshit happening in my life.
I dont need your on&off attitudes again at this moment.

&So the pretence goes on huh.
If you can,I can too.
I'll do it even better.
Don't worry,I won't let the problem between us affect our clique of friends.
Even if it does,
It's definitely your side of the problem.

I've done everything I could.
I've given everything I have,tried,put in my full effort,to keep it going,to at least keep the 'friendship between us...
For you.
What did i get in return?
Nothing.
Zip Zero,NOTHING.
No wait,oh,i got a whole lot full of emptiness,tears & heart aches.
Thank god I passed my re-test &didn't get retained,or else I'd be in the same class as you this year,&it would have been so much more messier.
Much more.

I'm sorry.
Please,this isn't easy for me...
I can't contd keeping up this act &everything anymore.

I.Just.Cant.
No more games boy.
No more.

4H'07,come on people buck up! Don't let the teachers demoralise us any further alrighte.Find the class spirit &just do our best for 0'levels.At this pt of time,nothing should be in our way towards it.Nothing.
Tan kee hoe is damn mean siah : (
Okay,I was wrong.
Thanks Mrs Tan^^

A maths test tmr,I'm off to mug.
At least,try to pass =/
Sigh.

2007-02-27T17:53:00.000+08:00

Blogger keeps screwing up on me.Ah whatever,I've replied all tags on the tagboard already anyway.(:

I'm not some pai kia playful ah lian or airhead bimbo who does nothing except to talk on the phone,chat online,watch Tv,play,stay out late at night,go home only sleep/play&just don't give a fucking screw about her studies okay.
Mrs tan wants to see my parents next wk for parents day...great : ( Apparently she closes a blind eye to the fact my results for each subject is steadily rising,except for maybe,E maths lah.No effence againt you,but I just don't like maths as a while lah.Ah whatever,she even wants to talk to my parents&teach them how to monitor me.MONITOR WHAT BULLSHIT?!!It's not like i don't put in effort to study.

I've been driving myself literally crazy these few weeks to bring my grades back on track &to making my life slightly more stable/balanced.Wa lao : ( Sigh nvm,she doesnt really know me yet anyway,maybe after some time she'll finally realise how my brain works.

&SO NOW,I'M OFF TO STUDY/DO/PRACTISE AMATHS&EMATHS.
Don't say i simply dont try & jus give up on everything,&that my attitude sucks...etc.UNTRUE.I've always never failed to challenge myself day by day to achieve a higher standard. I will do better next term,i swear.Gonna clear all the messes during march hols & start out the next term in the right way.My life's going to be about nothing but just mugging on 0's,filming,piano & a few really good friends from now on.
...
Forget it.Mug people,mug hard!
Shit,i need sleep,badly. Very very drained.

This feeling of deperation crashing over me,all the emtiness within.
All you can do is watch &wonder whre thegirl you knew had gone,
&...Then you will realise that everything you did to me was wrong.

2007-02-26T22:14:00.000+08:00

My life seems to be getting more balanced&studies seem to be getting on track,slowly.(: I kinda like this feeling of being so busy&packed fully all the time,non-stop studying & just working hard for 0'levels.Crazy?I dont know,heh.Just feel...very self fufilling,thats all.Maybe I like the way everything is now cos it stops me from thinking too much &wasting time on things that are not worth it.The only thing is that I really need to do something about my sleeping hours -.- I'm like some nocturnal animal that gets hyper/super wide awake &very motivated to study like mad while I'm damn dead/tired in sch in the mornings. -.- How dumb.I need sleep =/ I see dark rings forming under my eyes already,damn.
Special shoutout.

JINGYI
Hello Jingyi!(: Hope you're feeling much better after the talk & everything yeah.Thanks for being concerned about me &those words of encouragement.Yay,great minds think alike : D Just rmbr I'll be there for you anytime you need someone to talk to or anything,just gimme a call or msg me okay?Don't look down on yourself or anything,trust me,you're the best! You're a really nice &super uber pretty girl that everyone loves okay! (Sylvia&Yanting,agreed?!!) Look,I see them nodding their heads,heh.Take care okay,I'm around for you yah.^^ Lots of <3,you rock too! Keep on striving,you're strong&smart enough,you can survive this bullshit.(:

2007-02-25T21:30:00.000+08:00

I'm really sorry for neglecting alot of you guys cos of my busy schedule &bad moods.

Wanzhuo : I'm really sorry for not talking to you for weeks & stuff,neglecting you.I know you say you don't mind &everything but well,I feel bad about it.I didnt know things were happening &when i read your blog just now...I was surprised at some stuff & wondered how come you didn't tell me as you usually would.Then i realized it wasn't that you didnt want to,it was cos i was never busy whenever you said "Hi" online or any other time you find me in school.I've been a bad friend,& I'm sorry.When i get my life& everything back on track,I'll dig out time solely for you,I promise.Take care girl.

There's alot of other people like...Tinghui,Justyn,Lin an,Lifeng...etc.I'm sorry for not being able to be there for you guys when you all needed to talk to me.&Rina! Cheer up girl,I'm behind you all the wayyy. : D

Oh well.I am going to pass my physics tmr,for the first time since I moved up to upper sec last year -.- I must& I cannnnn(: Be positive,weiru,come on.The thought of geog test on wednesday makes me want to cry in despair cos I still cant get the hang of physical geog,&the further thought of A maths differentiation test on friday makes me even more depressed than i already am,zzzzzz.Nvm,I'll just...do my best.At least,try.
I miss chinese lessons siah,lol.

Abby,Nicole,Changxu,Lin an,Tinghui,Lifeng,Junjie...Thanks for everything,all the advices &helping me settle down emotionally these weeks. <3 You guys are the best.

STUDY! (:
Good night people.

2007-02-25T16:26:00.000+08:00

I just wanna breathe again,
learn to face the joy& pain.
Discover how to laugh a little,
Cry a little,
Live a little more...

I just wanna face today,
Forget about the woes of yesterday.
Maybe if I hope a little,
Try a little more...
I'll breathe again.

Okay,stop.I'm going to contd' studying for physics & geog.Sigh,my brain is like crashing already.
Oh,&changxu says its very wierd when I act like a girl.(?!?!!) Uh,HELLO?I am a GIRL. -.- Oh dear,I expect dota drived him crazy,zzzzz.
Gonna be graduating/leaving TK &taking O'levels in like less than 6 months time.Going to be Term Two soon already,shit.

It's time to wipe the slate clean.
&Now,we're so yesterday.

So tell me,what's life going to be like w/o you.

2007-02-22T20:19:00.000+08:00

You had me,but now you've lost me.

No more letting you push my sensitive buttons anymore.
Enough of all the frenzy of stupidness I was in for you.
I guess I'm just not good enough or something,but I'll end this all w/ a fullstop here.
At least you made me smile for you once,you were a great friend I could turn to,the guy I loved.
No,sorry,still love.Present tense.
But it'll all pass someday,promise.
I'm sorry,again.For all the trouble.
Game over.
I believe,tommorow will be a better day.
It will be :D

You won't get to see the tears I cry.

2007-02-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

Today was generally super fun,went back to MAVIS tuition w/ abby for mr ng! : D siah lah,Mr ng cannot rmbr abby's face already.&he said i improved alot in terms of attitude &concentration,ahaaaa(: Before that we went to TM to find weijia to pass him his present,ernie &....big bird? o.0 LOL.He got this friend called michelle who is sooo cute,haha.Abby&weijia damn lame man,see them seriously just go diao" -.-
Saw weijin at TM too! w/ his gf(: Awh,so sweet.He damn bad lah,bully her :( Saw eugene too,w/ his blur face,lol.Didnt get to see baoying,but she msged me to thank me for the present,which thankfully yuquan did rmbr to bring,haha.Your welcome girl!^^

RINA.
Hey girl!(: You're feelng better now right?Dont get yourself worked up over such a bitch okay,its not worth it.You see ah,she just wants to see you upset &everything,so don't give her the satisfaction of it.Why get your blood pressure high&spoil your pretty face by crying over such a stupid person w/ absolutely no morals whatsoever?Tell me if she tries anything funny like this again next time okay,i'll have the topmost honour of scratching her face for you : D &she can curse jasmine for all she want,jasmine will make her life hell,ha.Anyways,just dont care bout what she says,she's got nothing inside her to contribute at all,&since like i said,not worth it yup.Msg me if you need anything or someone to talk to,i reply my msgs 24/7 anytime,even during class =x I'm here for you always okay,rock on rina!You're the best,dont let her demoralise you or anything. <3

> I am going to study damn hard from now on!
Alison,my partner in crime. : D HAHA.

2007-02-20T19:29:00.000+08:00

Havent been updating these weeks,been really busy &stuff.I'm gonna type randoms today,so bear w/ me alrighte.

> Happy birthday cynthia&syaza! : D
> Happy belated birthday jingyi,the rose(: we should go out someday yah,take care girl!
> Me&Alison made a scene in Toy'R'Us today.LOL.the counter guy keep staring at us -.-super super super cute soft toys,haha!&we will one day buy one batch of those air balls to donate to sch^^
> School tmr : ( damn.
> Now you see me,now you don't.
> Tinghui,im here for you always,you know that. <3
> V'day 07 was hilariously memorable,it wouldn't be great w/o all of you guys.Thanks for the dinner girls,love love.Single is good man,ahaa.
> Changxu,thanks for being there,as always.
> I miss Mr Ng &Mavis tuition : (
> I have this urge to go on a huge shopping spree to de-stress siah =/
> I need food,right now -.-
> Abbbbyyyyyyyyyy.
> Enough of the mind guessing games.
> Omg,I'm so sorry ziyang,for us pangsehing you on friday when we were all supposed to go back to NAPS. =x We nagged at you to come &in the end we were the ones who cancelled it,sorry! Next time,okay,promise.
> The newer generation of girls are getting...hem hem.
> IDEAS,come on.
> Blood diamond is a fantastic movie.
> Dance,hop around thrice&fall to the floor.
> CNY is stupid/boring -.-
> 261 days more before piano proficiency performance.
> Playing happy was never &never will be my specialty.
> TOOOOO BADDD,asshole.
> &Let there be love.

Let me find my stable piece of mind.
&Sometimes,you've got to lie to make everyone happy.

I'm through w/ letting you get to me.
Bounce baby,out the doorrrrrrr!
I'm one step ahead of you in this round of the game you're trying to play,HAHA.
We shall see,DEAR.

2007-02-04T12:11:00.000+08:00

Thanks to all those who were concerned for me ytd night.im fine now,i'll do my best to keep the promise i made to lifeng ytd night.

these weeks were hectic,all the tests & amounts of hmk.i think maybe im jst too stressed up as well,resulting in me breaking down so easily like that.plus,all the bullshit problems bugging my life right now...i guess i dont blame vincent tan,ms lim ah ber &mrs tan (puiling) that i look in a horrible state.cos when i looked into the mirror this morning,i really did look like a total wreck/mess."no life/energy",lol.but im going to clear up things that are within my control,like my stupidity to get played by him over&over again.but some things which are out of my reach like....some other problems...well.like ziwen said,past is past.you are you.your family is your family.everything is a different matter altogether.

well.yeah,maybe.it's jst the stupid insecurity feeling i also have around with me,& the fear of being alone when i desperately need a hug.this dumbass trait of mine has to be changed,or else...i'll jst be wrecked by people again&again,being affected.no more being soft hearted,no more,really.

Nicole,thanks for the advices&talks for these past few days.You might think that you're just doing this cos im a friend &you care,but i don't know how to explain to make you understand how much all these mean to me.How much at this time,your prescence& advice is invaluable to me.You always had the ability to make me wake up or knock some sense into me.Talking to you always made me feel better/lighter cos you're really a rather optimistic,bubbly &"full of energy" girl,always laughing yah.(: i admire your determination &will to be strong ¬ think about stuff,&just go on as normal.i wish i could be like that too,&i'll try. <3

2007-02-03T22:58:00.000+08:00

i had enough of the weeks &weeks,months of your mind guessing games,w/ your on&off attitude.23 stars,enough,is enough.you can stop here now,really.dont go anymore further,please.
im not a sparetire,if i were to be with a guy,i have to be first piority,get that straight.yes,i admit.i can't let you go,but i WISH to,really.if you were thinking this whole thing to be revenge on your part in due of how i was blind to you last time,then fine.you've achieved what you wanted.so now,please,let me off.it's painful enough to have to hang out&see you every schooling day &sometimes weekends cos we're in the same clique of people.its worse when you jst ignore me or treat it as im invisible,not there.&the worst part is that sometimes you would suddenly treat me so nice like the old times,making my hopes rise uncontrollably&later you'd revert back to your usual cold tactics towards me,leaving me hanging alone like a stupid fool wondering what had gone wrong.

Thank you for the tears tonight.
&at least,i know that your sweetest smile was once for me only.
thats enough for me.
Too,thank you for lunch this afternoon.
maybe,its the last time we'll ever be able to be this way.

Thank you ziwen&lifeng for trying to talk me out,comforting me &knocking some sense into me.lifeng,im sorry you feel bad that you can't do much to help me or make me feel better.but don't be,cos you've done alot for me already,really.ziwen,thank you,for everything.

最后的微笑,有泪水滑落的线条和祝福的味道.
lovers to strangers-

2007-01-31T19:15:00.000+08:00

i want to say smth here.
to july 23 : now,today,i'll finally say this.
i loved you.it's past tense now.
& i know you're happy for me,(:
so it the rest of the world.
im thankful for everything that happened betwn us,
all the memories,no matter good or bad.
the sad times,the times we fought,the time we cried in BK,toriQ,bugis,parkway,the v'day earrings you'd made,520,the boy&girl,the queen&soldier,all the good times we had w/ each other,charlie &thechoc factory,bugis cinema.....&there's so many other things that i won't ever forget.but i guess its been too long.
now,i've finally moved on.
& thank you,for being there for me all this time.for supporting me always,for the great advices,for all the good&bad memories,for the love that was once so true,for how you helped me to get through that rough period of time cos of august 29,&lastly,for being such an incredibly great friend throughout.

&now,let the past just wash away like watery ink on paper.....in our hearts.
<3

2007-01-05T22:49:00.000+08:00

kbox is the love man! : D me& lin an officially seal every friday as 'kbox' day. =x today was super fun,w/ all of us gathered together again & everything,making stupid jokes & singing offtune,getting all high w/ it.we even sang oh-so-ever-happily w/ this really old song of andy lau,"wang qing shui." LOL.its super funny lah,w/ alex & liyuan singing it.i've got a record of it,shhh,don't tell them,i'll get killed =/ anyways really had fun & everything.oh,i like linyi's gf,huiying.(: she's super friendly &nice,pretty too! & she encourages me to hit lin yi more often so as to help her,heh heh.they're super sweet together,awhhhhhh.then i had to leave earlier for work,some stuff happened...but nvm,i won't go into that.

sch has been absolute hell.all the pressure talks,teachers lecturing...oh dear.tests coming up & supplementary scheduled all the way to like term 2 already.everyday after sch is booked FULL.sigh,let's pray that this year flies fast yeah.i shall piaaaaa hard in the meantime(:

> & the phrase " if you love me,don't go" ,is absolute bullshit.exp you,you are no position to say it.not at all,boy.
> if that's so ,why don't you tell me face to face & deny my accusations?
> & all i can do is watch & wonder whre the boy i knew had gone.
> &then you'd realise that everything you did to me was wrng.
> smth's wrng,but what's wrng.
> white flag.
> tmr...
> whre's all my faith now?

you gotta understand
all this has to end
cos i don't wanna wait for you anymore
can't take it anymore.

2007-01-01T23:52:00.000+08:00

i don't like my feelings being predicted & made use of.i hate being so vulnerable to you.& since you've decided to leave,then make it clearcut,that makes everything easier,doesn't it?why keep hanging back even by that lil bit when you don't actually bother.once again,im being blind/stupid here.oh god,kill me.

i swear,im going to get a punching bag by end of tmr before i really lose it & jst wack the wall.dammit.my head's hurting like mad & its getting on my nerves.i can't think,im very irritated by everything,i feel my temper rising,& i have the disguisting to urge to burst into tears & cry until i die.

school's opening on wednesday.great.looks like the worse is still behind.thanks for the movie today,qirui.blood diamond is a freaking good movie which is really heart wrenching& educational.also,w/ suave leonardo starring in it,its a definite bonus.go watch it people,you won't regret it.you'll learn alot from there.but its nc 16 btw,those below that age can try sneaking in at small cinemas.

> happy 2007 people.thanks for all those people who helped me out so much through 06',the girls,tinghui,weijia,that clan of guys....etc,you know who you people are. <3

2006-12-29T12:36:00.000+08:00

the red paint on my nails is wearing off : ( &im so ever lazy to repaint it again.watched death note 2 w/ tinghui at cine ytd.we spend 3 hours walking around orchard waiting for the movie cos the earlier bookings were all FULL.zzzzz.i realise some very VERY concidential stuff happens when i talk to tinghui about it, so maybe i should talk to her 24/7! haha : D i've missed her so much <3

> damn,GUYS.
> ...you can't make use of my feelings to help you do favours &then treat me as nothing when you don't need my help.fucking asshole.
> im thinking more &more about it everyday.
> i promise we'll go get you a whole new wardrobe of clothes someday okay,weijia? (: lol.you &your sudden liking for shopping -.-
> sound of music.
> very,very...off color....
> thank you,lin an.for everything since i came back to sg. <3 stop worrying bout me,i wont' do stupid stuff.
> ...playing water at beach becomes suicidal -.- gah.
> ...it's jst different,get it.
> fucking jerk,stop being such an ignorant blind idiotic bastard.fuck.
> there's a limit to patience.
> mcflurry icecream! cheap &less calories huh,tinghui. (:
> my memory is deteoriating more &more by each second.its crazy.
> what the hell is wrng w/ me..
> if you any bit of a HEART,you wouldnt' be treating me this way.im not someone for you to look for only when you like,&then later throw aside like dirt.i dont have to answer to your calls & get lost when you ignore me.im not a dog either,fucking bastard.
> i miss those girls.
> whre d'you go,i miss you so.
> i would give anything...for everything to return to normal.please.
> yup,i will be fine. :D yes you're right lin an,im superwoman &you're only human.haha!
> nights w/o sleep at all.
> i look like a vamp,wtf.
> nicole,charlotte's web! :/
> sch reopening already.sec 4 :( nooooooooo.
> after erasing you from my life,who would ever believe that such a person like you had ever appeared in my life before.
> 5 glasses of 40 percent alchohol.
> wang zi,xiao jie & ao quan! omg omg omg.call me when you guys are here. <3

im like a fool who's too sure.
seriously.
im not going to be so stupid &blind anymore.
now that you're gone,
what's left of us is this...song.

> wu ke qun,ming tian guo hou.
23 stars,i doubt you fucking even rmbr.

2006-12-22T12:12:00.000+08:00

im going to rot at home today & tmr to finish up my hols hmk before ever running out of the house again =/ okay,the current highlights.

> that baby dragon in ERAGON is sooo cute! (:
> yes,im still pretty pissed off w/ you.
> weijia,my icecream! :(
> sigh sigh SIGH.
> that disguistingly thick makeup was....ugh,yuck.
> what happens when you look into the mirror & all you saw was a reflection of someone who looks like you but...isn't you?
> lifeng,thank you.
> well...i guess i thought too much of you.
> tinghui,we will get through everything together.this isn't the first time right?we'll be fine. <3> yes,its easy to say but hard to accomplish.
> welcome back kaileun.(:
> oh yes,changxu's back tmr. : D
> we'll all be together this christmas.
> 123,mu tou ren.
> show me the truth.
> prove it,then.
> ...you all might as well be owls,can.zzzzz.
> what wrng w/ me?
> i look like a total mess.
> 23 stars,can you even rmbr,asshole.
> i miss those girls.exp...the girl who's still one of my best friends since pri sch.
> can you look me in the eye,&tell me that you're happy now.
> do i need a reason to cry?
> ...how so very ironic.
> a frenzy of madness.
> oh no no no,im not a girl,im a guy. ^^ haha.
> what all of us need in our lives,is a lil miracle that make us believe &have faith.
> fahrenheit! gahhh. : D
> i got my hopes high &had it crashed.how very stupid & careless of me.
> ...should have known better.
> HEHE. =x
> oh,have you fufilled your bitch quota for the day?
> there's a diff between past &present tense.
> you may be a world class pain in the butt,but usually you'd demonstrate at least a tablespoon of sanity.
> zero protection over the affairs of the heart.

SIGH.

2006-12-10T00:21:00.000+08:00

everything's over.
again & again.i never do learn how to wake up,dammit.fuck,you're not supposed to matter to me at all,how did all this happen.how could i be so stupid to miss those signs,i should have been more careful.now....what the hell is this.i let myself fall into this familiar black hole over & over again.

no,i will be fine.i have to be.i am not going to let that stupid tragic cycle come back again,jst cos of YOU.you are not worth it.looks like you simply don't bother anymore.....guess i was the stupid fool who had her hopes high.

i dont know whats going on w/ me now.how could this have happened....fuck.i always never know what i've got till its gone.dammit.
if i cant stop the tears tonight,im afraid...i will fall into a frenzy of madness all over again..
im afraid.i might lose myself totally.....

> no,i can't afford letting myself crash.again.

2006-12-07T21:00:00.000+08:00

for once,it feels great to be back in sg.i realised how much i've missed this place actually,the place i've been ranting for years to get out of.three weeks plus in taiwan has shaked me up alot.

i've missed alot of people.all of you,actually.exp tinghui,jonathan,lifeng,weijia & those girls.those girls im referring to are abby,nicole,imee,donna,jasmine,josephine,shearen.it amazes me even,but i really miss them alot.people like tinghui.i've been worried alot for her while i've been away,hoping she's okay.she's someone who never gave up on me no matter what happened & i love her alot that i refuse to watch her get hurt.people like weijia,i jst miss all the crap talk & stuff.haha. (: stupid guy,he left for shanghai ytd & i jst came back today-.- like jonathan.i've got too much to catch up w/ him,all those times i've pushed him away & stuff.as for lifeng,i miss the advice & company my lil bro always never fails to give me.

all this people.you mean alot to me.i know....i've angered some of you alot this year.some of you cant be bothered w/ me at all,saying that im not worth it & stuff.& things have been bad.but what im trying to say here is.im sorry.i miss everyone here.i miss all the times & everything before....i changed.maybe it's too late or maybe some of you think that im not worth it cos i will jst start my tragic cycle all over again.those pathetic self pitying actions.but no,its not.its not the same anymore.i hope my pt is being taken. <3

now,to you.you are a person i do not want to admit i miss alot.we havent been talking for arnd a mnth.you dont bother to reply or whatever.forget it.im pass all that.im tired.you're not worth it,not worth my time,not worth my thoughts,not worth....anything.i used to think...that you were different.but maybe,i was wrong.i see that now.

> mockery.

4h'07.its a new year.
throw away the past,its over.

2006-11-04T20:52:00.000+08:00

the simple things in life that makes me smile now.(: life's been different ever since that friendship hurdle w/ jasmine & the rest.mm.simplicity.friends come & go yeah,alexandria? : D haha,thanks for your sweet lil note.i appreciate it.

> hey now,don't dream its over.
> this is going to the first time that im away on a 23rd ever since july 23'05.well.
> i wish for things that i dont need.
> great,let's jst waste time then.
> when you looked into my eyes,& its like that.
> nothing in this world can stop us tonight.
> &its like im walking on broken glass.
> such a beautiful smile,pity it couldnt stay long.
> stonger than your sympathy.
> i need to let go of the past & its habits.
> aldo heels! =/ & that mango skirt.
> enough bullshit.

emotions are on the verge of spilling.im afraid.there's this wall in your heart i can't cross over.whats it going to be like.how are we going to become if this contds.i refuse to think about it.w/ all the past mixed up in between.okay,im going to resist the temptation to drink & stuff.the last i drank was a huge major disaster.damn.& i guess this is called stupidity.not to mention denial on my part.sigh.

<3
qiao qiao gao shu ta.

2006-10-27T14:08:00.000+08:00

"take care!"

what nitwit started using that phrase as a fond farewell?take care?take care of what?my teeth?my cuticles?a pet gerbil?of course,a sane person would probably point out that these well-wishers simply want me to look out for myself in general.but even then,why?what the hell do they know that i dont?"you will be in danger tmr....take care!" i mean,how freaking demanding.why are they ordering me to take care of myself?if its social politeness they're after,won't it be nicer for them to offer to take care of me?

right.like that would happen.people would probably consider a wild sewer alligator more in need of concern.the real fact is.i need someone.i always did.in a way,snapping into reality was like yanking off a heavy,blinding helmet,allowing me to see how insane the world really is and how alone i really am.it's scary.lately,in my darkest moments,when i can feel the evil & despair crushing in from all directions,i've fantasized about being locked up somewhere,someplace whre i'd be safe.where others would have to look after me all the time.i've even envied those people stuck in institutions.yes,it's true.me,the supposed queen of all miss independents,actually dreamed of a rubber-room existence.it jst seemed so nice & simple.people bringing me meals,changing my bed,always talked in those hushed kindergarten teacher voices.i wouldn't have to go anywhere or do anything but watch 7th heaven reruns & make lan-yards.

but maybe i dont' need to go quite that far.maybe all i need is someone willing to look after me.someone who sees that im not all that strong &smiling as i seem.right now,i could use a lil guidance,a lil love &support.

& im thinking that someone could be you.
im in one absolute mess of a girl,damn.

okay,enough bullshit,today's 27th.
happy birthday allie : D <3 see you at the chalet laterrrrr.
chinese Olevel's on monday.
im having wierd dreams,really wierd.
im having trouble sleeping recently.
meet the parents w/ mrs lee chinese HOD on wednesday morning.shit.
retain? -.-
re-exams next next monday.
running back to sweet sweet taiwan on the 12th or 13th.(:

oh yes,congrats on your wedding fanny. =] wil be thereeee. love.

-you're the friend i thank the most,can't forget,yet don't want to think about.goodbye.
> & you're the big fat mistake.

2006-10-22T16:48:00.000+08:00

i finally seen for my eyes what is meant by "girl's world are like a cat eat cat world".i so totally agree.this description cant be any better.

friendship.its a scary yet wonderful thing actually.friends are undeniably,one of the most important in one's life.friends act as our strong pillars who are there to support us in times of hardship,always supporting no matter what.however.you also,can never know when a friend turns against you,when this pillar of support breaks.for all you know,this 'pillar' might be made of glass.or even plasticine,that can be easily damaged,so fragile.plasticine can change its shape according to how we mould them or maybe an accidental touch will change their shape.same goes for friendship.thats how friendship works.exactly like a plasticine.

i've gone through alot on friendship,in my opinion.i had enough seeing all the ugly sides of friendship & not too long ago,i really snapped & jst didnt care bout whatever bullshit & distanced myself.i still rmbr cynthia's words.i will nvr forget them.i've now learned.there is no such thing as a perfect friendship w/o bitching or each's own hating views bout the other.can you say that you dont bitch?even if you dont,can you say that you dont bitch bout someone ever in your own lil heart?you dont have secret hating views bout someone but you still act all good in front of that person?you cant.this,is human nature.we are all hypocrital in some way or another,no matter for good or bad.if we dont have all those ugly sides to us,oh my,this world would be perfect,everyone would be having a golden halo above their heads,good samaritans huh.total load of bull.

there is no perfect friendship that has no bitching in it or any flaw.cos that would be impossible.we humans,have our hates & likes.in some way,maybe due to irritation,the other may irk us,only at that pt of time.but after that we're okay already.why do we bitch?at times,we dont even know.thats what cynthia said to me.i didnt exactly understand her words until now.yes,sometimes we bitch even w/o knowing why the hell we do it for.is it really b cos we dislike that person?or isit b cos we're influenced by others,by other's thinking.we are all hypocrital,let's face it.

okay.i dont want to elaborate any further.bye.

2006-10-13T13:25:00.000+08:00

that look of desperation,i can never forget.that.....look in your eyes.how it was as though you hoped..& hoped.....that it wasnt that way.the scary part,was that i understand fully.that feeling.afraid of losing.....

2006-10-06T12:32:00.000+08:00

ahhhhh.well.hey,dont start insulting when you dont know much.cos i sure as hell know that no friend of mine knows me totally &everything besides bgf ah gong & a friend of mine not from TK.so...if you're insulting on what you see on the surface,go on then,i dont really care.you can try to turn all my friends against me,i dont give a damn.cos i know true friends will stick by me no matter what.(: so yeah.im not very affected by it.

i move on,whatever it is,on my own.i did it myself w/ a lil help along the way from some friends.look,whoever you are,i have been trying to change,trying to stay away from ANYONE,jst incase i ANNOY someone w/ my uh,lifestyle&actions?i give way.i give in.so dont push it too far.i have mistakes,yes.& look,its not like i've been doing anything lately to provoke.wth do i do,everyday after sch i have been rushing off to tuition & to study.thats all.its not like i interact w/ anyone or what thats why people get pissed off.i dont understand how in the world can anyone get pissed off w/ me when i dont even much talk or hang out w/ anyone recently already! so whats the pt of all this huh,telling me to change my mistakes or anything.if you dont like me,then stay away.i will do so too,dutifully.i am not that whiny,complaining naive girl i was a few weeks ago,i am not going to start my series of moans about this friend,that friend.yes,i admit that was really lame.therefore,i am changing it.

let's make lives better for everyone.stop all the stupid insults.at the most,if you realy dislike me,jst dont care bout me at all.at least then,i will get the pt.

> i'll whisper satan's words of love to you.
maybe <3

2006-09-29T21:35:00.000+08:00

sometimes i dont get what my mind is thinking.really.its so....messy.i cant comprehend.fate works in a wierd way huh.when you told me & showed the proof,its like....i dont know.i felt choked.cos i forgot that whole past until you pointed out & everything.it jst amazes me how everything jst clicked & stuff.how i could have missed the obvious signs.then when im reminded & i rmbr it all.....i rmbr how things were.the big protective brother figure you were in my memories.all those past.but the thing is.hey,we're all grown up now.i dont need protection now,im not the same vulnerable lil girl you used to know & you know it.we're not in the same situation anymore.im not even afraid of getting into a fight w/ you,no matter how big rank your title is,the high profile gangster,whatsoever.we've been hanging out,you pointed out that fact.for the sake of past?maybe.convenience?maybe.feelings?oh,i cant say much bout that.maybe.in search of that same comfort that was lost a very long time ago?maybe too.see,there's so much maybe's.i know you are willing to change & i know the reason.i am grateful,not to mention touched.you have been trying.but i guess once someone is in that 'world',its hard to get out of it.all i have to do each day is to pray nothing will happen.yes,i know what trouble i may be in or whatever bullshit.but since when have i really cared bout such stuff?i had a talk with francis by the way.i know how things have been like for so many years & stuff.& i am not going to blame you that you're like that cos i understand you & i understand the pain you went through & i know your background.i know who you are,inside.whatever the case is,we'll talk after my exams.im sorry,i jst need a lil time,i promise.things have been changing so much,i cant catch up.give me time & i will sort of everything & find what i realy want all along.still,thank you.for so many years.......& stuff.thank you.

> ms yap is so cute.she was like saying all of them,would give me A** for attentiveness,determination,& that i really preservere alot.awh,thanks.
> i am officially tired.yawn.fullstop.
> saw angela & weiming the other day.hmm.
> maybe its time to let go of july 23,once & for all.
> hopefully,things ARE what it seems now.
> EOY's on monday in hall somemore.wtf.

fuck,im having mood swings.messy messy.rachel's b'day tmr : D ahhhh.
i think simont art glass necklaces are so pretttyyyy! =x
anyway.enough of being random.
i've said my piece.
bye bye world,im off piaaaaa'ing.take care all,good luck for EOY's!(:

you'll hear from me in three weeks time,i promise.

now & foreverrrrrr, <3
so tell me,whats life going to be like w/ you.

2006-09-26T23:01:00.000+08:00

my head fucking hurts like crazy.i supposed its bcos of the contacts.
i've been in a pretty good mood these few days,considering everything thats been happening.so,yup.it doesnt matter,nothing else does anymore.

i think some insults people throw at me are laughable.cos i think its dumb,they're wasting their time.obviously those people do not know me well enough to know that insults simply jst bounces off me.so yeah,im not going to waste my time & energy being angry or whatever.& i am not too.like i said,it doesnt matter,LAH.

july 23.there's so many things i want to say.there's so many stuff running through my head.there's so much emotions running through me.but sadly,some,will probably remain unspoken forever.

you > thank you,for being there for me all this while.even though we havent known each other for a super long time,but still.we clicked instantly as friends & you nvr failed to make me laugh & smile.i hope,this will contd on,really.you always know what im thinking & you know me for who i am.besides july 23,you're the only other guy who has seen me so vulnerable before.somehow,i feel comfortable exposing my weak side to you,knowing that you will be there for me w/o saying it.no words are needed,you will jst be there.forget bout whatever feelings.& i believe you're the best,friend.

EOY'S ARE COMING,PEOPLE.study lah! i am,too.chem was a killer today,damn.
good luck everyone,i'll be away from the com for quite some time.
partayeeee'ing starts right after exams.can't wait.(:
bye bye <333

this is to the world,
thank you.all of you.

> teach my heart what's love.
> your history is mine,<3
> & once in a lifetime,fly to the sky.
> when your chance comes,grab it.
> there's no possibility in us...i guess.
> guys are always blissfully ignorant -.- zzzz.
> this is damn random.but....TINGHUI IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. =x haha! <333
> friends are foreverrrrr.
> you have always made me feel secure.
> i hate trigo stuff for A maths.stupid topic :(
> cynthia,rmbr.im here.<333 things will be alrighte.
> i want to pon sch tmr.oops.
> tmr got ss lecture after sch.follow by geog lesson.followed by another smaller grp geog lesson w/ cynthia & michele.omg.
> almost broke down in sch today but i guess i held on : D
> haha,SUCKERRRRS(:
> fiona's drama episode coming,must rmbr to watch.
> that taiwan small boy so cute,quarrel w/ me so long somemore on chinese words & ah bian.heh.
> DAO BIAN! : D thats the righttt way.
> i have major mood swings.
> these idiots.kbox every friday w/o fail.DONT WANT,i will only join in after EXAMS,don't come influence me,dammit :(

have you ever seen your face,
in a mirror there's a smile.
but inside you're jst a mess,
you feel far from good.

2006-09-23T23:06:00.000+08:00

i am having such a bad headache.really. :( chem is killing me,so is geog.
i've been bitchy since ytd,im sorry to those who got a full blast of it.like lin an,joshua & some others who met me at tuition today.

FINALLY.things cleared up between me & them when we met today.im glad.again cynthia,thanks for your advice. <3 to the rest of them,we'll all be fine,as we all talked it out today : D

went arcade with shennie for an hour! both of us were super tired of the endless tuition & studying,so we went to parkway arcade to play : D we almost got through the whole dinosaur shooting game things,but i got myself killed halfway -.- zzzzzz.my mood improved alot after that,cos shennie really makes my day with her actions =x then we dutifully,went back to tuition & had our butts glued to the chair and our eyes stick to our work,with our mouth glued shut =/ but still productive work done,im satisfied.oh,me & shennie realized smth shocking.victor plays the piano!grade 7 o.0 that guy can play piano,look good & play basketball,not to mention study well.awhhh,so sweet.lol.

fiona came in for tuition today after disappearing for months.& smth funny happened.she turned around & asked me."whats zero divide by 2 ah?isit minus two?" then my brain was full of chem,i wasnt thinking.then i momentarily cant rmbr.then i was like,"uh...i think....uh.haiyah,where's the calculator?" the whole centre laughed -.- fine lah,i wasnt thinking! dammit :( she asked me whats zero minus 6,whether the answer is minus 6 not.lucky that one,i am not so blur to not realise it.(: haha.oh,& she's sec 3.

i have a crash course geog with vincent at 9.30 in the morning tmr.he finaly has time to teach me.then afternoon i've got to rush to bedok for A maths.then tmr night i have dinner with some.....people.cant miss it,as much as i would love to skip it.

today's 23 btw!as incredible as it seems,i really did not realise it until...like.3 plus?only when fiona asked me for the date,i look at my hp then i realise.but upon realising,i jst stoned for a while rmbring & later i snapped back out of my trance automatically & even smiled.is that supposed to be a sign that im actually moving on,faster than i ever thought i would?he would be proud of me.(: 1 year 2 months,time flies.hmm.

> lin an,i will not lie & say i am not pissed off with you.cos yes,i am so fucking pissed off with you.i am sorry im snapped at you since ytd until now,but i am still snapping at you at this very exact moment,cos i am really not happy,as you would term it.so yeah,whatever it is.i hope my anger towards you will die off in a few days time.in the meantime,i say sorry for whatever i am going to treat you like in the next few days in advance.sorry.

like i said.maybe normal classmates would be so much better.like me & cynthia.like me & michele.like me & yasmin or anyone else.like me & vanessa & so on.really,im not saying this cos im unhappy with you all or anything or im pissed with you all.cos i am really not.i love you all alot,i am saying the truth here.i really do.that is why maybe distance would suit us alot better.i really love & care for you all alot,whether you all choose to believe it.so yup.i stop talking here(: take care.

-with <333,
your friend.(to all of you all.)

2006-09-22T23:12:00.000+08:00

omg,im fucking pissed again.
lin an,im sorry.but i am not in the mood to talk to you.
sorry i jst snapped at you rather badly.but im freaking pissed off.
dont bother,really.talk to you some other time.not...today.
sorry.